Will I ever make it home....
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
So, you see..
I can't believe it.

I am just chillin' trying to drive and this numbnuts asshole racist cop, decided to pull me over this morning. Yes. I know I should have turned using the center lane, but EVERYONE does it, and never gets caught, I try it one time and get busted. So I start to pull over to the left, and he yells at me through his speaker, pull over to the right before you get me killed. And I am thinking this idiot! What nerve of him to pull up to my window and say, "Do you speak english?". I was so insulted that he would be so rude. I gawked at him and answered. Here is this black cop, and he wants to be a racist prick when he pulls people over? WTF?

So, he doesn't give me a ticket (thank you military ID), and tells me good luck. I happened to lie to him and tell him that I didn't know the area and had just moved here from Texas. He believed me and yeah. I know it's evil to lie, but here in a couple of months I wont be able to say I am in the military...blah blah blah.

I just couldn't believe him.

"Do you speak english?"

HA HA HA HA HA.....racist motherfuker.
posted by The Devil @ 2:17 PM   1 comments
Monday, January 15, 2007
As I casually try to be a good mother, partner, worker, daughter, and everything else that I am supposed to be, I feel it all being sucked out of me. I want to be a blank canvas, not held down with bills, questions, emotions, responsibilities. I wish I could pick up and leave. Start over again. Maybe I went about this situation all wrong, maybe everyone was right.

I speak to my best friend, and try to encourage her on her newfound decision to finally get divorced, I see a part of me that I have forgotten throughout this proccess. I see the girl that was scared to move on. The girl that was so frightened of a life of solitude and of chastity, because that was what I thought being divorced with a kid would be. That I would never find someone to understand me and my child. That would love us both and not pick and choose which part they wanted. It was either take it or leave it, no halfway point. And maybe I did make mistakes along the way, I wanted to break free of those chains that had contained me for so long. I never got to experience real life, a grown up life. I was playing pretend with an idiot. I had to hold his hand along the way, and pretend I was happy. I would smile my laughless smile, and I would never shed a tear in front of him. Maybe I do want to see the good in people too hard. Maybe that is why I have been here all this time, I would question myself.

I don't want to wake up 10 years from now, hungover, unhappy, and alone. I don't want to keep pushing everyone away, but it's what I do. I can't break those old habits. I push you away to protect myself. I don't want to hurt more than I do. I am exhausted of battling the words that want to fly out of my mouth and hurt you with their jaggedness. I am tired of trying to play happy, when I am indeed angry at myself. This all can't be healthy for my child. I don't know how to go on, or how to continue. I have so many doubts. They weren't there before, but now they gnaw at me at night, as I try to sleep, and I try to shut them up in my head, I feel them popping up in my dreams, suddenly. Maybe I do overreact, maybe I try too hard. Maybe I don't. But I am so tired of having to defend one to the other, and vice versa. I am only human, and I make mistakes, and I am so far from perfect. And so are you. And the person next to you and everyone else. Is it that humanness that scares me at night? No. It's the way you have shut yourself off to me. And for no reason. I am tired of always being the bigger person with everyone, always having to apologize to everyone., as if I am the one who is always WRONG. Maybe I want an apology! Maybe someone should come to me for once and tell me that they are sorry. I can't be the cement that tries to hold my world together.

I want to hear so many things. The rain, the gentle crushing of sleet on the trees, the rustling of dry leaves dancing to the ground, the traffic at night, the sound of music playing distantly in the background, and apologies. Are those words so hard for anyone to say? I don't know. I have spent a life full of apologizing for everything. From divorces, to being how I am, to accidents not of my doing, to hurt feelings, from burnt food, to chores not being done. And I am tired of having to explain myself to everyone. WHY? I just want to leave. Go home, runaway. To anywhere. To everywhere. Because I am so tired of it all. I am tired of the daily mistakes I make. I am tired of the way people look at me. I am tired of being misunderstood. Of being a mistake.

I am tired of it all. I just want to be left alone. I am not worthy of being a parent. All I do is yell, and scream and fight and say the hurtfull things my mother would say, I am quick to spank, and to punish. Because I am trying to prove to some that I am a "good" parent in their eyes, and yet it is not enough. They still condemn me and look down upon me from their high places. And frankly I just don't give a fuck about their opinions anymore. I am ready to start my own life. With the life that doesn't have a choice in the matter. The one who is tied to me, without our choices. I am sure he would pick better, and I..well, I don't know. Would I live my life as it is again? Maybe. Would I change things about it? Maybe. I don't know. That's the entire genius of it. The risk of not being able to predict how things will work, that's the magic of life. I can plan as much as I want, and it could all go to pieces tomorrow. I could have wasted almost two years making sure all my plans were in perfect shape, and it could all be gone in a second.

Life is about choices. I can make a left or a right. I am allowed to go forward. But never to go back. So, as of right now do I want to move forward with my situation? I don't know. There is so much doubt and uncertainty in all of this. And I think I am starting to grow weary of it. Maybe I should take my best friend's advice. Maybe I should heed the words of wisdom from my nearest and dearest. I just don't know, yet if I am ready to say yes....
posted by The Devil @ 10:32 AM   1 comments
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Tell me baby, What's your story....
So, lately I have been contemplating a lot of things, it's my nature to be introspective and not want to talk about things that might be bothering me. I usually wait my time, and think it out in my head before the thoughts and words can form upon my mouth. But a bitter taste has been left in the trail of my thoughts. I have been revisiting the same thoughts over the course of months, and like an uninvited rat that gnaws at your things in the night, these thoughts have gnawed themselves into a tangled mess.

What am I talking about? Well, for starters my future. I have been pretty sure that I would leave this area (DC) immediately after I was "done" with my time in the Army. But now, as I recall all the unnecessary drama that would occur on an almost daily basis, I have grown fond of the distance and almost closet like security I have felt here, alone. I do miss my family terribly, but I hate all the dumb bullshit they try to stir up. I honestly do. I feel like I am too old and too tired to have to go home to some meddlesome crap about goodness knows what not even concerning me.

It's just hard to make the choice to stay or to go. I want a house. I want one when I move. Will I be able to fulfill my dream? I don't know at the moment, and that is scary. I had made a financial plan and goal for myself and I have not even come close to realizing it. I am afraid to get out and not have the comfortable life I have made for myself being in the military. But on the other hand I am completely unhappy with this lifestyle. I hate being shuffled around the country having to start over time and again, and once you get comfortable you get asked to move once again. It's not the type of childhood I had in mind for my child.

I just feel like I have completely forgotten my dreams, my hopes, my goals since I have been in the military. I let someone else do it for me. I have been on autopilot long enough! I want things so different from what I have now, that albeit they scare me, they are things I want to try and taste. I want to go to cosmetology school, even though I am not that great at it. I want to learn about busisness management, so that one day I can run a business. I yearn to discover architecture so that I can build my own home one day. I want to do such radically different things that I haven't quite figured out which dream is more ardent. Which one is the most passionate of those that it will make me not only continue living, but put a smile on my face through the process.

My dreams may be decadent in nature. I know this. But they are dreams. They are MY dreams. I am allowed to have wishes for myself and for my family. But should I continue to put myself on hold until I can get a handle on the reigns? Should I continue to aspire for these things, to pine for them in my dreams, to wish one day to be able to realize them fully? I dont know.
Everywhere I turn I will hit dead ends. I have become accustomed to it. I am no longer sheltered or naive like I was. I know that every little experience, every human life, every word spoken, is life. I am living it. I am thankful, but I am forgetful of my gratitude for the insurmountable blessings that have come upon me. I have a beautiful healthy child. I have a loving and understanding partner. And best of all I have a wonderful family full of laughing friends, caring parents, and obnoxious siblings.

I can never be what people expect of me. I am not perfect, I am flawed, I am human. I have given up on the prospect of ever making one person completely happy. I am just here to make sure I can look back upon it all and say I tried my best. I have made countless mistakes and cried many tears. Have filled oceans with bitterness. But I still remember to smile. I can still look at the utter beauty of everything I have encountered. Some people ask me how. I don't know. I don't want to keep living a life of complicated simplism. I like the simple complicated-ness of life, of birth, of death. The way the breath sucks out of me when I am angered. The way my head never stops racing. I thrive on that. Without my thoughts in my head circling about, I would run around mad.

I am so many things. Rolled up into one thing. Do these things describe who I am completely....NO. They all add up to the gist of me. The fragance of me, the taste, but not the actual reality of me.

I am a mother, a sister, an aunt, a soldier, a friend, a blogger, a myspacer, a sarcastic, a half-assed feminist, a woman, a girl, a loser, a winner, a mexican, an american, a divorcee, a girlfriend, a dreamer, a skeptist, a spiritualist, a non-believer, a conformist, a black sheep, a bastard, a catholic, a laugher, a cryer, a self-made make-up artist, an extroverted introvert, a dog owner. All this and more than I could ever scratch on the surface.

Does this have to make sense to you? No.

So.... that is MY story.

So far.
posted by The Devil @ 8:58 PM   2 comments
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Well, well, well....
Things have come a loooong way for me since I haven't really done much with my site, but I am starting to figure out all this stuff out. I changed the look to usher in a new year. I mean, I loved my old layout, but I really wanted something a little flashier, and more...unique. So, I took this and tweaked it to my liking. I hope ya'll like it. I am still undecided on the background, even though it is better than a mismatched gray. I think it adds an earthiness to the page, which I really dig. As soon as I remember my Haloscan password, I'll have that hooked up on here once again. So yeah. I had debated on deleting this thing altogether, but now that it looks almost as pretty as I wanted it, I think I shall at least keep it. Maybe I can write some more about what has been going on. I mean this is going to be a big year for me. I am moving back to steamy Texas. I will be (hopefully) buying my first home. And I will be out of the Army. In just 218 days I think, I will have freedom once more. I am so excited about being able to have color in my hair. And I mean, COLOR. I am sure it will take Randy some time to get used to me being all "crazy" as my family puts it, but that is something that I have always loved. And us hispanic women love us some COLOR. Ha ha ha.

Hmm...what else? I still haven't gotten the pictures of my new baby Bonn on my computer, but hopefully I'll have some time either tonight or tomorrow to get them on there and show him off. He has been pretty good, but had a hard time this morning. He made a potty in the house, and that just doesn't fly with me. I can handle the slobbering all over the floor, but potty....Uhm, not so much. gabe has been doing so much better. I mean he is still aggravating at times, but he has been better towards me. He isn't giving me as much attitude in the mornings. I just wish I was a million times more patient with him. I tend to lose my temper very quickly. And that is a big issue with me since I tend to blow up fast and I happen to just stay angry and then I start to feel guilt. Complete and utter guilt and stupidity over the fact that I am raising a child and acting like one.

I have been just thinking about everything. Everything. My financial situation has been kind of shitty, since I am paying so much for daycare, and it seems like the daycare on base is just stringing me along lying to me each month about how they have no spots for him. It would save me over $700 a month. But I know they don't get it. They don't care. And that is upseting. I already dislike them, and this is definitely not helping. I can't seem to get a handle on the whole job search. I am trying to focus on one thing at a time. But I feel so scatter brained at the moment, and it doesn't seem like I will get it together in the next few months. I had planned a trip almost 2 years ago with my best friend and we were supposed to meet up in Texas and hang out, since she has lived in Alaska all this time. But seeing as to how I had to spend my little bit of savings, I can't go. I mean I could, but I would be broke while I was there. Which is no way to go home! I would be dissapointed if I don't get to go over something stupid like money, and my heart keeps telling me that I NEED to go, but my checkbook says otherwise. It is really sad. I don't want to think about it.

RC is getting out of the Navy finally. He only has a couple more days and he'll be done. I am sure he is preoccupied with finding a job in San Antonio, too. But I am sure he'll get an easy enough job and be fine. If it all gets down to the nitty-gritty we'll have to have pt jobs to make it. But we will. I know we will.

So, that's what has been going on I suppose. I think I am in dire need of a vacation. I am sooo burned out.
posted by The Devil @ 1:45 PM   0 comments
About Me

Name: The Devil
Home: Somewhere in, Texas, United States
About Me: I'm a young mom, who stresses out far too much.
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"Before you do anything, think. If you do something to try and impress someone, to be loved, accepted or even to get someone's attention, stop and think. So many people are busy trying to create an image, they die in the process."-Salma Hayek

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