Will I ever make it home....
Friday, April 28, 2006
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Happy Birthday to you!

Happy birthday to yooooou.....

Happy Birthday, dear Gabriel.........

Happy birthday to youuuuuuu!

PS....Here's a funny link...I think it is a joke.....enjoy!

  • How to be a Good Christian Wife
  • posted by The Devil @ 8:05 AM   1 comments
    Monday, April 24, 2006
    Oh, snap......I almost forgot!
    Randy with his cool goggles .
    posted by The Devil @ 12:44 PM   0 comments
    How are you?
    I hate when people ask me this. For many reasons. It's only a polite question. Not directed to actually try to figure out how you are doing, in reality. I'm not fine. But I always answer with a polite "I'm fine." To be honest, I feel quite unfullfilled. I feel like I haven't accomplished much. Yes, I have a child. And I am raising him. But as far as cultivating any type of solid future for myself, I have only achieved the title of "housewife". And nothing much. I am "perfect" marrying material as my family has put it. I know how to keep house and how to cook. I can raise a child, and work full time. I shut my mouth, and I am willing to be a "lady in the streets", while maitaining a "freak in the sheets" attitude about sex. But that is what I had never wanted for myself. I wanted to amount to more than my mother was. But as I look back I am on the same track she was on at my age.

    So, upon realizing that I haven't done much to really enrich myself, I figured this summer instead of moping in depression and drinking myself into oblivion, I would actually get out and give back to the local community. I wanted to do volunteer work at the DC Rape Crisis Center. But the training is 8 weeks long and starts in May. I would miss at least a couple weeks of training, since I have to go back to Texas in June. And the commitment is a year long, where you work at least 4 days a month, 2 days on the 24 hour hotline, and 2 days with their advocacy groups. I know I want to do something like this. It's something that is very near to my heart. It is nothing that any woman should ever experience. I was never brutalized like some people I have known, but I was nonetheless degraded. I don't know if I can talk about it just yet. Maybe eventually with time, and the right encouragement. But I do want to help people.

    Anyone who knows me and knows what I do, would probably say I should do work with animals. Back in Texas I tried to volunteer at a local dog rescue. It's sort of a way of having pets without having them. And it would be good for me to do, as far as a job experience and getting my name out to a different field than what I am in. I would love to do rescue work! It's a good cause, and you're helping the ones who can't help themselves. There are so many opportunities just waiting to be seized. Maybe I will volunteer for more than just one thing. Maybe I will find a way to do the Rape Center thing without having to miss the training. And I could have time to do the dog rescue, if I can find one around the area!

    I plan on taking online classes. I will be 23. I have no college education. Yes, I know I am a dumbass for not having gone to college before I had my child, but since I can't change the choices that I have made and I wouldn't change them if I could. I just feel like I haven't done enough with my life. I haven't guaranteed a secure future for myself, much less my son. I have been living an existential life. Taking everything a day at a time. I know where I work. I know I will go home. I know I will do the same thing tomorrow. I want to know that I will have this until I am ready to retire. Not exactly where I am at right now, but a job, the benefits, the opportunity to grow, and just the overall security that I can take care of myself. But I also want to help people. Why? It's just always been in my nature to want to be someone in the community. The person who can help. It's me! Some of ya'll are probably puking or gagging, but I like the way I feel when I volunteer to help others. I feel at peace, fullfilled, and joyous. Thankful for my meager blessings. I am a very lucky person to be able to still have compassion for people and their different situations.

    So, maybe this summer I will be busy motivating RC to attend school. And doing some good volunteer work. I can't wait! I just hope that Gabe is happy to go with his daddy for a little bit. I want him to have fun, and to make great memories with his father. They both deserve it! Ya'll have a great week!
    posted by The Devil @ 9:45 AM   0 comments
    Thursday, April 20, 2006
    Dedicated to RC.....A lot of Nothingness
    • -Lightning strikes about 6,000 times per minute on this planet!
    • -A chameleon's tongue is twice the length of its body.
    • -A chimpanzee can learn to recognize itself in a mirror, but monkeys can't.
    • -A rat can last longer without water than a camel can.
    • -About 10% of the world's population is left-handed.
    • -A typical bed usually houses over 6 billion dust mites.
    • -A person afflicted with hexadectylism has six fingers or six toes on one or both hands and feet
    • -A woodpecker can peck twenty times a second.
    • -A zebra is white with black stripes.
    • - Porpoises and dolphins communicate with each other by squeaking, growling, moaning, and whistling. Porpoises and dolphins are mammals. There are about 40 species or kinds of porpoises and dolphins. Most porpoises and dolphins navigate by using "echolocation". The largest member of the dolphin family is called an orca or killer whale.
    • - The hippopotamus gives birth under water and nurses its young in the river as well, though the young hippos do come up periodically for air.
    • -A cow gives nearly 200,000 glasses of milk in her lifetimeThe world's largest mammal, the blue whale, weighs 50 tons at birth. Fully grown, it weighs as much as 150 tons.The world's largest rodent is the Capybara. An Amazon water hog that looks like a guinea pig, it can weigh more than 100 pounds.The world's smallest mammal is the bumblebee bat of Thailand, weighing less than a penny.
    • - How the wind blows. As the sun warms the earths surface, the atmosphere warms too. Some parts of the earth receive direct rays from the sun all year and are always warm. Other places receive indirect rays, so the climate is colder. Warm air, which weighs less than cool air, rises. Then cool air moves in and replaces the rising warm air. This movement of air is what makes the wind blow.
    • - Dolphins sleep with one eye open!
    • -Why do we might feel warmer wearing a dark-colored jacket than a light-colored one? . Dark colors absorb light energy. Light colors and white reflect light energy. When light shines on your dark jacket, the jacket fabric absorbs light energy. The absorbed light energy causes electrons in the atoms of the jacket to vibrate. This activity releases heat energy, which makes the jacketand youwarmer. That's why we like to wear more dark colors in winter and more light colors in summer.
    • -While sleeping, one man in eight snores, and one in ten grinds his teeth.
    • -At 188 decibels, the whistle of the blue whale is the loudest sound produced by any animal.
    • -A flute made of bone is the oldest playable musical instrument in the world. Its a flute carved from a birds wing bone more than 9,000 years ago. The flute was discovered with other flutes at an ancient burial site in China.
    • - The fastest dog, the greyhound, can reach speeds of upto 41.7 miles per hour. The breed was known to exist in ancient Egypt 6,000 years ago
    • - Glue dates back to prehistoric times. Artists once mixed colorings with raw eggs, dried blood, and plant juices to make sticky paints for cave murals. Later, ancient Egyptians and other people learned to make stronger glues by boiling animal bones and hides. Today companies make glues using synthetic substances.
    • -A cat sees about six times better than a human at night because of the tapetum lucidum , a layer of extra reflecting cells which absorb light.
    • -A cat uses whiskers to determine if a space is too small to squeeze through. The whiskers act as antennae, helping the animal to judge the precise width of any passage.
    • -A cat will clean itself with paw and tongue after a dangerous experience or when it has fought with another cat. This is an attempt by the animal to soothe its nerves by doing something natural and instinctive.
    • -The grizzly bear can run as fast as the average horse!!
    • - The female lion does more than 90% of the hunting while the male simply prefers to rest. !!
    • - A jellyfish is 95 percent water!- At birth, a panda is smaller than a mouse and weighs about four ounces.
    • -Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails!
    • -You blink over 10,000,000 times a year!
    • - Of all the words in the English language, the word ' set ' has the most definitions!
    • - The sun is 330,330 times larger than the earth!
    • - Dogs and cats, like humans, are either right or left handed... or is that paws?!
    • - A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue!
    • - A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
    • -A cat's jaws cannot move sideways.
    • -More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes.
    • - "Go." is the shortest complete sentence in the English languageThe vocabulary of the average person consists of 5,000 to 6,000 words.
    • - No word in the English language rhymes with "month".
    • - An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
    • -An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
    • -The average person laughs about 15 times a day.
    • -The average person walks the equivalent of twice around the world in a lifetime.
    • -All polar bears are left handed.
    • -Ants don't sleep.
    • -The word "racecar", "kayak", and "radar" are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.
    • -"a man a plan a canal panama" spelled backwards is still "a man a plan a canal panama"
    posted by The Devil @ 2:39 PM   0 comments
    Tarot: My Future!
    You ask a question, and you get answers......according to cards!

    How you feel about yourself now (The Sun):

    You are feeling abundant happy and joyful - if you don’t, be assured that you are about to enter a period of success and fulfillment. This is a time of pleasure, vitality and good health, travel and holidays to be enjoyed. Good news around children or the conception or birth of a longed-for baby. The Sun heralds an ending to difficulties and a time to celebrate with friends and loved ones.

    Hmmm, not so much...Been feeling really crappy....and been pretty depressed.

    What you most want at this moment (Wheel Of Fortune):

    The cards suggest Nancy, that what you most want at this time is a turning point in your life and positive change - well expect it now. Life will go up a gear or two and events will accelerate forward. Destiny is at play here - have you noticed a number of events that seem rather a coincidence? This is synchronicity, trust it and go with the flow.

    I would agree with that, since I am moving in with RC and it's a pretty big step for me! And I am going to drop off my beautiful Rowdy Boy in Texas with XH.

    Your fears (The Chariot):

    The word failure isn’t in your vocabulary. You are worried things are more of a struggle than you expected, with more delays and frustrations. Things aren’t going to plan at all, just chill out, calm that mind of yours and you’ll find the strength to battle on until you succeed. This is a period of movement and change and conflicts ending in victory.

    The word failure does happen to be in my vocabulary. But I do worry more about things being more difficult than not actually achieving them. It's my biggest fear!

    What is going for you (The Hermit):

    You are instinctively taking time to relax and reflect, drawing on your inner strength and wisdom to guide you through these difficult times. Time is a great healer, so if you don’t know quite what to do now in time you will. The Hermit signals a warning not to make hasty decisions, and if you have been unwell this is a time for rest and recuperation.

    I have been sick. And I have had a lot of other medical problems. I do need to take a break. But then again, I can sleep when I'm dead.

    What is going against you (The World):

    As always, fear holds us back and so often leads to missed opportunities. Do not give up or change direction this late in the game just because you have experienced delays - stick with it, have faith and trust the universe, and you will reach the successful conclusion you are wanting.

    I have been questioning a lot of things I was sure about. But that is life. It is full of uncertainties, broken promises, and empty hearts. I just hope that at the end of the battle I can look back fondly and reminisce about the good and the bad.

    Outcome (Temperance):

    A period of peace and harmony, life will flow and you will find a way of handling any difficult circumstances with calm confidence. This is also a time for patience, so if you are not sure quite what decision to make about any key issue, take your time you’ll know what to do when the time is right.

    I am craving peace and harmony. But it's something that comes unexpectedly. I will continue to be patient. And I am glad that even the cards can see I suck at making decisions!

    I would post my question, but I am sort of at a lack for words on how to word it exactly. I just asked what I was feeling in my heart. I hope things do work out. That it works out how it should. I am worried about a lot of things going on. I try not to stress but I do. I hate that about myself. I haven't written on here for a while, but I have been writing in my journal. I can be more direct. More blunt. I seem to have forgotten how therapeutic it can be to just write the words out of my head. My thoughts are a jumbled mess. Just like my life at the current moment. I am scared to start my new life. I am tired and I feel like a mess. Everything around me is a mess. But it's hard to feel excited about the things that will happen in my life within the next couple of months. I will be dropping my son off with the XH. I will be childless again for four months. Hopefully, I will be motivated this time to start school. To get my accreditation done. Maybe get a second job. I don't know. Ugh, it's almost Friday! Hooray for Friday!

    posted by The Devil @ 12:15 PM   0 comments
    Wednesday, April 12, 2006
    Tag you're it!
    1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18 and find line 4.
    "generally resolve with chronic administration in conjunction with monitoring and dosaging adjustments."- Veterinary Drug Handbook

    2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can, what do you find?
    The other side of my desk?

    3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
    Spongebob Squarepants

    4. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
    The air vents

    5. When did you last step outside?
    Like 3 hours ago

    6. Before you started this survey, what did you look at
    Work stuff. Request forms, order information

    7. What are you wearing?
    Scrubs, and my steel toe boots

    8. Did you dream last night?
    Yup....hee hee hee, wont ever tell!

    9. When did you last laugh?
    Hmm.....yesterday, maybe?

    10. What is on the walls of the room you are in?Cubicle stuff....memo boards

    11. Seen anything weird lately?
    Polkadot outfit lady at the gas station yesterday

    12. What do you think of this quiz?

    13. What is the last film you saw?
    Chicken Little last night, last "adult" movie....I think it was Brokeback Mountain

    14. If you turned a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
    House for my dad, house for my sister, house for my brother, and a house for Gabe

    15. Tell me something about you that I don't know.
    I secretly hate everyone.

    16. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt and politics, what would you do?
    I would have to say that I would diminish poverty. My family in Mexico lives in poverty, and I hate how wasteful this country is. I would definitely have to say put more funding into medical research in order to find the cure for cancer, and for HIV/AIDS.

    17. Do you like to dance?
    Of course, I'm a dancing fool!

    18. George Bush.

    19. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
    I had planned on Alycia Daniella but now...I always liked the name Griselda Marisol or Natalia Gail ( I love that name!)

    20. Imagine your first child is a boy, what would you call him?
    Uhm, Gabriel Xavier....like my kiddo...but if I had another one....Hmm....depends on the father's name and his opinion...but I love the name Alexander

    21. Would you ever consider living abroad?
    In a heartbeat (as long as Gabe & RC were with me!), even if I didn't know the language, I would be able to experience new things

    22. What would you want God to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?
    I've missed you! (plus a big hug!)

    23. 4 people who must also do this meme.
    Eh, if they wanna....not one to make anyone do anything they don't want to do......Happy Humpday!
    posted by The Devil @ 8:29 AM   0 comments
    Tuesday, April 11, 2006
    I am in so much pain right now. And I can't take anything but motrin since I have to drive all the way home. And the codeine I have totally makes me retarded. Someone just punch me in the uterus, already!!! This year shall be known as the year of the hurt kooter. And to think that in like 5 more months I can go through all this again!
    I hope everyone else is doing well! Have a nice week. And a nice Easter if I don't get a chance to blog......
    posted by The Devil @ 1:46 PM   0 comments
    Thursday, April 06, 2006
    Maybe tomorrow, I'll find my way home.....
    This has been a draft for awhile. Enjoy!

    My mother. What can I say. I never thought I would this personal on here, but this is somehow therapeutic. There is some sort of anonymous freedom granted when writting on here, as opposed to having to look at someone in the eyes and explain all this. But here goes. I just can't begin to describe her. She is just such a character. I think we all have that one family member in our families that is just an embarassment. You know who I mean. That person who just can make your life hell when you are growing up and takes you back no matter how old you are. That person has always been my mother. She just has this personality. It's like a magnet. But a bad one. Not real. She's the single most superficial person I have ever met. She is all about exterior, non-meaningful, material crap. AND that's all it is to me now. I was a little carbon copy of her, made her damn proud I am sure. Old habits die hard. She calls me from time to time. It's odd. I wont answer. Out of fear. From myself? From her. From how I get when she talks to me. Everything becomes a big, blurry mess in my head. She has that effect. She can do that. AMAZING, I know. But she can. She has this invisible chain that she tugs at will, like I'm her damn dog on a leash. She knows what buttons to push. How to break me down to nothing with a single sentence. I have suffered through a couple "mental disorders", all thanks to my mother. I still do, no one ever recovers fully. There's no drug I can take to delete her voice out of my head. No pill I can swallow to erase those memories. No where to run and hide from my mind. I can't leave it. No matter how I try. What I accomplished is mirred by her desolate tone in my head. Everything I have done, resonates her capacity to make me feel like I am worth nothing. She is the only person who can do that to me. I am a failure in her eyes. Always have been. But I'm not really. I wonder what life would have been like if she were different. Or even if I were different. But I can't even begin to understand that concept. Because what I have lived is all I know. I am still isolating myself from people. I keep my distance. I keep my heart neatly tucked away. Because if I don't then I will break down. Again. And that wouldn't be good. I married someone who was so much like my mother, you'd think I was this handicapped person who was addicted to that emotional abusive relationship I had with my mother. I did not realize that it was abusive. Till now. I know better. I could never hurt my son, like she hurt me. Maybe I am a failure. Who knows? I know I will never measure up to her standards. I can not be perfect. Even if I do try my damned best to be. But I can't be perfect. I never will be either. I'm not thin enough, educated enough, pretty enough, and I am not at all good at keeping relationships. I have failed in the one place where I thought I could beat her. Marriage. She quit on that, and I thought I could make it work. Prove her wrong for once. But I failed at that, too. I don't know what else to say about her. Except that I hope to never be like her. Even though each day, I am more like her. Yet, I have not begun to understand anything about her. Why she was how she was. Why she was so selfish. Why did we not make her happy? I have no clue. I have resented my choice to keep my child. Believe me....It's true. I hate to admit it. But had I not gotten pregnant and experienced what I have, I wouldn't be able to at least have her respect. She probably has none for me now, granted she has gotten served with the lawsuit (blah blah blah!)....but I think she did for awhile. And she had that coming to her. A cocked gun can't stay loaded forever. There is only so much that I am willing to accept and that was the last straw.
    I try and I try to be "normal" but what is normal to begin with? I don't know what it means or how to get there anymore. Is there really an expectation of people for us to be normal? Why can't I just settle for unique or unordinary?All I have been in my life is this pretty shell, empty on the inside with nothing to really fill up all the space enclosed, by that shell. So much like the eggs I would smash open. Full of light confetti. That is me. I am just full of meaningless memories. Tear stained paper confetti. Smash my shell, mother. Please do.
    posted by The Devil @ 2:33 PM   0 comments
    Ha ha...
    Seen this morning on a dirty truck.
    posted by The Devil @ 2:25 PM   0 comments
    Wednesday, April 05, 2006
    That's what I called you. But no more.

    How come I try to purge you and your memories, but I can't? You're like a bad sequel to a horror movie. I can't kill you off! You keep coming back. And back. And back.

    I want to forget you. I want to not be like you. But each day that we grow further apart, and I further disrespect you, I turn into you more and more.

    This scares me. I see your reflection in the mirror. I hear your voice when I speak. I try to be different from you. But I laugh like you. I smile like you. I cry like you, with my fists on my face, hot tears streaming from my eyes In the dark, alone in the bathroom so no one will hear. I speak like you. It's as though your vocal cords where in place of mine. Your cold empty eyes stare back at me, when I look into the mirror. I try to turn away. I paint my face to disguise our likeness. But I end up looking like you. I dyed my hair black to be distanced from you. I cut it short. I do all the things you hate that I do. I have tattoos. I don't wear dresses or heels.

    I am trying so hard to be different from your unapproachable nature, that I have forgotten who I was. I still can hear you whisper in my ear. I can still remember your hugs, so unaffected and distant. Your facade of being such a wonderful person. Your lies tumbling from your mouth. Your dysfunctional way of loving. How you always said you wish I were dead.

    Well, I almost am. Where are you now? I live so far away from you. And I still can't cut that spiritual umbillical cord that binds us. I can't seperate our souls. I owe you nothing, and yet you still becon me. Constantly. You haunt my dreams. Your face dances in the sea of unrecognizable places.

    "Ama, te quiero. Voy a tratar de ser mejor."

    Why did I always try so hard to make you see that I was worthy of your love?

    "Mis ojos."

    I never was. Never will be. I am not like you. But I am you. I remember your hard fist on my face. Your hot slaps on my cheek, if I so much as sighed wrong. The glass crashing on my head. The broom stick hitting my back. I never could look you in the eyes. I feared you. Yet, I always wanted to be like you. I watched you. Emulated your every sway and breath. And now, I am trying to forget all those ghostly things. I try to act as though you are dead. I am orphaned.

    I remember your perfumes. Your make-up. Your soaps and lotions. And your marvelous clothes. Your 500 pairs of shoes. Your jewelry. I guess I am like you in some ways. But in others I will never be the daughter you wanted. I was too wild, too timid. Too quiet. Too talentless for you. You craved more. And I had nothing to satisfy your hunger for it. I will always be a disappointment to you.

    "I'm proud of you!"

    No, you're not. You never were. You say these things like you want to mean them. But you never do. I see the disappointment lingering in your eyes. I can still see it from 1600 miles away. I hear your voice dripping in it when you call.

    I have to purge you.

    I do. It aches me. I see myself being cold with him. I don't want to be the cadaverous person you were. I will never get a second chance, and neither will you.

    Thank you.

    For making me realize how much I missed out on.
    For making me vulnerable to unsuitable relationships.
    For making me runaway to where I am.
    For making me try to be a better ama than you were.
    For making me see what it is to be a child through my own child's eyes.

    I am not a mistake. I am not too wild. I am none of those things that you chided me for. I will never slap my child on his cheek for sighing at me. I will never break a glass on his head. I will never beat him with a broom stick. Or tell him that he was a mistake. That I wished I had an abortion instead of having to deal with him. Maybe that is why I may be a pushover. I don't want to be the forceful mess you were.

    Since I was never good enough for you, maybe someone else will come along to help me get there.

    I want to be good enough.

    Good enough for Gabe.
    posted by The Devil @ 9:31 AM   0 comments
    About Me

    Name: The Devil
    Home: Somewhere in, Texas, United States
    About Me: I'm a young mom, who stresses out far too much.
    See my complete profile
    Dear Diary
    Past Indiscretions

    "Before you do anything, think. If you do something to try and impress someone, to be loved, accepted or even to get someone's attention, stop and think. So many people are busy trying to create an image, they die in the process."-Salma Hayek

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