Will I ever make it home....

Happy

2008-06-02T21:14:00.000-05:00

How can such a small word describe the immense happiness I feel? I found the person I was meant to be with. He completes my life. He's my equal. He accepts me for me. disregards my past and helps me look torward a future. I can finally say that I'm home. I finally made it. I just want to spread the joy he gives me to everyone I encounter. I have loved before, but not like this. We are planning a future together. I regret not knowing what it was like to love deeply in my past but now I've been blessed with learning how to love someone besides my child unconditionally.

Thank you. I love you. Can't wait to marry you.

Failure...

2008-04-11T09:30:00.002-05:00

...is not measured by the past successes of your life. It is surmountable by the recent events that may have failed to fall through for you. At least that is my personal opinion. Yes, things have been messy in the past 10 months since I moved back to this city. I have struggled. I have done things I never thought I would do in order to make some money to provide for my son. I have even given up completely on this city.

So....

I'm planning on moving away. To where? Don't you worry about all that. I am going to execute this move on my own. I am not running away. I am going to start facing my problems. I have learned that I am not ready to be on my own. My wings aren't strong enough for me to fly yet. But hopefully with the right amount of kindness, persistence, and with a little faith I will soar once more. I never thought that things could get like this. But they have. And I have learned so much.

But at the same time, I have lost so much in the proccess. I'm trying to desperately remember who I was. What I wanted. What I dreamed and wished for. And all that comes to mind is a big blank. Not even some form of punctuation. Just blank. I don't know how to take that. I have disappointed the one person that means the world to me. And I keep doing it. And doing it. And all I do is cry for forgiveness. That one day he will see that it's all for him. The struggle. The pain. The tears I cry. It's for him.

I will continue to try. Well, scratch that. DO. There is no try.

At least, not anymore....

It's Over, Before It Even Began

2007-10-27T13:19:00.000-05:00

So.

Things didn't work out for me. They actually sort of imploded on themselves before I could even begin to start to sort out what was going on. Maybe I brought this on myself. I'm not saying that I didn't deserve to know what it is like to have my heart completely ripped out by someone that I thought the world of. But it happened, and boy did I actually never understand in the past what those people I have done that to, were going through. Yes, breaking up with RC was the most difficult break-up I had experienced, because I was emotionally invested in him and in our relationship. But it took several months for me to muster up the courage, to finally execute my decision form months previous. Shitty of me, isn't it? But it's the truth.

This happened out of nowhere. I didn't expect to be in a relationship with anyone for awhile. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to enjoy my son's childhood. I wanted to see if I could actually be an adult on my own. But I let someone in. I let him in. And it was beautiful. It was great. Suddenly all those sappy love songs made sense, the world looked more beautiful, the tiniest of things seemed like miracles. I thought he was perfect for me. And I thought he felt the same. But I must have let that "love" crap get in the way of the reality. I got all swept up in the newness, and the relationship itself, and ended up getting so hurt by him. I don't know if I'll ever be the same. I let someone in completely. And it bit me in the ass. I have been trying to nurse my broken heart. I try to put on my brave face on during the day. But at night it gets me.

The tears wet my pillows, I can't even begin to understand how to get over this. I have always been able to just turn it off. But this time, when I desperately need to, I can't. And I'm so pathetic. I have to drink to sleep. I haven't been able to eat well, or sleep well. I just want to crawl into a hole somewhere and hide out until it's over. Until I don't feel this ache in my soul anymore.

So. How can it be over, before it even began?

Still breathing

2007-09-25T14:42:00.000-05:00

Nights come and go. Sleep comes and goes. But the lingering issues are nonetheless the same. I am still the same as I was when I first began this journey to myself. Except I have had much guidance and assistance from someone. And as his journey begins, I am going to be forced to say good-bye once again to something I care deeply for. I wish him well on his way to the wishing well. His hopes have come true. And I will be left here to wonder what could have been or what if.

It seems like luck has been down on my side of the table. And I am not complaining about it, as it is well deserved. I have been happier than I have in years in the past miserable months. I have learned of my own strenght and courage to face things anew. I have succumbed to life's experiences and have learned valuable lessons in the proccess. Should I follow my heart or go with my head this one last time? I have no clue. I expected things to be different. But they're not.

I am still breathing. And for that, I am thankful.

Apologies, New Beginnings, & Well Wishes

2007-08-22T10:14:00.000-05:00

I am only going to write it down once. I am sorry, for how I behaved and how I just dropped the ball like that. But I didn't want you to feel like you had any say in how my life should, would, or could be. I was tired of being guilt tripped. Yes, I understand you were hurt, maybe you still are, but all I can say is get over it. What is done is done. I can not take back my past actions, words, or memories. I am glad I met you, and that you let me love you for the duration of our relationship. I wish nothing but the best for you and I honestly hope that you do find happiness.

As for me, I am doing very well. No job yet, but I have a roommate who is moving in today so hopefully things work out on that front. I am dating someone and things seem to be going well. I am taking my time. No rushing anything. No need to. My focus is Gabe. Speaking of my little bundle of energy, he started Pre-K yesterday. I can't believe it! He is actually in school. It's amazing. He is learning how to write and spell his name. He has been such a great helper at church and at home. I am extremely proud of him. I wish things were better between his father and I, but they aren't. We had a good heart to heart a couple of weeks ago, and I thought things were going to get better but they haven't as of yet.

I have been having fun doing nothing. It's been such a nice break. But I am more than ready to get back to work. I just hope I can make enough to survive out here, since things haven't worked out how I thought they would as far as my career options go. I am contemplating starting school, but I am scared to take on too much right now. I am going to quit smoking today or tomorrow. Hopefully I will succeed in that endeavor. I am hoping that my roommate will want to actually go out and work out with me. I haven't gained any weight, but I have no muscle tone left. It's nice to have GREAT food to eat. The weather has been topsy turvy. Torrential rains one day, and blazing heat the next.

Well, just wanted to apologize to Randy. I hope that one day we can be friends. I am just not there yet. Hope everyone, if anyone actually reads this is doing well.

I miss the East coast on occassion, but I think that it's really the people who are there that I actually miss. But I am GLAD to be back in Texas. It's where my heart is and where I belong.

I made it.

2007-07-19T14:29:00.000-05:00

I'm home. I'm safe. I'm away from memories that hurt too much for me to continue to live them.

To you.

It hurts to think that you would even begin to believe that I just acted my way through life for the past 2 years. Thank you. No, I don't have any desire to talk to you. No, it's not easier for me to just cut you out of my life. No, I'm not in any mood to have you as a friend, right now. Joke or not, that was rude of you to be that way. I will continue to delete you out of my life, but not because it makes it easier, but because you really don't deserve to be a part of it anymore. I am much happier. Much healthier. Much more serene than I have been in a long time. I enjoyed our time together. And I actually thought you were it for me. But I will put aside the hurt and resentment, and say thank you. Thank you for the beautiful relationship we had. I hope that in the future we both find happiness. That we both find the things we want in a partner. And that we find that happiness in ourselves. You owe me nothing, and I am no longer tied to you. So, I wont sit here and pretend I will be your friend. Your curiosity will only ruin our friendship. I don't owe you or anyone else an explanation. The only person who needs my attention, love, and presence is my child.

Thank you.

To everyone else, if there is anyone else who reads this. Thank you. I will no longer post about my personal life on here. Thank you for your time. Your support, and your friendship.

I finally made it home.

Goodbye...

2007-05-29T07:15:00.000-05:00

“I've learned that good-byes will always hurt, pictures will never replace having been there, memories good and bad will bring tears, and words can never replace feelings.”

“Yes I love him. I love him more than anything else in this world and there is nothing that I would like better than to hold on to him forever. But I know it's not for the best. So no matter how much my heart is going to break, I've got to let him go so he can know just how much I love him. Maybe if I'm lucky, he'll come back, but if not, I can make it through this.”

"Just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to be involved with them. Love is not a bandage to cover wounds."

Bittersweet

2007-05-16T08:05:00.000-05:00

Twenty-Four

2007-05-15T14:30:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is my 24th. Happy Birthday to me. I guess maybe I should try to be happy and celebrate it, but it's not a special number, or like I am going to get to do something for the first time. So, yeah. I will officially be in my mid-20s tomorrow. And I still haven't accomplished anything.

Awesome!

Happy Birthday to me....

Happy Birthday to me...

Four

2007-04-28T09:41:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday, my dear sweet child.

You are no longer a baby. You are officially a kid.

And I am trying so hard not to cry.

Four years ago, I met you for the first time. I heard you cry, I smelled you, I felt you in my arms. You were no longer a flutter inside of me. You were a seperate being. Your little red face, you tousled black hair, your silky soft skin. All the things I expected and more. We danced to our song, and I smiled down at you as you craddled yourself in my arms. My heart was full of wonder, love, and a sense of completeness.

Four years ago, I watched over you as you slept. I made sure you had enough sustenance in your belly. I carefully changed you. I was amazed by you. And what my body had created. I fell in love for the first time. And boy was it hard. In the course of the past four years, I have marvelled at your growing pace, your infectious laughter, and your silly nature. I have also yelled, spanked, and grown frustrated with you. But there was always that nurturing love behind it all.

Four years ago, I felt the greatest pain, and the most infectious joy.

Four years ago, today: you were born.

I love you, Gabriel. Happy Birthday!

No me conoses....

2007-04-18T07:05:00.000-05:00

It may seem to me that lately I have been under an odd depression. I seem to just keep living every day in sync, without really putting much thought to any of the regular on goings of my day to day life. I have had no motivation to do anything, go anywhere, or talk to anyone. I don't know why it is this way as of late. Maybe it all the changes that are about to happen in my life that have frightened me into a submissive attitude. I have always been a worry wart. An anxious person. But lately I have balled up all those emotions away into a little ball. I just don't want them to implode into a rage of disillusionment. I guess I am just really scared about being a "civilian" again. I mean this is all I have known for the past 6 years and it is really scary to think that in a couple of months all the benefits (that I hardly take advantage of anyway), the security, and the comfort will be done. Over. For who knows how long. I am just overwhelmed and don't really have anyone that I can confide in about how I am freaking out completely internally.

Life is funny sometimes. Through the misdt of my 1/4 life mid life crisis, our country is in a mess. The Virginia Tech Massacre has been all that has been on TV for the past couple of days. Why a school shooting? A college at that?! Is there no where in this country where a child can be sent off to school without giving their parents a heart attack out of anxiety. I mean since the Columbine thing there have been numerous school shootings. Even at elementaries. Seriously, what is wrong with this country? I am fearful of sending my child to public school. Now I have to fear him going to a college? I guess life is like that. You never know when your last day is. When the last time you see someone you love will be. When the last time you eat, bathe, drive, look up into the sky, see the stars, feel a breeze, get a kiss, have an argument, or anything else will be. It's the fact of life. Since birth we are ticking time bombs awaiting unexpected, unplanned circumstances to set off. It's so abnormal that this is our reality. Driving in the DC area, there have been numerous times where I have wondered if that would be the last time I drive. Forever. If the last time I see my child will be when I kiss him when I drop him off at daycare. I know. I shouldn't worry about death. I am not a morbid person, I swear. I just get anxious about certain things. Maybe it is this area. I have not really felt safe since I moved here.

I guess I am tired of being so blah about everything. A couple of months ago I searched fervently for a job, a place to live, and for things that I want. Lately I have been so let down, maybe?, that I have no real inspiration to put myself out there. It's always that fear of being rejected that lingers in the back of my mind. That satisfaction of knowing I wont get a job has been feeding my depression. I don't want to be a burden to anyone and have always been a very driven and unquenchable mind, but lately I feel so overwhelmed, underpowered, and misguided with the process of being a real adult. I just want to lay in bed all day doing nothing. Maybe be alone with my thoughts and my fears. But I am trying to refuse them. I will not allow them to consume my every bit of hope, as that is all I have left for my future. I have some issues with the whole moving to San Antonio that I haven't necessarily addressed with myself or with RC. I know he probably feels 10 times the stress I am. I mean to be realistic he is wanting to move there because of me. And maybe that pressure has transcended into me, and has made me much more anxious about the future. The repercussions of this move, should things fail would be VAST. And that thought alone is enough to make me want to cower away into a little ball under the security of my blanket.

As I try to not let those harrowing thoughts pester me as I sleep, I try to think of the possibilities. After all my mind is the only thing that is actually keeping me from thinking like a successful person. I need to convince my mind to allow itself to think big, to dream bigger, and to wish for the hopefulness of tomorrow. Would it be wiser to finally make those adult situations that others expect of me? I have no clue. Should I give up now, while it's still good? I still don't know. I have less than 4 months left. Almost a quarter of a year to decide my fate for what seems a promising future. I just need to continue making the right steps towards my actual goals. And I know that with RC and Gabe there to support me through it, I can achieve anything.

My So Called Life...

2007-03-24T11:00:00.000-05:00

I sit in this orange office and feel, well...incomplete. I feel like I have become nothing more than a failure. I have failed to realize my goals and dreams. I remember being a little girl at the tender age of 9 and wishing that I was older. That I would become sophisticated, educated, and successful at a young age. I would ponder longingly into the oak tree I planted and watched as it flourished through the years. I wanted to be like that tree. That no matter what, come rain, or drought, I would continue to grow. I envisioned my adulthood as a life of abundance. A life of carefree nights, dancing in dark clubs, meeting new strangers. By day I would wear power suits, and be beautiful.

I joined the military. Why? Because I had something to prove to everyone. I was more than a pretty face. I was a strong woman. I wanted to prove to everyone that I could be more than what I looked like. Looks aren't everything. I tend to forget that on most days. I had the dream of joining the military when I was just 8. Yes. I joined at 17 with permission from my parents. I regretted my decision on that first day of Basic. It was the worst experience. But as the weeks passed and I noticed my inner self succeeding, I was finally proud. Proud of myself. And what I had accomplished. How in just 11 weeks I had changed so profoundly that I hardly recognized the girl that signed that contract. The military has been a tilt a whirl of experiences. A lot of lows, and a couple of highs. I have learned that life is completely different outside of the military. People in general are different. I have made some of the most wonderful friends in the military. Some of them are closer to me than my family. I have also lost the sense of who I truly was.

The last couple of weeks have been a blur. They just feel like one extremely long day. I was working my butt off. I was trying not to have a mental breakdown. I took my certification exam and passed. I am still waiting on my certificate. I am now a registered nationally accredited technician. Translation: more money for me when I go civilian. We had our inspection and passed with flying colors. I got kudos for my enrichment program, and I also got a lot of thanks from everyone for it. Except Momma Bear. I guess we are on the outs. Which is fine by me. I hate when people can't be direct, and try to pussyfoot over issues. Or get credit for busting their humps, when in reality they're not really doing much. I had my surgery to remove a cyst from behind my ear. Hopefully it wont come back anymore. Gabe has been sick the last couple of days and I just feel like an awful mother. I "started" with Mary Kay, and even though I am in "training", I feel unconvinced by it all. I am on the fence about whether I can actually play along with the cult like stuff they want me to do. I just want some extra cash, so I can fluff up my savings account. Expect the unexpected, I suppose. Things are still going great with RC and I, but I feel like I have been neglecting everything lately. I just want a break from my son, RC, the dog, and just life in general. I feel like everyday is the same. Get up, get stuff ready for my son, drop off my son, go to work, pick up son, make or buy dinner, watch TV, yell at son, get him ready for bed, take care of dog, watch TV, go to bed. Wake up and do it all over again. I feel like I have completely forgotten who I wanted to be. Who I was supposed to be. I know when I made the decision to have and keep my child, that I didn't really think of everything. I just thought it through to baby. After that everything was sort of a big blank.

I miss me time. I know how selfish of me. But I do. I miss sleeping in on weekends. Not having to answer a million questions about every single little thing and why. I miss being able to read a book all day if I wanted to. I miss being able to go out, have fun with some of the girls, and come home at 6 am without the worry of having to wake up at 7 or 8 am to a crying kid, knocking on my door. I miss the me that had greater ambitions, than to just be able to have an awesome birthday party for my kid. I know. I know. I must sound like the worst parent in the world, but I still do all the things that are required of me. Yes, I may be overstressed with the thought of being a single parent, but my child was MY choice. And this is what comes with that choice. I just have to sacrifice myself. And even if I did go out and do those things, I just end up feeling guilt. Am I horribly broken in some way for not feeling okay with leaving my kid with a babysitter so that I can go out and enjoy a movie, or have coffee with some friends? Or am I wrong for wanting to do those things instead of enjoying my son? I know I am not the BEST mom out there, and I am strict to a certain degree, and I am sure RC would disagree with me in a heartbeat, but I am trying. I just have given up, in a way.

I feel like I have no real friends here. No one that truly can understand what it is I am talking about. I mean I have "friends". But not like my best friend. No matter the distance we can talk and completely understand one another. Oh okay, this isn't a damn pity party. I am not sitting here saying love me, tell me I am okay, and I am not a complete failure as a human being. No, I don't want pity. I don't want some magic cure all drug to make me feel less shitty about things. This is life. At least I am living it, to a certain degree. There are people out there that want children. That can't have them. And here I am just complaining all about it. How crappy am I? I just need to vent this out. I just need this to be out of my system. I am just worried. And I know I overly worry about everything, but it's my thing. I have the gray hairs to match my worry.

Maybe I am jealous of those moms that seem to have it all. A happy marriage, good kids, a succesful career, and interesting friends. Is that possible? I know I am NO where close to ready for another shot at marriage. And even if RC and I did tie the knot sometime in the next 10 years, we wont ever be able to be like a normal family. We each have our children from previous marriages, and from what I can tell, we aren't going to have any of our own. Our home would be strictly unconventional, since I wont be able to parent his child, and well he doesn't parent mine. Sounds like the recipe for disaster. His parenting style is VASTLY different from mine. I grew up with a very strict father, and borderline abusive mother. I don't want to be that. I don't want my child to fear me. I want him to respect me, and understand that sometimes I have to spank and correct him. I don't want to be his best "friend", but I don't want to be so emotionally unavailable that he doesn't understand me. I love that he's curious and that he wants to learn about the world, but RC does make me feel bad for answering questions and for letting him do some things. It's just a constant battle with myself. Please my child.....or please RC. I fail either way.

I just need........

................Peace.

Valentine's Day

2007-02-12T20:09:00.000-05:00

As I try and hold my breath through ridiculous Kay Jewelrer's commercials, and other almost vomit worth crap you can get your sweety on Valentine's; I honestly have tried to pinpoint on why I loathe this holiday so much. Yes, I love the theme of it. I mean my kitchen is bright red, all my stuff in it is red or white, and a lot of it is Valentine's stuff. But I can assure you, I am no lovey Valetine's Day freak. I don't go around hoping I get a heart shaped box of chocolates with matching white "I love you bear-y much" bear, and roses. Believe me, if RC wanted us to break up, that certainly would be the way to do it. But I still can't think of why, on God's green earth, do I hate this day so much. So, I decided to recap my Valentine's Days on here as a sort of momento, for myself, and ya'll. (My like only reader....Randy)

Okay, 2nd or 3rd grade, Valentine's Day:

We go outside for recess, come back in, I see a flower and a barbie on my desk. It wasn't time to pass out our cards, yet. So, I sit down and look at the two items curiously. I scope the room and see no one watching me. I neatly place them under my desk. Never mention it in the class. My mom comes and picks me up, I show her my "prizes". She asks me who they are from. I told her what I knew which was nothing. A classmate's mom comes up and talks to my mom. I look at him as he blushes and tries to act tough around me. My mom whispers his name in my ear and tells me to thank him. I go up, and punch him in the face. Needless to say, I didn't get anymore nice things from him.

Okay, 5th grade (new school), a few days before V-Day:

I have had a crush on this boy since I laid eyes on him. My best friend and I would sit around my house thinking about calling him, and giggling hysterically at the thought of a 6th grader talking to us. We dial and as soon as he answers (well, we assumed it was him), we would giggle then hang up. V-Day comes around and we make something to put on his locker, we watch from accross the way as he tosses it in the trash. My best friend isn't discouraged, she just found out some boy in our class likes her. But me, I was crushed. Who would love such a scrawny, tan, tall girl, when I would tower over most of the boys in our school?

Okay, 8th grade (new school, once again) V-Day:

Everyone gets stuff from other students, but I....I only got one flower from the nastiest, ugliest boy in our school. I felt awful, and didn't want to carry it around with his name on it, so I threw it in my locker. The boy that I liked, well, he certainly didn't notice me. He was noticing my best friend. And her little sprouting flowers. Ugh, who was going to love such a flat chested girl?

Okay, 10th grade, V-Day:

I have been dating the sweetest most wonderful guy. He is truly awesome. He picks me up from school, and is so patient to wait on me. He works at the flower stand, so I know I will finally get roses and a tedy bear, just like all my other friends have. We have plans to go out to his friends' party. As I hear the doorbell ring, and squeal all the way to door, I see the big white bear, and roses in the window...But wait....that's not my boyfriend! It's his friend. Bubba delivers the news that my boyfriend has decided to not be with me anymore, because he just wasn't ready to wait for me. I bite back tears, as Bubba gives me a hug. Who breaks up with someone on V-Day?! And who gives them stuff when they break up with them?! He claims the flowers and bear are from my recent ex, but I know they are from Bubba. My mom really loved the roses and the teddy bear.

So, I guess with all those not so great experiences, I have come to think of V-Day as a sort of day to squash people, to hurt them unintentionally, whether those people knew it or not. And I know I was wrong for punching that poor kid, but I guess I already knew that V-Day was for suckers. I mean, do we actually need a holiday to remind us to be romantic? Do we need a holiday to countdown for us when we should make a real commitment to someone? I think it is all overly commercialized crap.

Love is love. No, it wont always be romantic. No, you don't always get flowers, and bubble baths, and chocolates. Sometimes you get tickle fights, and inside jokes, and blogs. Sometimes you just get a simple, "I love you" at the end of the night. Love isn't about the romanticised portion of life. It's about building, and trusting, and pushing, and working together. So, no....I don't need overpriced flowers, or stale chocolates. And I definitely don't need a little blue box, or white teddy bear. I just need a hug at the end of the day. And a friend there to hold my hand through the hard things in life. And a friend to be there with me during the good moments. To smile alongside of me.

BTW....Happy early birthday, Tellipot. I love you. And I hope you get everything you wish for, you LOVE baby!

Dear Diary

2007-02-12T20:08:00.000-05:00

I have no clue how to even begin this post, as it would either come out as bitchy or whiney, or maybe a weird cross between the two, but what the hell, it's my blog and here it goes...(yes, that was a run-on rentence....)

I have recently discovered that my ex-husband has a myspace. Yes. And well, even though it has always been clearly evident to me, that he is a total douchebag, he is making himself look like one completely. It's not that it hurts my feelings to see him gloating at clubs with sub-par looking females. It embarasses me, actually. Because I was married to him for 3 years. I was with him for a little over 4 years. And it embarasses me, because that is the father of my son. I don't want people to misjudge me thinking that THAT is me. Because it isn't. And it's not even people judging me about that, but judging my son, I suppose. Because now, it is confirmed. My ex-husband never dissappoints, I suppose. Well, at least in that regard. I have taken great pains to make my profile private, and myself virtually unfindable. I have assumed a name, and used last names from my past. I have changed my area code, to one far away from me. So even, if he figured it out, and did actually find me, he wouldn't be able to snoop into MY life without him. He tends to overreact over miniscule things, and I know he would try to find some reason, albeit through my page, to try and take custody from me. WHY? Because he is spiteful, and hateful towards me, even if he does swear up and down that we are good friends, and that he still cares for me. I grew up with a liar all my life, so I know how to spot one. And I have an inane intuition that is usually dead on about people's intentions. So, being this "cautious" is for my well being, as well as his.

Okay, but that certainly doesn't stop me from lurking on his page. I know. I'm terrible! I am just so.....I guess, disgusted, is the right word here, at him. I feel so....stupid. I have let him walk all over me time and time again, why? Because I felt guilt. Guilt for things I couldn't undo, for things I shouldn't have done, for thoughts and tears that would never go away. I let him screw me over and over again. All because I felt that I owed him something. Something.
Some people have asked me how I could get over some of the fucked up things that have happened to me. I really don't have an answer. I have been low. I have been high. I have had wonderful friends to guide me and help me through it all. And without my family, I probably wouldn't still be here. It has taken a long time for the rain to stop and my rainbow to shine through. And even if sometimes that rainbow might not be as bright as it was that first day, it's still there. I have been...I suppose "blessed" by circumstances. I didn't see them as such at first, but have now been able to realize that I am lucky.

I am awfully worried about getting out, but that hasn't squashed my excitement. No. Not at all. I can't wait, to be ME again. I am tired of being confused for other people. I am tired of being treated like a dumbass, because I am "low ranking". The sad part is, I might have more sense than half the people in leadership positions in my command. Oh well, I "lack motivation". I am not "driven enough". And you're right. I'm not. I am happy being me. And being dependable, and being reliable, and realistic. Yes, the Army is going through changes, you're right. But they are changes I frankly don't want anything to do with. I am not looking at this as six years wasted of my life, because without the Army, I probably would still be living at home, in some going nowhere job, aspiring for something better, but never realizing it.

My main fear is not being able to get a GOOD job. A job that I am happy in. Money....well, I don't really care for it. As long as I can pay my bills and get a nice thing or two every once in awhile, I'll be fine. I want a life of happiness. You know...all that mushy stuff in hallmark movies. I want that. The nice house in suburbia, with the couple of kids, and dogs. Loving couple happily married. I want that. And I just want a job, where I feel useful, and happy in. Too much to ask for, I suppose. I just get scared that I might not get a job when I first move. And then what am I going to do? File for unemployement? HELL NO. I will get my ass in school so quick they wont even know my name at the registrar's office. I am still debating whether to go to vocational type of environment or go to an actual college and strive for my MBA.

Growing up is hard. I am realizing that. And yes, I have had my heels stuck firmly in the ground for awhile now, wishing to go back to simpler things and times in my life. But I can look in the mirror with pride, and with hope in my eyes. Because I have proved everyone wrong.

And that feels good.

So, you see..

2007-01-30T14:17:00.000-05:00

I can't believe it.

I am just chillin' trying to drive and this numbnuts asshole racist cop, decided to pull me over this morning. Yes. I know I should have turned using the center lane, but EVERYONE does it, and never gets caught, I try it one time and get busted. So I start to pull over to the left, and he yells at me through his speaker, pull over to the right before you get me killed. And I am thinking this idiot! What nerve of him to pull up to my window and say, "Do you speak english?". I was so insulted that he would be so rude. I gawked at him and answered. Here is this black cop, and he wants to be a racist prick when he pulls people over? WTF?

So, he doesn't give me a ticket (thank you military ID), and tells me good luck. I happened to lie to him and tell him that I didn't know the area and had just moved here from Texas. He believed me and yeah. I know it's evil to lie, but here in a couple of months I wont be able to say I am in the military...blah blah blah.

I just couldn't believe him.

"Do you speak english?"

HA HA HA HA HA.....racist motherfuker.

Yes.

2007-01-15T10:32:00.000-05:00

As I casually try to be a good mother, partner, worker, daughter, and everything else that I am supposed to be, I feel it all being sucked out of me. I want to be a blank canvas, not held down with bills, questions, emotions, responsibilities. I wish I could pick up and leave. Start over again. Maybe I went about this situation all wrong, maybe everyone was right.

I speak to my best friend, and try to encourage her on her newfound decision to finally get divorced, I see a part of me that I have forgotten throughout this proccess. I see the girl that was scared to move on. The girl that was so frightened of a life of solitude and of chastity, because that was what I thought being divorced with a kid would be. That I would never find someone to understand me and my child. That would love us both and not pick and choose which part they wanted. It was either take it or leave it, no halfway point. And maybe I did make mistakes along the way, I wanted to break free of those chains that had contained me for so long. I never got to experience real life, a grown up life. I was playing pretend with an idiot. I had to hold his hand along the way, and pretend I was happy. I would smile my laughless smile, and I would never shed a tear in front of him. Maybe I do want to see the good in people too hard. Maybe that is why I have been here all this time, I would question myself.

I don't want to wake up 10 years from now, hungover, unhappy, and alone. I don't want to keep pushing everyone away, but it's what I do. I can't break those old habits. I push you away to protect myself. I don't want to hurt more than I do. I am exhausted of battling the words that want to fly out of my mouth and hurt you with their jaggedness. I am tired of trying to play happy, when I am indeed angry at myself. This all can't be healthy for my child. I don't know how to go on, or how to continue. I have so many doubts. They weren't there before, but now they gnaw at me at night, as I try to sleep, and I try to shut them up in my head, I feel them popping up in my dreams, suddenly. Maybe I do overreact, maybe I try too hard. Maybe I don't. But I am so tired of having to defend one to the other, and vice versa. I am only human, and I make mistakes, and I am so far from perfect. And so are you. And the person next to you and everyone else. Is it that humanness that scares me at night? No. It's the way you have shut yourself off to me. And for no reason. I am tired of always being the bigger person with everyone, always having to apologize to everyone., as if I am the one who is always WRONG. Maybe I want an apology! Maybe someone should come to me for once and tell me that they are sorry. I can't be the cement that tries to hold my world together.

I want to hear so many things. The rain, the gentle crushing of sleet on the trees, the rustling of dry leaves dancing to the ground, the traffic at night, the sound of music playing distantly in the background, and apologies. Are those words so hard for anyone to say? I don't know. I have spent a life full of apologizing for everything. From divorces, to being how I am, to accidents not of my doing, to hurt feelings, from burnt food, to chores not being done. And I am tired of having to explain myself to everyone. WHY? I just want to leave. Go home, runaway. To anywhere. To everywhere. Because I am so tired of it all. I am tired of the daily mistakes I make. I am tired of the way people look at me. I am tired of being misunderstood. Of being a mistake.

I am tired of it all. I just want to be left alone. I am not worthy of being a parent. All I do is yell, and scream and fight and say the hurtfull things my mother would say, I am quick to spank, and to punish. Because I am trying to prove to some that I am a "good" parent in their eyes, and yet it is not enough. They still condemn me and look down upon me from their high places. And frankly I just don't give a fuck about their opinions anymore. I am ready to start my own life. With the life that doesn't have a choice in the matter. The one who is tied to me, without our choices. I am sure he would pick better, and I..well, I don't know. Would I live my life as it is again? Maybe. Would I change things about it? Maybe. I don't know. That's the entire genius of it. The risk of not being able to predict how things will work, that's the magic of life. I can plan as much as I want, and it could all go to pieces tomorrow. I could have wasted almost two years making sure all my plans were in perfect shape, and it could all be gone in a second.

Life is about choices. I can make a left or a right. I am allowed to go forward. But never to go back. So, as of right now do I want to move forward with my situation? I don't know. There is so much doubt and uncertainty in all of this. And I think I am starting to grow weary of it. Maybe I should take my best friend's advice. Maybe I should heed the words of wisdom from my nearest and dearest. I just don't know, yet if I am ready to say yes....

Tell me baby, What's your story....

2007-01-09T20:58:00.000-05:00

So, lately I have been contemplating a lot of things, it's my nature to be introspective and not want to talk about things that might be bothering me. I usually wait my time, and think it out in my head before the thoughts and words can form upon my mouth. But a bitter taste has been left in the trail of my thoughts. I have been revisiting the same thoughts over the course of months, and like an uninvited rat that gnaws at your things in the night, these thoughts have gnawed themselves into a tangled mess.

What am I talking about? Well, for starters my future. I have been pretty sure that I would leave this area (DC) immediately after I was "done" with my time in the Army. But now, as I recall all the unnecessary drama that would occur on an almost daily basis, I have grown fond of the distance and almost closet like security I have felt here, alone. I do miss my family terribly, but I hate all the dumb bullshit they try to stir up. I honestly do. I feel like I am too old and too tired to have to go home to some meddlesome crap about goodness knows what not even concerning me.

It's just hard to make the choice to stay or to go. I want a house. I want one when I move. Will I be able to fulfill my dream? I don't know at the moment, and that is scary. I had made a financial plan and goal for myself and I have not even come close to realizing it. I am afraid to get out and not have the comfortable life I have made for myself being in the military. But on the other hand I am completely unhappy with this lifestyle. I hate being shuffled around the country having to start over time and again, and once you get comfortable you get asked to move once again. It's not the type of childhood I had in mind for my child.

I just feel like I have completely forgotten my dreams, my hopes, my goals since I have been in the military. I let someone else do it for me. I have been on autopilot long enough! I want things so different from what I have now, that albeit they scare me, they are things I want to try and taste. I want to go to cosmetology school, even though I am not that great at it. I want to learn about busisness management, so that one day I can run a business. I yearn to discover architecture so that I can build my own home one day. I want to do such radically different things that I haven't quite figured out which dream is more ardent. Which one is the most passionate of those that it will make me not only continue living, but put a smile on my face through the process.

My dreams may be decadent in nature. I know this. But they are dreams. They are MY dreams. I am allowed to have wishes for myself and for my family. But should I continue to put myself on hold until I can get a handle on the reigns? Should I continue to aspire for these things, to pine for them in my dreams, to wish one day to be able to realize them fully? I dont know.
Everywhere I turn I will hit dead ends. I have become accustomed to it. I am no longer sheltered or naive like I was. I know that every little experience, every human life, every word spoken, is life. I am living it. I am thankful, but I am forgetful of my gratitude for the insurmountable blessings that have come upon me. I have a beautiful healthy child. I have a loving and understanding partner. And best of all I have a wonderful family full of laughing friends, caring parents, and obnoxious siblings.

I can never be what people expect of me. I am not perfect, I am flawed, I am human. I have given up on the prospect of ever making one person completely happy. I am just here to make sure I can look back upon it all and say I tried my best. I have made countless mistakes and cried many tears. Have filled oceans with bitterness. But I still remember to smile. I can still look at the utter beauty of everything I have encountered. Some people ask me how. I don't know. I don't want to keep living a life of complicated simplism. I like the simple complicated-ness of life, of birth, of death. The way the breath sucks out of me when I am angered. The way my head never stops racing. I thrive on that. Without my thoughts in my head circling about, I would run around mad.

I am so many things. Rolled up into one thing. Do these things describe who I am completely....NO. They all add up to the gist of me. The fragance of me, the taste, but not the actual reality of me.

I am a mother, a sister, an aunt, a soldier, a friend, a blogger, a myspacer, a sarcastic, a half-assed feminist, a woman, a girl, a loser, a winner, a mexican, an american, a divorcee, a girlfriend, a dreamer, a skeptist, a spiritualist, a non-believer, a conformist, a black sheep, a bastard, a catholic, a laugher, a cryer, a self-made make-up artist, an extroverted introvert, a dog owner. All this and more than I could ever scratch on the surface.

Does this have to make sense to you? No.

So.... that is MY story.

So far.

Well, well, well....

2007-01-04T13:45:00.000-05:00

Things have come a loooong way for me since I haven't really done much with my site, but I am starting to figure out all this stuff out. I changed the look to usher in a new year. I mean, I loved my old layout, but I really wanted something a little flashier, and more...unique. So, I took this and tweaked it to my liking. I hope ya'll like it. I am still undecided on the background, even though it is better than a mismatched gray. I think it adds an earthiness to the page, which I really dig. As soon as I remember my Haloscan password, I'll have that hooked up on here once again. So yeah. I had debated on deleting this thing altogether, but now that it looks almost as pretty as I wanted it, I think I shall at least keep it. Maybe I can write some more about what has been going on. I mean this is going to be a big year for me. I am moving back to steamy Texas. I will be (hopefully) buying my first home. And I will be out of the Army. In just 218 days I think, I will have freedom once more. I am so excited about being able to have color in my hair. And I mean, COLOR. I am sure it will take Randy some time to get used to me being all "crazy" as my family puts it, but that is something that I have always loved. And us hispanic women love us some COLOR. Ha ha ha.

Hmm...what else? I still haven't gotten the pictures of my new baby Bonn on my computer, but hopefully I'll have some time either tonight or tomorrow to get them on there and show him off. He has been pretty good, but had a hard time this morning. He made a potty in the house, and that just doesn't fly with me. I can handle the slobbering all over the floor, but potty....Uhm, not so much. gabe has been doing so much better. I mean he is still aggravating at times, but he has been better towards me. He isn't giving me as much attitude in the mornings. I just wish I was a million times more patient with him. I tend to lose my temper very quickly. And that is a big issue with me since I tend to blow up fast and I happen to just stay angry and then I start to feel guilt. Complete and utter guilt and stupidity over the fact that I am raising a child and acting like one.

I have been just thinking about everything. Everything. My financial situation has been kind of shitty, since I am paying so much for daycare, and it seems like the daycare on base is just stringing me along lying to me each month about how they have no spots for him. It would save me over $700 a month. But I know they don't get it. They don't care. And that is upseting. I already dislike them, and this is definitely not helping. I can't seem to get a handle on the whole job search. I am trying to focus on one thing at a time. But I feel so scatter brained at the moment, and it doesn't seem like I will get it together in the next few months. I had planned a trip almost 2 years ago with my best friend and we were supposed to meet up in Texas and hang out, since she has lived in Alaska all this time. But seeing as to how I had to spend my little bit of savings, I can't go. I mean I could, but I would be broke while I was there. Which is no way to go home! I would be dissapointed if I don't get to go over something stupid like money, and my heart keeps telling me that I NEED to go, but my checkbook says otherwise. It is really sad. I don't want to think about it.

RC is getting out of the Navy finally. He only has a couple more days and he'll be done. I am sure he is preoccupied with finding a job in San Antonio, too. But I am sure he'll get an easy enough job and be fine. If it all gets down to the nitty-gritty we'll have to have pt jobs to make it. But we will. I know we will.

So, that's what has been going on I suppose. I think I am in dire need of a vacation. I am sooo burned out.

Happy New Year's

2006-12-28T08:03:00.000-05:00

Well, I know I have totally put off writing on this thing and have even debated whether to just delete this since, I really have felt no need to write on here. But I suppose I will continue on here, since it is sort of like a diary and I have always loved the whole nostalgic feeling I get when I look back on all my writing and my stories and on how much life has changed in the past year. It is amazing how simple choices can affect all aspects on your life and how they can literally make you change who you are. So, I figured I would repost my list from last year to have some retrospect on how much more different this year was than the one before.

From 2004-2005
Last year I...(2004)

Was living "alone" for the first time ever....
Was separated from my "husband"......
Was legally cheating on my "husband".....
Was working on New Years Day.....
Had a great view on how life was going to be without "husband".........
Had an almost 2 year old who adored me.....
Was in Texas, and thought I would be there till I died.....
Thought the guy I was with, was a good person.....(boy! was I wrong on that one!)
Had several mental breakdowns.....
Was being sued by the state of Texas and the Attorney General....(thanks, MOM!!)

This year I....(2005)

Am living alone with Gabe....for real.....
Am divorced from "husband"......
Am in a serious relationship with Randy.....
Worked on New Years Day.....
Have a shitty view of life.....in general....
Have an almost 3 year old who treats me like shit......
Currently live in the DC area....will be here till 2008.....
Think the guy I am with is awesome.....(hopefully my judgement is better!)
Haven't broken down....but I did almost cry this morning.....
Am still being sued by the state of Texas, blah blah blah.....

Okay things have changed quite a bit. So, I will make a list of how things have changed since 2005.

This Year I...(2006)

Am living with Randy and Gabe....
Am still divorced (yay, me)....
Am still in a relationship with Randy....(what is it, like 14 months now?)
Will have New Year's off this year...
Have an okay and realistic view of life....
Have an almost 4 year old, who is too smart for his own good....
Still live in the DC area, but I get to leave in August 2007....
Still think the my sweetums is awesome....
Have had a few moments when I just had to escape things....
And have no clue if I am still being sued by Texas....(and I don't care at this point!)

Some new things this year...

Got Homer and Marge, they are bearded dragons...
And got Bonn, the beautiful belgian shepherd who is totally awesome!...
Live in a nice townhouse...
And we are planning on buying a house in Texas together....

So, that is the basic synopsis of my year. It's been a good....well, actually a great year. And I just hope that 2007 is as good, or better than this year. I will be fulfilling my last 8 months in the Army and I will once again be a civilian. I have no clue what I am going to do, but I am so excited to be able to do what I want with my hair and to have piercings if I so desire.

Well, thank you for being a good year 2006, and I will definitely miss you. I will cherish our great moments together. And I will always remember this year. May everyone have a safe and Happy New Year's. I'm out.

All I really want

2006-12-06T07:40:00.000-05:00

Do I stress you out
My sweater is on backwards and inside out
And you say how appropriate
I don't want to dissect everything today
I don't mean to pick you apart you see
But I can't help it

There I go jumping before the gunshot has gone off
Slap me with a splintered ruler
And it would knock me to the floor if I wasn't there already
If only I could hunt the hunter

And all I really want is some patience
A way to calm the angry voice
And all I really want is deliverance

Do I wear you out
You must wonder why I'm relentless and all strung out
I'm consumed by the chill of solitary

I'm like Estella
I like to reel it in and then spit it out
I'm frustrated by your apathy

And I am frightened by the corrupted ways of this land
If only I could meet the Maker
And I am fascinated by the spiritual man
I am humbled by his humble nature

What I wouldn't give to find a soul mate
Someone else to catch this drift
And what I wouldn't give to meet a kindred

Enough about me, let's talk about you for a minute
Enough about you, let's talk about life for a while
The conflicts, the craziness and the sound of pretenses
Falling all around...all around

Why are you so petrified of silence?
Here can you handle this?
Did you think about your bills, you ex, your deadlines
Or when you think you're gonna die
Or did you long for the next distraction

And all I need now is intellectual intercourse
A soul to dig the hole much deeper
And I have no concept of time other than it is flying
If only I could kill the killer

All I really want is some peace man
A place to find a common ground
And all I really want is a wavelength
All I really want is some comfort
A way to get my hands untied
And all I really want is some justice...

You.

2006-11-25T19:57:00.000-05:00

My balance is so off right at this moment. I feel like I am constantly losing ground. I take one step forward and five back. I can't get to where I want and I am tired of sitting here hating myself. But I can't make everyone happy. Much less myself. This is so hard.

I am at a crossroads. I would have given up 3 years ago. But circumstances prevent me. As I dip into the waters of uncertainty and drown in unhappiness, I begin to ponder. I feel the waters filling my lungs, the slow burn of a fire inside diminishing and completely dimming into blackness. I feel like a charred piece of paper. Unseen, black, and empty of information. I don't know where to turn.

I hate that I am pretending. I am pretending. Always pretending. But I am not happy. I am masking my sadness with a smile. I yell, I scream, I fight. But I lose myself. I lose myself like I have so many things in my past. To think that I thought this was healthy. But I look at myself sitting there so young, naive. And so full to the brim with laughter. I see now where I am going wrong, but like any accident of hope, I can not bring myself to stop it. I have no one to turn to. I have isolated myself in this facade. How could I have lost sight of me? When did I forget about my hopes and dreams? Did the Army brainwash me into thinking like them? Am I forever lost in this isolation??

Why am I so cruel? Why am I so unjust? Why do the words fall from my mouth like daggers, aimed at those who love me? Why can't I be more patient? More loving? Why?

I have questions, but I can not articulate them. For fear of your reactions. For fear of your consequence. I am lost. So lost.

But I will continue to pretend. And as I cry in my dreams, so as to not disturb you, I will feel the suffocating desperation that is burning inside of me.

All because I love you.

Dirty little secret....

2006-11-12T16:04:00.000-05:00

I figured I would post 100 of my dirty little secrets, facts, and things about me. Just for laughs. Really for my own record.

I hate onions, but use them to cook a lot.
I have a lot of moles (or beauty marks). They're allover the place!
I love purses. But don't buy them as often as I used to.
I have too much makeup, but I want more.
I adore Stephen King's books.
I never wanted kids. But I had one.
I never wanted to be married. But I did it.
I didn't want a divorce. But I did it.
I hate sweet and meat together. As in mince meat pie. Yuck!
I thought I would go to college before I was 22.
I used to suffer from anorexia nervosa. I still want to lapse back into it. I did when I was getting divorced. I blamed my 40 lb weight loss on stomach issues.
I did a lot of drugs to forget my problems.
I used to drink to forget my problems.
I collect Snoopy stuff. Have since I was 5.
I get excited over cleaning commercials.
I was a constant drunk dialer. But I don't drink like that anymore.
I puked in Johnny's car. Twice. And he was still my friend.
I am no longer allowed in Adam's Morgan.
I have always had GM vehicles.
I have 3 tattoos.
I want a sleeve. Of what? I don't know.
I hate people who shave off their eyebrows. It scares me.
I have a lot of pictures of randomn things.
I wanted to be a photographer.
I gave up drawing, because my brother was better at it.
I have 4 brothers, and 1 sister.
I only keep in touch with 2 brothers and my sister.
I get jealous easily.
I have eternal patience with other people's kids.
I lack patience with my own.
I like to sing karaoke. But I suck at it.
I ♥ cheez-its.
I'm always cold. If it's not at least 78. I am cold.
My favorite colors are pink and green.
I can't live without coffee in the morning. It will just make me grumpy.
I always try to prepare for the worst.
I was a tomboy up until high school. Then I discovered boys.
I was a band nerd.
I was a cheerleader, on the dance team, and the mascot in high school. I loved being the mascot the most.
I feel depressed when things are unorganized.
My favorite holiday is Valentine's Day. My kitchen is decorated in hearts, and in red and white.
My favorite flowers are roses and lilies.
I hate people who are late.
I hate bad drivers.
I used to think I was in love with someone. But I wasn't. He manipulated me to think that I was dependent of him.
I get scared when I look in RC's eyes sometimes. I feel like I can dip in them.
My son's voice is so adorable. It is one of my favorite sounds in the world.
I think I will look into being a makeup artist when I done with the army.
I hate telling people what I do. Since they judge.
My thoughts are endless. I wish I could take a vacation from my head.
I cry during makeover shows, and almost any touching movie. But I can't cry freely.
I am so worried about my future. I hate not having control.
I wish I could run off and just marry RC already. But then I worry things will change.
I have a lot of nicknames.
I hated my XH most days. I would watch him sleep as I stayed up with my sick baby, and think of how to smother him. And if I could get away with it.
I can't believe I married him. But I learned so much.
I haven't gotten in trouble with the law since I was 17.
I used to work as a personal shopper/assistant for an escort service. I would set up dates, for really rich lonely men, set up the hotels, and buy outfits for the escorts. I would take home about $2,000 a week. I was making more then, than I do now.
I still have old letters from friends.
I collect small things that remind me of my life. They are very meaningful to me.
I used to be very catholic. But now, I am leaning towards agnostic. I got tired of praying to something I wasn't sure was there.
I feel a lot of guilt.
My mother always reminded me how much she wished she had had an abortion instead of having me.
I am severly in debt. Thanks, mom!
I used to date someone for free drugs.
I work out, not because it feels good, but in hopes that I will be thin again.
I usually ignore my health problems until they are so bad that I can't function.
I ♥ hoodies.
I love flip flops. They are the best thing ever!
I am NOT a morning person before coffee.
I love being kissed on my neck and forehead.
I wish I was a better writer.
I love to sleep. I need at least 9 hours to feel good the next day. But I prefer 12!
I got my first kiss when I was 13. Yeah.
My first kiss dumped me for my best friend. Yeah.
My best friend and I, used to live accross the street and get our kids together and get drunk. WE would bitch about our shitty lives. And how we got so off course.
I always worry that no one will like how I cook. But I try to act non-chalant when things come out badly.
I like to dye my hair. A lot.
I hate how I look in pictures.
I ♥ scented candles. I got a real weird thing about smells.
I once broke up with someone because he hung up on me. Twice.
I also broke up with someone because he had ugly and nasty feet.
I lost my virginity a week before my 16th b-day. I can't remember his name. But I can remember how bad he smelled.
Having sex does not end an argument for me. It just makes me feel better.
I hate talking about my feelings. I hate putting that burden on others.
I take the time to notice little things about everything.
The first things I notice about people are their hands and eyes.
I can't eat something that is too close to the expiration date. I get worried I will get food poisoning.
I remember every pet I have ever had.
One time, my brother found an almost dead bird. He told me to throw it up in the air to see if it would fly. It didn't and it fell to ground and died. They called me bird killer for a year. And my brother would pull on my feet when I was sleeping and say it was the bird.
I used to think Freddy Krueger was going to kill me.
I read all the time in junior high. It was the only thing that excited me.
I am really clumsy.
I love to decorate.
I have a bright orange bathroom.
I once threw up ramen noodles. That was not a good experience.
I have to have a thick blanket when I sleep. And a lot of pillows.
When I was little there was a white boy in my school. I had a crush on him. Since him, I have always had a thing for tall skinny white boys.
My favorite video game used to be Tekken or Soul Caliber.
I think I fell in love when I first laid eyes on RC during our change of command ceremony. He was standing there chatting up people in his white uniform. I glanced over, but looked away because I was too shy to make eye contact.

10 Secrets......10 People.....

2006-11-09T08:23:00.000-05:00

I posted this on myspace, thought it was a good idea. It's nice to put all that bad juju on "paper" instead of carrying it around. Now I can live guilt free I suppose.

1) List 10 things that you want to say to people, but never will.
2) Don't say who they are.
3) Never discuss it again.

1. You know, I thought we were friends, but you had to go and be scandalous. And that is just something I can't necessarily tolerate. I hate stupid drama. But you have to always go off and start some dumb bullshit. I'm glad that you are happy, now. Even bitches deserve to have some good in their lives.

2. I'm sorry that I did that to you. Really. I shouldn't have just broken your heart, that way. I seriously hope that you have found someone that makes you happy. I am happy, now. Thank you for always being there when I needed it. I should have been better for you, but things happen for a reason.

3. I was never going to actually stay with you. But circumstances prevented me from leaving. I don't regret what happened between us. It made me a stronger person. Thank you for aiding me in growing up. I wish I could have gotten over myself long enough to be a better partner. But I was too conflicted with my own desires of independence to even begin to be ready for what you asked of me. And if it wasn't for you, we wouldn't have had the greatest gift we have now.

4. Well, I wish I could tell you that I hate you. But I can't bring myself to do it to you. I wanted to for so long. You're always going to be a part of me, no matter how much I deny you. I needed you and you weren't there. You hurt me badly. But it's all good, because I am learning from your mistakes and seeing that it must have been difficult for you to cope with that situation. I will let him make his own judgements of you when he gets older. Maybe you can be better for him, than you were for me.

5. I thought I loved you. But as I have grown older, I realized that that wasn't love just mere infatuation. I was obsessed with what I thought was you. You lied to me for years and I was naive enough to believe you. When I found out the truth I was beyond hurt and asside with hatred for you. But I am glad that you apologized to me. And you taught me so much.

6. Keep drawing on your eyebrows, bitch. You're still ugly. And even though you tried to make my life shitty, and you did piss me off a great deal. I am all the better for it. Because as you sit at home not doing shit with your life, I am seeing so many beautiful things and experiencing life. So, I hope that no one ever treats you like you did me.

7. Hey, you! Yeah, thanks for being a shitty ass boss. Because I can now appreciate the good ones I have now. You made me a better worker and you taught me a lot about how people can be when put in positions of power. Especially those that don't deserve it.

8. I have never met you and you probably don't know about me. But I always have thoughts of you lingering in the back of my mind. I wish I could just see you. I want to know what you look like. What your voice is like. Because I carry a part of you in me. And I just want to answer some questions about myself. I know never will be able to bring myself to look for you. I just don't want to crash your life.

9. I wish I could have been a better friend to you. I want to call you sometimes, but I can't. It's so hard to know that you will never know how thankful I was for our friendship. You made a hard part of my life so much more tolerable. I hope you are in a better place now, and that you have finally found the peace you deserve.

10. You fucking crazy ass motherfucker. You taught me a lot! Without you, I probably I wouldn't have done all the things I did last year. I am glad that you taught me that I could be independent. And you said I hurt you? Well, in all honesty I don't think you ever had feelings for me. Just for yourself. You are obssessive, compulsive and psychotic in your love for yourself. And that was not healthy. Not for me, not for you. You have better things to live for, than someone who wasn't ready to love you.

I love you.

2006-11-07T08:15:00.000-05:00

"Brighter Than Sunshine"
by Aqualung

I never understood before
I never knew what love was for
My heart was broke, my head was sore
What a feeling

Tied up in ancient history
I didnt believe in destiny
I look up you're standing next to me
What a feeling

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
Brighter than sunshine

Let the rain fall, i don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine

And it's brighter than sunshine
I never saw it happening
I'd given up and given in
I just couldn't take the hurt again

What a feeling
I didn't have the strength to fight
Suddenly you seemed so right
Me and you
What a feeling

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
It's brighter than sunshine

Let the rain fall, I don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine

It's brighter than the sun
It's brighter than the sun
It's brighter than the sun, sun, shine.

Love will remain a mystery
But give me your hand and you will see
Your heart is keeping time with me

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
It's brighter than sunshine

Let the rain fall, I don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine

I got a feeling in my soul ...

I know you're upset with me. But I love you. And that is all I can do or say. We're in this till the end. You're it, whether you like it or not. And I wont give you up without a damn fight. So, bring it on. If you want to not talk to me, fine. I'll be here when you are ready to talk to me. Maybe I act immature a lot, but I am still young. I may not know a lot of things or how to do certain things but I do know that I Love you more than any other person I have ever cared for. I may not have the answers to every problem, but I am willing to work it out with you, because you are worth it to me. And I hope I am worth it to you.

With all that said, I LOVE you and I am sorry. Tell me what I have to do, and I'll do it.

Why, hello!

2006-11-06T09:45:00.000-05:00

I know I haven't necessarily been up to date with what has been going on with everything and everyone at the moment, just completely overwhelmed with everything that has happened in my life. I finally went and got my little boy back from my XH. That was akward. But he was actually nice this time. He didn't insult me for once, and didn't try to touch me. It was actually a big sigh of relief on my part, since I think he has finally gotten the fact that we are over. I don't know, maybe he has never felt anything for me, but it sure did seem like it after we got divorced. I feel terrible for him, I wish he would find a nice woman to make him happy, and keep him out of trouble. Enough about the XH.

My baby isn't a baby anymore! He is a little man! He is so grown up, I am just amazed. I am glad that he is potty trained and has had no accidents at all since he started going on the potty. He is very independent right now. You know, he just wants to do everything himself. I am just flabbergasted at how much he can do now. I feel pretty useless sometimes, since he can get dressed by himself now, take a bath by himself, brush his teeth, wash his face, and other things like that. It just is so weird. It almost makes me want to have another baby, so I can feel needed again. But I can't bring myself to think about what life would be like, if I did have another kid. I just don't think I have to capacity to love anything as much as I love my son. So, things haven't been going as smoothly as I wish they could, but I am working on it. I am trying to balance things, but it seems as though I am going to fail one way or other. I don't really want to go all into it, even though I think I should just be free of it. I guess I can try?

RC said something last night that really upset me. I know. I suck at telling people things right then and there, but I was so upset, that I didn't want to say something that I could possibly regret in the morning. And I am glad I didn't because then, I'd be having a bad day. He went back to OH this weekend, and even though I was upset he decided to not invite me and little man, I am glad it didn't happen. I am sure he needed a break from both of us. And it was nice to spend a quiet weekend at home not doing anything at all. I was in my PJs all weekend, and it was fabulous! Little man and I just noshed on snacks, watched cartoons, and played silly games. I seem to be having a problem with controlling my temper, even though I am seriously trying not to blow up over every little thing. But I just, I don't know. I just have been really stressed out over miniscule things, I suppose. It's really shitty. I just don't feel like I have anyone to talk to.

I miss my family. A lot. I need that closeness. I need to feel like everything will work out no matter what. It's so hard to not be there and be a part of the family. I just feel so displaced, and even though I have a couple of "friends" here, I can't really go to them when I am having a personal crisis, like I can with my family. Yes, I can actually talk to my family on the phone but it's not the same. I need that reassuring look from my dad, or that smile from my step-mom. I know I should tell RC about this stuff, but it's so hard. I hate being a burden. I don't like feeling like I might stress him out because of my dumb bull crap. I just, ugh!

I am worried about things. All things. Not working out like I planned. Or am planning. It's so difficult to get ideas in my head without me thinking about everything that could possibly go wrong and try to prepare for it. I wasn't prepared for having to find civilian daycare but I managed to get it done and get him in. And it only cost me all my savings! Woo Hoo. Now I have to start from scratch once again. I feel like I will never meet my goal.

I found one of my old journals yesterday. I read through it. My desperation, my unquiet lonliness and altogether dissatisfaction with how my life was going was clearly evident on every page. It is such a change, to think that only 3 years ago I was so scared to become independent, to be free. And that in the end it was the one thing that I lived for. I wanted to be divorced. I wanted to get away. I wanted freedom. And I got it. And maybe I paid the price by having a child that is perceived as needy. But I am glad to finally be appreciated even if I may not show it all the time, and may want to be left alone most days. I am happy that he still hugs me and loves me no matter what I look like, or am like. That he still wakes up and smiles at me as though it were the first time he looked at me. And I am happy to be a mom. Whether anyone agrees with how I parent, I don't care. I am doing what I think is right.

And that is good enough for me.

To the ghost of my past

2006-11-05T17:14:00.000-05:00

My wings were broken, The tears were shed
What was not spoken, Was left for dead

You deceived me, Beyond belief
I was not let be, In my bitter grief

I struck back, I glinted steel
I was under attack, Just to feel

I saw the sun rise, And watched the sun set
I could but only sigh, And feel immense regret

Wanted to be great, Wanted to move beyond
I was utterly upset, But I was empty and wronged

And as I let go, You came to me
Begged for me so; Again, I didn't see

Second chances, Wings still torn
Lost glances, Feelings forlorn

I asked for your best, yet I received nothing.
It must have been a test, It was something?

But I can't remember, Your face or your smile
Was it in November? It's been such a while.

I sigh with relief, as I find myself today
To think that was grief! No, sir. No, way.

So, goodbye and goodnight, sleep well everynight.
As you mutter my name, and hold yourself tight.

Please remember me as I was then.
Because I am different, and happier.

Two things you will never know.
All because you decided to let go....

Conceited!

2006-10-25T19:48:00.000-05:00

This is for the S-Project. I hope you all enjoy. And please criticize away!

Out of all the things I hate the most in life, it is blind dates. I can see the premise there. You meet someone without seeing them first, and you decide to meet somewhere. You know, all that ladi-dadi, if you will. But, see me, I've never had a hard time finding dates, if you know what I mean? I ain't bad looking, but I ain't no Brad Pitt. I am just you know, a little more than average. And what is it with you're friends always thinking they can set you up with someone that would "be perfect for you"? What is that all about?! I have never thought that someone was perfect for someone. Shit, we aren't perfect so what makes anyone perfect for anyone, let alone a single person. Oh, sorry. There I go again on some tangent. So, yeah. Let me tell you why it is that I don't trust people that want to set me up with one of their "oh so wonderful" girlfriends who just happens to be single. So, let me start from the beginning, if there really is one at this point.

Okay, okay. Well, I first heard of her through my cousin's girlfriend. I guess she knew her but didn't know her well, you know could tell me basics. I was single and young and dumb, and well you know the rest. So, I wasn't going to miss out on the opportunity to wine and dine someone, if it meant that we could.....well, not to be all crude...So yeah, you know the rest. I guess we had started emailing each other, after my cousin's girlfriend told her about me and gave me her email addy. And it advanced to IMing one another for a couple of days, until my wittiness just got her revved up to go. She seemed nice enough and well, she was younger than I usually liked girls to be, but I figured if anything it'd be nice to put it in her. Ha ha. That sounded funny. So, we talked on the IM thing and she came out with a whole we should meet up scenario. I put it off, since I didn't know what she looked like, and she didn't know what I looked like. I guess that was pretty even ground. So yeah, we met up. Let me tell you about that first.

We met up on a Saturday or was it a Friday, shit I don't remember....but you get the gist of it. We met up at a local pool hall. Specy's or something like that on her side of town. Right off the bat I could tell she was a brat. She had that look. Like I am not amused, well you picked the spot! But yeah, I happened to be at the bar, and in she walks talking on her cell phone. Who gives a 16 year old a cell phone? Don't get me wrong I didn't figure she was that young until she mentioned something about high school and some sophomore classes, but that is later. Anywho, she was wearing this nice little dress, not too fited and had long dark hair with some crazy color streaks in it. I think they were either pink or red. I don't know it was a dark place. She swung her hair back, and looked right at me and had this sneaky smile. I almost wanted to turn around and look behind me. She looked around the place, as if someone there would tell her who I was. She was tall, and she was wearing these sexy like slutty shoes. A little skinnier than I liked girls, but she was nice. I guess she was trying not to look disappointed when I walked up to her and asked her name. She nodded politely, and I stepped in to give her a hug, but she hesitated mid-hug which made it akward. She was actually really pretty once you got up close, in a sort of glamorous way. She wore a lot of make-up, and that is kind of gross to me. But enough about how she looked!

We got a pool table, eventually. She was drinking a sprite with a cherry, and I had a beer. We got to playing. She was either trying to be bad for my sake, or she just really sucked. I let her know too many times I think, because by our 3rd game she was rolling her eyes at me, and checking out the other guys in the place. I was getting pissed, 'cus she was you know doing it when I would look at her and acting all distracted. She was getting bitchy, looking at her phone when I was trying to make a shot. She sighed loudly, when I told her it was her turn. I was trying to talk, but she didn't seem to care about what I was talking about. She worked as a personal shopper. Which I tried to get her to explain more, but she wouldn't. Every conservation I started she'd shut me down completely.

We ended up sitting down by the bar to talk, when all of a sudden she runs to the door and starts hugging some guys that walked in. I was pissed, we had actually started talking. I had begun to get some actual conversation and I was startin' to dig her. But she just straight up disrespected me and walked off in the middle of my sentence. I mean, who does that?! She invited the guys over. I was giving them the once over. We introduced ourselves. I guess they were her brother's friends. They looked too old to be in high school. So, they eyeball me, and asked her what she was doing there so late. It was akward. She gave one them a kiss on the cheek. Which to no one's surprise just further pissed me off. Who did this bitch think she was? I mean here I am, I'm 21, in college, got my place and I want to stick it in her little skinny ass, and she is just pissing me off and ignoring me!

Well, the guys end up playing and we're sitting at the table, trying to talk. I found out she was in high school. But I didn't call her out on it. The more I tried to talk for is the blanker her eyes got. Or maybe it was those fucking contacts. She was so fake! How could my cousin's girl do this to me? I was trying to be cool, and talk about college, and my job and stuff. But she didn't care. I was gonna have to call Marco's girl and cuss her out for this bullshit. So, I guess she had asked me something, but I was going over the conversation with my cousin in my head 'cus she leaned in real close and gawked at me with her hands up in question. Like I was some damn kid. I wanted to push her off, but I just told her to quit it. She said "Fuck you, ass!" And walked off. Yeah, to the table with the guys she knew. They looked at me. I looked back. I was furious. I just wanted to slap that hoe.

I couldn't fuckin' believe this conceited ass cunt.

I walked out of the bar. And I sure as hell told Marco to never set me up with crazy ass high school bitches. And to think I had just wanted to fuck her. And I had to deal with that bullshit.

So, yeah, blind dates? Fuck you, ass!

AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHH

2006-10-23T08:45:00.000-05:00

Fuck this.

Call Me

2006-10-16T07:17:00.000-05:00

This is an entry for The Scheherazade Project. Enjoy. And for those who come to read, please criticize away! I would love to improve my writing skills. Thanks a million!

Sammy walked around in a drunken stupor into the tiny restroom. She looked at her reflection in the dirty mirror and almost shuddered in regret. Why had she decided to take all those shots? It's not like she didn't know how much she could take, if anything she was an expert at knowing her limitations. Her reflection had a sad desperation in it's eyes. She stumbled closer into the streaky mirror and turned the knob on the filthy faucet. The clean water flowed into her hands, and she took a palm full splashing it on the crusty mirror. The filth streaked down in sad tears. She could see her face much more clearly. The green paint in the bathroom gave her face an eerily dead look. She leaned over the sink and peered closer. Her make-up was half sweated off, half smeared under her eyes. Her cheeks were deep hollows. Her lips not full anymore. Her eyes seemed to sag with tiny wrinkles. The sweat dripped off her forehead. Her hair seemed thin and sparse as it was matted to her skin with sweat and hairspray. But the thing that struck her the most, was her empty eyes.

She stumbled away quickly as she muttered to herself. She tripped over unseen things on the floor. Trying to catch herself before falling to the floor, she quickly grabbed on to the stall's door. As she crashed to the ground she found her hand had landed onto some ancient graffiti. Suddenly an old pain hit her. It was a deep throbbing in her chest. She knew what it was, but decided agaisnt acknowledging it. The heartache grew in spurts throughout her body. It was furious and boiling this time. Certainly this had to be the worst night of her life. Slipping into the sudden depression, she caressed the name before her. The door was covered with obscenities and drawings of body parts, by unsteadily drunk hands. She whispered the name into the door, as if he were some lover of her past. Imagination and her drunken stupor got the best of her when she began to see herself walking down the aisle in a pristine white gown, and walking towards "Danny". Their kiss lingered on her lips, and they walked away from the altar as husband and wife. She leaned her head back to get into their limosine, but was snapped back to the soiled stall.

Her hand was clasping the stall door, and she could feel the vibrations of the jukebox playing in the bar. How could she return to that? How could she have the courage to look at his face? To see him in his happiness? She hated the fact that he had moved on without her. That he had found what she had wished for them. And after all this time, she could still feel how frantic she had been with him. Had clung on to him, as he carelessly strung her along. Blistering tears welled up in her eyes. A fire grew inside of her. She banged her head agaisnt the stall, willing herself not to cry. She wiped her eyes. Held her head up high with a small grin on her face. Her cell phone was in her hand before she realized that she had already dialed the number on the door.

"Talk" Her finger hovered over it. It quickly moved over to "End". The numbers light up the dark stall staring omninously at her. 555-0947. What was she doing? She almost laughed out loud at her hopelessness. She sighed heavily. Oh, what the hell? It's probably a wrong number anyway, she thought to herself. But what if that is this "Danny"? And why had someone put his actual number on the stall door. Before she had finished her thoughts, she heard ringing. Oh, no! I pressed the button without realizing it! The phone rested on her shoulder. She took out her lipgloss and messily put some on.

Ring.

Ring.

Okay, that's four rings. I can't. As her finger hovered over the "End" button she thought she heard a voice.

"Hello?"

Oh, crap. Someone actually answered. Two choices, Sam. Two. Hang up. Or talk. She breathed rapidly.

"Uhhm...hi. Is this....Danny?", She said softly. Her mind was racing along with her heart. She could feel the pulse vibrating agaisnt the phone.

"Yeah. Who is this?", a sleepy, but kind voice came through.

"I'm sorry for bothering you-"

"Is it Joey? Is he alright?"

"-Oh, this has nothing to with uhm-- I'm sorry... I, uh...well, I found your number- and I know this must sound really weird but I decided to call."

"Oh."

"Yeah, oh. I am Samantha, by the way, just in case you were wondering. You know? So, yeah."

"Okay, hi Samantha. Can I call you, Sam..or Sammy? This is akward. Do you usually call strangers in the night?"

"Uhmm..sure...whatever you want, you know? And yeah. Well, I've never done anything like this....and I figured...what the hell. You know what I mean? I just...you know. Didn't think it was a real number....and it is...And now it's...wow...."

"Hmm...I don't know what to say. It's sort of like a twilight zone thing....I...uhm...okay...so where are you? Why did you call me?"

"Ha ha ha...I'm at the bar. You know the one in town, with the pool tables. It's pretty boring here. I...don't know why I called you, in the first place. I guess...I just took a chance. Maybe like, you want to meet up, you know? Or--something...yeah?" She tried not to sound desperate.

"Sure. Be there in 10 minutes. See you there." And he hung up. She literally would have falllen if she wasn't crouched on the floor. Her hand started to close her cell phone. While her body was responsive she stared at his name on the bathroom door, blankly. Ten minutes, Sammy. You got ten. Leave. Leave, right now. Just go. He'll never know. Her mind was racing with clashing thoughts. She wanted to flee her drunkeness. Wanted to lie in her own bed. Except, not alone. She wanted to meet him and do the things that made her happy. She would be better this time. Not cling too tightly. She would play it coy. Afterall...the number worked. And he was on his way.

Sammy was scrambling to get up to the mirror while taking the lipgloss out of her purse once again. She got a hold of the lipgloss, and was smiling back at her reflection. For an instant, there was a real glimmer in her eyes. As she slipped and hit her head on the sink, her eyes and heart sank into the sadness that had beheld her. Before she realized what was happening, she hit the ground. But she didn't feel a thing.

A short time later, "Danny" walked into the bar. He scanned the bar, the pool tables only to find older women and drunk men playing pool or drinking alone. He walked over to the bar to ask the bartender, but decided agaisnt it. As he walked out, he shrugged his shoulders, and thought it was a cruel joke. Danny glanced back looking hopefully to see someone there looking for him. He left into the cool night, seething with anger, as she lay there without pain for the first time in her life for a long time.

Copy cat...

2006-10-12T10:12:00.000-05:00

Eh? What can I say? I am tired, sleepy, and in a bitchy mood. I hope you enjoy.

1. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

Hmm...It's not a nice thing so I wont say....ha ha ha....

2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be?

Hmmmm....I can't think of one just like right off my head...but maybe William Hung. Yes. Him.

3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

I almost did this morning. Me + Mornings + Frisbee Football = You'll get punched.

4. What is your favorite cheese?

Oooh....probably cheddar....and colby jack...and mozarella...and Oh so many....

5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind will you make?

Big ol' meat and cheese sanGwich.

6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice?

Ha ha ha...It's a tie between Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp...Man....(RC: Christina Ricci? Ha ha ha...)

7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who do you pick?

Hmm....Jared Leto. LMAO....(RC: Shania Twain? Wow.)

8. Now that you've slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy crap, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it?

Probably on something completely unnecessary like movies, make-up or candy.

9. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

Greece

10. Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill. Now that you are in the new location, what are you gonna do?

Man, I must be super lucky! OOoh gyros....lol....and all things greek...

11. A demon rises out of Hell and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. It is...?

Oh...tie between Jack Daniel's and Grey Goose....

12. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you traveling to and what are you going to do when you get there?

Hey, Rufus!! You're lookin' good...Hmm...I wish I could have lived in the Victorian era...The gowns, and scandals.....Yum!

13. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

To love unconditionally.

14. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it called and what's the premise?

Oh, I'd probably do a cookin' show for real people like me....Who are too busy to make and poor to have all those fancy things...

15. What is your favorite curse word?

Hmm..all....I gotta potty mouth....Shit, I live with a Sailor....FUCK!

16. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren't really doing anything, they're just standing around your bed. What do you do?

I'd probably wake up Randy...and start cutting up some mofos....

17. Your house is on fire! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don't worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what's the item?

Hmm....my memories box.

18. The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour?

I'd definitely write out all the things I wish I could have done, and give it to my son.

19. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What's it gonna be?

Oh...There's so many cool things....but I think being like Mystique off of X-men....and be able to morph into anyone I want.

20. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

I would have to say the moment I first saw my son. I never want to forget that. And I have never felt so many emotions.

21. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

The day I saw my dad hit my mom.

22. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool stuff... you can move to anywhere else in the world! Bitchin'! What country are you going to live in now?

Oh Italy. I would love to live there.

23. This question still counts, even for those of you who are under age. Check it out. You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE. Which one is it gonna be?

Ha ha ha...Pressure Cooker....I loved that place.

24. Hopefully you didn't mention this in the super-powers question.... If you did, then we'll just expand on that. Check it out... Suddenly, you have gained the ability to FLOAT!!! Whose house are you going to float to first, and be like "Dude, check it out... I can FLOAT!"?

Man! I can float and morph into other people? I'd probably morph into RC's XW. And do evil things.

25. The constant absorption of magical moonbeams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous-person of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life?

Oh...Marilyn Monroe

26. The Gates of Hell have opened, and Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person, etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

My uncle. I wish I knew him better. And Big Johnny!

27. What's your theme song?

Right now? Maybe " Heal Over" by KT Tunstall.

I'm alive...I promise!

2006-10-02T07:19:00.000-05:00

Hello! How are ya'll? Well, for those who care and who still read this, I am still here. I have just been so busy with everything. So a quick update on everything. Hmm...where to begin. Okay. I go it!

Well, last week I was really sick with what the doctor called an upper respiratory infection. But I have had them before and that was nothing like what I have experienced before. I mean I was flat out on my butt. For a couple of days, I seriously wanted to crawl under a rock and die. But I think I am getting better. I only get really bad coughing fits where I feel I might puke. I know, it's sexy!

I have been so busy at work, trying to get things in order and trying to get things done. We have this inspection in March that is very important. So, everyone has been running around like chicken with their head cut off. TS&HA is well too sick, in the head. At least that is what she says and now she gets to be off work and do whatever it is she does when she is off work. It's crazy. I mean I work my butt off and people expect me to try harder and give more. While she messes up all the time, is never here, and they expect next to nothing from her. LCS is now my boss. He got a promotion and is now in charge of our section. I think it will be good. He sort off lets me take off with certain ideas in how to improve things here and lets me run with it. I really do appreciate that sort of creative building he supports. And he doesn't treat me like a complete idiot, so I think things will look up.

Speaking of work, I am still looking up jobs in San Antonio. I am a little unnerved by the future transition out of the military, but I am so ready to just be done with it. I am going to miss the benefits. I am sure RC feels the same way, since he doesn't know if he will find a job there. But I told him he could be my househusband. LOL....Sorry, the mental picture is just enough to make me smile. I am still debating whether we'll be able to get a house, I mean that is a huge commitment. And it is pretty scary thinking about it. What if things don't work out? I mean geez. We'd be stuck like chuck because of a house.

This past weekend was RC's 24th birthday. We had a lot of fun! I made reservations at a Bed and Breakfast in Oakland, MD which is about 3 hours from here. It was absolutely beautiful up there. We were close to West Virginia and this beautiful lake. But it was so cold up there, and it did rain quite a bit. But we really enjoyed ourselves, and got to relax. It was nice to just get away from things for a couple of days. We didn't have any cell phone service up there, so it sucked but it was nice to not have to worry about people calling and such (Sorry, Specy I know you wanted to talk to RC, but get over it!). We got to have a wonderful romantic getaway, and even though it too cold to fish, hike, or go horsebackriding, it was awesome to just be in this cozy place in a secluded town tucked away in all this beautiful nature. I got some nice pictures of stuff before we left and hopefully I will post them up for ya'll.

I am getting ready to go get my little man, soon. I can't wait. It's so nerve racking. I feel like it's a first date, or something. I am so nervous about seeing him and how he will react. He is a little bit older now and can understand things that he might not have last year. I always think he might get upset that he has to come back here. But on a good note, he wanted to talk to RC on Sunday. Which surprised both of us! I mean just a couple of weeks ago he was calling him stupid. Which ignited a fight with my XH. I thought XH was trying to be spiteful towards me, but he claims complete innocence to that. Oh well. What can I do? I can just tell my son that it's not nice to say stuff like that and not give him a reaction to it. Even though I think RC probably might have gotten his feelings hurt. I know Gabe loves him, but I am sure he is confused as to why his mommy and daddy don't live together. Gabe asks why we can't live in the same house. And it's so hard to explain to him. But I am honest with him, and have always strived to be. It's still hard for him to understand. And he might not untill he is a little bit older. I think it would be easier if my XH would just start dating someone seriously, so that Gabe wont feel like I am leaving his daddy behind.

Let's see...what else has been going on?

I haven't really been doing anything. I am just trying to get mentally prepared for the next year. And for life in general. I am growing up a lot. I am figuring out who I am. But it's so hard when there is so much filler to everything. It's all fluff. Smoke and mirrors. It's so hard to be just me. I feel like I have changed so much. Bittered. And I am mad at myself. For so many things. It's just hard for me to just let it out. This blog has helped me a lot. But it's still hard to just be straight up. Because I don't think I am ready to let go of that security. I can unclasp my death grip on how I feel. I am still so lost. I feel like I have been in this rat race and I am beginning to understand that this isn't a race, it's a maze. And sometimes I will make the wrong turns and hit walls and dead ends. So, should I turn around or just find a way under, over or through it? I am still this hurricane of emotions. Just dancing my way through the waters, trying not to destroy too much along my way. I'm only getting older. But am I doing my best to become wiser?

I have always been childish. I'm the person in your office that you may find obnoxious. The one who runs in the halls screaming. The one who super glues your phone to your desk. Or your mouse to your mousepad and your mousepad to your desk. Or changes your password on your computer. Or draws on your pictures. Or who puts bugs in your stuff to get a reaction. The one who skips around, laughing like a maniac at times. I know you might be thinking I am this nerd, or a mean person. But that is just me. I like to have fun. And be weird. RC knows. I ask ridiculous questions, I try to satisfy my curiousity with all things in life. I am trying to make this the best ride I can. And even if sometimes I do misstep when I am skipping, and even if I may be hoarse from laughing so hard, I am learning how to laugh at myself. For always getting food on myself. For always being unperfect. For always being human. And because I make mistakes and missteps, I have learned that life isn't always so scary. And that in order to enjoy the good, I have to have some bad happen. And even if I might not laigh when bad things happen, I know that eventually I will.

So, that's what has been going on with me.

Oh yeah! Only 19 more days till the big 1 year anniverssary for me and RC. And on the 3rd of November, I think will be my 1 year bloggiverssary. So yay!!!

Ha ha ha. Have a nice week, ya'll!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-09-29T08:41:00.000-05:00

Happy birthday, my baby! *muah* I love you.

Oh yeah, and this is for you, too....Thank you for being so wonderful.

Acerbic

2006-09-08T11:00:00.000-05:00

A definition.

a‧cer‧bic: Show Spelled Pronunciation[uh-sur-bik] Pronunciation Key

–adjective
1.
sour or astringent in taste: Lemon juice is acerbic.
2.
harsh or severe, as of temper or expression: acerbic criticism.

Wow, that stings.

I have been called many things in my short life, but only a few stick with me.

I know my sense of "humor" is quite different and dry.
I know I am not an easy person to get along with.
I used to be nice.
I also used to be a welcome mat for tragedy and sadness.

And in order to stop the oocurence of this, I have put up a defense system inside of me that would rather berate someone than to let them know how mushy I am inside. I know it's not a healthy thing to teach a child, I recognize that. But it is so hard to be a good person and be genuinely sweet, when everyone is just trying to use you or screw you over. RC has called me rude. Others balk at my comments. I am just as scared of rejection as everyone else, so why must I reject everyone in order to stop it from happening to me. I feel like I have created something that I can't necessarily stop anymore. I don't want to be seen as rude or crass. I am a good person inside, but since I have my defenses up so high, not a lot of people realize that I am actually nice and in some instances sweet. I wish I could blame it on my childhood or even on my parents, but I can't. I have unveiled it all on my own. I have learned the hard way how to roll with the punches, and I have also learned that they never stop coming. I hate the fact that people may view me as a bitch, or mean. I am really, neither. I am straightforward and even blunt. But I try to be kind with my words, and I usually fail. I hate that.

I see my son growing up, flourishing. And I regret so many instances where I have lost my head in anger, or have taken out my bad days on him. I have done it to RC, also. I bite my tongue. I hang my head. And everyonce in awhile I let the tears flow. I bleed, I cry, I hurt. I am just like everyone around me. Yet, I am the person that you see as rude, or acerbic. Or just downright mean. I can't even look at my son's face on my desk, because I hurt so much inside thinking that I am actually making him a bad person for not knowing how to make myself better. I don't know how I got here. Or what to do now, that I am at this place of recognition and of acceptance. I know that I am a terribly sarcastic person. I know I have a wagging tongue with daggers that fly out in rapid bursts. I want to not be this way. I want to be adjusted. I want to be an adult.

I am tired of being a mean girl.

And yes, it still stings. Deep inside.

Grudges

2006-08-28T08:45:00.000-05:00

I think there is a lot of internal work that I need to start. I wish I could rewire myself sometimes, and sort of start off new. But it's hard to. I don't know where to start. I am one of those people that forgives easily, but believe me I will never forget. Once someone crosses me the wrong way, my defenses will be up permanently. It is the one aspect of my personality that really bothers me. I mean sure I have many others. But they all sort of tie in to this one. This is the after effect of those emotions. I do put up my defense in new situations. I am terribly sarcastic, and even rude at times. Why? Because I don't want to get hurt. It's sort of a veil I hide behind, as I walk down the aisle of life. I hide behind that. I am scared and wounded. I don't want to be seen for who I am. I am sensitive and emotional. I am also honest. It is my greatest strenght and weakness. I can't just "get over" things. I have never been able to. And I am ashamed to admit it. I know I am not perfect, and I know I should damn well try to be. But it's hard to feel so damaged. I am jealous without reason, I get angry over the smallest thing, and I am passive aggressive. I don't want to be these things. It's not a healthy environment for a child to thrive, much less love. I doubt myself a lot these days. I am insecure. I need reassurance from those around me that even though I may be a tyrant with my words, that I am still capable of being lovable. And that they wont abandon me once I let them down. After all, I am human. I fall, I get dirty. I crash to the earth, and bleed like everyone else.

With the availability of myspace now, well it makes it easy to keep in touch with people I haven't talked to or seen in years. Even the ones that I never have forgiven for past misdoings. For example, this girl (let's nickname her Blonde Girl, or BG for short), found me. We used to be inseparable. We would hang out and my family loved her. It was cool. We were complete opposites. But together we began to rule my high school. We were a team. And with that came certain privledges. I know, this sounds like the plot to a stupid teen movie, but hold on...okay?

So, in the escense of the movie Thirteen I was her Tracy to my Evie. She was the bad girl, and I the good girl. I had never done drugs, had sex and so on. She exposed me to so many things. But I wont go into great detail about it.

A couple months go by. I see us being divided, slowly. Mechanically. All I will say is we fell out of touch. She really hurt me. And misused my trust. Well, she found me on myspace. And now she wont leave me alone. It's not that I still harbor bad feelings, but I feel like I can't trust her if she has screwed be before. I told her that I was still upset with her, she said she was sorry. But somehow, I find it hard to believe. I know I am not perfect and that I too have hurt people along my path. But I wont ask for forgiveness unless I truly know that I am sorry. I am not sorry for a lot of things, and maybe I am just immature, but I'll apologize when I am ready and truthful about it.

I have learned a lot in the past couple years about people who misuse your trust. I have learned that I used to retrust so easily and just look like a bigger fool in the end. So, I have used these instances as examples for everyone. I sort of have a throw away policy. If you screw me over once, I throw you away. It may not be right, but it's the truth. I have been hurt too many times to be wasting my time any longer with people who are just out to use me. I am honest. It's not like I don't let people know of this policy. I don't have the patience to keep forgiving and to keep letting things slide.

Yes, I am a keeper of a grudge. I just....well, I am ashamed to admit it. But you know what, I guess the first step to recovery would be acceptance. I am recognizing the fact that I have a problem and that I want to work on it. I wish I wasn't so cynical. I wish I was more forgetful and mindful that I am not the first person in history to have had my heart broken, or been hurt by someone's words or actions. And in all actuallity, I guess I don't want my son to be so unforgiving like I am. I am setting a bad example for him. I am not being a good catholic as my family would say. I mean he is still learning about himself and how to conduct himself. I don't want him to think that holding a grudge is an acceptable form of behavior. I don't want him to get trampled on and become cynical as I have.

So, how does one get past indiscretions, or past hurts? How can I help myself past being navie but not all the way to cynicism? How can I get to that place of utimate forgiveness, or of patience with mistakes that people make? I want to be different. But would that alter who I am so used to being? I want to be a better person. For my son, for Randy, for my family, but most importantly for myself. I don't mean to keep rambling, but I feel so lost. So confused about which path is the one to take. So wish me luck.

Because I think I will try to put down my grudge. And I will try to be friends with BG and with the other whore who screwed me over.

Again.

For Sale by Owner

2006-08-21T11:25:00.000-05:00

My latest entry for the S project. Link in "The Ones I Adore" section. Criticism welcome....Except for the bad kind...lol....

When they had planned on moving, they hadn't expected to fall for a house so out of repair and broken that it was looked at as a waste of money and time from their close friends. But the house had a magnetic force that drew them in. It was a rainy day in October when they drove by an old country road. Vast expanses of fields surounded the little house and the trees in the yard were over a 100 years old.

They drove in to the drive way in order to turn around when she looked towards the abandoned house with a gleam in her eyes. It looked like a haunted house out of a cheap movie, but something drew her in. She whispered to her husband to wait, as she immediately stepped out of the car. She slowly walked up the withered path to the front porch. The rain seemed to dance around her figure, and her husband watched perplexed from the car. After hesitating for what seemed like hours, he stepped out of the car into the light drizzle and stood aback in the sheer ugliness of the house. He could have sworn he felt a whisper near his ear, so he rapidly caught up to his wife. They stood in sheer amazement in the disrepair of the wilted porch.

The quaintness and monstrosity of the house sucked them in. In one of the dusty windows was a sagging "For Sale by Owner" sign. It was faded and dirty, but she jumped in delight when her eyes fell on the omninous sign. He looked at her and rolled his eyes. As he quickly reminded her that there were still two houses their realtor wanted them to see just up the road, he realized she wasn't budging until she saw every nook and crany in the house. Mold was winning the war on the wood, trash was littered about the roof, and an old shack sat askew from the house.

But he didn't see that, for a flashing moment he saw the house in a different time. The gleaming fresh white paint on the house, the navy blue borders, the beautiful wood porch with a rocking chair, the young sapling growing in the midst of the softest green grass, the forget-me-nots, roses and morning glories rocking gently in the breeze. He smelled the fresh cut wood, the aromatic scent of the small garden and the disticnt tinge of fresh apple pie floating from the open and immaculately clean window sill. He thought he heard giggling inside of the kitchen. All this happened in a second. He blinked and it was back to the old rundown house. She had started to walk towards the porch, and rose upon each step gingerly. Her hand reached out for the doorhandle, when he finally spoke.

"Are you crazy?! What are you doing? This isn't our house, you can't just waltz in!" He shouted from the overgrown walkway.

She jumped startled at the sound of his booming voice, and her weight crushed the decayed porch to the ground. She shrieked and he ran towards her. Disturbed ants and beetles crawled out from around the hole. And they both crashed agaisn't the open door into the foyer. Even though the outside of the house had a haunted appeal, the inside was almost new looking. Rich mahogany wood panels stretched up halfway up the walls. The walls were a mint green, so pale and innocent appearing, that it reminded them both of Easter. The colors contrasted drastically but made such a wonderful impact on their eyes that she started giggling and he couldn't help but smile. As he rose to his feet and dusted off the ancient dirt, he noticed she had already began treking troughout the house. She found herself in the kitchen. It was evident that it hadn't been used since the early 40s, as the vintage kitchen was cluttered with empty boxes. All the appliances were severly outdated. The cabinets and counters were reminiscent of a dinner.

She stood behind the island in the kitchen, and struck a pose. "Could you imagine us living here? Wouldn't it be great?!", She giggled. He could almost see an apron on her small waist, a Rita Hayworth hairstyle, pearls on her neck, and vampy red lips. His smug grin turned into a wide smile. She was walking towards him.

He stood there looking around the kitchen and dinning room. The floor was the same rich mahogany wood as the entrance, and it had been perserved well under the dust. Spider webs hung low from the bright corners, and you could see a lost bettle strutting accross the floor.

"It's a lot of work, but I think it would be great. Almost as if we built it ourselves. And you know you wanted to build a house. Please? Pretty please with a cherry on top, dear???" She murmured as she scooted into his chest. "We could make it so beautiful. And then when we have our kids we would have all this room outside....", she continued to whisper into his chest. He looked around and shook his head gently. He wasn't convinced. But he knew she was extremely stubborn and that is why he struggled not to groan at the idea of having to fix the place up just so she would be happy. She looked up at him, questioning him with her eyes.

*******

As the years pass, and Ican't help but think of how my mom must have been at 22. Just married to a wealthy family, with a handsome husband. How beautiful, how delighted she must have been when she first saw this house. I remember her telling us about how she saved this house, just for us. Saved it! She isn't doing too well now, seems this cancer thing the docs talk about it spreading to places they can't get to nowadays. Most days she stays locked up in the master bedroom. I have heard her cry out that this wasn't done or she never got to finish this on the house. Dad passed on 10 years ago, and it's been rough. It's just me and Maryangelina to try our best. And we try to keep up with everything mom wanted to do to the house. Her greatest fear is to let it fall into the disrepair she found it in. And like the good girls we are, I promised her I would care for it, just like she did.

Where'd she go?

2006-08-12T10:38:00.000-05:00

This is another entry for The S Project. It is partly FICTIONAL.......

"Hello, dear" I said. I always pronounced hello differently. Maybe it was the over emphazising on the hell part that made people's eyes dart nervously around. I stuck out my hand towards her. She flinched slightly, but took my hand and shook it lightly. Her eyes watched our hands meet, and she gave me a fake smile. It didn't even touch her eyes or cheeks. The muscles stretched up like curtains at a show. The eyes were timid, scared.

"Follow me this way, hun" I said. I tried to use a gentler voice. But I had a more direct approach when it came to talking to them. Who is them? You'll find out in good time, dear. Just wait. So, she begins to follow me down the halls turning and winding down to my small office. I gestured towards the chairs. "You can sit wherever you like," I said in a syrupy voice. Hmm, maybe too sweet, for she eyes flinched and she stared at me like a deer caught in the headlights. I smiled as she took a step forward looked around and started to remove her jacket. She put her file down on the table next to her, and was desperately trying to look around. She was looking for something of comfort. I cleared my throat and was about to commence my usual drawn out speech of ethics.

"Uhm, I don't know why I came here... I just feel so....so...sad. And it's so hard to like-hmm...to go on...and I don't know..." She exasperatedly blurted. I could see the weight being lifted off of her shoulders as she said it. She smiled once again in a neurotic manner. Her eyes darted this way and that. She once again scanned the room for comfort.

I introduced myself, we exchanged nuisances about weather, politics, religion. You have to build a trusting space for the patients we saw. They all range in severity! But eventually, I got her to warm up to me. I continued to question and prod. Jotted small notes in my file. I watched her responses to my questions, and her mannerisms. She was neurotic, depressed, and from the sound of our talks suffering from body issues. The way she knotted and tangled her hands, the way she couldn't make eye contact. Or the way she bit her lips, nervously. She shook her leg constantly. I didn't want to push too far, so I stayed in what I call a "Safe Zone".

The first few encounters were simple enough, we talked lightly for a half hour twice a week. She began to open up. Flourish. I could see the tears start, but her composure was shut off. She was trapped inside of herself and she wanted out. But something....always held her back. Eventually she began to trust me. We began to talk about her current life. How it made her feel. How she was coping with all that had been "dumped", as she put it, on her. The tears would flow freely now. She was angry, repressed, and depressed about her situation. She felt her station in life was making her feel miniscule. She spoke about her mother. By then it was an hour a day once a week.

It was a brisk morning and she came in for our weekly appointment. We had worked on her depression, things were looking less bleak for her. I had began to monitor her food intake, and had her see a nutritionist. I hadn't heard much about her family, much less her mother, but today something had set her off. She came in sat down quickly and began. The story was long, but informative. She thought it might be the root of the "problem" as she referred to her mental state.

"I always thought it was me...You know that I was somehow broken, or undone. Or hmm-whatever you want to call it. Like something was missing, but I think it was her all along. Like....as though it were....Oh, I don't know...what am I trying to say....It came to me last night...and it was like...click....there's your answer," She said excitedly. By this point in time her smiles were genuine, I had become accustomed to her inflections of her voice. She was honest, and had a sense of humor most would not understand. She went on trying to describe this so called epiphany about her mother. And I was waiting patiently for her to sort out her thoughts. Her progress was very quick, and she was doing much better now. She had begun to gain weight, and sleep better.

"...I guess....you know all the stuff she said all along, wasn't true. Like she can't unblur the line between reality and her lies. I guess she was just born that way....Or is it like....a learned attribute...is it....You know, like she was so unhappy with herself she had to do all those things to me....and be how she was to me...Because she was just wired that way," She stammered quickly. Her hands opened and closed and she gestured what she was trying to say with her body language. It was almost inconcivable that this was the same person that had walked in here so grimly four months before!

She hasn't come in for some time now. I saw her for a couple months after her grande epiphany. She had learned how to deal with her emotions on a smaller scale. I wonder, if she thinks about coming in, but hesitates. I haven't seen her in about 6 months. She had relayed information about finding someone she thought she was in love with. I guess they are happy since she hasn't come in here with a crushed heart. I am glad that her life is going better. I almost wish she would come in to let me know she is better.

We all have emotional glitches. We all experience bad times, bad things, and bad relationships. And we all need someone to lend us a helping hand when life becomes too much to bear. We all go through this life without instructions. It always is reassuring to know someone is willing to listen.

If only I had access to her mother. I would love to see if she really was born that way.

Anna Quindlen's Commencement Address at Villanova

2006-08-01T08:37:00.000-05:00

The following is from Pulitzer Prize winning author Anna Quindlen's commencement address to Villanova University, Friday 23 June 2000:

It's a great honor for me to be the third member of my family to receive an honorary doctorate from this great university. It's an honor to follow my great-uncle Jim, who was a gifted physician, and my Uncle Jack, who is a remarkable businessman. Both of them could have told you something important about their professions, about medicine or commerce.

I have no specialized field of interest or expertise, which puts me at a disadvantage, talking to you today. I'm a novelist. My work is human nature. Real life is all I know. Don't ever confuse the two, your life and your work. The second is only part of the first.

Don't ever forget what a friend once wrote Senator Paul Tsongas when the senator decided not to run for reelection because he'd been diagnosed with cancer: "No man ever said on his deathbed I wish I had spent more time in the office." Don't ever forget the words my father sent me on a postcard last year: "If you win the rat race, you're still a rat." Or what John Lennon wrote before he was gunned down in the driveway of the Dakota: "Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans."

You walk out of here this afternoon with only one thing that no one else has. There will be hundreds of people out there with your same degree; there will be thousands of people doing what you want to do for a living. But you will be the only person alive who has sole custody of your life. Your particular life. Your entire life. Not just your life at a desk, or your life on a bus, or in a car, or at the computer. Not just the life of your minds, but the life of your heart. Not just your bank account, but your soul.

People don't talk about the soul very much anymore. It's so much easier to write a resume than to craft a spirit. But a resume is a cold comfort on a winter night, or when you're sad, or broke, or lonely, or when you've gotten back the test results and they're not so good.

Here is my resume: I am a good mother to three children. I have tried never to let my profession stand in the way of being a good parent. I no longer consider myself the center of the universe. I show up. I listen, I try to laugh. I am a good friend to my husband. I have tried to make marriage vows mean what they say. I show up. I listen. I try to laugh. I am a good friend to my friends, and they to me. Without them, there would be nothing to say to you today, because I would be a cardboard cutout. But call them on the phone, and I meet them for lunch. I show up. I listen. I try to laugh.

I would be rotten, or at best mediocre at my job, if those other things were not true. You cannot be really first rate at your work if your work is all you are.
So here is what I wanted to tell you today:

Get a life. A real life, not a manic pursuit of the next promotion, the bigger paycheck, the larger house. Do you think you'd care so very much about those things if you blew an aneurysm one afternoon, or found a lump in your breast? Get a life in which you notice the smell of salt water pushing itself on a breeze over Seaside Heights, a life in which you stop and watch how a red-tailed hawk circles over the water gap or the way a baby scowls with concentration when she tries to pick up a cheerio with her thumb and first finger.

Get a life in which you are not alone. Find people you love, and who love you. And remember that love is not leisure, it is work. Each time you look at your diploma, remember that you are still a student, still learning how to best treasure your connection to others. Pick up the phone. Send an e-mail. Write a letter. Kiss your Mom. Hug your Dad. Get a life in which you are generous.

Look around at the azaleas in the suburban neighborhood where you grew up; look at a full moon hanging silver in a black, black sky on a cold night.

And realize that life is the best thing ever, and that you have no business taking it for granted. Care so deeply about its goodness that you want to spread it around. Once in a while take money you would have spent on beers and give it to charity. Work in a soup kitchen. Be a big brother or sister.

All of you want to do well. But if you do not do good, too, then doing well will never be enough. It is so easy to waste our lives: our days, our hours, our minutes. It is so easy to take for granted the color of the azaleas, the sheen of the limestone on Fifth Avenue, the color of our kid's eyes, the way the melody in a symphony rises and falls and disappears and rises again. It is so easy to exist instead of live. I learned to live many years ago.

Something really, really bad happened to me, something that changed my life in ways that, if I had my druthers, it would never have been changed at all. And what I learned from it is what, today, seems to be the hardest lesson of all. I learned to love the journey, not the destination. I learned that it is not a dress rehearsal, and that today is the only guarantee you get. I learned to look at all the good in the world and to try to give some of it back because I believed in it completely and utterly. And I tried to do that, in part, by telling others what I had learned. By telling them this:

Consider the lilies of the field. Look at the fuzz on a baby's ear. Read in the backyard with the sun on your face. Learn to be happy. And think of life as a terminal illness because if you do you will live it with joy and passion, as it ought to be lived.

Well, you can learn all those things, out there, if you get a life, a full life, a professional life, yes, but another life, too, a life of love and laughs and a connection to other human beings. Just keep your eyes and ears open. Here you could learn in the classroom. There the classroom is everywhere. The exam comes at the very end. No man ever said on his deathbed I wish I had spent more time at the office. I found one of my best teachers on the boardwalk at Coney Island maybe 15 years ago. It was December, and I was doing a story about how the homeless survive in the winter months.

He and I sat on the edge of the wooden supports, dangling our feet over the side, and he told me about his schedule; panhandling the boulevard when the summer crowds were gone, sleeping in a church when the temperature went below freezing, hiding from the police amidst the Tilt a Whirl and the Cyclone and some of the other seasonal rides. But he told me that most of the time he stayed on the boardwalk, facing the water, just the way we were sitting now even when it got cold and he had to wear his newspapers after he read them.

And I asked him why. Why didn't he go to one of the shelters? Why didn't he check himself into the hospital for detox? And he just stared out at the ocean and said, "Look at the view, young lady. Look at the view."

And every day, in some little way, I try to do what he said. I try to look at the view. And that's the last thing I have to tell you today, words of wisdom from a man with not a dime in his pocket, no place to go, nowhere to be. Look at the view. You'll never be disappointed.

You're Invited

2006-07-28T08:10:00.000-05:00

So, RC and I have decided (well, me more actually....) to host a Housewarming Party. And since we don't have any friends really combined....I just invited the folks from work.

It should be interesting....

Good food, good company, and good drinks....

Hee hee hee....

Because....

2006-07-26T12:50:00.000-05:00

Let's try this: Seven things I would like to do before I die.

1. Travel....to Europe, UK, Islands, all over the US....anywhere...everywhere....I want to be able to say I saw as much of this world as I could.

2. Own a house. And not just any old house, but one that I built from the ground up. I like working with my hands, and I love the concept of being able to do things to my liking.

3. At least see my biological father from a distance. I don't know if I would want to say, "Hey, I'm the daughter you never knew you had...Love me, NOW!"....I don't want to ruin anyone's life, and I think I would be too overwhelmed with it all.

4. Have a farm. I love animals, and I've always have been a little bit country. I want horses, cows, pigs, goats, even chickens. I want the whole nine yards.

5. I want my son to have a wonderful childhood, and adulthood. I want to leave him with enough money to take care of himself, and his own home.

6. I would love to be an english teacher for children that have language barriers. Growing up multilingual is difficult, and english is a difficult language to master.

7. Marry RC, live happily ever after...The end...You know...have a wedding, and a honeymoon. Maybe even another kid? Who knows?! We are perfect together...and I can't imagine my life without him.

Tell me

2006-07-19T06:48:00.000-05:00

This is for The Scheherazade Project: Theme for 7/17-7/30. Enjoy! Oh, and for the other S Project players that check out my "story", please leave all your criticism and thoughts. Thank you!

The light filtered in through a triangular window, slapping all the contents inside of the smokey room with vigorous beams of intensity. The light flickered momentarily. The smoke swam in the enclosed spaces of the room, dancing erotically towards the ceiling and dark corners. Some of it licked the window obsessively as if it were kissing an old lover. The glass did not return the affection. The seductive manner of the smoke agaisnt the bitter window was the ultimate oxymoron of life. The twirls and curls of smoke drifted passed the rays of light, and continued on its lonely dance. I could feel it crawling on my skin, tickling my cheek.

"So, you said you didn't see anything?", She whispered towards me. Her face was covered in shadows. But even through the darkness of the corners in the area, I could feel her unnerving presence. Her inner life shown through the almost dead eyes, and her skin glowed. A droplet trickled down gracefully on her neck. It was the only tender thing in there. The light reflected the sweat into a million shards of light, and as quickly as I saw it, it disappeared from my view.

"Yes," I enunciated. My voice sounded raspy. Feathery and light. I wanted it to sound harsher.

"And you are claiming to not have heard anything at that time, also?", her velvety voice responded. She sighed as she took a long drag of her cigarette. She blew out the smoke, and it caressed every inch of her sleek hair. It made things look that much more surreal. I could feel her eyes prying through every space in my skull. The paint was chipping in one corner as though it were smiling widely at the smokey sunshine.

I cleared my throat. I shifted the hard metal chair. Took a sip of the acrid coffee. I nodded my head instead of saying a word. She questioned me again with her body, pushing herself into me with just her eyes. I could almost feel them analyzing every inch of my body. "Well, I just.....I- uh....I don't know...You know? I don't know how to say it.....I...hmmm....didn't know....About it all....the whole situation, if you will. I just know that.....it-uh- happened.....so.....fast...and then....I'm here....and.....yeah...-uh-", Is that what she was looking for? I wouldn't stumble over my words, or feel that I should be desperate in my case. I wasn't giving her what she wanted. And we both were aware of it. A hand drew up near me. She was pointing the cigarette at me, but not as an offer. She smiled. It was an icy one. Her hand moved in one fluid movement back to the file in front of her. My gaze followed her every shift. I could hear nothing but the inner workings of my body resounding in my ears.

"Okay, what do you want from me? Do you want me to sit here and give you these answers as if I knew them? Or would you like me to sit here and beg for my life? Well, I'm not some pitiful person with a legion of lies waiting to come out when I want them to," was the words that came from me. I could hardly recognize my voice. It was harsh, but not abrassive. I wasn't trying to put her off. I just wanted her to understand what I had gone through. But she didn't.

"I can't believe you actually think I want to hear your feeble lies! I have no idea why I am wasting my time here. I know everything. I....KNOW.....", she hissed back at me. She never raised her voice, but the venomous tone she took with me made my skin crawl. Her eyes flashed from a burning glow, to empty abandonement. I almost burst out laughing nervously. I was questioning myself. This made no sense. She wasn't in charge. My gaze fell upon her creamy skin, the trickle of sweat. The almost cherubic face, it was one so inviting and welcoming....until your eyes arrived to those plunging eyes. I could almost feel the ground giving out from under me and my body tipping over into those pools of hatred.

She laughed as though she had heard my thoughts. It shredded the smoke and the light outside flickered once more. I shuffled in my chair. Not out of anxiousness, but from the uncomfort from feeling violated in the privacy of my thoughts. "I don't know what you want fro-", I was interrrupted by her poisonous voice.

"Oh shut up! Look, I am going to tell you a little story...Let's see if you're intelligent, that means smart, enough to figure it out. Does that sound fair?", she impatiently said. I could feel the anger spewing up inside of me. I clenched my fist and my teeth bit back the raging words. I insisted on being calm, but reassured myself to not give her anymore ammunition. I wanted to protest that I wasn't the one she wanted. But I didn't. I returned her cool gaze. And perked up my ears as if interested in listening.

"One day", she sweetly began," there was a girl. She was beautiful. Envy of all those around her, yet so kind that it was hard to actually hate her. Dancing her way into hearts, laughing her path into life. She was this almost angelic figurine. Beautiful, sweet, kind, caring......", she continued. But I drowned her out. I began to think of how I ended up here. I could see everything clearly. What lead me here? How could I have been so naive? Why did I do those things for him?

Understand one thing when you see me in the courtroom. Don't judge me without hearing me out. I know what love is about. I know what it is. It is always about loss. Loss of hope. Loss of dreams. Loss of self. No matter how you slice it, it always ends up the same. You compromise yourself. Even the person in the same place as you could agree. You do things diffently than you had planned. That's what happened here. I was in that loss. I was being twisted and mangled in the process. Like we all do.

"Please, please....don't....I am sorry....Please! I love you. I LOVE YOU. I'll do whatever you want!!!" That carried me through each day. Through the stares. Through the lonely nights since...well....

Oh, her voice was like maple syrup. She was beautiful. And yeah, I loved her. Loved her until I killed her with my love....and with my hands.

Stupid bitch.

Dearest Big Johnny:

2006-07-17T08:26:00.000-05:00

Hey, buddy! What's up?! I have missed you so much. I hope you have been okay. I heard some bad news today. I was rather awestruck when I was told, and I wish I was there to hold your hand, or tell you thank you for all you have done for me. You are the best person I have met in a long time. You took me in, accepted me as I was. And didn't forget about me when I moved away. You still called me, we still hung out.

We would go out, get drunk, I would puke all over your car (twice) and you still were my friend. When I couldn't buy my son a mattress, you did for me. And gave it to me as a gift, even though my pride stung. You would be completely honest with me. Telling me I was too pretty to be so desperate, and what guys were wrong for me. You took care of me, and made sure I was always okay. You always made me smile, and held me when I cried. You understood my sense of humor, my need for humanness, my sarcastic nature, and my blundering need to get totally obliterated.

You knew I was in pain, but masked it with a numb drunkness. You gave the best hugs, and could dance your ass off. You know about my love for platanitos and Salvadorian sour cream. You love me, even though I am mexican. And you made me laugh, and pointed out my flaws, without remorse. You'd build me up, break me down, and put me back together better than before. Your innate kindness showed me that the world wasn't such a bad place, that I had a right to be pissed. That it was okay for me to not forgive in certain circumstances. And you showed me how to love myself more. I am worth it! (Did that just sound L'oreal-esque?) You are right!

You promised me things, but didn't come through. You brought me things I never asked for, but you knew I needed. You. Just you. How could it be like this now? I was coming to see you, and just like always you slipped out the door faster than I could get to you. I didn't get to say goodbye, or say thank you for all the wonderful memories we have shared.

I am mad at you, for leaving me alone. I thought you would come party with me in Houston one day, and that our kids would play together at Chuck E. Cheese's. Or that you would meet Randy. And tell me that you missed me. And we would hug, and you would make fun of me. And everything would be good. You were the only good friend I have here. My first good friend. And after all the crazy things we did together, after all the times you took me under your wing, and showered me with your knowledge....I have to forgive you. It wasn't your time to go, but you did. And I am so upset!

It's not fair, when there are assholes who rape and murder people who need to go, but live to be old. And here you are. This wonderful kind, big hearted person, and you left. Without saying goodbye, without hugging me one more time, without making me smile, through my runny mascara. I will see you once more, with tears in my eyes, and a sadness in my heart.

As I say goodbye, to the most wonderful man I knew. An outstanding father, a magnificient friend, a competetive soul. I hope you are better now. And in a better place. I hope you are not in pain. And that you can hear me pray for you. I have prayed for the first time in a year. Thank you. Oh, Johnny....my dearest Johnny....I love you. *muah*

-Your friend in life (and maybe one day I will meet you for a kamikaze shot wherever you are)-

Nancy

She said no.

2006-07-12T13:37:00.000-05:00

Saw this in this : The Scheherazade Project: How To Play and thought it was a fantastic idea for those who like stretching their creative muscle. See if you can figure out the theme, after reading.....Thanks!

"No!", she repeated in a firm tone. I hated when she did that. It made me angry inside. Like I could burst at the seams, but I kept my face expressionless. My eyes blank, not presenting the hysteria inside. I struggled to control the very emotions running through me.

I turned away, sighing silently to myself. Feeling the heaviness of my feet as I trudged on forward. I could feel my lips cracking in middle. They were splitting in momentum with my deepest manifestations. The metallic taste of blood rushed in my mouth. I urged my mouth not to spit. I choked back the swallow as I felt the very life of me spilling into my mouth.

I felt her hand on my shoulder. Cold, dead almost as if the inner iciness had frozen her solid, from inside out. I struggled to not look down at the many rings and embellishments on her overly adorned hands. The veins, the rings, the spots were all like a secret playground that only invited itself in short irritated burst to me. I yearned for a warm, comforting touch. For someone like me. For another soul. She squeezed my shoulder, frantically. Spun me around so rigidly, I could feel the fluid spinning in my head. I almost heard the movement of her tongue agaisnt the back of her lips, it reminded me of moth wings on a screen door. Dry rasping out of her jagged mouth, her violent voice demanded adoration that I was unwilling to give.

"I said NO!". A rapid surge of power came from those seemingly fragile hands. I felt the hand ornaments tear my skin. Only the faint aroma of anguish left behind. She would instill it in me, since I would not let it be born of itself. I felt the discharge of blood. It flashed in the light, reflecting from red, to blue, to purple, to black in a single blink. As if synchronized with the blood my emotions went from rage, to heartbreak, to calm, to numbness before the light. The droplets sprayed everywhere. And yet I did not turn my head away this time. A smoldering took over my cheek.

I looked down to my own two hands. I tried to reach the grass below me. To feel the warmth of it. The everlasting life in every blade. A tear swam in my eye, I blinked it back. Inside I was bemusing myself with the beauty of the grass. The warmth of the sun. I felt the rush of warmth on my palm, and before I could extend it, I heard the coarse leather move stealthily in the wind. The whip arrived onto my open palm.

You see, I wasn't always so disobedient. I was once a beautiful performer, my "partner" and I so equal and so disimilar in size and charisma. Our audaciousness, of raw force and dainty grace ridiculed similar acts. I never understood my own worth. Or how I was this special creature. Never before had the world gazed upon a being of my magnitude. I was extraordinary and rare. Something you could fantasize about as a child, but would forget about once you discovered the falseties of being an adult.

I was the world's first. Maybe not the world's last. But I was unusual, and stunningly beautiful. Not only in size, but my fur was exotic. It was the most iridescent azure. It varied from sky to robin's egg blue, extending from head to toe. My skin was a striking navy, contrasting agaisnt my coat. I was larger than any other primate in the world. And I was magnificent!

I had been exhibited around the world. Pictures were taken of my ice blue eyes, and my crooked smile. I could have been the envy of every living primate. Snowflake (the albino gorilla) was no match for me. My trainer was a brusque woman, with a taste for anger and fear of nothing. She probably was the devil herself. She detested me and my so called "spoiled-ness". Abusing me with her whip, and shredding me with her tongue. I was being trained to be angry. To be violent.

I envisioned breaking out one day, lashing out to this fragile creature who kept me in apprehension and captivity. I would tear her flesh open with unembellished hands, and I would not have a whispering anger in my tone. I would have an enormous remarkable voice that would feed terror into those hissing veins of her hand. I would be the very fury to make that cold statue into a living being once more. I would become the ultimate femme fatale.

The Theme

Did you get it?

.stop.

2006-07-11T13:34:00.000-05:00

I can't take it anymore.

MY MIND IS DRIVING ME INSANE.

This is so much harder than I thought.

I let it fall already and it keeps creeping back into the back of my throat. Slithering, warning me of the inner storm. I can't choke it back anymore. I have to cry.

For my losses. For my wins. For my happiness. For my madness.

For being too close, and being too far. For not doing what I wanted with myself, for achieving so much more.

I just need to spew it out. Don't rush me. PLEASE JUST STOP......

Don't tell me that you care for me, when all you want it dirt.

PLEASE.....

Please....

Just let me be......

Happy 1 Year....

2006-07-07T13:45:00.000-05:00

anniversary to TS&HA and I, who have just made the one year mark here in the good ol' unit we work in. I would like to say that last year on July 7th, when I first walked into the building I work in, and met the people I work with now, I was a very different person. I was a timid, skinny, and depressed woman. Someone going through a divorce, who had just left everything she has ever known in Texas. I had taken a risk, found a roomate that I had never known in real life before and moved to Fairfax, VA, with nothing more than a computer, a closetful of shoes and clothes, and 3 albums. I didn't have furniture. I didn't have friends. I now have a beautiful town house. I have awesome furniture. But I still don't have too many friends! I have gone through a shitty year. But I am looking forward to my next anniversary here, because by then, I will hopefully be seperating from the Army, and getting ready to move to Texas (oh, btw RC!)! Oh for those who know TS&HA personally, she tied the knot in Vegas (with someone she knew, previous to the trip), and I hope she doesn't make too many appointments. LCS and Momma Bear have gone to the field, along with my darling DQ. Hurry back soon DQ! So, we can have out slumber party. I would invite everyone, but I don't know too many chicks out here....Eh, what the hell! All the chicks who live in the DC area are welcomed to come! Well, that's it...Have a nice weekend, ya'll....

.Confront your fears.

2006-07-06T08:07:00.000-05:00

Stalk
To dream that you are being stalked, indicates difficulties and problems which you are not confronting. Your avoidance of these problems is not making them go away. If you are being stalked in real life, then this fear may be carried over into your dream state.

Stranger
To see a stranger in your dream, signifies a part of yourself that is repressed and hidden. Alternatively, it symbolizes the archetypal dream helper who is trying to offer some insight and advice.

Fear
To dream that you feel fear, signifies that you achievements will not be as successful as you had anticipated. You are having anxieties in certain circumstances of your life.

Scared
To dream that you are scared, indicates that you are experiencing self-doubt and feelings of incompetence. You may be feeling a lack of control. Anger often masquerades as fear, so also consider issues about which you are angry about in your waking life.

Emptiness
To dream of emptiness, signifies fruitless labor or that something is missing in your life. There is nothing to show for all the effort that you have dedicated to a project or development.

Bathroom
To dream that you are in the bathroom, relates to your instinctual urges. You may be experiencing some burdens/feelings and need to "relieve yourself". Alternatively, it may symbolize purification and self-renewal. You need to cleanse yourself, both emotionally and psychologically.

Bedroom
To dream that you are in the bedroom, signifies aspects of your self that you keep private. It is also indicative of your sexual nature.

House
To dream that your house is broken into, suggests that you are feeling violated. It may refer to a particular relationship or current situation in your life. Alternatively, it indicates that some unconscious material is attempting to make itself known. There are some aspects of yourself that you have denied.

Alone
To dream that you are alone, indicates feelings of rejection. You may be feeling that no one understand you.

Children
To see children in your dream, signifies your own childlike qualities or a retreat back to a childlike state. It is an extension of your inner child during a time of innocence, purity, simplicity, and a carefree attitude. You may be longing for the past and the chance to satisfy repressed desires and unfulfilled hopes. Take some time off and cater to the inner child within. Perhaps there is something that you need to see grow and nurtured.

Intruder
To see an intruder in your dream, represents your feelings of guilt and your self indulgent behavior.

Despair
To dream that you are in despair, signifies that you will have many hardships and experience much cruelties in the working world.

Chase
To dream that you are being chased, signifies that you are avoiding a situation that you do not think is conquerable. It is often a metaphor for some form of insecurity. In particular, to dream that you are chased by an animal, represents your own unexpressed and unacknowledged anger which is being projected onto that animal. Alternatively, you may be running away from a primal urge or fear.

Bathtubs
To see or be in a bathtub in your dream, suggests a need for self-renewal and escape from everyday problems. You need to rid yourself of the burdens that you have been carrying. Alternatively, it indicates your mood for love and pursuit of pleasure and relaxation.

Running
To dream that you are running away from someone, indicates an issue that you are trying to avoid. You are not taking or accepting responsibility for your actions. In particular, if you are running from an attacker or any danger, then it suggests that you are not facing and confronting your fears.

"I'm fuzzy and blue.."

2006-07-05T09:53:00.000-05:00

I can't even begin to put into words how I feel.

It's insecurity. I know, I know. I just get all freaked out about everything. It's me. It's what I do. I'm only human, and you can't possibly expect me to be all confident all the time. It's just not the way shit works.

I don't know what it is, really. I just....feel this throbbing in my heart. It's so painful. Like emotional pain. I see his beautiful smiling face looking back at me from every corner....and I just am filled with this longing, this terrible ache. I feel so empty. So much like an eggshell. I just want it to stop filling in with this aching and desire. To feel him near me. To experience his wonderful kisses, his warm embrace, to be welcomed back into his heart. Does he miss me? Does he think about me? Does he still remember me? Will he want to come back to me?

I just can't accept it. It hurts too much. It stings my heart. It insults my mind. It aches in every inch of my body. I want him back. I don't want to let him go so easily. I'm helpless. I feel like a vacant person. Haunted by his laugh. Coming back home is hard when it is so bare. There are no giggles in the background. No scurrying around upstairs. No movies playing in the background. It's so naked. The room is clean, and blue. The toys in their place, the clothes put away. It's all clandestine. Veiled with a false sense of hope for me. As though, I have lost him in a way that I can't explain. But I haven't and I wont. So many decisions to make in the next year.

Should I go back to Texas as planned once I am done. Should I stay in longer? Will I be able to succeed in the civilian world? Am I too "militarized" now? I just don't know. I can only hope and pray in my mind that things make sense. And that they start falling into place. But they haven't just, yet. Getting away from my XH was a great decision. Will moving back be hurtful? Would it be more beneficial for me? I have no clue. Will RC want to go with me? I know he would be happy to have Specy close by, since that is like his brother. And I wouldn't mind being closer to my family and my dear friends. Yes, I like the distance at times, but I miss the connection. Each time I return home, I feel more and more displaced. Like I don't belong. Like we have outgrown each other.

And that frankly is not a feeling I want to experience. In my culture family is a structurized moving, flowing entity. Different branches working together for a greater good. We all raise our children together, and are constantly caring for the elders in our brood. I can't have that because I am here. So, Gabe doesn't know his cousins, doesn't know his aunts and uncles or his grandparents. That is not what I wanted for my child. I need that emotional support from them. There are just some times when I need comfort from my father or brothers. There are things that they solely will always understand. That no matter how much explanation RC will never fully grasp. It's not his fault. Nor do I blame him for anything going on right now. He has however influenced this influx of emotions. I am so torn. I had my heart set on going back home when I was done with my time here. And now....

Someone threw a damn monkey wrench in my life. I love RC. And I know eventually down the line, in like 5 or 6 years, we'll probably get married or what not. I am so not ready to rush into anything. I know I love him and that he loves me too. It's great. We can talk to each other, we don't argue, we get along with each other's families, and we have made it okay sharing spaces. Maybe when we both feel ready, and completely convinced we'll get married. But I think we both want a long test drive before we actually get all legal and shit. LOL.....Sorry....

So where is it all going? WHO AM I? I don't know. I am still growing, learning, and experiencing life one moment at a time. I am still lost in my head, I have no real direction. All I know is that I want to be happy. And I want Gabe to be happy as well. Will they happen all the time? I know they wont, I mean I am still a realist. Will RC and I work out? WHO KNOWS? All I know is that I will try and put in the effort to make this work out. And if that isn't enough, then I guess it will be time to move on. But I am happy with him. I just wish I knes more about the actual place where I will end up, ya know? Like, will I end up staying here in Maryland....or will I finally make a break for it and get back to Texas? I just don't know.....

"I'm fuzzy and blue
You see I'm fuzzy and blue
Yeah, me I'm happy to be
So fuzzy and blue "

Grover

15 days.....

2006-06-25T18:38:00.000-05:00

Is all it took. I am amazed. My XH succeeded where I have miserably failed. He has motivated Gabe enough to be potty trained in 15 days. I had tried but decided not to push him too much. Not to make him feel inadequate in any way for not being interested.

I have missed him terribly. And he has had 2 trips to seaworld, an afternoon bike ride almost everyday, endless popsicles, and gotten to hang out with his daddy. Who has a big house. With a big backyard. For him to run around in. Now don't get me wrong! RC and I have a pretty nice house, considering the area, and our pay bracket. But I don't have a half acre lot, or a beautiful house built just how I wanted it. No, I am renting away a place, that I do love, but I will never own. It pisses me off. Not in a "I wish you were worse off than me, and miserable!" kind of way, but in "You so don't deserve that!" kind of way. He gets the best time of the year with Gabe, albeit the hottest, and he gets to look like the cool parent, because he isn't here for 8 months out of the year to play mommy and daddy.

If Gabe comes back looking raggedy, or acting like a fool...I think I will have to rethink joint conservatorship. I just...have so much on my mind. I don't know where to put it all. I am internally stressing out about so much. I can't seem to concentrate. Like right now I need to be doing my SOPs and my studying for my LAT exam. I mean, that could be a real opportunity there. I could get me LATG and get a great job, starting with even better pay than what I thought. Not bad for someone with no college degree, just "vocational and on the job training" and hands on experience.

I just...blah! I don't know where to begin with how I feel. I am pissed off. I guess at circumstances. For not being brave enough. For not being more ruthless. For not being what I want to be. For giving up on myself without a fight! I need to do something! Stop sitting here being all pitiful like something or someone will come along to help me out. Ugh! I don't know what this post is really about. Maybe I am just mad at my decision making. Mad at the fact that I give up so easily. That I claim to be stubborn, but in fact am nothing more than just a pushover. I have always been this way. Probably always will. I want to stand up for myself. But without causing a riot. I want to believe in myself but without sacrificing anything. That's the most upsetting part. I know I am getting screwed and in most settings I am the first one to say "Fuck You!" But I can't here. Because my child is entangled in it all. I don't want him to think he is the cause of all the ruckus. But he is. And I am. And his father. Why? Because we want different things for him. I want a certain childhood. Full of love, laughter, and a sense of family belonging. A place for him to smile about because the warmth of those memories fill his heart. Not a place where he is being shuffled between two homes, each one broken in it's own way.

Did I want the divorce? YES. Why? Because I weighed my options. MARRIED: I was the epitome of unhappy, alchoholic wife/bitch who pretended to love all his friends and kept the house immaculate and spent countless hours cooking while maintaining an appearance of perfection to everyone around us. I would have killed myself had my son not been the only thing that made me happy. Or DIVORCED: Struggle for awhile until my finances got back in order, try to raise a boy on my own most of the year, while living 1800 miles away from my closest relatives, find someone eventually who understood me and loved me for me and not what they wanted me to pretend to be. So, I went with divorced. Yes, it's been a hell of a trip. (Thank goodness ya'll weren't here for that!) Maybe someday I will post some of my journal entries from back then....Eh, maybe not!

I just..I don't know. I am tired of feeling so guilty. So torn. So tired of it all. I am impatient, selfish, and just not good at it. I am trying to do the things I said I would. To better myself. For my child. For RC. I don't know if we'll work out. I can just say that I will keep trying. And I hope that we do. He makes me happy. Yes, we get on each other's nerves. And yes, we get cranky and take it out on each other. But I know each night before I drift off to sleep that he loves me. And that I love him. And there is nothing more beautiful than that. Just like I know that I will always love me son no matter what happens. And I just hope I am as deserving of both of their love as they are of mine. I'm not perfect. And neither are they. Or anyone else for that matter. I am human. I feel, I bleed, I do all the things that you do (well, except for that...Specy....)....and I just want to say that I am going through a rough patch in my life right now. I am not at all well. I want certain things and I feel certain things that aren't meant to be. Everything will work out the way it needs to.

And with that....I love you, my baby boy. Momma's so proud of you!

A picture story....

2006-06-20T06:55:00.000-05:00

Well, for those who don't know RC, Gabe and I decided to go back to my home state of the big, wonderful, and beautiful Texas. I sure did miss all the good food.

Texas... Born & Raised!

Abuelita & Gabe

Turtle, Turtle!

"Just keep swimming!"

Do the monkey!

I'll post the rest later. I just thought I would give ya'll a preview of my trip....Enjoy!

-Me

"See you later"

2006-06-09T15:56:00.000-05:00

That is it. No more.

Until October. Till I see your shinning face again. Hear your tender sweet nothings in my ear. Till I can feel your warm embrace. Till I can experience your loving affection.

I sit here yearning.

Burning for you. I will continue to simmer. I will continue to love from a distance. The shadow behind you. The blanket to caress you at night. I will be your comfort. You happiness and joy. Just as you are mine.

Tomorrow, I leave you. Not behind. But just here.

Without truly knowing if you'll understand. If you'll forgive me. Will it all wash away when you see me again. Will you miss my smell, my smile, my voice, my touch? Will you miss how I look at you? Will you miss me laughing with you? Will you miss my impatience? My anger?

As I lay in bed, not being able to sleep, I wonder how you are. I wonder what you doing, or thinking. Who will receive your affection? Who is there to embrace you throughout the day? Who will kiss your eyes each night, and whisper in your ear? Who will have a secret for you when you want one? Who will have a surprise for you when you get home?

Not me. NOT ME.

Do you understand? Maybe not. You probably resent me. I have seen your hot tears falling when you see me turn away.

I bite my tongue, my cheek, my lip. I don't want to go. But I have to.

Our time is done. You are not mine anymore. I will always belong to you, but you are no longer binded to me. You are no longer dependent of me. You have entered another stage in your life where you are better off like this.

Tonight will be the most difficult of every other night. I will see you again. With my painted on smile, my pained eyes, my lonely hands, my empty arms. I want you there. With me.

But no!

It wont be me. It's not ME.

I love you. And I always will.

I will yearn for you and everything you do. The way you know how to get on my nerves. The way you dance without rhythm. Without beat. But with so much heart that it flows out of you. I will miss your beautiful eyes looking at me. Your hot tears on my cheek. Your selfish embrace. Your everything. Demands and pleas. All the attention you wanted. I will miss it.

I hope it is easier for you. Because I feel like I have just died a little bit inside.

I will always keep dying when you leave. Forever.

You were mine. I love you.

How can I just turn around, walk away when I can so clearly see you don't understand. How can I make you understand that I made this decision with your best interest in mind? How I can explain it to you in terms that wont mislead you? I love you. LOVE YOU. It aches me to know you aren't near to me. To not be able to just walk over and see you.

No.

I will be far away. But please know that I will leave you my heart.

Heal Over

2006-05-31T07:11:00.000-05:00

It isn't very difficult to see why
You are the way you are
Doesn't take a genius to realise
That sometimes life is hard

It's gonna take time
But you'll just have to wait
You're gonna be fine

But in the meantime
Come over here lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer baby
Coz you'll heal over
Heal over
Heal over someday

And I don't wanna hear you tell yourself
That these feelings are in the past
You know it doesn't mean they're off the shelf
Because pain's built to last
Everybody sails alone
But we can travel side by side

Even if you fail
You know that no one really minds
Come over here lady

Don't hold on but don't let go
I know it's so hard
You've got to try to trust yourself
I know it's so hard, so hard

Come over here lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer baby
Coz you'll heal over, heal over, heal over someday

This song is how I feel at the present moment. Enjoy. See ya'll when I get back.

uh oh.......BIG time.....

2006-05-22T09:05:00.000-05:00

Uhm.....

I lost it.

BIG TIME.

I'm so sorry, Randy.

Please, forgive me!

I lost the diamond off of my ring. Yes, the shiny sparkly pretty heart off of my Valentine's gift, has been lost. I searched frantically through the dirt and dust and dead spiders at the gym. I looked on the carpet, and on the stairs. On the gravel where I parked. Everywhere. I couldn't believe it. I called RC to let him know I lost the diamond. I called my insurance and they'll cover it without me paying a deductable, but still. That was the one he picked out for me. I doubt they'll replace it. But maybe they'll give me money for it, so that we can replace it. I don't know how claims work or what I have to do exactly. I just asked, and they said as long as we have the receipt and the paper stuff on it, I can put in a claim. Which is good! But I still feel awful.

I was supposed to meet up TG and her blogger friends, but Gabe wanted to act like a bad ass on Saturday and pissed me off. I hate changing my plans for him, but I refuse to have a kid act like a fool in public. Especially in front of people who have never met me. I know 3 year olds will act well.....like 3 year olds. But my son is usually pretty well behaved. But he had been getting on my nerves all day. And not to put them off, but I had a lot of stuff to get done.

We are almost (and I will use almost very, very loosely) done unpacking and putting our massive amounts of stuff away. And on Wednesday we'll get our stuff for our bedroom. So, I am really happy that we got nice stuff. Hopefully everything comes in good condition and that we get everything in.

Letter Game

2006-05-17T13:55:00.000-05:00

This is how it works: Comment on this entry and I will give you a letter. Write ten words beginning with that letter in your journal, including an explanation of what the word means to you and why, and then pass out letters to those who want to play along.

My letter is "U"...so here I go!

Uniform: I wear a uniform. Do I wear it proudly? Probably not. But anyway I just thought I would start with that. I mean after all, that is why I came into the Army. It was all because of the damn green uniform!
Uterus: Carrier of life. The magical place inside of me that carries beautiful children like my son. Without this I wouldn't have been able to have my rowdy boy! I have one, guys don't. Enough said.
Unconditional: The type of love I want and give to those around me. I want to be able to live this life knowing I at least gave everyone around unconditional love. Why? Because we all deserve it. It is the type of love that binds parents and children. It is the love that I get from RC.
Unfinished: I feel like this most of the time. I feel like I have paused my life while still living it. I know I have a very high potential to be something wonderful someday, I am just not there yet. I am nowhere near being done. I am still in the crock pot of life, cooking away to a end up a tasty meal that even Nicole Ritchie can refuse. Hee hee hee......
Uncle: My Tio Gustavo. He is by far my absolute most favorite uncle. He helped my mother when I was just a baby and she first immigrated to Texas. He has always been like a doting father to me, and has my upmost respect for being a hardworking citizen and for teaching me the value of family.
Ugly: Because I am. And I feel like it today. So yeah, fuck you.
United States (of America!): It's my home. And it's the place where I will always want to be. Yes, the politics are fucked up. Yes, there are so many things backwards in this country. But damn it, I am so proud to be an American and to be able to say I served in this country's Army. I may not agree with a lot of the crazy people out there, but it's a wonderful place. Where we have that right to voice our opinions.
Uncertain: I am uncertain about a lot of things. Who I will be. Where I will be. What I want to do when I get there. Who I will be with (hopefully RC!). If I will end up being a good mother. If I will stay in the Army. If I will get out. If I will go to school. So much up in the air about my life, right now.
Ulcer: Because I will eventually get one from worrying about all my ugliness, my uncertainty, and my unfinishedness. Damn it!
Uncluttered: I hate clutter. But it's taking over my life. Once I get my house in order I will have my beautiful uncluttered life. Well, maybe not so much. After all there is beauty in chaos.
Uggs: Yes, I am the (not so) proud owner of some these. I fell for the trend 2 years ago, and I still have them. I can't bring myself to throw them out. Why?? Because they cost me over $200, and I refuse to throw anything that expesive out. Oh yeah, and they're so damn comfortable!

So there! I finished it! I didn't think it was possible. But I managed to do it. U is a hard letter. I promise to be nicer with ya'll.

Me.

2006-05-12T08:40:00.000-05:00

I haven't been writing as often for so many different reasons. I am just tired. Of everything it seems like that. I think I have begun what seems like a small depression. We are moving. Everything is not going as planned. I still haven't packed up my apartment. I still haven't finished painting the new place. I am not ready to hand over my son. I am not ready to be 23. I am not in any way ready for a summer that is childless, and full of me time. Yes, I want a break. But not such a long coma from my son. I want to wake up and see his smile everyday. I am already getting teary eyed thinking about it.

Who will demand kisses and hugs on instant? Who will want me to read bedtime stories to him? Who will climb all over me when I just want to lay there? Who will argue back with me with, "But, I love you, Mommy!!"? Who will poop in his diaper and stink up the new place? Who will make me suffer through more child movies? I can answer this. Certainly not Gabe. He will be with my XH in Texas and I will be here. In Maryland. 1600 miles away.

My birthday is next Tuesday. I am upset about it. I didn't think that I would feel like this. I am so much more worn down at my mere 23 than I think most 30 year olds are. I feel wise beyond my years. I think back to my 18th birthday. And to each one after that. I have spent the last 4 birthdays with the same person. My XH. He never made a spectacle of my birthday. It was a reason for him to give me jewelry I wouldn't wear, and take me to restaurants I didn't like. I was the perfect trophy wife. I would abide his every wish. And now, for the first time in four years, I think I will actually miss having someone else tell me how to spend MY birthday. Or what I really wanted on MY birthday.

I don't want gifts or expensive meals. I don't want breakfast in bed. I just want my new house to be all organized, cleaned (painted!), and moved into. I want to spend time with my son. I want to just sleep. I want to just be happy. Why is it so difficult to me? I know that with my birthday, soon enough my son will be reunited with the XH. And with that will come teary phone calls. Depression. And a feeling of uselessness. Of not being worth something.

I haven't decided if I want to do school or find a second job. I will kinda support my XH when Gabe is with him. Since he got screwed on paper work, and some other stuff he asked if I could send him some extra cash. I didn't hesitate as I promised to send him some extra money. Can I afford it, why yes I can. Do I want to. Hell no. My extra money a month goes in savings. For OUR son. So he can have a little nugget when he grows up. I would love to commit to both the job and school. But we have a lot of stuff going on at work, and frankly when I get off I am basically worthless because I am so tired.

This post is just about everything that has been jumbled up in my head. I have a UTI. It is not fun. I feel awful, and I haven been taking out on everyone. I have displaced my anger towards everyone and put it on them. They are not the reason I am mad. Well, not completely. I am mad at myself. For being so selfish. For wanting to be something I shall never be. I hate that I am so jealous. That I am envious of others. I should be happy with myself, but I am not. I don't see the things that RC sees. I feel so.........ugly. Like the anger inside of me has transcended outwardly. Making me disfigured.

Eh, I don't know where I was going with that. I wish I could still write. You know entertaining things. But I can't find the right words. I don't feel it. It feels more like a chore. I am becoming more of a reclusive person. I have yet to make a good circle of friends. And since I don't like burdening people with my issues, I find it difficult for people to find me relatable. Or to feel that they can trust me.

I am weird. And I am sarcastic. I am in the words of my father, too modest and humble. Some people are intimidated by that. I know what I know. I know who I am. I am years apart from the invincible teenager with a craving for expensive drugs, loads of alchohol, and a hearty appetite for self-destruction. I am now a mommy to Gabe. A girlfriend/roommate to RC. I am the one who makes empty threats. The one who gets overwhelmed at most things. The one who over stresses and over analyzes just about everything. The one who would never get to realize her dreams. The one who recognizes her faults and flaws and points them out on a daily basis. I am tiresome. Whimsically drunk on motherhood, my "career", and on love. And best of all I am the eternal perfectionist.

Who can find these things endearing? Who can accept me with everything that I do wrong? Who can just overlook that I am not made in God's image but in my mother's? I am not a fallen angel, just a lost soul looking to be reunited with my loved ones. I write too often in my journal about how I am failing even my son. I leaf through the crinkled pages. The anger, frustration, and heartache written in each word, each curve of the ink spelling out my mania. Describing my depressions. Reading that you'd think I was this very angry, very sheltered housewife. Who didn't know how to love themselves. Who doesn't know how to be happy.

Well, I just wanted to get all this crap out of my head and out of my heart.

Have a nice weekend. I will come back on Wednesday with details from 30 Seconds to Mars and the rest of the moving process.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-04-28T08:05:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday to you!

Happy birthday to yooooou.....

Happy Birthday, dear Gabriel.........

Happy birthday to youuuuuuu!

PS....Here's a funny link...I think it is a joke.....enjoy!

How to be a Good Christian Wife

Oh, snap......I almost forgot!

2006-04-24T12:44:00.000-05:00

Randy with his cool goggles .

How are you?

2006-04-24T09:45:00.000-05:00

I hate when people ask me this. For many reasons. It's only a polite question. Not directed to actually try to figure out how you are doing, in reality. I'm not fine. But I always answer with a polite "I'm fine." To be honest, I feel quite unfullfilled. I feel like I haven't accomplished much. Yes, I have a child. And I am raising him. But as far as cultivating any type of solid future for myself, I have only achieved the title of "housewife". And nothing much. I am "perfect" marrying material as my family has put it. I know how to keep house and how to cook. I can raise a child, and work full time. I shut my mouth, and I am willing to be a "lady in the streets", while maitaining a "freak in the sheets" attitude about sex. But that is what I had never wanted for myself. I wanted to amount to more than my mother was. But as I look back I am on the same track she was on at my age.

So, upon realizing that I haven't done much to really enrich myself, I figured this summer instead of moping in depression and drinking myself into oblivion, I would actually get out and give back to the local community. I wanted to do volunteer work at the DC Rape Crisis Center. But the training is 8 weeks long and starts in May. I would miss at least a couple weeks of training, since I have to go back to Texas in June. And the commitment is a year long, where you work at least 4 days a month, 2 days on the 24 hour hotline, and 2 days with their advocacy groups. I know I want to do something like this. It's something that is very near to my heart. It is nothing that any woman should ever experience. I was never brutalized like some people I have known, but I was nonetheless degraded. I don't know if I can talk about it just yet. Maybe eventually with time, and the right encouragement. But I do want to help people.

Anyone who knows me and knows what I do, would probably say I should do work with animals. Back in Texas I tried to volunteer at a local dog rescue. It's sort of a way of having pets without having them. And it would be good for me to do, as far as a job experience and getting my name out to a different field than what I am in. I would love to do rescue work! It's a good cause, and you're helping the ones who can't help themselves. There are so many opportunities just waiting to be seized. Maybe I will volunteer for more than just one thing. Maybe I will find a way to do the Rape Center thing without having to miss the training. And I could have time to do the dog rescue, if I can find one around the area!

I plan on taking online classes. I will be 23. I have no college education. Yes, I know I am a dumbass for not having gone to college before I had my child, but since I can't change the choices that I have made and I wouldn't change them if I could. I just feel like I haven't done enough with my life. I haven't guaranteed a secure future for myself, much less my son. I have been living an existential life. Taking everything a day at a time. I know where I work. I know I will go home. I know I will do the same thing tomorrow. I want to know that I will have this until I am ready to retire. Not exactly where I am at right now, but a job, the benefits, the opportunity to grow, and just the overall security that I can take care of myself. But I also want to help people. Why? It's just always been in my nature to want to be someone in the community. The person who can help. It's me! Some of ya'll are probably puking or gagging, but I like the way I feel when I volunteer to help others. I feel at peace, fullfilled, and joyous. Thankful for my meager blessings. I am a very lucky person to be able to still have compassion for people and their different situations.

So, maybe this summer I will be busy motivating RC to attend school. And doing some good volunteer work. I can't wait! I just hope that Gabe is happy to go with his daddy for a little bit. I want him to have fun, and to make great memories with his father. They both deserve it! Ya'll have a great week!

Dedicated to RC.....A lot of Nothingness

2006-04-20T14:39:00.000-05:00

-Lightning strikes about 6,000 times per minute on this planet!
-A chameleon's tongue is twice the length of its body.
-A chimpanzee can learn to recognize itself in a mirror, but monkeys can't.
-A rat can last longer without water than a camel can.
-About 10% of the world's population is left-handed.
-A typical bed usually houses over 6 billion dust mites.
-A person afflicted with hexadectylism has six fingers or six toes on one or both hands and feet
-A woodpecker can peck twenty times a second.
-A zebra is white with black stripes.
- Porpoises and dolphins communicate with each other by squeaking, growling, moaning, and whistling. Porpoises and dolphins are mammals. There are about 40 species or kinds of porpoises and dolphins. Most porpoises and dolphins navigate by using "echolocation". The largest member of the dolphin family is called an orca or killer whale.
- The hippopotamus gives birth under water and nurses its young in the river as well, though the young hippos do come up periodically for air.
-A cow gives nearly 200,000 glasses of milk in her lifetimeThe world's largest mammal, the blue whale, weighs 50 tons at birth. Fully grown, it weighs as much as 150 tons.The world's largest rodent is the Capybara. An Amazon water hog that looks like a guinea pig, it can weigh more than 100 pounds.The world's smallest mammal is the bumblebee bat of Thailand, weighing less than a penny.
- How the wind blows. As the sun warms the earths surface, the atmosphere warms too. Some parts of the earth receive direct rays from the sun all year and are always warm. Other places receive indirect rays, so the climate is colder. Warm air, which weighs less than cool air, rises. Then cool air moves in and replaces the rising warm air. This movement of air is what makes the wind blow.
- Dolphins sleep with one eye open!
-Why do we might feel warmer wearing a dark-colored jacket than a light-colored one? . Dark colors absorb light energy. Light colors and white reflect light energy. When light shines on your dark jacket, the jacket fabric absorbs light energy. The absorbed light energy causes electrons in the atoms of the jacket to vibrate. This activity releases heat energy, which makes the jacketand youwarmer. That's why we like to wear more dark colors in winter and more light colors in summer.
-While sleeping, one man in eight snores, and one in ten grinds his teeth.
-At 188 decibels, the whistle of the blue whale is the loudest sound produced by any animal.
-A flute made of bone is the oldest playable musical instrument in the world. Its a flute carved from a birds wing bone more than 9,000 years ago. The flute was discovered with other flutes at an ancient burial site in China.
- The fastest dog, the greyhound, can reach speeds of upto 41.7 miles per hour. The breed was known to exist in ancient Egypt 6,000 years ago
- Glue dates back to prehistoric times. Artists once mixed colorings with raw eggs, dried blood, and plant juices to make sticky paints for cave murals. Later, ancient Egyptians and other people learned to make stronger glues by boiling animal bones and hides. Today companies make glues using synthetic substances.
-A cat sees about six times better than a human at night because of the tapetum lucidum , a layer of extra reflecting cells which absorb light.
-A cat uses whiskers to determine if a space is too small to squeeze through. The whiskers act as antennae, helping the animal to judge the precise width of any passage.
-A cat will clean itself with paw and tongue after a dangerous experience or when it has fought with another cat. This is an attempt by the animal to soothe its nerves by doing something natural and instinctive.
-The grizzly bear can run as fast as the average horse!!
- The female lion does more than 90% of the hunting while the male simply prefers to rest. !!
- A jellyfish is 95 percent water!- At birth, a panda is smaller than a mouse and weighs about four ounces.
-Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails!
-You blink over 10,000,000 times a year!
- Of all the words in the English language, the word ' set ' has the most definitions!
- The sun is 330,330 times larger than the earth!
- Dogs and cats, like humans, are either right or left handed... or is that paws?!
- A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue!
- A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
-A cat's jaws cannot move sideways.
-More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes.
- "Go." is the shortest complete sentence in the English languageThe vocabulary of the average person consists of 5,000 to 6,000 words.
- No word in the English language rhymes with "month".
- An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
-An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
-The average person laughs about 15 times a day.
-The average person walks the equivalent of twice around the world in a lifetime.
-All polar bears are left handed.
-Ants don't sleep.
-The word "racecar", "kayak", and "radar" are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.
-"a man a plan a canal panama" spelled backwards is still "a man a plan a canal panama"

Tarot: My Future!

2006-04-20T12:15:00.000-05:00

You ask a question, and you get answers......according to cards!

How you feel about yourself now (The Sun):

You are feeling abundant happy and joyful - if you don’t, be assured that you are about to enter a period of success and fulfillment. This is a time of pleasure, vitality and good health, travel and holidays to be enjoyed. Good news around children or the conception or birth of a longed-for baby. The Sun heralds an ending to difficulties and a time to celebrate with friends and loved ones.

Hmmm, not so much...Been feeling really crappy....and been pretty depressed.

What you most want at this moment (Wheel Of Fortune):

The cards suggest Nancy, that what you most want at this time is a turning point in your life and positive change - well expect it now. Life will go up a gear or two and events will accelerate forward. Destiny is at play here - have you noticed a number of events that seem rather a coincidence? This is synchronicity, trust it and go with the flow.

I would agree with that, since I am moving in with RC and it's a pretty big step for me! And I am going to drop off my beautiful Rowdy Boy in Texas with XH.

Your fears (The Chariot):

The word failure isn’t in your vocabulary. You are worried things are more of a struggle than you expected, with more delays and frustrations. Things aren’t going to plan at all, just chill out, calm that mind of yours and you’ll find the strength to battle on until you succeed. This is a period of movement and change and conflicts ending in victory.

The word failure does happen to be in my vocabulary. But I do worry more about things being more difficult than not actually achieving them. It's my biggest fear!

What is going for you (The Hermit):

You are instinctively taking time to relax and reflect, drawing on your inner strength and wisdom to guide you through these difficult times. Time is a great healer, so if you don’t know quite what to do now in time you will. The Hermit signals a warning not to make hasty decisions, and if you have been unwell this is a time for rest and recuperation.

I have been sick. And I have had a lot of other medical problems. I do need to take a break. But then again, I can sleep when I'm dead.

What is going against you (The World):

As always, fear holds us back and so often leads to missed opportunities. Do not give up or change direction this late in the game just because you have experienced delays - stick with it, have faith and trust the universe, and you will reach the successful conclusion you are wanting.

I have been questioning a lot of things I was sure about. But that is life. It is full of uncertainties, broken promises, and empty hearts. I just hope that at the end of the battle I can look back fondly and reminisce about the good and the bad.

Outcome (Temperance):

A period of peace and harmony, life will flow and you will find a way of handling any difficult circumstances with calm confidence. This is also a time for patience, so if you are not sure quite what decision to make about any key issue, take your time you’ll know what to do when the time is right.

I am craving peace and harmony. But it's something that comes unexpectedly. I will continue to be patient. And I am glad that even the cards can see I suck at making decisions!

I would post my question, but I am sort of at a lack for words on how to word it exactly. I just asked what I was feeling in my heart. I hope things do work out. That it works out how it should. I am worried about a lot of things going on. I try not to stress but I do. I hate that about myself. I haven't written on here for a while, but I have been writing in my journal. I can be more direct. More blunt. I seem to have forgotten how therapeutic it can be to just write the words out of my head. My thoughts are a jumbled mess. Just like my life at the current moment. I am scared to start my new life. I am tired and I feel like a mess. Everything around me is a mess. But it's hard to feel excited about the things that will happen in my life within the next couple of months. I will be dropping my son off with the XH. I will be childless again for four months. Hopefully, I will be motivated this time to start school. To get my accreditation done. Maybe get a second job. I don't know. Ugh, it's almost Friday! Hooray for Friday!

Tag you're it!

2006-04-12T08:29:00.000-05:00

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18 and find line 4.
"generally resolve with chronic administration in conjunction with monitoring and dosaging adjustments."- Veterinary Drug Handbook

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can, what do you find?
The other side of my desk?

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
Spongebob Squarepants

4. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
The air vents

5. When did you last step outside?
Like 3 hours ago

6. Before you started this survey, what did you look at
Work stuff. Request forms, order information

7. What are you wearing?
Scrubs, and my steel toe boots

8. Did you dream last night?
Yup....hee hee hee, wont ever tell!

9. When did you last laugh?
Hmm.....yesterday, maybe?

10. What is on the walls of the room you are in?Cubicle stuff....memo boards

11. Seen anything weird lately?
Polkadot outfit lady at the gas station yesterday

12. What do you think of this quiz?
Hmm....whatever?

13. What is the last film you saw?
Chicken Little last night, last "adult" movie....I think it was Brokeback Mountain

14. If you turned a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
House for my dad, house for my sister, house for my brother, and a house for Gabe

15. Tell me something about you that I don't know.
I secretly hate everyone.

16. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt and politics, what would you do?
I would have to say that I would diminish poverty. My family in Mexico lives in poverty, and I hate how wasteful this country is. I would definitely have to say put more funding into medical research in order to find the cure for cancer, and for HIV/AIDS.

17. Do you like to dance?
Of course, I'm a dancing fool!

18. George Bush.
Commander-in-Chief

19. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
I had planned on Alycia Daniella but now...I always liked the name Griselda Marisol or Natalia Gail ( I love that name!)

20. Imagine your first child is a boy, what would you call him?
Uhm, Gabriel Xavier....like my kiddo...but if I had another one....Hmm....depends on the father's name and his opinion...but I love the name Alexander

21. Would you ever consider living abroad?
In a heartbeat (as long as Gabe & RC were with me!), even if I didn't know the language, I would be able to experience new things

22. What would you want God to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?
I've missed you! (plus a big hug!)

23. 4 people who must also do this meme.
Eh, if they wanna....not one to make anyone do anything they don't want to do......Happy Humpday!

Ouch

2006-04-11T13:46:00.000-05:00

I am in so much pain right now. And I can't take anything but motrin since I have to drive all the way home. And the codeine I have totally makes me retarded. Someone just punch me in the uterus, already!!! This year shall be known as the year of the hurt kooter. And to think that in like 5 more months I can go through all this again!

YAY!

(not)

I hope everyone else is doing well! Have a nice week. And a nice Easter if I don't get a chance to blog......

Maybe tomorrow, I'll find my way home.....

2006-04-06T14:33:00.000-05:00

This has been a draft for awhile. Enjoy!

My mother. What can I say. I never thought I would this personal on here, but this is somehow therapeutic. There is some sort of anonymous freedom granted when writting on here, as opposed to having to look at someone in the eyes and explain all this. But here goes. I just can't begin to describe her. She is just such a character. I think we all have that one family member in our families that is just an embarassment. You know who I mean. That person who just can make your life hell when you are growing up and takes you back no matter how old you are. That person has always been my mother. She just has this personality. It's like a magnet. But a bad one. Not real. She's the single most superficial person I have ever met. She is all about exterior, non-meaningful, material crap. AND that's all it is to me now. I was a little carbon copy of her, made her damn proud I am sure. Old habits die hard. She calls me from time to time. It's odd. I wont answer. Out of fear. From myself? From her. From how I get when she talks to me. Everything becomes a big, blurry mess in my head. She has that effect. She can do that. AMAZING, I know. But she can. She has this invisible chain that she tugs at will, like I'm her damn dog on a leash. She knows what buttons to push. How to break me down to nothing with a single sentence. I have suffered through a couple "mental disorders", all thanks to my mother. I still do, no one ever recovers fully. There's no drug I can take to delete her voice out of my head. No pill I can swallow to erase those memories. No where to run and hide from my mind. I can't leave it. No matter how I try. What I accomplished is mirred by her desolate tone in my head. Everything I have done, resonates her capacity to make me feel like I am worth nothing. She is the only person who can do that to me. I am a failure in her eyes. Always have been. But I'm not really. I wonder what life would have been like if she were different. Or even if I were different. But I can't even begin to understand that concept. Because what I have lived is all I know. I am still isolating myself from people. I keep my distance. I keep my heart neatly tucked away. Because if I don't then I will break down. Again. And that wouldn't be good. I married someone who was so much like my mother, you'd think I was this handicapped person who was addicted to that emotional abusive relationship I had with my mother. I did not realize that it was abusive. Till now. I know better. I could never hurt my son, like she hurt me. Maybe I am a failure. Who knows? I know I will never measure up to her standards. I can not be perfect. Even if I do try my damned best to be. But I can't be perfect. I never will be either. I'm not thin enough, educated enough, pretty enough, and I am not at all good at keeping relationships. I have failed in the one place where I thought I could beat her. Marriage. She quit on that, and I thought I could make it work. Prove her wrong for once. But I failed at that, too. I don't know what else to say about her. Except that I hope to never be like her. Even though each day, I am more like her. Yet, I have not begun to understand anything about her. Why she was how she was. Why she was so selfish. Why did we not make her happy? I have no clue. I have resented my choice to keep my child. Believe me....It's true. I hate to admit it. But had I not gotten pregnant and experienced what I have, I wouldn't be able to at least have her respect. She probably has none for me now, granted she has gotten served with the lawsuit (blah blah blah!)....but I think she did for awhile. And she had that coming to her. A cocked gun can't stay loaded forever. There is only so much that I am willing to accept and that was the last straw.
I try and I try to be "normal" but what is normal to begin with? I don't know what it means or how to get there anymore. Is there really an expectation of people for us to be normal? Why can't I just settle for unique or unordinary?All I have been in my life is this pretty shell, empty on the inside with nothing to really fill up all the space enclosed, by that shell. So much like the eggs I would smash open. Full of light confetti. That is me. I am just full of meaningless memories. Tear stained paper confetti. Smash my shell, mother. Please do.

Ha ha...

2006-04-06T14:25:00.000-05:00

BACK THAT THING ON UP

Seen this morning on a dirty truck.

Awesome!

"Ama"

2006-04-05T09:31:00.000-05:00

That's what I called you. But no more.

How come I try to purge you and your memories, but I can't? You're like a bad sequel to a horror movie. I can't kill you off! You keep coming back. And back. And back.

I want to forget you. I want to not be like you. But each day that we grow further apart, and I further disrespect you, I turn into you more and more.

This scares me. I see your reflection in the mirror. I hear your voice when I speak. I try to be different from you. But I laugh like you. I smile like you. I cry like you, with my fists on my face, hot tears streaming from my eyes In the dark, alone in the bathroom so no one will hear. I speak like you. It's as though your vocal cords where in place of mine. Your cold empty eyes stare back at me, when I look into the mirror. I try to turn away. I paint my face to disguise our likeness. But I end up looking like you. I dyed my hair black to be distanced from you. I cut it short. I do all the things you hate that I do. I have tattoos. I don't wear dresses or heels.

I am trying so hard to be different from your unapproachable nature, that I have forgotten who I was. I still can hear you whisper in my ear. I can still remember your hugs, so unaffected and distant. Your facade of being such a wonderful person. Your lies tumbling from your mouth. Your dysfunctional way of loving. How you always said you wish I were dead.

Well, I almost am. Where are you now? I live so far away from you. And I still can't cut that spiritual umbillical cord that binds us. I can't seperate our souls. I owe you nothing, and yet you still becon me. Constantly. You haunt my dreams. Your face dances in the sea of unrecognizable places.

"Ama, te quiero. Voy a tratar de ser mejor."

Why did I always try so hard to make you see that I was worthy of your love?

"Mis ojos."

I never was. Never will be. I am not like you. But I am you. I remember your hard fist on my face. Your hot slaps on my cheek, if I so much as sighed wrong. The glass crashing on my head. The broom stick hitting my back. I never could look you in the eyes. I feared you. Yet, I always wanted to be like you. I watched you. Emulated your every sway and breath. And now, I am trying to forget all those ghostly things. I try to act as though you are dead. I am orphaned.

I remember your perfumes. Your make-up. Your soaps and lotions. And your marvelous clothes. Your 500 pairs of shoes. Your jewelry. I guess I am like you in some ways. But in others I will never be the daughter you wanted. I was too wild, too timid. Too quiet. Too talentless for you. You craved more. And I had nothing to satisfy your hunger for it. I will always be a disappointment to you.

"I'm proud of you!"

No, you're not. You never were. You say these things like you want to mean them. But you never do. I see the disappointment lingering in your eyes. I can still see it from 1600 miles away. I hear your voice dripping in it when you call.

I have to purge you.

I do. It aches me. I see myself being cold with him. I don't want to be the cadaverous person you were. I will never get a second chance, and neither will you.

Thank you.

For making me realize how much I missed out on.
For making me vulnerable to unsuitable relationships.
For making me runaway to where I am.
For making me try to be a better ama than you were.
For making me see what it is to be a child through my own child's eyes.

I am not a mistake. I am not too wild. I am none of those things that you chided me for. I will never slap my child on his cheek for sighing at me. I will never break a glass on his head. I will never beat him with a broom stick. Or tell him that he was a mistake. That I wished I had an abortion instead of having to deal with him. Maybe that is why I may be a pushover. I don't want to be the forceful mess you were.

Since I was never good enough for you, maybe someone else will come along to help me get there.

I want to be good enough.

Good enough for Gabe.

Anger Management

2006-03-30T12:31:00.000-05:00

I need it. I am so lit up right now. My fucking goodness. I can't believe the amount of anger seething inside of me. I feel as though a flame just instantly burst in my soul. It's not that I want to act like a brat. But damn it! I am so tired of picking up the slack for everyone. I have to give up whatever I want in order to accomodate everyone else. Why is that? I am so tired of being the damn welcome mat! FUCK YA'LL! LCS had an appointment this morning, so of course he wasn't going to be here. I had a detail (because I am in the color guard) at 1030 this morning. Mama Bear, wasn't doing shit, so that's covered, and TS&HA was going to be here (for once!) and actually work (for once!). So, I showered, after I made sure the boss had everything she needed for the surgery, and that TS&HA was okay. I managed to get halfway dressed. And then as I was getting my stuff ready to go downstairs, I hear TS&HA saying she just got stuck. That Mama Bear was coming to replace her, so I could still go do the color guard thing. Mama Bear had a different story. She always backs out of work. She claims to be so "busy", but when it comes to actually doing something with the animals, she doesn't do shit! And that shit pisses me off. She is my supervisor, so I just can't be like "Look, cunt, you're gonna actually fucking work for once, while I go do this color guard thing. Capish?" Even though I think I would be able to die euphoric if I did get the opportunity to give her a piece of my mind. She made all these excuses, about this and that. And how much more important it is. And her position takes precendence. I hate that word. I hate it!

And ya'll can guess who got stuck here.

Guess!

C'mon!

You know you wanna!

Yup.

Me.

I am so fucking tired of this shit. Now, see I love to work. I am a work-a-holic. I love being busy, and being in surgery, and doing stuff. You know all the nitty-gritty. I love it! But I hate being walked on. I get taken advantage of because I am nice. And because I like to work. And I like to clean. So, the other lazy people try to use that to their advantage. Ugh! I just want to go home. Sleep. And maybe wake up next week. I am just exhausted. Burned out.

Eh, did I mention the so-called proposal that Mama Bear made to us, the cubs, this morning?

Well, goes like this:

We work 4 days a week 10 hour days. We get 1 day a week off guaranteed.

Sounds good, right?

Hours of operation: 0630 hrs till 1800 hrs. (meaning 6:30 till 6:00 pm)

See, our 1 hour of PT (exercise, if you will!) is cut out. The "1 hour lunch" also, excised from that block. And of course our 30 minutes of hygiene after PT. So there you have it. Of course TS&HA was upset, because with this schedule, she can't make prior commitments and not be here to cover here shift. Sounds good for us. But she was putting up a bunch of excuses. Talking about how she was going to get burned out. Uhm, hello?! You are getting 30 days of convalescent leave for gallstone removal! How can you bitch about being burned out? I haven't had a vacation since October! I need a break! Well, there you have it. I am done bitching. I was just so pissed off! I still am.

The poison is spreading. God save us!

Make me unselfish, without being blind...

2006-03-24T10:41:00.000-05:00

"Let me be patient let me be kind

Make me unselfish without being blind

Though I may suffer I'll envy it not

And endure what comes

Cause he's all that I got

And tell him...

Tell him I need him

Tell him I love him

And it'll be alright"

In just a couple of months Gabe will be going back to Texas. I will be there to drop him off. To return him to our birthplace. To return him into the embrace of his father. I will not get to spend the summer with him. I will miss our trips to the pool, and to the lake. I will miss lazy Sunday's at Trader's Village in the company of my boisterous family. I will miss us laying the itchy grass outback, soaking in the summer sun. I will miss the crickets with their llulaby. I wont get to see him play softball, or to see him put on his first pair of soccer shorts. I will miss him getting on my nerves. His talking back to me. His laugh. His smell. I will miss his cries out to me in the middle of the night. I will even miss him waking me up at 6 on the weekends. I already ache for him. It's not enough time. I have taken him for granted. I get angry too quickly. He will come back a boy. No longer my baby. He is independent, curious, and stubborn. He takes after me. His embrace, albeit rough will be sorely missed. I will probably fall apart. My heart breaks thinking that I wont see him everyday. I am missing what is here, now. What if something were to occur and I wasn't there to kiss the pain away? Will he despise me? Will he ever understand why I am doing this? I need the break, don't get me wrong. I need to go to school. I need to better myself in order to provide. I plan on finishing up my time playing Army. Six years of my life wasted. I haven't accomplished much if anything at all. I am seen as nothing but a blip in the radar. There one second, and gone the next. I will cry my heart out, when I leave him. Cold turkey is difficult. It's not easy to have him here and to just deposit him into his father's care. But I am not here to deny him of a father. It's not my motive to divorce him of his father's love. My perogative was to divorce my XH, not divorce our families. Before he leaves, we need to find a bigger place, have everything moved in and ready for when Aaron comes and visits Randy. How funny. As I leave my child, Randy will have Aaron here. It's funny. But it should help keep me occupied. At least temporarily. I will miss you, my rowdy boy. I will cry for you. But I will stay strong. I hope you enjoy your time with your father. And that he enjoys it, too. I will be here waiting untill you come back. And like I tell you: Mommy always comes back.

I finally admitted it...

2006-03-20T10:27:00.000-05:00

I did. The worse possible thing I could have said. I said it out loud. I admitted it to Randy. I am the world's worst mother.

re·sent·ment ( P ) Pronunciation Key (r-zntmnt)n.
Indignation or ill will felt as a result of a real or imagined grievance. See Synonyms at anger.

I admitted something that I have never even told or mentioned to any of my therapists, for fear of being judged as a horrible mother. I don't want to be seen as incapable of providing a stable home environment for my child. I tried not to cry. But it hurt to admit it. I am missing things. Maybe they are just imagined or maybe even real, but I still have grieved them internally. I blame my son, though not seriously or in real life. But I do. Inside of me. I have harbored these horrible emotions, pent up. Festering. Into hateful little balls, that burn me from the inside in.

What kind of mother am I? How could I resent something like my own my child? It's not his fault that I am not in college. There are plenty of single mothers who work full time, go to school and still are mothers, on their own. But I am such a coward. I can't deal with change. I am still emotionally traumatized by having to uproot my son and myself. I am 1800 miles away from the only place I have ever known my entire life. The area is growing on me, but I still yearn for home. I miss it. I want to be there. So my family and friends could help me achieve what I want to do. Without feeling massive guilt for wanting to be selfish. I have spent my life caring for everyone else except me. I can't bring myself to be selfish. I could never just run off and ignore my responsibilities as a mother for more than one night. It racks me with guilt. I don't even have fun if I go out. Because Gabe is there, in my heart. I worry about him the entire time I am away from him. I worry that something will happen. Or that he'll have a hard time. Or that some accident will happen to me, and I wont see him again. Or a fire. Or a burglary. Or this..... or that.....

I resent. Not Gabriel exactly. Myself, really. I hate that I am a coward. That I have no real skill. That I am lazy, pretentious, boring. That I just sit and mope about how I am not doing this or that. Instead of getting out there and doing it. I hate myself for being guilty, for being spineless. Kids don't come with instructions. I know this. I want someone to tell me how to be a better mother. But I always fail. And I resent him sometimes for making me feel like a failure. I will not admit defeat.

"You're back already?!"

2006-03-16T08:15:00.000-05:00

Uhm, obviously I am back if you are asking me, correct? To all who thought of me, thank you for your best wishes! The procedure went well, no complications and pretty quickly. It was something I'd rather not experience again, even though the Serax was fun! I conned them into giving me a relaxing drug, since I giggle too much when I am nervous, and the fact that they would be electrocautering my cervix, while I giggled, isn't the most anticipated reaction to pain. I couldn't eat, but I forced myself to eat something, and once the Serax took effect I felt like I was stoned and a little drunk. I was very relaxed. Non-chalant about everything going on. Now, don't get me wrong, I almost cried during the procedure, and it did hurt, but I didn't care. RC waited for me. I am sure he was feeling uncomfortable waiting with the pregnant ladies. I had to tell about two of them that I was not expecting. I am he probably had the same scenario. So, people have been curious about what I had done, and being an honest and maybe somewhat blunt person, once they hear what I had done, they balk and seemed disgusted. This is mostly the male audience, and the females only cringe in pain while holding their lower abdominal (sp?) area. Then they follow up with a "You're back already?!", with a look of shock! Ha ha, I feel fine. Yes, I feel like I have major cramps, but other than that, I feel fine. I did a light walk around the track, about 2.5 miles. The bleeding has gotten much heavier. And no sex, nothing in the vagina for the next four weeks. This is going to suck! Uncle Tom and Sugarduck's wedding is on Saturday. I can't wait. This will be fun. I am going to get all dressed up, and RC is going to wear his dress blues, which he looks damn sexy in, and I can't even take advantage of him later on, because.....I can't have sex! The nurse told RC we had to "be creative". RC shuddered as we walked away. I think she disgusted him with the whole, just be creative statement. Ha ha ha. Well, just wanted to say a quick, I'm fine. I'm alive. I have cramps. But I feel good. I feel as though a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I know in time the weight will return. But as far as today, I feel very glad to be here once again. I bid you all good health, and a wonderful day!

Welcome to my Life

2006-03-09T13:11:00.000-05:00

Please feel free to step on me whenever you'd like. Now, if I ever have a favor to ask, you are to be indebted to me. Don't make excuses. Don't say you have to do too much. Don't say you have school, or appointments to meet. Just do it. Don't say you'll do something and run out on me on the last minute. Okay, now that I got that off of my chest. Onto my other bitching.

Today, LCS graduates from his "Warrior Leadership Course". Gay. Anywho, I just am looking forward to someone else being here, so I don't feel like I do slave labor all damn day for my measly paycheck. Bitch, Bitch, Bitch!

Gabe was "sick" again. He must have been bitten by a spider or some other random bug on his chest, which is now inflamed, and he has had off and on fevers. He has been moody and cranky, whiney, and just well a brat. He was pretty good last night, which was surprising. Even though he embarassed me at the hospital (which is usual nowadays!). I go to spend all day with him yesterday, which was okay. But between hating work, and not wanting to do anymore housework, I think I'm in dire need of a vacation! It's not that I am lazy. Or feel that I have too much to do. But I'm at the point of "Fuck it!"

I got my surgery next week. I'm scared, even though I don't think I want to admit that. What if things go wrong? Ugh, I wont think about that. NEXT!

I noticed that I am still very angry and resentful towards my XH. I thought I was over it, but I'm not so sure nowadays. I need to tie all my loose ends so to speak in order to move forward in my life. Maybe the anticipation of going back to where it all started, has woken up those dormant angry emotions. I'm waiting for him to fuck me over. It's his thing. I'm standing here guarded agaisn't him, and yet guarding myself subconciously from Randy. Even though I KNOW he would never be like that with me. I know Randy does love me now, and that there might be a possibility of us actually making a future together. I don't know where my life is going, and I am still very young, and Gabe and Aaron (sp?) complicate things a lot. I still haven't met his kid. Not saying that I want to right now, this minute, but I think that factored in would concrete my mind about where all this is actually leading.

I'm pissed. Why? I don't know? Maybe it's this stupid diet. Or the fact that I hate myself a lot these days. That I regret every misleading turn, every heartbreak, and every tear I've shed. I don't want that for my rowdy boy. I want laughter, dog kisses, sunshine, bubbles, and midnights filled with s'mores. I want simple. I want clean. I want, I want, I want!

Still have many bills piled up. The collection agencies have started harrassing me again. Fuck them! My XH was supposed to pay for that since he took everything! I kept just the things I went into the marriage with. Why?! Ugh, enough about unhappy things.

DQ and Specy. What an unlikely pair! They are fabulous! I love them. I am so glad to have another couple to hang out with (or at least did a couple of times), that were cool and talkative and down to earth. DQ is really great. She is a lot nicer than I would have expected. Most people usually look down on me, since I am so young. Uncle Tome and Sugarduck are getting married next week. Congrats to them. They are an awesome couple. They match each other perfectly! I'll miss Uncle Tom, since he'll be in Korea forever! Hopefully our paths will cross once more.

Randy. I can't bitch about him. He is my lover, my best friend and confidant. I can't believe how lucky I am sometimes to have such a wonderful guy like him in my life. He makes all the bad things better. He has stood by me, since all the bullshit has commenced. He treats me like I am worth millions, and is funny and smart. And I am so thankful for having him alongside of me through this fucked up journey called life.

Me. I'll bitch about me. Because I should. I hate myself a lot. Why? Because I'm not happy with myself. I've made a mess. I forget to clean it up. I take my personal frustrations and take them out on others. I forget about me, a lot. I forget that I was once unattached, and free. That I had no strings attached to my heart. That I had no responsibilities. That I was happy with myself. That no matter how I looked, I was happy. And now, well, I just hate how I've let myself go. I used to care so much about myself. Really loved myself. But was with someone so toxic and poisonous that he made me hate myself. I want to look in the mirror and love myself again.

So, I'll start today. Wish me luck, and pray for me, if that's your thing.

"Crews Into Shape"

2006-03-07T08:40:00.000-05:00

So, on Friday I signed my "contract" to participate and commit myself to a four week challenge, and lose 4 lbs by the end of the month. And I sort of started on Friday, to gradually introduce water and more veggies in my diet. Not that I am unhealthy, but I love fast food, and most of it isn't the healthiest, either. I decided to keep on online memoir, if you will of everything I have eaten since my "diet" commenced.

Friday night:
Drank about 32 oz of water
Ate Specy's food (which was amazingly delish!)

Saturday:
Sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit & hashbrown from McD's
16 oz coffee
Snacked on stuff around the house
Grilled fajitas & "borracho" beans without the beer
12 oz cran-apple juice
Huge slice of chocolate fudge cake

Sunday:
1/2 wheat bagel with fat free cream cheese and fresh strawberries
16 oz coffee
Leftovers from fajitas
1 Orange
Grilled salmon, steamed zuchini, and white rice

Monday:
1 plantains with reduced fat sour cream
4 oz coffee
1 Odwalla fruit smoothie
1 asian pear
Whole wheat bagel with turkey pastrami, cheddar cheese, lettuce and tomato
20 oz water
1/2 cup fruit salad
1/2 cream cheese danish (I'm fessin' up!)
1 porkchop and baby spinach salad

Tuesday:
1/2 wheat bagel with fat free cream cheese & fresh strawberries
20 oz coffee
1/2 cup oatmeal
1 oz smoked almonds
20 oz water

So that's been my diet so far. Hopefully, I'll at least lose some weight before this is over. I wouldn't want to fail my PT test, because of my weight! Oh, and that's just another tangent about the stupid weight standards for women in the Army. For my height (5'7" or 67") and age group 21-27, my maximum alloted weight is 149, but in the 17-21 group the max is 145. I weigh in at about 138 right now, so I'm okay if they weigh me now. I wear a size fitted 4 or baggy 6. So it's not like I'm a big person. I'm sturdy! But those weight standards really kill some people. And what do they want, supermodels in the Army? I already get enough crap from people telling me I look like a bean pole. I hate the stupid standards America has! Ugh, well, I need to go shower and start my slave work again! See ya'll laters!

Good Company

2006-03-04T13:14:00.000-05:00

My love and I packed up my kiddo and went over to Specy and Dancing Queen's house to hang out. They were so awesome and just nice. Gabe was being tolerable. Except, he is like I am and can't sleep in new places. Specy cooked some awesome grub, but I felt bad about eating it since I am on a new "weight loss" program. I don't officially start till Monday, but since I don't want to completely shock myself, I thought I would start this weekend. I felt bad, beauce I got there and felt a headache coming on. I was super busy yesterday, and didn't get a chance to eat all day or drink anything, so not only was I dehydrated, but exhausted. I had no energy to try and put up with Gabe. But he is my responsibility, and I am his mother. I felt it was my duty to have him not completely destroy their home, or to embarass me too much. He was pretty good for the most part. Until about 8:30 or so and he started getting cranky, he wanted to sleep. So, Specy made him a bed, but Gabe was resisting and I didn't want it to turn into an all out screaming match. Interesting moment of the night: Gabe said "Fuck you!" to me. And I had to take him to bathroom, pull down his diaper and swat his little behind. The boys got drunk and wanted to play HALO, and I wanted to go home, take a sleeping pill and sleep. It's not that I didn't have fun or wasn't having fun, but I've been working for the past two weeks straight, plus putting up with Gabe's much more tolerable behaviour was tiring me out. I could feel the headache throbbing in my head, but I was trying not to look too miserable (which I must have failed at!). SO we left at like 10:30 or so, and I could tell in the car that Randy was a little upset. His best friend is leaving soon, and I should have just gone with it. But I didn't want to be rude and pass out on the couch, with Gabe still running around touching everything. Dancing Queen (DQ) is so nice and intelligent. It's cool to hang out with another chick. I have no friends here, and it's awfully difficult to get out and meet them. Being as to which most females are scandalous and too materialistic for my liking, and I can't stand all that stupid chitter chatter about insignificant shit. I live a simple, if albeit secluded life, and I like it that way. Yes, I am boring! I have always been. I love to read. It's a passion of mine that I hope to pass on to my child. I'm girly to an extent, I wear make-up and love getting my hair done, but for the most part, I don't go on shopping binges, and go shake my ass all night at the club. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE TO DANCE!! But for me to go out every weekend and do that sort of thing, well, I just can't. I don't have a close group of girls to hang out with, or talk to. I work a lot, and I'm much younget than most of the other mothers around this area. I don't have a lot of "me" time. Which I do miss! But this is my life. It's what I wanted. So, I just deal with it. I feel much better today, and was hoping DQ would want to hang out since the boys are getting together again tonight. Im planning on some fajitas (to get some veggies and my meat), and maybe even a chocolate cake that I was going to bake for TS&HA since her b-day is tomorrow, but we start this "diet" on Monday, and that wouldn't be a good way to kick it off. So why not do it, tonight, this way we can eat it! And enjoy it and not feel guilty about it! So, yeah that's was my Friday. I hope the rest of the weekend is a little more mellow, at least for me. I guess I've been anxious over this surgery thing, and it's starting to show. Ugh, I'm going to be alright. Well, ya'll have a nice one! Untill next time...HB out!

The mediocrity of this place....

2006-03-03T13:20:00.000-05:00

The longer I'm here, the more I tend to hate it. Maybe I'm burned out. I'm so tired of working. Of cleaning up after the nasty ass adults I work with. I just don't understand it! I clean so much at work, by the time I get home, make dinner (sometimes!), and take care of Gabe; I just want to relax! Cuddle with my hunny, or read a book. I feel like my life has been spent cleaning after people. I'm frustrated with it! I was a maid before. That was an okay job. I like to clean. I'm meticulous about my work, and I had a good attitude. Plus, I was much cheaper and faster than the other maids in the company. But cleaning is hard work. It takes a certain type of person to do the job right and get things done in an orderly fashion. Since LCS has been away, and TS&HA has been in and out of work, I've been pinned down with all the petty jobs. You'd think I was a private again. My battle buddy has been my mop. Oh yeah, and my frustration. I keep telling Momma Bear that I'm tired. That I want a break. That my responsibilities have gone to the way-side, because I'm the only one here, and she wont do any of the easier work. But on the flip side, I've had dreamless sleep. I haven't had too much time to stress out about my health. I purged it onto my blog (see previous entries and my "Runaway" blog). I finally fessed up to my dad last night about what was going on. He was kind of worried but said he was glad that I wasn't going to stress it. I had to put up a front with him. He is already worried about me living here alone with Gabe, and no family around. I don't want him to think I can't handle it all. At least this whole health thing has put my board crap to the side. Momma Bear hasn't been pushing me to do too much as far as that goes, even though at this moment I would die to get promoted. I'm so tired of being treated like nothing because I am the youngest and the only one who hasn't been in damn near ten years. Yes, they have seniority over me because of their time in, but I know how to actually do my job correctly. And I mean, I know my shit. So don't fuck with me about it and question the things that I suggest. Ugh....I have to stay late today, and I'm tired. I can't wait till Monday. I might take my baby boy to go see Curious George. I think he will like it. Well, gotta go to a weight loss meeting. See ya'll later!

Beware the Ides of March....

2006-03-02T08:24:00.000-05:00

March has always been the equivalent of spring in my eyes. It symbolizes new beginnings and afterlife of the dead winter. It's always been filled with spring flowers, beautiful showers, and all the animals coming out of hibernation to reinhabit the fields once more. I am encased with sorrow at this time. Over a loss that I can't really explain. It's as though my womanhood shall be questioned. I don't feel. I am terribly numb. I want to wake up from this coma, that I have befallen. I have no reason to fear, what my God has given me as my burden. I made my choices and without prior knowledge this is the route that my life has taken for me. I will be okay. Only time will tell, though. I don't want to do this. It seems too painful. Too questionable of my reasoning. It seems to be too real. I have been happy living life at the sidelines, never actually partaking in anything. Just a cheerleader for life. Never really having to experience too much pain. I always let go before it was too late. For pain would consume me, if I were too human. But now, I have this hurdle ahead of me. If all goes well, I shall recover and never have to worry about this again (highly doubt it!) My surgery is scheduled for the 14th. It will take almost 6 months for my body to mend. I hope everything turns out well. I can't even thank my unlucky stars for catching this before it was too severe. If everything gets worse, a hysterectomy is called for. All because of a virus, that I never shook off. So bid me, good health and not luck. For luck is for the ignorant. And health is the one thing that is fragile and seldom found among us. I've always been healthy. I was never a sickly child. So, I guess this is payback, times ten! So, with this interestingly sad note, I bid ya'll a happy weekend.

May you all find yourselves in health.

Thank you, Randy. For staying when others would have run away.

I love you.

Just need to vent...

2006-02-24T10:04:00.000-05:00

A couple of weeks ago, I went in to my GYN, and got a procedure done to screen for cervical cancer, since my Pap came back abnormal. It was a painful and frightening experience. I have tried not to freak out about it, but I'm a natural worry-wart and tend to stress about things internally even though I try to blow them off. I received the results from my colposcopy procedure. I had been reassured that I was going to be okay, that everything looked fine, except for two spots that they had sampled, by takin biopsies of the differential spots. But she had said that she was sure it would come back low grade squamous intraepithilial lesions on my cervix, and that I would only have to come back in six months and get the procedure done again. Well, after seeing a couple numbers from the hospital, I figured she wanted to explain the results to me. But, it was worse than I had anticipated. I have high grade. Which means they have to remove it. The procedure is called a "LEEP". They basically remove up to 1/4" of the high grade lesions. This procedure is 95% effective. All this is caused from something called the Human Papillomavirus (HPV), which is sadly a sexually transmitted disease. Over 50% of the American population have it, yet they don't know it. There is no cure. Men carry it, but the women are the ones who have these pre-cancerous things happen, like me. It's rather alarming to know that I don't know who I got it from, or if I have infected anyone. I have yet to schedule my LEEP surgery, and I'm definitely not looking forward to. I'm scared. I have bit my cheek, so as not to cry. I hear the words, pre-cancerous. Many horrible images come to my mind. I am only 22. I don't want to die, yet.

So, since everyone has been gone....Work has been....stressful. You'd think the less people here, the better? Nope, not in this case. Disease knows no holiday, as my old commander used to say. I have had to bust my ass, trying to maintain this facility up to par, while trying to do my work, and the other two people who were gone. One isn't back, yet. He is a nice guy. We get along well. But as far as work, he doesn't really do shit. So, I'll dub him....Lazy Cool Specialist (LCS). So LCS has helped me a lot through the whole moving here, and getting by. He watches my son, since he knows I don't have an alternate babysitter, when I have to work. His kids and my kid get along awesome. We joke, we share and office together, and sometimes we carpool. We talk to each other (or I always talk, he listens). But as far as work, he tends to want to be lazy. And it's annoying. Since the other girl that works here (we'll call her Too Sick & Have Appointments-TS&HA), is usually, well....too sick and has too many appointments, to actually be here during duty hours. I love her. She is such a sweetheart and just a cool person. So, I feel bad to bitch about them not working. But if I try to sit on my ass and be lazy, I get knocked for it. It's sucking to be here right now. I love what I do. I have never said that I hate the work. It's the other petty bullshit, that I have to deal with, that pisses me off. I am the youngest one here, so I get treated like a damn slave. Cleaning, picking up after people, having to make sure their shifts are covered, and other lame crap like that. It's annoying. Shouldn't I be the one making messes, and messing up? Not the other way around? They don't need me here. They need their mothers (or fathers). It's so hard to respect people who don't do shit, really. And I know I am still "new" here and don't know all the inner workings and haven't gotten in too good with my "boss", but still!

I'm PMSing, I'm tired, and I'm super cranky. I have to work this weekend, and I don't want to. I want to sleep in. I want some food. I want to go out and have a beer. I want, I want, I want! I sound like Gabe! Maybe that's where he gets it from!

Speaking of Gabe, he has been a completely different kid. He had a really nasty ear infection, so that sort of explains why he was so cranky and so testy with me. He is super-affectionate now, and listens to me. He has been a little angel, compared to how he was a week ago. I took him to the park yesterday. We played for an hour. Came home, he actually ate his dinner! Took a bath, and helped me put him to bed. I can almost hear again, since he hasn't been screaming bloody murder in the past week. So, I guess I am done venting.

Thanks for "listening"...........

Three's a crowd....

2006-02-15T09:33:00.000-05:00

I've been pretty blah, lately. Not having too much to complain about. And there's been a million things I would like to have discussed on here (with my 2 readers), but for lack of real privacy, I suppose I have chosen to keep silent and just let the thoughts keep grinding in my head and heart. But I can't keep doing that. Writing has always been one of my outlets, and since I am currently not going to therapy anymore, I have to find a good medium to express myself. And I suppose I shall begin. But before I actually get into what I want to write about, I want to issue a "disclaimer" if you will. To anyone who may read this and think this has something to do with them, it does...yet, it doesn't. I have been feeling like this from the get-go, but it's just now beginning to become an issue. I hope you don't get your feelings hurt over this, but I'm just worried.

As most of you know, I have a kid. He is not impaired in anyway. He is healthy, bright, and an almost 3 year-old. My wonderful boyfriend accepted this when we first started dating. Most guys would have chosen the other route, of either being a booty call, or to not be there at all. But no, he understood where I was coming from and decided to stick around. Maybe I should have waited to have them meet. Maybe I shouldn't have brought him around my son so much, so quickly. Maybe I should be a better parent, and stop being so selfish. Maybe.....maybe....maybe.

But I can't change the course that I have chosen to take. Nor, can I really change all the awful things I have done. I just need to figure how to make this equation work for us. I love both of them very much. And if I were to choose, well I'd have to stick with my child. Not saying that I would just discard the wonderful person in my life, but it's my duty as his mother. I never wanted to be a single mother, for this reason. The first couple of months were great, but each day my child is getting meaner, and more annoying. He annoys me. And I feel horrible for admitting that, but he does. I feel like I can't take him anywhere anymore. He does this whole: "I want this....and I want that....I want this....", until I basically have to hurry up and scramble out of a store before I loose my fucking mind. And then he hits me. And pushes me. And talks back to me. My dad tells me that I need to set the rules right now! Because he needs to learn that I am the boss. But it's so hard. I feel so guilty. For so many things. I hate spanking him. It makes me feel like shit. I feel like I might go off and get too pissed and beat the shit out of him. I've spanked him hard enough a couple of times to welt up his little behind. And I cried so hard after I did that. I felt like the world's worst mother.

I've been to a couple parenting classes. But their methods don't work with my kid. I've tried time-outs. Taking stuff away. Spanking. Yelling. Trying to talk to him. Everything that I can think of. And still nothing. I look at my kid, and basically hate him for making me feel so damn worthless. And I want to go out, and have fun. And do "couple" things with my love. But I can't. I feel guilty for leaving my kid all day at daycare, so I can work, and then wanting more "me" time. I want to just runaway in the night. To leave everything. I'm so worn down, and just feel broken. I look at the pictures of my beautiful son at my desk, and I can't help but feel like I let him down. Like maybe if he were happier, he would listen to me more. And do the things I ask of him. I try to go out of my way to make sure that he is happy. But I still feel like I am failing.

I also think, at the moment (or maybe always!), that my son's behaviour is annoying Randy. He mentioned it last night. I was kind of hurt. I tried to laugh it off. But it did really hurt my feelings. Because I felt like it's my fault that my son is so out of control. I have let his behaviour slip through the cracks of my parenting, because I am mirred in guilt over my parenting. Maybe if he spends a couple of nights alone without Gabe to annoy him, he'll be okay. But if this is going to be a serious relationship, how is going to act when he doesn't have his place to runaway to? Is he going to resent me for the way I parent? I never learned how to be a mom. I'm still learning. I don't know how I will make it through the end of this week. But I know I will. I will learn how to be a better mom. I'm trying to play mommy and daddy to a 2 year-old. It's hard. I have to give a lot of kudos to any single parent out there that hasn't lost their mind.

What should I do? I don't want you not want to spend time with me, because of Gabe. I know I am a pushover. And I fail on all my punishments. I am too leniant. I get lazy. I don't know how to be a mom. I don't think I can control my child. All I know is that I love both of ya'll very much. My life would be very empty without each of you. I just, I don't know. I'm worried.

Ideals....in people...

2006-02-08T11:01:00.000-05:00

So, I wasn't tagged. But I read Martini Love's Blog and saw that it had a post on the "perfect" person for her, described in 8 attributes. After thinking about it for an hour or so...I think I came up with a suitable list, that describes what I think is important. Decided I would give it a shot. So, here goes....

1. Sense of Humor.

Simple, right? And I don't mean a stand-up comic, either. I mean someone who can laugh at the stupid things I do, or find amusing. Someone who can share my sense of humor (as odd as it is), and actually not categorize me as odd. Someone who can understand my dry, sarcastic humor. Not sadistic, just sarcastic.....Like me!

2. A Good Heart. (Not just health wise!)

Another thing that is key, for me. I like to know that the person is compassionate, has the capacity to emphatize, is understanding of other's situations. And isn't rashly judgemental. This can also show that they have the capacity to love and to care for people. I'm a giver. It wouldn't be suitable for me to be with someone who is a taker.

3. Sensitive.

And I don't mean someone who will be a sucker and cry at every moment (that would be gay!). I mean someone who can understand that I am "hyper-sensitive". I get my feelings easily hurt, but I try to roll with the punches. Someone who can sense when they have hurt me, and can understand how I feel. Someone who can be sensitive to my needs, as a woman.

4. A Good Communicator.

I suck in this department. I always have. I tend to bottle things up and let them simmer, until I explode. But that isn't a great way of keeping relationships alive. So, I have tried to be open and be a much better communicator and listener. It's worked so far, and I am still learning how to do it. Expression is not just verbal! I still need a lot of patience with this from both the receiving end and myself.

5. Patient.

I need someone who can understand that I need time. I move slow. I eat slow. It takes me awhile to wake up in the mornings, and to actually get stuff done. Why? Well, it's not that I'm lazy. I'm just a perfectionist and need everything to be exactly perfect. I need someone who can be patient with a lot of things in my life. Such as my friendships, my family, and my ex. He is annoying as hell, but he is my child's father and he is going to be a part of my life till my son grows up.

6. Passionate.

I mean it about everything. About life, love, work, relaitonships, people. Whatever that motivates them and keeps them looking and loving life. Someone who can be passionate and not subdued all the time. Who can love life and the intensity of it, like I do. Someone who looks towards the past, present and future with fire in their hearts. I love that!

7. Honest/Sincere.

No one wants their partner to be a liar, or to be insincere. I am very gullable, and I usually pretty much believe what anyone says. It's hard to do, and most people think it's naive of me, but it's how I am. I will give anyone the benefit of the doubt, till they prove me wrong. So, it's easier to be with someone who can be honest, not hide big things from you, and can just be down-right sincere.

8. Clean/Neat.

Why? Because I can't stand cleaning up after people. AND I hate people who are messy. I don't see how people can function when there is a mess in their house, or cars, or personal space. It drives me nuts. I'm a neat-freak, and I love to clean! So, it's nice to be with someone who helps clean and not make a mess. Or at least pick up their own mess!

So, I tag everyone. Well, the like 2 people who read my blog I suppose. LMAO....Anywho....Most of these attributes are in the person I am with (Randy). And I am very lucky to find someone that I mesh well with and that loves me, too. So, have fun...It'll be nice to see what ya'll write.

I'm off to get my kiddo. He has a rash on his butt, and I gotta get him from daycare.

2006-02-06T14:22:00.000-05:00

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

Memories....Oh, sweet Memories!

2006-02-01T14:29:00.000-05:00

To remember things, is a great gift. I have always believed in this. It is amazing the things the human mind can retain. From the simplest thing, to the most complex equations, or foreign languages. I recall so much from my childhood, my teenage years, and my recent adulthood. I have forgotten that I used to be childless, loveless, and independent. That I used to survive off of M&M's and Chilli Cheese Fritos, with a Sprite everyday. I forgot that I used to run out in the hallways to meet all my friends briefly and pass notes. That I was childish. That I used to play with matchbox cars outside in the mud. That I used to wish this boy I had a crush on would kiss me. I always wanted my first kiss to be magical. I used to make-out for hours at the bowling alley when I was 13. I used to sneak makeup on, and remove it before I got home. That I would smoke at the tender age of 12, thinking I was too "grown-up" for myself. I visualize playing double dutch for hours. Sneaking out of my house at ungodly hours to go to clubs. That I used to "pop-wheelies" on my bike. That I used to have a perma-blue mouth from the blueberry snow cones, that I devoured. And today as I sat upstairs and busied myself with work, I recollected all this. I evoke how the sun shone around me. Watching the bees dance in between the green blades of grass in my backyard. I remember my rabbit, and how soft it's fur was. I imagine myself at age 15 crying on my dog's shoulder when I had no one else to talk to. Scavenging in empty houses, and playing softball in my backyard with the neighborhood kids. The cold Kool-aid we would drink, and the red mustaches we would all have. I envision the merry-go-round, rusted and useless and how much fun we used to have running between the tree trunks, the sand, and the beautiful sloping hills accross from my school. I faintly summon up the smell of the dugout as we waited until it was our turn to bat. I can see all these things and places and times as though they were the present. I can reminisce every smell that I grew up with. I conjure up images from all my stages and phases in life and see how much I have changed, yet stayed the same. So, I know that as we grow we tend to overlook those things that made us happy. The things that delight us. I forget to bask in the sunshine. I neglect to have a blueberry snowcone, or to run around with my arms out and wide into the rolling hills of grass. I am trying so hard to be "grown-up" that I have forgotten how I've gotten here. And how fun the trip has been.

Costochondritis!

2006-01-30T12:54:00.000-05:00

Imagine if you will, pressure stemming from your ribcage into your thoracic cavity. Feeling like a stabbing from underneath your nipple to the back of your ribcage. Eveytime you breath.

The only comfort you find is hot showers, and crouching over while applying pressure on the affected area.

Can't take a deep breathe, because searing pain tears into your lung. Just cross out yawning while your at it.

Walking up the stairs you feel faint and dizzy because you can't breathe.

Now imagine this all weekend.

Oh, did I forget to mention a 2 year old boy throwing the temper tantrums of his life...

Silly me!

That was my weekend.

How was yours?

Reflection, on things past....

2006-01-23T12:45:00.000-05:00

Memory is a child walking along a seashore. You never know what small pebble it will pick up and store away among its treasured things.

I tend to remember a lot of insignificant things. Smells. Tastes. People's hands. Eyes. The way they walk. I notice a lot of things that most don't. I tend to become rather nostalgic, especially as of late. I look back at a past that haunts me, yet is silenced by the happy times I share with him, now. I have played many different roles in the past, and I have known to be a rather different person in each relationship. I think all people are like that. We are all different in each relationship. I have been the hopeless romantic, the damsel-in-distress, the heartless bitch, the battered victim, the unhappy adultress, the mistress, the golddigger, the fuck buddy, and countless others. Those are just the relationships that I can recall at the moment. Maybe not as significant as some others, but those are a few of the roles that I have partaken in. But lately I haven't done either. I haven't faked being someone to be more appealing. I haven't fluffed myself up or dumbed myself down to be someone's illicit fantasy. I have been......ME. Plain and simple.

I read back on all my myspace blog entries and see so many parts of me, shinning through the mirred words.

I see my cry for help. I see myself trying to surface. Trying.

But never truly getting through.

I've always been afraid of who I am. For many reasons:

I don't think I'm as nice as I wish I was.
I say things without thinking of the consequences.
I try too hard to make everyone happy.
I have become a rather selfish and introverted person lately.
I have never been able to get past my guilt and resentment towards things and people.
I don't know if I really love myself.

I just reflect on my past a lot. To see how I have grown. And to value the wonderful things in my life, such as Randy. Last night he ran a bath for me. It had to be the one and only thing that no one has ever really done for me, that I have always wanted. I mean he does these amazing things for me, that others may think are simple or what-not, but I have never had someone treat me like that. I don't even know how to act. Should I be mad? Glad? I don't want to grow accustomed to something that may not occur as often later on. He buys me flowers and chocolates and writes me sweet things.

And then I feel guilty for not doing these things in return. But I don't want him to think that I am just copying him. I want to have my own original ideas. I want him to know that I love him and think of him all day. That I dream of him at night and that I can't wait to see him after work. It brightens my days. Last night as I soaked and pruned up in my bath, I stared at the candles burning...and I had a moment of silence underwater. I just heard the mechanical heartbeat of my washing machine. I lay there underwater. Floating. Suspension without suspense. It was great. I tried to remember some of the nice things my ex-husband did for me. I couldn't think of any. Just the occasional bouquet of carnations, to apologize for never being there. He seldom helped me. I had to nag him to do simple chores around the house. Randy does them automatically. And it frightens me. I don't know how to thank him. Or how to tell him that he doesn't need to do that.

He is always helping me. I never help him. And that bothers me.

I don't want him to feel as though I just keep around so he can wash my dishes or take out my trash. Or to help with groceries. I want him to know that I don't need those things even though I truly appreciate it. I'm dumbfounded at times. He just does things. Without me asking. And I don't know what to say.

So thank you, Randy. I love you. For being a better man, than any I have ever known.

For loving me freely and openly.

For taking the time and effort to do sweet things for me, when I don't deserve them.

For coming over and holding me while we sleep.

For just being you. Perfect. For. Me.

Love is like hot soup on cold days....

2006-01-19T08:17:00.000-05:00

It warms you from the inside, out. Towards your fingers. They alight with warmth and kindness. Where they touch, your warmth remaisn. Condensing on the surface. It is sadistic and pacifist. It is endearing and swallows you raw. It encases your dreams, fears, and hopes. Hoping for things you thought you'd never desire.

It is all these things, and yet we search lifetimes to find it. Once we do. We make choices. Nurture it. Or let it go. You experience loss. You experience joy. You cry inpregnated tears. Tears that make you feel empty inside. That relieve you temporarily. You go insane in love. You lose yourself in that person. You think that your love will defy all odds.

But sadly, this is not true. Love and marriage do not go hand in hand. Marriage is more than just a solemn promise made to try your best. It is the decision to make things work each and every waking day. To keep going. To not give up and lose ground. It can be described as battle. You will not surrender to the enemy.

Love frees you of past inhibitions. It makes you see yourself as something better, grander, more real. You see yourself in the raw. As you came to earth. You love yourself more. Care more. You place another before you. To love unconditonally is impossible. I know this. We all have conditions for others. Tests, for them to pass or fail. You decide from there on if it is worth the risk.

Did you just say I do what?

2006-01-12T09:20:00.000-05:00

I knocked on the door, three times. I had shuffled around the vending machine waiting for the eternity that was a minute to pass by. I stood there, looking at that omnipotent door, as though it were infected. I stilled my breath so that I could hear the quiet chatter inside that room.

"Enter", she says. I walk in looking at my boots. Wishing I had had more time to shine them to a nice gloss. I walked in, closing the door silently. I looked at the familiar faces, and tried not to show the fear and anxiety on my face. My heart was racing . I surpressed a giggle, and tried not to blush. But once you try not to blush you blush more. I could not bring myself to meet their eyes. I stood there for what seemed an eternity. Very still. I saluted, announced my name and greeted the President and the other members.

She tells me to sit. Which I do. And self conciuosly wonder if I shall remember anything that I have studied in the past week. My mind is a big blank. Nothing. Just silence ringing in my ears. I hear them distantly speaking. And I nod my head in the right places. But my mind is a million miles away.

They start firing questions at me. I answer as best I could. I giggle. I smile. Not in a flitatious manner, but in a nervous one. I can't make eye contact. I'm ferociously red, and my palms are sweaty, sticky and sliding on my lap. I turn my head. I hear the loudness of my heartbeat pumping in my ear. The wall clock counts off seconds, but they seem too long and foreign. Within a span of 10 minutes, they finish. My heart slows as I know we are nearing the end. I had a horrible opening, but the ending was good. I succeded in not making a complete and utter fool of myself.

The she speaks. Constructive criticism, they called it.

I bite my lip too much. I look up. I don't make eye contact. I giggle. I smile. I answered truthfully and didn't try to fluff myself up to some bad-ass army girl. I wasn't Hooah enough.

But what bothered me, was the biting my lip too much. Yes, my nervousness makes me bite my lips. Lack of carmex makes me bite my lips. But why would they say it's a bad thing?

So that was my board. We'll see how I do on the real one. I'm off to study.

Nine Layers of Me

2006-01-04T14:08:00.000-05:00

LAYER ONE

Name: Nancy R. "Meds"
Birthdate: 05/16/1983
Birthplace: Houston, Texas
Current Location: Bethesda, MD
Eye Color: Brown
Hair Color: Naturally brown, but an odd mixture right now...
Righty or Lefty: Righty
Sun Sign: Taurus
Innie or Outtie: Innie

LAYER TWO

Your heritage: 100 % Mexican
The shoes you wore today: Black Steel toe Doc's & my pink n' black adidas
Your hair: Highlighted, straight as a board, and to my shoulders
Your eyes: Brown, big
Your weakness: smoking, chocolate, Gabe's hugs
Your fears: Chokin, being raped, bees, heights
Your perfect pizza: pepperoni & mushroom
One thing you'd like to achieve: get financially together

LAYER THREE

Your most overused phrase on IM:LMFAO, hee hee hee, WTF?
Your first waking thoughts: '10 more minutes!'
The first feature you notice in the opposite sex: Eyes, Hands
Your best physical feature: Uhm, I like my smile...but I get a lot of compliments on my eyes
Your bedtime: I should be asleep by 9, but I hardly am....
Your greatest fear: Being hated by my child
Your greatest accomplishment: Being a mother
Your most missed memory: Appreciating everything

LAYER FOUR

Pepsi or Coke: Coke, especially the Vanilla kind!
McDonald's or Burger King: BK...
Single or group dates:Single at first, group afterwards
Adidas or Nike: Adidas
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Any! As long as it SWEET!
Chocolate or vanilla: CHOCOLATE!!!
Cappuccino or coffee: As long as it has caffeine, I'll take it...

LAYER FIVE

Smoke: No tas much as I used to..
Cuss: Is it bad when you're child repeats "I'm gonna beat your ass, mommy!" at Walmart?
Sing: Yes, but only when I'm drunk or cleaning....
Take a shower everyday: Only on the days that end in Y
Have a crush(es): Yup....
Who are they: The sweetest person ever!
Do you think you've been in love: Yup...
Want to go to college: Sure do...maybe this summer...
Like high school: Yeah, it was fun!
Want to get married: Just got divorced....
Believe in yourself: not as much as I should
Type with your fingers on the right keys: Sometimes
Think you're attractive: When I'm dressed to the nines, of course!
Think you're a health freak: No, but I love healthy food...
Get along with your parents: My father, yes.....my mother, that's a whole different story
Play an instrument: I used to play the clarinet, flute, oboe, sax, and a little piano...now I don't do squat!

LAYER SIX

In the past month, did you...Drink alcohol: Yup....that's fun!
Smoke: About to go out right now...
Do a drug: Nope, that's pretty irresponsible
Make Out: Last night
Go on a date: Kinda...
Eat an entire box of Oreos: Nope, but sounds fun!
Eat sushi: Nope, but I love it...
Been on stage: Naw...
Been dumped: Not really....I mean, been dumped on...lol....not like that, fool!
Gone skating: No, but it'd be fun....
Made homemade cookies: Indeed I did, and it was a burnt disaster....
Been in love: Yes, thankfully!
Gone skinny dipping: In my bath tub...
Dyed your hair: Nope, but I do need to!
Stolen anything: Naw....

LAYER SEVEN

Have you ever...Played a game that required removal of clothing: Yes..
If so, was it mixed company: Yup!
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Ha ha, Gabe wasn't just conceived out of thin air!
Been caught "doing something": Yeah, kinda....
Been called a tease: Yeah, I don't get it!
Gotten beaten up: Definitely, but I won a few fights here and there back in my hayday
Shoplifted: Yeah, used to do it a lot....
If so, did you get caught: Naw...I was pretty slick
Changed who you were to fit in: Not that I can recall, but probably....

LAYER EIGHT

Age you hope to be married: Uhm, when I am ready....to do it.....again....
Numbers and Names of Children: 1 Boy, Gabriel Xavier
Describe your Dream Wedding: Uhm, immaculate! Clean and simple, yet elegant....like a Martha Stewart Weddings Mag....
How do you want to die: Quietly in my sleep, once my son no longer needs me
What do you want to be when you grow up: Happy.
What country would you most like to visit: Italy

LAYER NINE

Number of guys I have kissed: Ha ha, like I'm supposed to know!
Number of boyfriends you've had: Dated a lot, but I would say about 4 real relationships
Number of drugs taken illegally: Too many
Number of people I could trust with my life: 6
Number of CDs that I own: however many are scattered around my car, office, and house
Number of piercings: Just 2...both my ears
Number of tattoos: Three, but I want more this year
Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: I know of at least twice
Number of scars on my body: A lot, I'm really clumsy and accident prone...and I was a tomboy
Number of things in my past that I regret:I wish I didn't have any regrets, but I do....mostly about things I have done that I can not change....

2005 is out the door....

2006-01-03T15:12:00.000-05:00

Last year I...

Was living "alone" for the first time ever....

Was separated from my "husband"......

Was legally cheating on my "husband".....

Was working on New Years Day.....

Had a great view on how life was going to be without "husband".........

Had an almost 2 year old who adored me.....

Was in Texas, and thought I would be there till I died.....

Thought the guy I was with, was a good person.....(boy! was I wrong on that one!)

Had several mental breakdowns.....

Was being sued by the state of Texas and the Attorney General....(thanks, MOM!!)

This year I....

Am living alone with Gabe....for real.....

Am divorced from "husband"......

Am in a serious relationship with Randy.....

Worked on New Years Day.....

Have a shitty view of life.....in general....

Have an almost 3 year old who treats me like shit......

Currently live in the DC area....will be here till 2008.....

Think the guy I am with is awesome.....(hopefully my judgement is better!)

Haven't broken down....but I did almost cry this morning.....

Am still being sued by the state of Texas, blah blah blah.....

Isn't it fucking hilarious how so many things may change but yet, so many stay exactly the same?! They are forever constant...always there....omnipotent in their own right. I still feel tied down to "husband", because he calls me every day and tries to talk to me like we are still married.

I am a resentful person. I hold resentment. For everything and everyone. I just can't let it go. I still hate my mother, even though the thought of her missing so much of my son's life bothers me. I want him to have as much family as possible.

I wish I could learn to let go. Of a lot of things. I have been misjudged because I am young, because I am hispanic. Because I have a kid and I am only 22. I'm not as bad as I might seem or as I may come off to people. I work my ass off and I try hard to be a good person, for what?!

I just pray....that in 2006....I find a lot less tears....a lot less heartache...and a lot less stress....I hope that this is the better year that I have hoped for....Cheers for now...

I'll let you know next year, if it was okay....or not....

Addendum to Previous Post!!

2005-12-30T14:41:00.000-05:00

Before ya'll think I'm a liar....my plans have changed. I got a sitter for tomorrow. Randy, "Torpedo", and I have decided to go out and ring in the New Year with a bunch of ol' veterans at the American Legion. This shall be interesting, since I have yet to experience a drunk Jareh. And I don't think Randy has ever seen me drunk...expect some good shit come Sunday...lol...Ya'll have a rockin' New Year's...oh, and no DUIs....please.....Love ya'll...especially you...♥

Last Friday of the Year...

2005-12-30T11:21:00.000-05:00

Another year is among us...

"Things are always at their best in the beginning."-Blaise Pascal

So the resolutions may pour, along with the champagne. False promises from idle lips, and a drunken massacre of horny people in masses. I can't wait! Too bad I have to work on the 1st or else; I would be inclined on going out, getting too drunk, and making a damned fool out of myself in public. But this year, we shall keep it inside and before midnight...No watching the ball drop...no trying to fondle my key into my ignition in a drunken stupor. And definitely no drinking this year.

As for ya'll, I hope ya'll get out and have some extravagant experiences! I hope ya'll have a wonderful New Year. I KNOW that 2006 has to be better than this year was. Because if not, I might actually lose my fucking mind.

Take care! Get some designated drivers, and most importantly...Have a great FUCKING time!

My Christmas Story

2005-12-26T10:29:00.000-05:00

For those of you who don't know me very well, I used to have a roommate when I first moved to the DC area. I left everything I had because we had planned on living together. So I packed my car up, and drove the 1800 miles to get here with not much besides the clothes in my car and a couple of things I decided to take from what was left of my marriage. One month we lived together! ONE MONTH! She ended up deciding to move to Texas with her "husband" and try to work things out. She left me in a quite a pickle. Homeless, alone, and broke in DC. Not that I am mad at her, but I did place blame on her for a lot of my misfortune in the coming months after she left. I told her that things weren't going to change between her and her hubby, since I had already gone through that in my marriage. Just because you move to a different state doesn't mean that they will change, for the better or for good. So she calls me on Friday. Here's the story.

-Her: "Hey, what's up? How are you doing? How's Gabe?

-Me: "We're doing good. He's huge! Have had a couple problems with money...You know how it goes..."

-Her: "I'm back in Virginia! What are you doing for Christmas? Do you have any plans?"

-Me: "Well, no. I was just going to sit around the house...spend 'quality' time with Gabe...ha ha..."

-Her: "Well, do you want to come to my mom's house and spend Christmas with us? You should see the baby! He's huge! He has six teeth and is crawling already."

-Me: "Wow! I haven't seen him in like 3 months...Why are you back? I thought you were just here in November?"

-Her: "Well, I left him. Yeah."

-Me: "Really? Why? Same old shit?"

-Her: "Yeah."

-Me: "Well, I'll call you on Sunday and you can give me the directions to your momma's house and we can spend Christmas together."

-Her: "Okay, talk to you later!"

-Me: "Alright...bye."

So in this like 5 minute conversation, you see...I went from having no plans at all to actually having something to do. I was sort of excited and a little pissed that she called me.

I was hoping she didn't want to see if I would possibly move in with her after how she just up and left like that. But I'm a good friend and I wanted to make sure she was doing okay. So off we go. Packed the kid up and drove the 50 miles to Burke. And I see her again. She looks awesome. Hair all "did" and looking all adorable! I looked frumpy as always..lol.. But oh well...it happens that way when you're a single mom. She has never met Gabe and is delighted to see how "smart" he is. He's fussing over the baby (he loves babies!), and the dog. There's an akward moment. Just a split second. But it's over. No need to be angry anymore. After all I've been through in the past few months. Moving to Germantown has worked out better for me and Gabe. I was prepared to talk to her, should the question arise. No, I wasn't willing to live in Virginia again. No, I liked living alone and so did Gabe. No, I didn't want to maybe move in together and try again, for sake of Randy and for Gabe. But alas, it was not mentioned. Not once. And I was relieved. Now, her mom is a character. I'll tell ya! She is not a typical mother. But I am learning that most white moms aren't! Maybe it's just a hispanic thing, but moms aren't supposed to be friends...they're parents. No matter how old you are. But this lady...well, she's CRAZY...cool. Though, I think she is quite the oddball. Within minutes of first meeting her, she farted on me...Yes, she did! Hiked up her butt and all...lol.......So her mom is single and met this guy at a gay stipper joint and invited him over. I can't say if he was gay or not even though the impression he gave would tell me, he's definitely a pillow biter. Then, they tell me he was one of the "dancers" at the joint....lol...And he is just this pessimistic, down guy. He has this little Jack Russell terrier who is just a spoiled brat and nipping and barking it's head off at everything. We were trying to talk and have a good time, but there he was sitting in between us, looking uncomfortable and moping. Like it was torture for him to be there. How dare us invite him over to spend Christmas with us?! So he ended up leaving and we end up having a much better time, making fun of him....lol....cruel, maybe? But that's how we are when we are together. They end up giving me all this nice stuff. And I felt bad. Because well, I was too broke to even buy Gabe some nice presents, much less buy someone else anything. So the night continued and we just sat there, full bellies, laughing at the "gay" guy. Even though her mom is convinced he is just bi. SO yeah, that was my Christmas. Without Randy. I miss him very much and can't wait till Wednesday. Hope ya'll had a very good Christmas...and happy holidays!

What my Astrologer thinks.....

2005-12-23T10:14:00.000-05:00

Nancy, your Life Path of 6 ...

You have a deep love and concern for your fellow humans and are at your happiest when you feel yourself to be in the service of others. You are a supportive and self-sacrificing and a friend to all. You intuitively know how to cheer or heal others who are in a crisis. You also have a swift, analytical mind, dexterity and a lot more faith and courage than is often demonstrated by the other numbers. For this reason, many of you end up being doctors, nurses, fire-fighters, policeman, politicians, lawyers, crisis line workers, counselors and any occupation that involves empathy, skill or bravery. Your life path is often filled with responsibility, but the difference between you and other people is that you are happy to take it on. You are a sympathetic and kind person and skilled in the arts of diplomacy and leadership. Many of you are born with an innate wisdom about what others need to survive and thrive. You easily earn the devotion and respect of others and are destined to become a pillar of your community. Like most sixes, you probably were some kind of child prodigy in one subject area. You probably seemed to be wise beyond your years and may have accelerated grades or entered university early. Furthering your education is likely to be a theme that is important to you your entire life. This is because your brilliant mind is always looking for ways to enhance the quality of your life. Another mark of the number 6 child is that he or she tends to connect very well with adults and have full, intelligent conversations even at a very young age. You often marry early and the cornerstones of your life are family, religion, philanthropy and compassion. Your relationship with your partner is often destined to be a permanent loving one that survives all obstacles. You may also have an extraordinary talent for dealing with children, teens and the elderly. You have very few flaws, but one of them might be a tendency to meddle in or fix other people's lives. Also your willingness to excel to please high-ups may look like brown nosing to others. As you are often very successful compared to others, you might also experience a lot of jealousy and envy from those who just don't see how good-hearted you really are. As you are so self-sacrificing you are also in danger of working yourself to the point of exhaustion. One of your life path lessons is to remember to care for yourself as much as you care for others. Another one of your life challenges is to make sure that you don't take on more than you can chew as this might force you to break promises that you would rather keep. You are a soft touch, so you are also at the risk of being taking advantage by individuals who might see your kindness as the mark of a fool. However your traditional approach to life along with it's ethics and moral values usually serves you well. Being one of the most domestic numbers, your family and extended family is probably the center of your life. You are very realistic in your approach to money and career and often have the intelligence and foresight to build a small fortune. This financial savvy is good because number six's tend to have large broods or spend many years of their life supporting parents or other relatives.

Nancy, your Expression of 3 ... Your Potential Natural Talents and Abilities

You are at the height of your self-expression when you feel that others are experiencing "being high on life" like you are. One of your personal goals may be to uplift humanity or spread joy or enthusiasm wherever you go. You know how to unite others through the magic of performance, song dance, singing, acting or literature. For this reason, you are fated to entertain others in some way, whether you are in showbiz or not! You are imaginative in every way possible. As you are a great innovator your career choice may be unorthodox in some way. You consider the accumulation of experiences to be your greatest wealth so you may choose a career in which you travel a lot so you can meet as many people and encounter as many different kinds of situations as possible. You love to dare to be grand and this is reflected in your mannerisms and speech. You often speak in full paragraphs and are a captivating storyteller. You often throw your entire body into your self-expression so that it is one with what you are saying. For this reason many of you make incredible actors, opera singers, teachers or performers. You also have a natural dexterity that makes it easy for you to learn and play music. Threes are often blessed with a natural sense of comic timing as well as rhythm. This makes you an excellent dancer and lover. You love philosophy and the old cliches that are true in life so when you feel lost emotionally you rely on wise words to get you through. You rarely take anything that happens to you in life personally, a trait that frustrates your enemies to no end. This ability to let stuff "roll off your back" serves you well in the many complex emotional situations that threes often get into. You relate better to large groups of people then you do one on one. As threes are often no shows in their family lives and rarely have time to pay attention to their lovers they are likely to show their affection by giving lavish gifts. However this is often perceived by others as an attempt to buy others affection or as a lousy substitute for real emotional support. As you adore being in the spotlight you probably dress to impress. Either you dress in the latest trendy fashions or in an eccentric fashion that makes it impossible for others not to notice you. As you are an oddly sentimental creature, you are fond of heirlooms and one of a kind jewelry and clothing that sets you apart from the crowd. One of the greatest gifts you have to offer others is your boundless optimism and enthusiasm for life. Others who meet you rarely forget you as you always make a permanent first impression. Although on the surface you might appear to be a bit shallow to others usually you are motivated by the desire to have others transcend petty emotions and pains in life. Nothing annoys you more than a person that insists on looking down at his shoes when he could be looking up at a big wide sky full of stars. The ultimate achievement of your life expression is to change the consciousness of others so that they aspire to their highest ideals. One way that you do this by continually reminding them through your actions that these ideals can be manifested through kind and wise action on earth.

Nancy, your Soul Urge of 9 ...What You Desire To Be, To Have, and To Do In Your Life

The highest expression of your soul's urge is to connect in a mystical way with others. Although your aspirations are lofty, you are also a humanitarian who is often gifted with a sharp intuition and keen analytical skills. Often you give up opportunities that should be yours, simply to help another. This is because your faith in yourself, god and the future is so strong that you live by your conviction that the universe is always unfolding as it should. Others simply do not possess your spiritual sophistication and may be amused or repelled by what they see as your irrational talk or beliefs. You may be accused of being stupid or foolish simply because you won't take the bait (of a job or money) at the expense of your ethics. Compared to the other numbers you excel at letting go of lovers or opportunities simply because you know you can't take emotions and material goods with you when you die. As you are driven more by compassion than common sense, you are the first to fall on your sword for a worthy cause. You may often be broke because you see money only as a tool of change. You would much rather spend money on art, charity or a trip. In fact, ostentatious displays of wealth anger and disgust you because your ideal is a world where all humans are equal. You might appear very eccentric to others who don't quite understand your fascination with the spiritual world or your insistence on being a seeker of truth. Furthermore nines tend to get carried away when it comes to trying to heal or connect to others. The biggest mistake you could make is to try and be an "agent of karma" by meddling or interfering in other people's affairs. As you are so talented psychically, you often become a liability in business simply because people in authority resent your ability to perceive their secrets. You rarely rise very high on the corporate ladder simply because others see you as a threat to their cloak of political intrigue. You have a soul that must be continually assured and fed with new sources of spiritual information. To stay healthy, your psyche may require that you make special trips to holy or mystical places. You may have to seek out special teaching to help you understand and cultivate your talents so that you are in control, as opposed to terrorized by them. Being able to foresee the future or see through other people is often painful, so some therapy might be required in your life to help you detach from your own sensitivity. One of the sins you are most vulnerable to is spiritual pride. This can bring you situations that cause your faith to be seriously tested or where your pride can take a big fall. Many nines often find themselves subject to a lesson in becoming humble by the cosmos simply because they were too boastful of their talents. Making money off of your psychic talents may also cause you some problems, as part of your path is to heal without the expectation of reward. If you are working professionally as a psychic and are a nine, then remember to tithe at least one tenth of your earnings towards a worthy cause. However the highest calling of your soul urge is to share your intuitive talents for free.

What they said about Randy:

Randy, your Life Path of 5 ...

You are about freedom, independence and the right to follow where your heart and gut-instincts lead you in life. You are an inquisitive soul with many questions that can only be answered through travel, exploration and experiencing a variety of life situations. For this reason you are likely to relocate to various cities or countries during your life and also entertain a number of life partners as opposed to just one soul mate.You are best suited to freelance work or being your own boss as stuffy offices and rigid routines are deadly to your imagination and soul. You are a great lover of human nature as well as one of it's greatest observers, which is why you would make a good archaeologist, historian, writer, journalist, reporter or artist. You are great at dealing with people and also do well in any "front line" occupation. For instance many crisis workers, emergency care workers and leaders of self- groups are fives. You need a job that allows you to meet a lot of people as well as brings you a variety of interesting experiences. You also have quite a spiritual bent to your personality that may send you on many personal vision quests. It is not unusual for a 5 to also belong to many different religions during his or her life or suddenly in mid-life to drop everything in pursuit of a life-style that is the complete opposite of the former one. One of your challenges is learning how to not waste time. Your perception of time is somewhat distorted which is why you are often late to meetings or sometimes unable to meet deadlines. Novelties and new ideas also easily distract you so sometimes it is difficult for you to choose a career or lifestyle and stick with it. As a result, others may also find you indecisive and frustrating to deal with. Another challenge that you face on your life path is being overly irresponsible. Many 5's have a habit of taking off when the going gets rough. You tend be quite casual about your relationships and have a great deal of trouble managing any type of emotional crisis. You may even experience panic at the idea of commitment, as you don't like the idea of being responsible to another person. For this reason, many of you have a number of serial relationships rather than just one life long love. If you are unable to physically escape circumstances that you can't emotionally handle or don't like, you are also prone to escaping through substance abuse. This is part of the unpleasant self-indulgent trait that is part of many number 5 personalities. Finding one focus and sticking with it is definitely your biggest life challenge. Most 5's are multitalented but they never stay in one place long enough for one of their projects to grow and blossom. Seeing things through to completion is the best way to make sure that you don't suffer poverty or bitterness in your later years. One of your greatest talents is the ability to communicate, either verbally or through the written word. Your expansive observations of life plus your ability to see all points of view makes you an excellent teacher. Most 5's end up teaching at one point in their life so others can benefit from the rich tapestry of their life experience. You are also a daring spirit that has a love of adventure. You are usually very physically fit and enjoy good health for your entire life if you stay away from overindulging in drink and food.

Randy, your Expression of 3 ... Your Potential Natural Talents and Abilities

Randy, your Soul Urge of 8 ...What You Desire To Be, To Have, and To Do In Your Life

You are one of the most spiritual complex and misunderstood numbers. Your ability to create wealth often fills your life with difficult relationships. Others may try to take advantage of you or try to make you feel guilty for your success. You are probably used to being described as greedy or shallow but usually the opposite is true. Often your devotion to keeping the free exchange of money flowing costs you dearly personally either through overwork or thanklessness from others. In essence your number is about exchange - the exchange of things for profit. Although you are materially oriented you are not spiritually bereft. In fact, one of your most sophisticated spiritual qualities is your belief that all should wealthy and that all should benefit from your endeavors. The highest expression of your soul urge number is when you are at the top of the food chain and dispensing goodies down to those who work for you or love you. You are very trustworthy individual who is entrusted often with the task of caring completely for other people's livelihoods. This is a huge responsibility and many simply don't understand the challenge. You are blessed with the tools that come in hand with being a great leader - foresight, analytical abilities and a great understanding of human nature. Your ability to sell ice to an Eskimo comes from a truly grounded and practical understanding of the wants and needs of humans. You are very astute when it comes to choosing partners and employees. You always assign people to roles that best suit their talents and resources and so that all benefit from your grand plans. Usually it is an eight that facilitates the building of a church, day care center or opera house. Art and the theater truly do appeal to your brilliant mind. Many of you are excellent when it comes to choosing talent and putting it to work in your organization. You may also privately support an artist that you believe is adding beauty, meaning and order to the world. Another soul energy that drives you is your need to demonstrate the circulation of love and prosperity in your life. If you are not making money, it seems to you like you are not being favored by the Gods or that you are on the wrong path. Like feng shui masters, you see the circulation of wealth in your life as evidence that love is blossoming in your life as well. This is because you are as equally concerned with attaining spiritual riches as you are material riches. Many of you are natural born feng shui masters and have innate understanding of the use of space. For you beauty is a matter of form following function, so if it is useful it is beautiful to you. This is why many eights end up funding the design of grand buildings or malls or creating large corporations or organizations. In Biblical terms, you are the one who knows how to divide up a single fish to feed thousands. You are also an extraordinarily kind person and one of your challenges may be about deciding who is a good risk to lend money to or not. For this reason, you can always expect some losses in your life due to the lending of money. If you are stolen from, your highest spiritual calling is to forgive the debt and realize that others simply don't have the same natural knack for creating wealth that you do.

Princess Sophia & Crawl the Warrior King

2005-12-20T13:48:00.000-05:00

I have yet to enjoy (fully) my Christmas gift from Randy. But hopefully Princess Sophia doesn't replace the much loved and cherished Crawl the Warrior King.....lol....

Brave man!! You are such a brave man!

I love you!

And Mrs. Sprinkles will always love you first...no matter what!

Blogity blog blog blog...

2005-12-19T13:09:00.000-05:00

Some stuff you don't know about me:

You Have a Phlegmatic Temperament

Mild mannered and laid back, you take life at a slow pace.You are very consistent - both in emotions and actions.You tend to absorb set backs easily. You are cool and collected.
It is difficult to offend you. You can remain composed and unemotional.You are a great friend and lover. You don't demand much of others.While you are quiet, you have a subtle wit that your friends know well.
At your worst, you are lazy and unwilling to work at anything.You often get stuck in a rut, without aspirations or dreams.You can get too dependent on others, setting yourself up for abandonment.

What Temperament Are You?

Suppose it has some truth to it....

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.
You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.
Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.
In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

WhatAre The Keys To Your Heart?

Ha ha, love is always wanted and needed here...

Your Hair Should Be Orange

Expressive, deep, and one of a kind.You pull off "weird" well - hardly anyone notices.

What's Your Funky Inner Hair Color?

Orange, who'd a thunk it?

How You Are In Love

You fall in love quickly and easily. And very often.
You give and take equally in relationships.
You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time.
You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.
You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

Eh, yeah...I think that is true...

Your Birth Month is May

Unique and creative, you seek your own path in life.You love change and are able to adapt to any situation.
Your soul reflects: Sweetness, joy, and a complete life.
Your gemstone: Emerald
Your flower: Lily of the Valley
Your colors: Yellow, red, and green

What Does Your Birth Month Mean?

Not so true about change, but whatever...

You are Agnostic

You're not sure if God exists, and you don't care.For you, there's no true way to figure out the divine.You rather focus on what you can control - your own life.And you tend to resent when others "sell" religion to you.

What's Your Religious Philosophy?

Guess I have another thing in common with you, Randy....Who knew?

You Are 40% Weird

Normal enough to know that you're weird...But too damn weird to do anything about it!

How Weird Are You?

I think I'm a little weirder than just 40 %....

Your Personality Is

Guardian (SJ)
You are sensible, down to earth, and goal oriented.Bottom line, you are good at playing by the rules.
You tend to be dominant - and you are a natural leader.You are interested in rules and order. Morals are important to you.
A hard worker, you give your all at whatever you do.You're very serious, and people often tell you to lighten up.
In love, you tend to take things carefully and slowly.
At work, you are suited to almost any career - but you excel in leadership positions.
With others, you tend to be polite and formal.
As far as looks go, you are traditionally attractive. You take good care of yourself.
On weekends, you tend to like to do organized activities. In fact, you often organize them!

The Three Question Personality Test

Ha ha, so true about the weekend thing....and I have never considered myself a leader...but I am a very dominant personality....lol......

Slow and Steady

Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy.
They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder.
It'd really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment.
They expect you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then usually decide against it.

How Do People See You?

Ya'll think I'm BORING!!!

What Your Sleeping Position Says

You are secretly sensitive, but you often put up a front.Shy and private, you yearn for security.You take relationships slowly. You need lots of reassurances before you can trust.

What Does Your Sleeping Position Say About You?

All that from a sleeping position....

Your Personality Profile

You are dreamy, peaceful, and young at heart.Optimistic and caring, you tend to see the best in people.You tend to be always smiling - and making others smile.
You are shy and intelligent... and a very hard worker.You're also funny, but many people don't see your funny side.Your subtle dry humor leaves your close friends in stitches.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

If only it were true...

Your Blogging Type is Unique and Avant Garde

You're a bit ... unusual. And so is your blog.You're impulsive, and you'll often post the first thing that pops in your head.Completely uncensored, you blog tends to shock... even though that's not your intent.You tend to change your blog often, experimenting with new designs and content.

What's Your Blogging Personality?

I suppose there's some truth to this...

Your Seduction Style: Au Natural

You rank up there with your seduction skills, though you might not know it.That's because you're a natural at seduction. You don't realize your power!The root of your natural seduction power: your innocence and optimism.
You're the type of person who happily plays around and creates a unique little world.Little do you know that your personal paradise is so appealing that it sucks people in.You find joy in everything - so is it any surprise that people find joy in you?
You bring back the inner child in everyone you meet with your sincere and spontaneous ways.Your childlike (but not childish) behavior also inspires others to care for you.As a result, those who you befriend and date tend to be incredibly loyal to you.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

Is this true, Randy?

At a loss for words...

2005-12-15T11:45:00.000-05:00

Seriously. I am. For the first time in awhile. Seems like this shouldn't last long. Or at least I hope it doesn't. Driving alone can make you think and contemplate about a lot of things. So yeah. I shall sort all my thoughts. And I will be back shortly.

It's my disease....I can't help it....

2005-12-07T10:45:00.000-05:00

If anger were a disease, I think I would seriously suffer from it. I guess in a way it is a disease. It gives me headaches, makes my heart ache, and makes me loose my appetite. I am a good worker, or else I wouldn't have all the good praise and awards that I have thus far. I know this. People tell me that all the time. But I hate when people keep pushing my buttons, when I have told them on more than one occassion to please stop before I stop. I suffer from keeping my emotions in check and being polite. I don't show my anger to people. I am passive-aggressive....Until I can't take anymore and I completely loose it all. It's hard writing this. Because I am about to cry. My mental health is deteriorating. I know this. I have seeked out the help for it but as of late that went to the wayside. My psycologist had a lot to say about my childhood and my behavior. It hurt to hear, and I have been trying to deal with it in my own way. But it's hard. Have you ever felt like you were drowning alone, even in a sea of other people? That's the best way I can describe how I feel. I don't know what it is that triggers it off here at work, maybe it's everything. Everything has changed and I don't know if it is for the better. But I feel very....surpressed...very cornerned. Like I will lash out at the next thing. I displace my anger and my feelings onto others....The results of this is a messy word throw-up that I end up regretting. All of this is incapacitating and if is all consuming me. The anger is infecting everything. Why am I so angry? What is making me so angry? EVERYTHING. That's just it. I don't know why. I am mad at myself mostly. For being a pushover. For not standing up for myself. For not defending myself. For not believing in myself. I have failed myself somewhow and I am no longer upset about it, just angry. I have forgotten how to love myself like I used to. I don't know why. I feel very alone in my anger, and the most excruciating part of all this is that I want to be alone in it. I want to revel in it. I want to be angry. I feel like I have the right to. I have beem far too kind for far too long. No more of this nice me. I am going to get everyone back for all the frustrations and tears I have cried. EVERYONE. I promise. Okay maybe not. I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror everyday, knowing that I had turned into a bitch. So what does one do when the anger is spreading in their hearts, kicking out the love that once was there? Can anger replace love?

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow....

2005-12-05T10:59:00.000-05:00

With Christmas and the other winter holidays fast approaching, I have contemplated quite a few things. I have seen "snow" or what we call snow in Texas. But I have never had snow be like how it is here on the East coast. It's scary. We are supposed to get 4 inches today...Four inches of snow....WTF? That's more snow that I have seen in my life...all at one time. And I have to drive home in it! Oh well, I suppose with all the wonderful drivers here, I shall expect maybe about 12 accidents on the way home. But yeah, as the merry season awaits us, I have sat here and thought of all I have gone through in this year. What a miserable year it has been, and I can't wait to start off 2006. I hope it is a better year for me, generally speaking. I shall sit here patiently waiting for all this to be over. I assume next year I will finally be able to accomplish more than I have in this past year. I know I haven't been good this year, so Santa...I honestly don't expect much from you. I shall stive to be a better little girl next year so I wont get coal lumps in my stocking again. I think I will also try to be a more patient, loving parent. It's hard at this time, because parenting can be so trying. Single parenting is down-right frustrating, and seeing as to which I am parenting a ruthless 2 year old, well I think I have my work cut out for me. My son gets bigger everyday, I see everything developing so quickly. He is growing like a weed, just shooting up and filling out. I see his mind sharpening, he is like a little sponge absorbing it all. I don't think he understand the whole divorce thing, because he still asks for his father here and there. Speaking of which, I thought we could be "friends" all enlightened and stuff, but I can't friends with an asshole. Yeah, he finds way to screw me over everyday. Isn't it enough that I have let him have everything, gave him child support, plus paid for all the divorce stuff, moved out and tried to make his life easier? No, he has to find ways to fuck with me. But I guess that's life....and that's wonderful, right? NO...I am trying to do the right thing. And it just bugs me. He already got a new house, new car...and is doing just fine. While I am here in my crappy apartment, in this shitty place, away from my family. Trying to be a single mother in this world full of inconsiderate, judgemental people. And then I wonder, does he do a whole sob story to get the ladies? I wonder. Does he tell them that I was a bitch, that I cheated on him, that he was absolutely perfect? Well, sorry ladies NOT all true. Yes, I was a bitch, but only towards the end. Yes, I cheated on him, but again only towards the end. And no he was not perfect. He would never help, would leave me with a newborn for days at a time so he could "party", would have high expectations of me, and expect certain sexual favors....So no he wasn't perfect. He wasn't sweet, kind, loving. No...he wasn't. And neither was I towards the end. But you know what, I may not be wealthy or have everything that I may necessarily want or crave. But I have a wonderful boyfriend and an even more wonderful son. And their love alone is enough to fill up my bank account....maybe not in money....but in love. So I am actually a lot wealthier than most. And for that I am thankful. No this is not a ex-husband bashing session, just want to remind myself of all the wonderful things that I have. I am a lucky woman. Yes, I am.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

2005-12-01T07:52:00.000-05:00

"Live in each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each."

It is looking like Christmas, except for my house. I love this holiday, not my absolute favorite, but I love it anyway. I don't have a tree, or lights, or bells...or stockings or anything to really remind me of Christmas, yet all around it is prevalent. I think this year, I shall boycott Christmas. I have never been a person to do things half assed, and since I can't go all out this year, why even do it? I hate the fact that I am 1600 miles away from where I want to be. Away from my family for the first time, ever. And I don't know too many people here, so I don't just want to crash in on someone else's yuletide celebrations. And I have to work, so it sucks. I just wish I could go home. See my family. See their faces light up as they open their gifts. That's the best part right there. Seeing them and their open, honest faces. I will miss that. It will be a lonely Christmas in my dad's house. My brother and I are both on opposite coasts. Randy will be in Ohio. Walker will be in Texas. It sucks! Oh well, so here it is I am officially boycotting Christmas. It's not happening this year. Send out the memo to everyone, okay? Thank you, and good day!

And that's wonderful, and that's life.....

2005-11-30T12:20:00.000-05:00

"Then I see you standing there, Wanting more from me, And all I can do is try, I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness, And all the real people are really not real at all, The more I learn the more I cry, As I say goodbye to the way of life, I thought I had designed for me"

I have this pocket on my board labeled "Pocketfull of Wishes". I have yet to actually put a wish in there, for I have grown to disbelieve wishing will actually accomplish anything in this world. So here I go, maybe if I write them down, I can actually start trying to make these come true. So here goes:

I wish for patience. I need it desperately like I need air. I need to be more patient in all my undertakings in the world.
I wish for unconditional love. Open, free love; not necessarily open relationships, but real and trusting love that actually lasts longer than I can hope for.
I wish to understand others better. To be able to communicate without judgement, without lies, without my lack of compassion for others.
I wish to grant every wish my son has to him. I never want to fail him. I want to be his beloved, as he is mine.
I wish to be a more loyal friend. It's not that I think I am a bad friend, I just tend to get wrapped up in the moment and forget to keep in touch with those near and dear to my heart.
I wish to succesfully make someone in this world happy. I mean truly happy. To make them feel fulfilled however I can.
I wish to learn how to become a photographer.
I wish to make my son's childhood happy. I know I can do a lot more with what I have, but I don't think I have made the effort.
I wish I were a better "soldier".
I wish that I didn't give up on my many endeavors, from the smallest ones to the larger goals that I have made for myself.
I wish I could learn how not to be disappointed with people. Or maybe I should learn how not to expect so much, yet receive so little.
I wish to be able to give 110% of me all the time, to everyone. No exceptions!
I wish that I can actually open up all parts of my heart and let love in. I am still learning how to do this. And I'm getting better at it, but I still have many doors closed inside. If only I can find the proper keys to succeed in this.
I wish to know myself before I settle down again (if I ever do again!). I want to know that I have been able to take care of myself, before I rely on someone else to be there for me.
I wish to be free from all the demons that still haunt my heart. I need to learn forgiveness for myself and others who have trampled on my heart.

"Most plain girls are virtuous because of the scarcity of opportunity to be otherwise."

Material Things

Entertainment Center
Entertainment system
Bookshelves
Computer desk
Cable/Internet
Phone (both cell and house)
Clothes
Shoes (especially some nice black books or FMBs)
Dresser for my room
Bedroom set
Digital camera
New car seat
TV and DVD player for Gabe
A gift card to a nice salon so I can get my hair "did"

Now I don't think I will get any of these things anytime soon, just because I am only an e4 with a lot of bills, trying to take care of a 2 year old, and trying to get back on my feet. I just wanted to write all this stuff down. I guess to make me feel better, like maybe I'm not the only materialistic person in the world.

New Experiences....

2005-11-28T11:49:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving weekend was a lot of fun, and I also got to experience a lot of new things. Some of these I have actually never done or experienced..actually all of them! So, I decided I would list them here, for your enjoyment.

Saw real snow falling on Wednesday night. It was absolutely beautiful. It looked like what I have seen on tv my whole life. I can't wait for it to snow again. It was amazing!
I cooked my first turkey, actually my first Thanksgiving dinner, and it was good. No one complained and they seemed to enjoy it! I was really worried!
I morphed into my mother on Thursday. I totally melted down on Thursday afternoon. I was really stressing, and just feeling like a failure as a parent. It is so hard to be a single parent. I realized that on Thursday.
I kept up with all the dirty dishes most of Thursday. I invited people to my house and didn't freak out the whole time they were there. I actually was at ease.
I saw Randy "dressed-up" on Thursday. My, oh, my....did he look scrumptious!
I didn't wear make-up all day on Thursday. Can you believe it?
I posed in lingerie for Randy, and I let him take a picture (to keep him occupied when he leaves me, I suppose?).
I went to Lakeforest mall and didn't buy a thing. I know, I KNOW!!! They even had a sale at Express (my fave store) and I didn't spend a dime!
I started baking things I have never baked before, and they were good!
I didn't get all my stuff ready for this morning and I slept in until 5:10 this morning.
I was super patient with Gabe this morning, and I even stayed a couple minutes with him at Daycare, even though I was 5 minutes late already.
I thought about actually trying to talk to my boss-lady and tell her that I wish she wasn't such a high riding bitch with me, but I haven't, yet!