Will I ever make it home....
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
And that's wonderful, and that's life.....
"Then I see you standing there, Wanting more from me, And all I can do is try, I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness, And all the real people are really not real at all, The more I learn the more I cry, As I say goodbye to the way of life, I thought I had designed for me"

I have this pocket on my board labeled "Pocketfull of Wishes". I have yet to actually put a wish in there, for I have grown to disbelieve wishing will actually accomplish anything in this world. So here I go, maybe if I write them down, I can actually start trying to make these come true. So here goes:

  1. I wish for patience. I need it desperately like I need air. I need to be more patient in all my undertakings in the world.
  2. I wish for unconditional love. Open, free love; not necessarily open relationships, but real and trusting love that actually lasts longer than I can hope for.
  3. I wish to understand others better. To be able to communicate without judgement, without lies, without my lack of compassion for others.
  4. I wish to grant every wish my son has to him. I never want to fail him. I want to be his beloved, as he is mine.
  5. I wish to be a more loyal friend. It's not that I think I am a bad friend, I just tend to get wrapped up in the moment and forget to keep in touch with those near and dear to my heart.
  6. I wish to succesfully make someone in this world happy. I mean truly happy. To make them feel fulfilled however I can.
  7. I wish to learn how to become a photographer.
  8. I wish to make my son's childhood happy. I know I can do a lot more with what I have, but I don't think I have made the effort.
  9. I wish I were a better "soldier".
  10. I wish that I didn't give up on my many endeavors, from the smallest ones to the larger goals that I have made for myself.
  11. I wish I could learn how not to be disappointed with people. Or maybe I should learn how not to expect so much, yet receive so little.
  12. I wish to be able to give 110% of me all the time, to everyone. No exceptions!
  13. I wish that I can actually open up all parts of my heart and let love in. I am still learning how to do this. And I'm getting better at it, but I still have many doors closed inside. If only I can find the proper keys to succeed in this.
  14. I wish to know myself before I settle down again (if I ever do again!). I want to know that I have been able to take care of myself, before I rely on someone else to be there for me.
  15. I wish to be free from all the demons that still haunt my heart. I need to learn forgiveness for myself and others who have trampled on my heart.

"Most plain girls are virtuous because of the scarcity of opportunity to be otherwise."

Material Things

  • Entertainment Center
  • Entertainment system
  • Bookshelves
  • Computer desk
  • Cable/Internet
  • Phone (both cell and house)
  • Clothes
  • Shoes (especially some nice black books or FMBs)
  • Dresser for my room
  • Bedroom set
  • Digital camera
  • New car seat
  • TV and DVD player for Gabe
  • A gift card to a nice salon so I can get my hair "did"

Now I don't think I will get any of these things anytime soon, just because I am only an e4 with a lot of bills, trying to take care of a 2 year old, and trying to get back on my feet. I just wanted to write all this stuff down. I guess to make me feel better, like maybe I'm not the only materialistic person in the world.

posted by The Devil @ 12:20 PM   0 comments
Monday, November 28, 2005
New Experiences....


Thanksgiving weekend was a lot of fun, and I also got to experience a lot of new things. Some of these I have actually never done or experienced..actually all of them! So, I decided I would list them here, for your enjoyment.

  1. Saw real snow falling on Wednesday night. It was absolutely beautiful. It looked like what I have seen on tv my whole life. I can't wait for it to snow again. It was amazing!
  2. I cooked my first turkey, actually my first Thanksgiving dinner, and it was good. No one complained and they seemed to enjoy it! I was really worried!
  3. I morphed into my mother on Thursday. I totally melted down on Thursday afternoon. I was really stressing, and just feeling like a failure as a parent. It is so hard to be a single parent. I realized that on Thursday.
  4. I kept up with all the dirty dishes most of Thursday. I invited people to my house and didn't freak out the whole time they were there. I actually was at ease.
  5. I saw Randy "dressed-up" on Thursday. My, oh, my....did he look scrumptious!
  6. I didn't wear make-up all day on Thursday. Can you believe it?
  7. I posed in lingerie for Randy, and I let him take a picture (to keep him occupied when he leaves me, I suppose?).
  8. I went to Lakeforest mall and didn't buy a thing. I know, I KNOW!!! They even had a sale at Express (my fave store) and I didn't spend a dime!
  9. I started baking things I have never baked before, and they were good!
  10. I didn't get all my stuff ready for this morning and I slept in until 5:10 this morning.
  11. I was super patient with Gabe this morning, and I even stayed a couple minutes with him at Daycare, even though I was 5 minutes late already.
  12. I thought about actually trying to talk to my boss-lady and tell her that I wish she wasn't such a high riding bitch with me, but I haven't, yet!
posted by The Devil @ 11:49 AM   0 comments
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Things I am Thankful For....
With Thanksgiving being tomorrow, I have noticed that I never take a moment to reflect back on all the blessings in my life. I have my own place, not fully furnished but with the essentials, I have a healthy, beautiful (if at times frustrating!) 2 year old, I have a steady job, my health, a great boyfriend (who treats me much too good!), and a very close-knit family (albeit in Texas, but still close to each other in spirit). I am thankful for having another day to live, to breath, to experience the beautiful world around me. Maryland, although not my favorite place to be in, is beautiful at this time of year. There is fall outside, something I have never truly experienced in Texas, but it's wonderful. The leaves on the trees are magnificently beautiful. It's just gorgeous outside. The air smells crisp and just so seasonal to me. I am not used to that smell, but I have grown to like it. I'm not a fan of cold weather, but it's nice to wear layers of clothing (hides the fat ass!), and to be able to purchase my first scarf, my first winter hat, and my first pair of real gloves. It's awesome! I have never seen snow, and who knows? They predicted snow for Thanksgiving, so we'll see! I can't wait. I am cooking my first Thanksgiving dinner (with the major assitance of Jareh!), and we are going to have a bunch of our families together. It's going to be rather interesting. Oh, Randy cooked for me last night, it was soooooooo good. I couldn't believe it! I ate so much I wanted to puke, it was that good. Yeah, I don't deserve him at all. I don't know what I have done to deserve such a wonderful person in my life, but man, am I GLAD! So in giving thanks....Here goes.
  • For having Gabriel as my child, even though he frustrates me and I get so pissed off at him a lot of the time because he wont listen. I still love him unconditionally.
  • For Randy, because he loves me and treats me better than I have ever been treated. He listens to me rant and doesn't complain.
  • For my family. Yes, we are a big mess and we have so much drama, but we love each other and are always there when we need each other.
  • For my ex-husband. Odd, maybe? But he taught me a lot about relationships and what I am willing to sacrifice in them. I have learned about who I am, and who I refuse to be.
  • For the people I work with. Yes, they get on my nerves, but they have been a mini-support group when I was down on my luck.
  • For every bad and good experience I have had. They have molded me into the person that I am today.
  • For being in the Army. I have proved just about everyone wrong about me. I'm not a little sissy girl, dammit!
  • For the people who donated all the wonderful food that I shall cook for Thanksgiving.
  • For all the people who will take a chance and eat my Thanksgiving dinner....lol...
  • For cat naps, in the middle of the day, when you are tired.
  • For Child Support Checks arriving just in time.
  • For bed time stories, so I can spend an extra 15 minutes being silly with my son.
  • For being able to sleep in sometimes.
  • For my morning coffee and smoke, before I have to start the day.
  • For hot showers, followed by a warm towel.
  • For make-up to cover unexpected pimples and hickeys.....lol....
  • For daydreaming, goals, dreams, hope, and faith.
  • For my warm blanket, and my wonderful body pillow...that huge bed also helps...it's like buttah.
  • For my heated leather seats....yum, toasty butt!
posted by The Devil @ 1:48 PM   0 comments
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Mind your own business....

I'm getting a little tired of everyone getting in my business. What ever do I mean by this? I mean people who I don't feel like sharing information with, who go out snooping around in my business just because their lives totally suck. Yes, I am happy to be who I am with. And yes, I know what I am doing. And no, I don't owe you shit. So please stop going behind my back asking shit about me cus you lack the cojones to actually sit down and talk to me like a person and you wanna act like a damn school girl. Yes, you big, fat, ol' sissy..I said you are acting like a school girl. Horrible. Just fucking' horrible. And people wonder why so many people hate the military. It's like being permanently trapped in high school. AAARRGGHHH....
posted by The Devil @ 1:48 PM   0 comments
Fucking Fucked-up Fuckers!

I hate how people drive here. Granted I took off later than I usually do, but still. The people here insist on getting in the HOV lane and going....a staggering 45 fucking miles an hour! What the SHIT?! Are you fucking kidding me? If you aren't in a hurry to get to work then get the fuck out of my WAY! Is that so hard to understand? Maybe in Texas they teach us how to drive differently, and seriously (the drivers here make all the immigrants in Texas seem like excellent drivers..and that's not saying much!) how do these people get liscenses? Who the hell is at the DPS...or DMV whatever the fuck it is called here and handing out these things...Did everyone go trick or treating to the DMV and get free liscenses? Oh sure, you can drive hazardously, that's great you'll fit right in, with ever other dumbass motherfucker on the road. And what is up with no one knowing what lane they wanna be in? Is it just me or do I feel like I have to bob and weave in the lanes while I'm trying to make my trip back home? Is this actually necessary? I mean it's like everyone can't possibly be drunk at 5:45 am on a Tuesday...so why the unnecessary driving tactics? I don't get it. I have almost had a numerous amount of accidents and have only lived here for a little over 3 months. And I can proudly say that none of them have had me at fault. I'm a good driver, yes, I speed...But I am not aggressive. It's hard to be that way, especially with a 2 year old throwing cheerios in my hair. No he is not a distraction to me when I drive, I keep my eyes on the road, it's hard not to here. Cus if you look away for a second everyone slams on their brakes. What is up with that anyways? Everything will be all cool, and going you know maybe a little faster than usual, then all of a sudden....once you hit like 45...you come to a complete stop! WTF? Are you kidding me? Should it really take over an hour to drive 15 miles? Shit, when I was in Texas it would take me an hour and maybe 45 minutes to get from San Antonio to Houston...a whopping 187 miles. It takes me almost 2 hours to drive from MD to NoVa. So anywho...I'm just tired of this place. I wish I could go back to where I belong: in Texas...and not be here dealing with this shit. Aaargh.....Happy hump day!
posted by The Devil @ 7:02 AM   1 comments
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Thinking back in time....

"Someone said that love was blind, but they were wrong. You just choose to not see. When it's right before your eyes. You'd rather compromise than give your all. Then, it don't turn out the way it's supposed to be. Time and time again you disappoint when she believes. Just give her what she wants and what she needs. And give her your all. Tell her she's right where she belongs. Take care of her heart. Before she's gone."-Brian McKnight, artist


So I wanted to post a couple of random thoughts in no particular order here, for your viewing pleasure.


  • I used to think that I could count all the stars.
  • I'm eating dorito's and guacamole.
  • I write in my journal in spanish, so ya'll whities can't read it and understand it.
  • I write letters to people and never give them to the recipient.
  • I enjoy cleaning the bathroom.
  • I hate washing dishes.
  • I work with crazy people, we are mad scientists...bwua ha ha ha...
  • I am always hungry.
  • I just drank Pepsi.
  • I used to think thatI would grow up and be like Ally McBeal.
  • I know how to play the b flat Clarinet.
  • I was a cheerleader in high school, but not Type A at all.
  • I used to think the New Kids on the Block were awesome.
  • I named my son Gabriel, after I met this guy when I was 15 who had that name and was sexy.
  • I slept with someone who looked like Ricky Martin.
  • I sang Karaoke almost everyday for a couple months when I was an alchoholic...Good times!
  • I love Randy, and I'm about to go see him in a bit.
  • I like when I burp and can taste a little bit of food..yummy!
  • I'm about to go home...whatever that is.
  • I made spaghetti last night, it was okay...but Randy liked it.
posted by The Devil @ 2:57 PM   2 comments
Monday, November 14, 2005
Motivating Monday Music


Different Music to motivate you...Couldn't find the actual MP3s for some of these guys...but check out their sites...most of them have music on them...check it out and enjoy. Happy Manic Monday!

This band has awesome instumentals, classic and clean. Nothing overly done, the vocals are serene and the sound is just comforting. Good stuff for a Monday, not too busy, and just soft enough to wake you up without pissing you off, even if you haven't had enough sleep or coffee, yet.

  • John Butler Trio

  • This guy's voice is soulful and just reminds me of ol' school music. He has a honest, raspy quality that invites you to keep listening. It is sexy, yet smart. I highly recommend him for those who like the soft set of music, think Jazz, ya'll.

  • Marc Broussard


  • This is an old band that I have loved for awhile and I just love sharing them with people. Ya'll have probably heard of them. Had a couple singles back in like 2000. I think they are a talented bunch and they should keep making beautiful music! Well, they have a pretty new album (Mar. '05) and it's good stuff...You can sample it here:

  • Dishwalla

  • This band is awesome, I think they are my new favorite band. The singer has an awesome voice, it stands out agaisn't the music. The lyrics are intelligable and just touch an innate part of me that is sensitive and I don't wanna get into, at this moment! I think you should check it out, you might like it.

  • Ingram Hill

  • These guys are real old and their song "Fade into you" gets played on many teen movies, but they are a rocking band, and I still love their unique sound, the lead singer has an amazing voice plus the band instrumentals add some real flair to their simple songs. Well, it makes for a perfectly different combination...like peanut butter and jelly, and who can resist that? Enjoy!

  • Mazzy Star

  • This has been one of my favorite bands for about a year now. They rock. They are a little mellow, but every now and then they throw in a little punk in there to mix it up. "She Says" was the first I heard of them, but they also sing "Seeing Red" one of those songs that's just great to listen to anytime. They have smart lyrics that have catchy choruses that will surely make them a favorite of yours, too!

  • Unwritten Law

    Another new band, getting a lot of play on MTV and even on the radio here and there. I like the sound that they create. Very talented frontman, incredible voice! I love it, soothing and yet, makes me wanna get up and jump around! Perfect for Monday! Good stuff. Punky enough for Monday. Savor the flavor, 'cus "Sugar we're going down"!!(Yes, I realize how gay that was!)
  • Fall Out Boy

  • Another band that I sort of learned to love, gradually. They have a very different sound, but their songs have this Je ne sais quois quality that keeps me coming back for more. And now I got my son bopping his head to these tunes. "Be my Escape" is one of my all-time favorite songs. They mix a lot of genres but it all comes out to be good stuff. Check it out!

  • Relient K

  • Alright, that's enough for now. Have fun, ya'll!
    posted by The Devil @ 12:31 PM   0 comments
    Sunday, November 13, 2005
    Numerology


    So I found this site. Yeah, don't know how..and well I started looking around and it had all this odd information. So I plugged in my information..and this is what it said about my name:
    My Destiny Number:
    2. You are like a seasoned diplomatic when it comes to handling people. You know how to tactfully deal with others; yet you are gracious in your manners that make others feel good about themselves and you get the job done in the process.
    My Heart Number:
    5. Persons with the 5 soul urge always crave for freedom, excitement, adventure. In the process he encounters all sorts of unexpected events. Seeking freedom, he does not like to stay in the same job for long - even in love affairs he is very changeable. In a positive sense, the energies of the number 5 make them very adaptable, versatile & enthusiastic. The negative side of 5 is that they are not particularly concerned about their future or about getting ahead, they can seem superficial and lacking in motivation. They can be overly restless and impatient at times, intensely disliking the routine work that they are engaged in. Hence they lose their focus and tend to jump from activity to activity, without ever finishing anything. Unlike 4 they face difficulties with responsibility & commitment.
    Talent Type:
    6. You are the humanitarian type with strong family bonds. You are generous, kind, sympathetic and responsible. People can count on you for your loyalty & dependability. You are a creative and artistic person who likes a harmonius environment at home. However many, including your family members, might try to take advantage of your generosity. Your ego for recognition can easily make you fall for flattery. Other negative traits include being fussy, arrogant & complacent. Sometimes you create new enemies by being too much candid & outspoken.
    My Challenge Type:
    2. The Number 2 Challenge is quite common. Try not to be too sensitive or emotional, it might give way to a complete lack of self confidence, fear & timidity. Do not be unduly influenced by what others have to say & get over the feeling of subordination to ensure success in all your endeavors. Try to resolve dualities & manage details patiently. Relationships will challenge you.
    And all this time I try to figure myself out and these people have a website? Ugh...Happy fuckin' Sunday!



    P.S. Here's the site for ya'll curious ones:
  • Click Here
  • posted by The Devil @ 3:47 PM   2 comments
    Saturday, November 12, 2005
    A Little Story

    nce upon a time...there was a girl who loved to dance and sing. She enjoyed running around Bear Creek Park in Texas. She was about to graduate out of high school and had plans to join the military. She was a simple girl, with big dreams, and an idealistic view of life. She believed people were good, and were incapable of doing real harm to others. She was high on life, and ecstasy. She had her future ahead of her and had big plans for what she would become. So upon graduation, she left for the military. Once there, she regretted her decision. She thought that she would never accomplish what she had set out to do. Everyone was right, she thought. But alas, this young maiden found the inner strenght to persevere and continue on her journey to find herself, as an adult.

    She left for school, after her basic training, still with idealistic views of life, even though they were mired now after witnessing an attack on her homeland. She studied hard, and played harder in school. She was drunk on the military lifestyle, and it suited her. She had succeded when all thought she would fail. And it was so that she ended up getting her first "assignment" in San Antonio. Close to home, and a good place to start to use her newfound knowledge. She met a boy. It wasn't love at first sight. But they ended up together anyways. They did everything together. He wanted more commitment from her, but she was young and wanted to find herself and to be able to explore this new world. He wanted children, and a house. She wanted parties, college, a dog, and a studio apartment. She wanted to live out her youth in solitude. He wanted to tie her down with bills, children, marriage, and a mortgage. She resisted, but for nothing. This young princess found out she was pregnant!

    What was she to do? This young girl, who never planned on having her own children or being married? What was she going to do? She didn't want to disappoint her parents by having a fatherless child. And the father of said unborn child demanded marriage. She wanted to runaway. And flee her problems, as that was what she was accustomed to. But this was a problem that would follow her where ever she chose to run. So undecidedly, she married in haste. It was not the wedding she had ever planned. She wore black. The color of mourning. She mourned her lost youth, her lost freedom, her lost childhood. For now she was entering adulthood, full speed ahead. And what a disaster that turned out to be.

    They got a house, this girl and boy, now husband and wife. And prepared for the child. A dog was welcomed. And it was marvelous at first. Almost the ideal life one would want in said circumstances. They lived and breathed their new lives, esctatic of what was to come. The girl had her child and fell in love the way she always dreamed, but never for a child always a man. How could she have not wanted this for herself, she asked. Their lives were perfect, or so it seemed.

    She played mommy to this child, as best she could, falling short of expectations that were held by her husband's family. She disappointed them. They disappointed her. She started to resent them, and said husband for lack of support and understanding. She was called an overbearing mother, too young and naive to really know how to be good enough, they said. They dissected her every decision and questioned the paternity, her, and her parenting skills. She fell hard. But not into love with her husband. She fell into hatred. What a thin line, between love and hate, they said. She could no longer keep on with this passive-agressive role she had taken. Constantly defending herself. It was a war zone, and she was never born a fighter. She was tired, weak, and had lost all hope to someday be good enough for someone.

    He left. For six months. Because of his job. She stayed alone. For a couple months. His friends would come and go at first, being supportive. Then they all stopped coming around. He left her broke, with a young, sick baby to care for on her own. She dropped her college courses before she even began. Her dreams of becoming an educated woman were ruined. Not by a child, but by a man. Who was supposed to love, honor and obey her, and vice versa. Or so said vows were said the previous year. Then along came a man, disguising himself as a friend.

    He was understanding. He cared. She liked him. Developed feelings that were stupid for him. She let him in. Not only in her heart but in herself. Then, husband was coming back. She left friend. Sadly and tearfully, but she left him. It was hard to let him go. He opened up a part of her that would never fully close. She demanded divorce from husband. He laughed. Then cried. Asked for a second chance. And after a second of reconsideration, she accepted it. Making a mental note that six months was all she would give him.

    Fast forward to eight months later. Same couple with a young child. Still married. Still miserable. Counseling was unfounded and unhelpful. She drank too much, bitched too much, was unhappy too much. He wanted more than she would give. She wanted more than he could offer. She was stubborn and worn down. Exhausted from a life she never desired for herself. But to other who looked in, it was a perfect union. No one suspected any resentment or hatred. He had started to lay hands on her. But she taught him a lesson once, and he learned it well. No more hands on this woman, end of story. Well, at least that one.

    She moved out, for the first time. He still came by everyday. She still cooked and cleaned for him. So what was the difference? She had no clue. But that is how it was. She met someone else. Someone who excited her and made her feel alive, when she had almost felt dead. He fulfilled the romance that she craved. And she thanked her God for sending such a wonderful blessing into her heart. He was great, or so she believed. He treated her child as though it were his own, and he treated her like gold. He was accepting of her mistakes and realized that she was not perfect. But that she would try to make him happy, whatever the cost. Then, he started to frighten her. She feared for her life and her son. She tried to leave him, but he insisted. He made her miserable. She couldn't find help. For he had isolated her, just as her husband had. She was stupid for making the same mistake twice in a row. She was thankful, when the military decided to move her again. This time, to Maryland. And off she went, this damsel-in-distress.

    She arrived to Maryland, alone. No friends, family, or aquantances in the immediate area. She had never truly been on her own. She got her own place. This time without the soon to be ex husband lounging around in his underwear, requesting food and beer. She had her own things. But most importantly, she had her own freedom. Something that can not be purchased. She was going to learn just how much her heart could take, on her own. She found her inner strenght again. She spoke for herself, and did as she pleased. She made a couple mistakes. Picked the wrong people and friends to be with, but she took them as learning experiences. She had learned to appreciate a good thing when she saw it.

    Then, one day at work, she saw someone that caught her eye. She was captivated by this person. He was tall, and just the cutest thing she had seen. He was what she had wanted. But she took her time with it. She didn't want to rush into anything again. And after all she had been through she was afraid that he might be mentally unstable, or abusive. Or just an asshole. But she would see him, and like him more each time they talked. He was genuinely sweet. Not saccharine or artificial. He was real. He asked her out. She ran away and laughed. Not in a mean way, but just balked at the idea. She was fearful of falling again. She took a chance. After much consideration, and just threw out her self doubts and insecurities out the window. She wanted to be open minded. If it wasn't romance he was after, maybe she would at least gain a good friend.

    Gradually, she started to fall for this mysteriously kind person. He was what she had wanted. Honest, kind, loving, caring, loyal and just overall a good person. She felt she had met her equal. And it was good. I would love to say they lived happily ever after. But I don't know if she has, yet. It became serious really quickly. He gave her the kind of commitment she longed for. And she was ever grateful for this. For she had finally found someone to make her feel good about herself, and he accepts her as she is. With the young child, ex-husband, flaws and all. So maybe sometime, I can tell you that this story has a happy ending. But I am still awaiting this answer. And they are, too.

    posted by The Devil @ 8:49 AM   2 comments
    Wednesday, November 09, 2005
    Jarhead
    So, yesterday..I went and watched Jarhead with my sweetheart. And to say the least, it was an awesome movie. I ahte war movies and stuff, and to see that it didn't mainly focus on the war in the gulf(Desert Storm) was rather refreshing. Instead the film depicts the story that a young Marine in that environment goes through. All the actors did an extraordinary job in making me feel as though I actually knew the characters as my own friends, instead of just lines they read. It was an awesome film, and Jamie Foxx is an outstanding actor, and to see him in this film is awesome. He actually reminded me of a couple Drill Sergeants I had in Basic and AIT. Jake Gyllenhaal, is fucking just so damn....HOT in this movie. He bulked up a lot, but he looks fabulous! The story was good. I think I might actually read the book, just to see how the film differs from it. I highly reccomend this movie to anyone. It's a good movie, that is raunchy and emotional, without being overwrought and overdone with the war. It is good to see that the characters are more realistic than on those on "Over there" or whatever the hell that show is called. They are all relatable and the gimmicks that they do, are what being in the "suck" is all about. I'm gonna have to call my brother and ask him if it is actually like that in the USMC...I wouldn't know....I'm just an Army chick. But yeah, if you wanna see Jake shakin' that ass in a christmas hat like it ain't no one's business (ladies)...then check it out. If you wanna see shit blow up, and dead bodies (fellas)...check it out. All in all it's a great movie, and I will definitely add it to my collection once it is available.
    posted by The Devil @ 10:23 AM   1 comments
    Wednesday, November 02, 2005
    Some pictures...

    My son, beautiful baby boy!

    My little angel sleeping...

    Me a couple weeks ago...

    Gabe a couple months ago...

    Me a couple months ago....
    Me on Oct. 28th...(You can't even see the hickeys, thanks, HM WTF ever...)
    Free Image Hosting at <a href=
    Me and Gabe on the 29th....Yeah, we are adorable!
    And I think that is it....Yeah...too cute! Enjoy, ya'll...
    *~* MiLFieā„¢ *~*
    posted by The Devil @ 1:16 PM   4 comments
    Texas...How I missed you!
    Sorry this picture basically depicts what I do at work....LOL.......No seriously...and it it hilarious...

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    So yay, me....I been home for a couple days now and it's been great. I don't do anything or go anywhere. I sit here in bed all day watching Cartoon Network and such with my 2 year old, while we much on all kinds of food. I think I've gained like 10 lbs...Just being lazy it's been awesome. I missed Texas and all the good food. I missed my family and friends. It's sad that I have to say goodbye tomorrow, but I am anxious to get back to Mr. Randy. But I need to enjoy my time here, since I wont be back home until next year in the summer. It's been difficult not being able to come by every weekend and seeing everyone and feeling like I was part of the circle. Now I feel like an outsider. I live on the East coast, not by choice but by circumstance and to see my brother living on the West coast in transit to Japan, is hard...but these are the lives we chose for ourselves. We knew what would happen in the military, but we still made that choice for ourselves. I missed my sister and her obnoxious and hilarious way of being. I missed my step-mom and her wonderful food. It's amazing what she can cook! I missed my brother-in-law and his funny way of giving unwarranted advice. I missed my father, with this strong, silent self, always in the background, there but not really. I missed my little brother, who each days gets taller and cuter. He'll be a heartbreaker soon enough. And I just missed Texas. I miss driving here and knowing where everything is, not getting lost and being able to go to the store and people are actually nice to you. No one has a stick up their butt like in DC. I'm going to hate leaving again, because it's been GREAT being here, and even though I miss my house and my car and my own space, it's awesome to get back to my roots and see where I came from and show that and share it with my son. So he too can be proud to be hispanic and of having a big crazy obnoxious family that loves him, just the way he is. I will miss you: What-a-burger, Jack in the Box; Waffle House, Pappadeux, Mina's and Dimi's, Taco Cabana, KFC, Sonic, Luby's, and all the other restaurants that I took for granted! I miss ya'll....no wonder I haven't gained any weight in DC...they don't have any of the food that I ate everyday! Well, just wanted to post that...How sad, I shall be tomorrow...to watch Texas become small and see Baltimore again tomorrow. But one thing that is good about all this, maybe I'll see Mr. Randy....*sigh* Yay!
    posted by The Devil @ 12:53 PM   2 comments
    The erratic ways of the heart....
    Ugh! I had this awesome blog and I accidentaly clicked out of it before I posted it...So maybe this one will be as good as the one I had:

    So, I hate the way my heart can go from hot to cold and back again so quickly. It's hard to know if things I feel are worth trusting, because I'm so indecisive and I tend to loose feelings so quickly. Why is this? I don't know, it's how I have always been. Seems like I may open myself enough to let someone in and then once they do something that I disapprove of, I close right back up and shut them out. Not looking for a pity-party, just maybe some insight before I let someone else in, for both of our sakes and benefit. It's so sad that my heart can go from hot to cold so quickly. I change my mind and heart erratically without warning. Well, I get warning but the person involved usually doesn't. And that's not necessarily fair. But I'm so scared that I might actually be developing feelings for someone, and I'm scared...no terrified that it might actually work...and then self-combust because that's my thing. I make them fall and then leave. I don't know why. I haven't been able to open myself fully and completely. Maybe I don't love myself enough to let someone else love me. They always say that you have to learn to love yourself before you can love someone else. And well, I don't know if this will lead to love...it's not like you can plan these things (believe me!), but just in case it does, I want it to actually work. Then comes the issue of my kid. Well, I have a very impressionable 2 year old that is going to be living with me for most of the year and that can put a damper on a relationship. Especially one that is just blooming and hasn't been established for some time. We are just getting to know each other and testing each others limits....but now I have to worry about when I can have "adult-time" for myself without compromising my relationship with my child. I can't have random men come in and out of my son's life, for many reasons. He has a father already and I'm not trying to find another "baby's daddy", cus I have enough drama with that man, and I really don't need any more drama! I don't want my son to grow attachments with people that I can't guarantee are going to be around long-term, because children need stability in their lives. What values will I teach him by letting people come in and out of his life, and not provide him with a stable home environment? That will only teach him that you can't rely on people because they leave. Tha's not right! So with all these things circling my mind, day in and day out....I don't know what to do. I find myself missing him, completely wishing only to go home again so I can have him hold me, and kiss me. And it's ludicrous! I have only really known him for a couple weeks, and yet he has made an impression on my heart thus far, that I have missed him...and the way he is. SO gentle and kind and sweet. He kisses me and everything melts away. Corny sounding, I know but that's how it feels. His touch feels electric and it's like the passion flows through his fingertips onto my skin...It's great, so far. Could I possibly be falling in love with someone? I don't know. I've been here before and quite often, so it seems. I tend to fall quickly and fall out even faster, which is sad to say, but true. I'm afraid of what will happen, but excited. SO hopefully, he'll be someone I can open up my heart to. Who knows? I am just excited to see him again...and to give him a big hug and show him how much I have missed him! It feels good to feel again....it's quite glorious!
    posted by The Devil @ 11:04 AM   2 comments
    Tuesday, November 01, 2005
    So I'm a Hot Brownie?
    So yeah....there's Mr. Randy...Whom I have come to actually like now....and seeing a couple of his blogs that he shared with me...and I am referred to as the Hot Brownie..the HB...lol.....too funny...I just can't believe that in a couple of weeks...I went from totally hating men and the general male species, to finding someone funny, interesting, sexy and just down right not psychotic....I was certain that he was gonna be like uhm...other people....but he hasn't done anything to make me feel like I'm being.....oppressed is that the word I'm looking for? He makes me feel like I have my own space and time....and not like I have to be something that I'm not. I can be my lil' weird self and know that he isn't judging me. He is good....no scratch that, he is great! He is sweet and gentle....(well after a lil' direction!*hee hee*)....and kind....and what I've wanted. But how can I make it work after Gabe moves up there with me? I can't have him around all the time, even thoug being the selfish person that I am I'm going to want him around constantly.....and that's not fair to my sweet lil' Gabe. And it's so retarded how we "hooked-up".....We had this stupid field trip that I didn't even wanna go to....and I ended up having to go on my own...and I had seen him before, but he seemed not interested.....and now well, I think he likes me...and he likes me for me...But I'm terrified...and I don't know why. It's like all this time I wanted this and now I could have it, but I'm not sure. Because what if it's completely awesome and great...for now and then it fizzles to nothingness....I tend to loose feelings for people, and I tend to let things go...so how can I assure that I wont do that again? Oh well.....we'll see.....I'll keep ya'll posted.......
    -Hot Brownie-
    posted by The Devil @ 9:54 PM   0 comments
    About Me

    Name: The Devil
    Home: Somewhere in, Texas, United States
    About Me: I'm a young mom, who stresses out far too much.
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    "Before you do anything, think. If you do something to try and impress someone, to be loved, accepted or even to get someone's attention, stop and think. So many people are busy trying to create an image, they die in the process."-Salma Hayek

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