Will I ever make it home....
Monday, June 02, 2008
Happy
How can such a small word describe the immense happiness I feel? I found the person I was meant to be with. He completes my life. He's my equal. He accepts me for me. disregards my past and helps me look torward a future. I can finally say that I'm home. I finally made it. I just want to spread the joy he gives me to everyone I encounter. I have loved before, but not like this. We are planning a future together. I regret not knowing what it was like to love deeply in my past but now I've been blessed with learning how to love someone besides my child unconditionally.

Thank you. I love you. Can't wait to marry you.
posted by The Devil @ 9:14 PM   43 comments
Friday, April 11, 2008
Failure...
...is not measured by the past successes of your life. It is surmountable by the recent events that may have failed to fall through for you. At least that is my personal opinion. Yes, things have been messy in the past 10 months since I moved back to this city. I have struggled. I have done things I never thought I would do in order to make some money to provide for my son. I have even given up completely on this city.

So....

I'm planning on moving away. To where? Don't you worry about all that. I am going to execute this move on my own. I am not running away. I am going to start facing my problems. I have learned that I am not ready to be on my own. My wings aren't strong enough for me to fly yet. But hopefully with the right amount of kindness, persistence, and with a little faith I will soar once more. I never thought that things could get like this. But they have. And I have learned so much.

But at the same time, I have lost so much in the proccess. I'm trying to desperately remember who I was. What I wanted. What I dreamed and wished for. And all that comes to mind is a big blank. Not even some form of punctuation. Just blank. I don't know how to take that. I have disappointed the one person that means the world to me. And I keep doing it. And doing it. And all I do is cry for forgiveness. That one day he will see that it's all for him. The struggle. The pain. The tears I cry. It's for him.

I will continue to try. Well, scratch that. DO. There is no try.

At least, not anymore....
posted by The Devil @ 9:30 AM   0 comments
Saturday, October 27, 2007
It's Over, Before It Even Began
So.

Things didn't work out for me. They actually sort of imploded on themselves before I could even begin to start to sort out what was going on. Maybe I brought this on myself. I'm not saying that I didn't deserve to know what it is like to have my heart completely ripped out by someone that I thought the world of. But it happened, and boy did I actually never understand in the past what those people I have done that to, were going through. Yes, breaking up with RC was the most difficult break-up I had experienced, because I was emotionally invested in him and in our relationship. But it took several months for me to muster up the courage, to finally execute my decision form months previous. Shitty of me, isn't it? But it's the truth.

This happened out of nowhere. I didn't expect to be in a relationship with anyone for awhile. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to enjoy my son's childhood. I wanted to see if I could actually be an adult on my own. But I let someone in. I let him in. And it was beautiful. It was great. Suddenly all those sappy love songs made sense, the world looked more beautiful, the tiniest of things seemed like miracles. I thought he was perfect for me. And I thought he felt the same. But I must have let that "love" crap get in the way of the reality. I got all swept up in the newness, and the relationship itself, and ended up getting so hurt by him. I don't know if I'll ever be the same. I let someone in completely. And it bit me in the ass. I have been trying to nurse my broken heart. I try to put on my brave face on during the day. But at night it gets me.

The tears wet my pillows, I can't even begin to understand how to get over this. I have always been able to just turn it off. But this time, when I desperately need to, I can't. And I'm so pathetic. I have to drink to sleep. I haven't been able to eat well, or sleep well. I just want to crawl into a hole somewhere and hide out until it's over. Until I don't feel this ache in my soul anymore.

So. How can it be over, before it even began?
posted by The Devil @ 1:19 PM   0 comments
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Still breathing
Nights come and go. Sleep comes and goes. But the lingering issues are nonetheless the same. I am still the same as I was when I first began this journey to myself. Except I have had much guidance and assistance from someone. And as his journey begins, I am going to be forced to say good-bye once again to something I care deeply for. I wish him well on his way to the wishing well. His hopes have come true. And I will be left here to wonder what could have been or what if.

It seems like luck has been down on my side of the table. And I am not complaining about it, as it is well deserved. I have been happier than I have in years in the past miserable months. I have learned of my own strenght and courage to face things anew. I have succumbed to life's experiences and have learned valuable lessons in the proccess. Should I follow my heart or go with my head this one last time? I have no clue. I expected things to be different. But they're not.

I am still breathing. And for that, I am thankful.
posted by The Devil @ 2:42 PM   2 comments
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Apologies, New Beginnings, & Well Wishes
I am only going to write it down once. I am sorry, for how I behaved and how I just dropped the ball like that. But I didn't want you to feel like you had any say in how my life should, would, or could be. I was tired of being guilt tripped. Yes, I understand you were hurt, maybe you still are, but all I can say is get over it. What is done is done. I can not take back my past actions, words, or memories. I am glad I met you, and that you let me love you for the duration of our relationship. I wish nothing but the best for you and I honestly hope that you do find happiness.

As for me, I am doing very well. No job yet, but I have a roommate who is moving in today so hopefully things work out on that front. I am dating someone and things seem to be going well. I am taking my time. No rushing anything. No need to. My focus is Gabe. Speaking of my little bundle of energy, he started Pre-K yesterday. I can't believe it! He is actually in school. It's amazing. He is learning how to write and spell his name. He has been such a great helper at church and at home. I am extremely proud of him. I wish things were better between his father and I, but they aren't. We had a good heart to heart a couple of weeks ago, and I thought things were going to get better but they haven't as of yet.

I have been having fun doing nothing. It's been such a nice break. But I am more than ready to get back to work. I just hope I can make enough to survive out here, since things haven't worked out how I thought they would as far as my career options go. I am contemplating starting school, but I am scared to take on too much right now. I am going to quit smoking today or tomorrow. Hopefully I will succeed in that endeavor. I am hoping that my roommate will want to actually go out and work out with me. I haven't gained any weight, but I have no muscle tone left. It's nice to have GREAT food to eat. The weather has been topsy turvy. Torrential rains one day, and blazing heat the next.

Well, just wanted to apologize to Randy. I hope that one day we can be friends. I am just not there yet. Hope everyone, if anyone actually reads this is doing well.

I miss the East coast on occassion, but I think that it's really the people who are there that I actually miss. But I am GLAD to be back in Texas. It's where my heart is and where I belong.
posted by The Devil @ 10:14 AM   1 comments
Thursday, July 19, 2007
I made it.
I'm home. I'm safe. I'm away from memories that hurt too much for me to continue to live them.

To you.

It hurts to think that you would even begin to believe that I just acted my way through life for the past 2 years. Thank you. No, I don't have any desire to talk to you. No, it's not easier for me to just cut you out of my life. No, I'm not in any mood to have you as a friend, right now. Joke or not, that was rude of you to be that way. I will continue to delete you out of my life, but not because it makes it easier, but because you really don't deserve to be a part of it anymore. I am much happier. Much healthier. Much more serene than I have been in a long time. I enjoyed our time together. And I actually thought you were it for me. But I will put aside the hurt and resentment, and say thank you. Thank you for the beautiful relationship we had. I hope that in the future we both find happiness. That we both find the things we want in a partner. And that we find that happiness in ourselves. You owe me nothing, and I am no longer tied to you. So, I wont sit here and pretend I will be your friend. Your curiosity will only ruin our friendship. I don't owe you or anyone else an explanation. The only person who needs my attention, love, and presence is my child.

Thank you.

To everyone else, if there is anyone else who reads this. Thank you. I will no longer post about my personal life on here. Thank you for your time. Your support, and your friendship.

I finally made it home.

Labels:

posted by The Devil @ 2:29 PM   1 comments
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Goodbye...
“I've learned that good-byes will always hurt, pictures will never replace having been there, memories good and bad will bring tears, and words can never replace feelings.”


“Yes I love him. I love him more than anything else in this world and there is nothing that I would like better than to hold on to him forever. But I know it's not for the best. So no matter how much my heart is going to break, I've got to let him go so he can know just how much I love him. Maybe if I'm lucky, he'll come back, but if not, I can make it through this.”


"Just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to be involved with them. Love is not a bandage to cover wounds."
posted by The Devil @ 7:15 AM   1 comments
About Me

Name: The Devil
Home: Somewhere in, Texas, United States
About Me: I'm a young mom, who stresses out far too much.
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"Before you do anything, think. If you do something to try and impress someone, to be loved, accepted or even to get someone's attention, stop and think. So many people are busy trying to create an image, they die in the process."-Salma Hayek

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