Will I ever make it home....
Friday, February 24, 2006
Just need to vent...
A couple of weeks ago, I went in to my GYN, and got a procedure done to screen for cervical cancer, since my Pap came back abnormal. It was a painful and frightening experience. I have tried not to freak out about it, but I'm a natural worry-wart and tend to stress about things internally even though I try to blow them off. I received the results from my colposcopy procedure. I had been reassured that I was going to be okay, that everything looked fine, except for two spots that they had sampled, by takin biopsies of the differential spots. But she had said that she was sure it would come back low grade squamous intraepithilial lesions on my cervix, and that I would only have to come back in six months and get the procedure done again. Well, after seeing a couple numbers from the hospital, I figured she wanted to explain the results to me. But, it was worse than I had anticipated. I have high grade. Which means they have to remove it. The procedure is called a "LEEP". They basically remove up to 1/4" of the high grade lesions. This procedure is 95% effective. All this is caused from something called the Human Papillomavirus (HPV), which is sadly a sexually transmitted disease. Over 50% of the American population have it, yet they don't know it. There is no cure. Men carry it, but the women are the ones who have these pre-cancerous things happen, like me. It's rather alarming to know that I don't know who I got it from, or if I have infected anyone. I have yet to schedule my LEEP surgery, and I'm definitely not looking forward to. I'm scared. I have bit my cheek, so as not to cry. I hear the words, pre-cancerous. Many horrible images come to my mind. I am only 22. I don't want to die, yet.

So, since everyone has been gone....Work has been....stressful. You'd think the less people here, the better? Nope, not in this case. Disease knows no holiday, as my old commander used to say. I have had to bust my ass, trying to maintain this facility up to par, while trying to do my work, and the other two people who were gone. One isn't back, yet. He is a nice guy. We get along well. But as far as work, he doesn't really do shit. So, I'll dub him....Lazy Cool Specialist (LCS). So LCS has helped me a lot through the whole moving here, and getting by. He watches my son, since he knows I don't have an alternate babysitter, when I have to work. His kids and my kid get along awesome. We joke, we share and office together, and sometimes we carpool. We talk to each other (or I always talk, he listens). But as far as work, he tends to want to be lazy. And it's annoying. Since the other girl that works here (we'll call her Too Sick & Have Appointments-TS&HA), is usually, well....too sick and has too many appointments, to actually be here during duty hours. I love her. She is such a sweetheart and just a cool person. So, I feel bad to bitch about them not working. But if I try to sit on my ass and be lazy, I get knocked for it. It's sucking to be here right now. I love what I do. I have never said that I hate the work. It's the other petty bullshit, that I have to deal with, that pisses me off. I am the youngest one here, so I get treated like a damn slave. Cleaning, picking up after people, having to make sure their shifts are covered, and other lame crap like that. It's annoying. Shouldn't I be the one making messes, and messing up? Not the other way around? They don't need me here. They need their mothers (or fathers). It's so hard to respect people who don't do shit, really. And I know I am still "new" here and don't know all the inner workings and haven't gotten in too good with my "boss", but still!

I'm PMSing, I'm tired, and I'm super cranky. I have to work this weekend, and I don't want to. I want to sleep in. I want some food. I want to go out and have a beer. I want, I want, I want! I sound like Gabe! Maybe that's where he gets it from!

Speaking of Gabe, he has been a completely different kid. He had a really nasty ear infection, so that sort of explains why he was so cranky and so testy with me. He is super-affectionate now, and listens to me. He has been a little angel, compared to how he was a week ago. I took him to the park yesterday. We played for an hour. Came home, he actually ate his dinner! Took a bath, and helped me put him to bed. I can almost hear again, since he hasn't been screaming bloody murder in the past week. So, I guess I am done venting.

Thanks for "listening"...........
posted by The Devil @ 10:04 AM   0 comments
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Three's a crowd....

I've been pretty blah, lately. Not having too much to complain about. And there's been a million things I would like to have discussed on here (with my 2 readers), but for lack of real privacy, I suppose I have chosen to keep silent and just let the thoughts keep grinding in my head and heart. But I can't keep doing that. Writing has always been one of my outlets, and since I am currently not going to therapy anymore, I have to find a good medium to express myself. And I suppose I shall begin. But before I actually get into what I want to write about, I want to issue a "disclaimer" if you will. To anyone who may read this and think this has something to do with them, it does...yet, it doesn't. I have been feeling like this from the get-go, but it's just now beginning to become an issue. I hope you don't get your feelings hurt over this, but I'm just worried.

As most of you know, I have a kid. He is not impaired in anyway. He is healthy, bright, and an almost 3 year-old. My wonderful boyfriend accepted this when we first started dating. Most guys would have chosen the other route, of either being a booty call, or to not be there at all. But no, he understood where I was coming from and decided to stick around. Maybe I should have waited to have them meet. Maybe I shouldn't have brought him around my son so much, so quickly. Maybe I should be a better parent, and stop being so selfish. Maybe.....maybe....maybe.

But I can't change the course that I have chosen to take. Nor, can I really change all the awful things I have done. I just need to figure how to make this equation work for us. I love both of them very much. And if I were to choose, well I'd have to stick with my child. Not saying that I would just discard the wonderful person in my life, but it's my duty as his mother. I never wanted to be a single mother, for this reason. The first couple of months were great, but each day my child is getting meaner, and more annoying. He annoys me. And I feel horrible for admitting that, but he does. I feel like I can't take him anywhere anymore. He does this whole: "I want this....and I want that....I want this....", until I basically have to hurry up and scramble out of a store before I loose my fucking mind. And then he hits me. And pushes me. And talks back to me. My dad tells me that I need to set the rules right now! Because he needs to learn that I am the boss. But it's so hard. I feel so guilty. For so many things. I hate spanking him. It makes me feel like shit. I feel like I might go off and get too pissed and beat the shit out of him. I've spanked him hard enough a couple of times to welt up his little behind. And I cried so hard after I did that. I felt like the world's worst mother.

I've been to a couple parenting classes. But their methods don't work with my kid. I've tried time-outs. Taking stuff away. Spanking. Yelling. Trying to talk to him. Everything that I can think of. And still nothing. I look at my kid, and basically hate him for making me feel so damn worthless. And I want to go out, and have fun. And do "couple" things with my love. But I can't. I feel guilty for leaving my kid all day at daycare, so I can work, and then wanting more "me" time. I want to just runaway in the night. To leave everything. I'm so worn down, and just feel broken. I look at the pictures of my beautiful son at my desk, and I can't help but feel like I let him down. Like maybe if he were happier, he would listen to me more. And do the things I ask of him. I try to go out of my way to make sure that he is happy. But I still feel like I am failing.

I also think, at the moment (or maybe always!), that my son's behaviour is annoying Randy. He mentioned it last night. I was kind of hurt. I tried to laugh it off. But it did really hurt my feelings. Because I felt like it's my fault that my son is so out of control. I have let his behaviour slip through the cracks of my parenting, because I am mirred in guilt over my parenting. Maybe if he spends a couple of nights alone without Gabe to annoy him, he'll be okay. But if this is going to be a serious relationship, how is going to act when he doesn't have his place to runaway to? Is he going to resent me for the way I parent? I never learned how to be a mom. I'm still learning. I don't know how I will make it through the end of this week. But I know I will. I will learn how to be a better mom. I'm trying to play mommy and daddy to a 2 year-old. It's hard. I have to give a lot of kudos to any single parent out there that hasn't lost their mind.

What should I do? I don't want you not want to spend time with me, because of Gabe. I know I am a pushover. And I fail on all my punishments. I am too leniant. I get lazy. I don't know how to be a mom. I don't think I can control my child. All I know is that I love both of ya'll very much. My life would be very empty without each of you. I just, I don't know. I'm worried.
posted by The Devil @ 9:33 AM   0 comments
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Ideals....in people...
So, I wasn't tagged. But I read Martini Love's Blog and saw that it had a post on the "perfect" person for her, described in 8 attributes. After thinking about it for an hour or so...I think I came up with a suitable list, that describes what I think is important. Decided I would give it a shot. So, here goes....

1. Sense of Humor.

Simple, right? And I don't mean a stand-up comic, either. I mean someone who can laugh at the stupid things I do, or find amusing. Someone who can share my sense of humor (as odd as it is), and actually not categorize me as odd. Someone who can understand my dry, sarcastic humor. Not sadistic, just sarcastic.....Like me!

2. A Good Heart. (Not just health wise!)

Another thing that is key, for me. I like to know that the person is compassionate, has the capacity to emphatize, is understanding of other's situations. And isn't rashly judgemental. This can also show that they have the capacity to love and to care for people. I'm a giver. It wouldn't be suitable for me to be with someone who is a taker.

3. Sensitive.

And I don't mean someone who will be a sucker and cry at every moment (that would be gay!). I mean someone who can understand that I am "hyper-sensitive". I get my feelings easily hurt, but I try to roll with the punches. Someone who can sense when they have hurt me, and can understand how I feel. Someone who can be sensitive to my needs, as a woman.

4. A Good Communicator.

I suck in this department. I always have. I tend to bottle things up and let them simmer, until I explode. But that isn't a great way of keeping relationships alive. So, I have tried to be open and be a much better communicator and listener. It's worked so far, and I am still learning how to do it. Expression is not just verbal! I still need a lot of patience with this from both the receiving end and myself.

5. Patient.

I need someone who can understand that I need time. I move slow. I eat slow. It takes me awhile to wake up in the mornings, and to actually get stuff done. Why? Well, it's not that I'm lazy. I'm just a perfectionist and need everything to be exactly perfect. I need someone who can be patient with a lot of things in my life. Such as my friendships, my family, and my ex. He is annoying as hell, but he is my child's father and he is going to be a part of my life till my son grows up.

6. Passionate.

I mean it about everything. About life, love, work, relaitonships, people. Whatever that motivates them and keeps them looking and loving life. Someone who can be passionate and not subdued all the time. Who can love life and the intensity of it, like I do. Someone who looks towards the past, present and future with fire in their hearts. I love that!

7. Honest/Sincere.

No one wants their partner to be a liar, or to be insincere. I am very gullable, and I usually pretty much believe what anyone says. It's hard to do, and most people think it's naive of me, but it's how I am. I will give anyone the benefit of the doubt, till they prove me wrong. So, it's easier to be with someone who can be honest, not hide big things from you, and can just be down-right sincere.

8. Clean/Neat.

Why? Because I can't stand cleaning up after people. AND I hate people who are messy. I don't see how people can function when there is a mess in their house, or cars, or personal space. It drives me nuts. I'm a neat-freak, and I love to clean! So, it's nice to be with someone who helps clean and not make a mess. Or at least pick up their own mess!

So, I tag everyone. Well, the like 2 people who read my blog I suppose. LMAO....Anywho....Most of these attributes are in the person I am with (Randy). And I am very lucky to find someone that I mesh well with and that loves me, too. So, have fun...It'll be nice to see what ya'll write.

I'm off to get my kiddo. He has a rash on his butt, and I gotta get him from daycare.
posted by The Devil @ 11:01 AM   0 comments
Monday, February 06, 2006
commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.
posted by The Devil @ 2:22 PM   0 comments
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Memories....Oh, sweet Memories!
To remember things, is a great gift. I have always believed in this. It is amazing the things the human mind can retain. From the simplest thing, to the most complex equations, or foreign languages. I recall so much from my childhood, my teenage years, and my recent adulthood. I have forgotten that I used to be childless, loveless, and independent. That I used to survive off of M&M's and Chilli Cheese Fritos, with a Sprite everyday. I forgot that I used to run out in the hallways to meet all my friends briefly and pass notes. That I was childish. That I used to play with matchbox cars outside in the mud. That I used to wish this boy I had a crush on would kiss me. I always wanted my first kiss to be magical. I used to make-out for hours at the bowling alley when I was 13. I used to sneak makeup on, and remove it before I got home. That I would smoke at the tender age of 12, thinking I was too "grown-up" for myself. I visualize playing double dutch for hours. Sneaking out of my house at ungodly hours to go to clubs. That I used to "pop-wheelies" on my bike. That I used to have a perma-blue mouth from the blueberry snow cones, that I devoured. And today as I sat upstairs and busied myself with work, I recollected all this. I evoke how the sun shone around me. Watching the bees dance in between the green blades of grass in my backyard. I remember my rabbit, and how soft it's fur was. I imagine myself at age 15 crying on my dog's shoulder when I had no one else to talk to. Scavenging in empty houses, and playing softball in my backyard with the neighborhood kids. The cold Kool-aid we would drink, and the red mustaches we would all have. I envision the merry-go-round, rusted and useless and how much fun we used to have running between the tree trunks, the sand, and the beautiful sloping hills accross from my school. I faintly summon up the smell of the dugout as we waited until it was our turn to bat. I can see all these things and places and times as though they were the present. I can reminisce every smell that I grew up with. I conjure up images from all my stages and phases in life and see how much I have changed, yet stayed the same. So, I know that as we grow we tend to overlook those things that made us happy. The things that delight us. I forget to bask in the sunshine. I neglect to have a blueberry snowcone, or to run around with my arms out and wide into the rolling hills of grass. I am trying so hard to be "grown-up" that I have forgotten how I've gotten here. And how fun the trip has been.
posted by The Devil @ 2:29 PM   7 comments
About Me

Name: The Devil
Home: Somewhere in, Texas, United States
About Me: I'm a young mom, who stresses out far too much.
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"Before you do anything, think. If you do something to try and impress someone, to be loved, accepted or even to get someone's attention, stop and think. So many people are busy trying to create an image, they die in the process."-Salma Hayek

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