| Saturday, October 27, 2007 |
| It's Over, Before It Even Began |
So.
Things didn't work out for me. They actually sort of imploded on themselves before I could even begin to start to sort out what was going on. Maybe I brought this on myself. I'm not saying that I didn't deserve to know what it is like to have my heart completely ripped out by someone that I thought the world of. But it happened, and boy did I actually never understand in the past what those people I have done that to, were going through. Yes, breaking up with RC was the most difficult break-up I had experienced, because I was emotionally invested in him and in our relationship. But it took several months for me to muster up the courage, to finally execute my decision form months previous. Shitty of me, isn't it? But it's the truth.
This happened out of nowhere. I didn't expect to be in a relationship with anyone for awhile. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to enjoy my son's childhood. I wanted to see if I could actually be an adult on my own. But I let someone in. I let him in. And it was beautiful. It was great. Suddenly all those sappy love songs made sense, the world looked more beautiful, the tiniest of things seemed like miracles. I thought he was perfect for me. And I thought he felt the same. But I must have let that "love" crap get in the way of the reality. I got all swept up in the newness, and the relationship itself, and ended up getting so hurt by him. I don't know if I'll ever be the same. I let someone in completely. And it bit me in the ass. I have been trying to nurse my broken heart. I try to put on my brave face on during the day. But at night it gets me.
The tears wet my pillows, I can't even begin to understand how to get over this. I have always been able to just turn it off. But this time, when I desperately need to, I can't. And I'm so pathetic. I have to drink to sleep. I haven't been able to eat well, or sleep well. I just want to crawl into a hole somewhere and hide out until it's over. Until I don't feel this ache in my soul anymore.
So. How can it be over, before it even began? |
posted by The Devil @ 1:19 PM  |
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Name: The Devil
Home: Somewhere in, Texas, United States
About Me: I'm a young mom, who stresses out far too much.
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