| Wednesday, November 02, 2005 |
| The erratic ways of the heart.... |
Ugh! I had this awesome blog and I accidentaly clicked out of it before I posted it...So maybe this one will be as good as the one I had:
So, I hate the way my heart can go from hot to cold and back again so quickly. It's hard to know if things I feel are worth trusting, because I'm so indecisive and I tend to loose feelings so quickly. Why is this? I don't know, it's how I have always been. Seems like I may open myself enough to let someone in and then once they do something that I disapprove of, I close right back up and shut them out. Not looking for a pity-party, just maybe some insight before I let someone else in, for both of our sakes and benefit. It's so sad that my heart can go from hot to cold so quickly. I change my mind and heart erratically without warning. Well, I get warning but the person involved usually doesn't. And that's not necessarily fair. But I'm so scared that I might actually be developing feelings for someone, and I'm scared...no terrified that it might actually work...and then self-combust because that's my thing. I make them fall and then leave. I don't know why. I haven't been able to open myself fully and completely. Maybe I don't love myself enough to let someone else love me. They always say that you have to learn to love yourself before you can love someone else. And well, I don't know if this will lead to love...it's not like you can plan these things (believe me!), but just in case it does, I want it to actually work. Then comes the issue of my kid. Well, I have a very impressionable 2 year old that is going to be living with me for most of the year and that can put a damper on a relationship. Especially one that is just blooming and hasn't been established for some time. We are just getting to know each other and testing each others limits....but now I have to worry about when I can have "adult-time" for myself without compromising my relationship with my child. I can't have random men come in and out of my son's life, for many reasons. He has a father already and I'm not trying to find another "baby's daddy", cus I have enough drama with that man, and I really don't need any more drama! I don't want my son to grow attachments with people that I can't guarantee are going to be around long-term, because children need stability in their lives. What values will I teach him by letting people come in and out of his life, and not provide him with a stable home environment? That will only teach him that you can't rely on people because they leave. Tha's not right! So with all these things circling my mind, day in and day out....I don't know what to do. I find myself missing him, completely wishing only to go home again so I can have him hold me, and kiss me. And it's ludicrous! I have only really known him for a couple weeks, and yet he has made an impression on my heart thus far, that I have missed him...and the way he is. SO gentle and kind and sweet. He kisses me and everything melts away. Corny sounding, I know but that's how it feels. His touch feels electric and it's like the passion flows through his fingertips onto my skin...It's great, so far. Could I possibly be falling in love with someone? I don't know. I've been here before and quite often, so it seems. I tend to fall quickly and fall out even faster, which is sad to say, but true. I'm afraid of what will happen, but excited. SO hopefully, he'll be someone I can open up my heart to. Who knows? I am just excited to see him again...and to give him a big hug and show him how much I have missed him! It feels good to feel again....it's quite glorious! |
posted by The Devil @ 11:04 AM  |
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| 2 Comments: |
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It is scary for both of us as we've both discussed our concerns and I know I am gonna try my best and hope that is does work. Loving yourself before you love others, I've heard this alot too. I'm not sure if I really love myself but I am very content with who I am and love the fact that you appreciate me being myself. I miss you! See you tomorrow or Friday!
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I can't wait....Im very excited...I hope everything works out for the best, whatever that may be....
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Name: The Devil
Home: Somewhere in, Texas, United States
About Me: I'm a young mom, who stresses out far too much.
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It is scary for both of us as we've both discussed our concerns and I know I am gonna try my best and hope that is does work. Loving yourself before you love others, I've heard this alot too. I'm not sure if I really love myself but I am very content with who I am and love the fact that you appreciate me being myself. I miss you! See you tomorrow or Friday!