Will I ever make it home....
Saturday, November 25, 2006
You.
My balance is so off right at this moment. I feel like I am constantly losing ground. I take one step forward and five back. I can't get to where I want and I am tired of sitting here hating myself. But I can't make everyone happy. Much less myself. This is so hard.

I am at a crossroads. I would have given up 3 years ago. But circumstances prevent me. As I dip into the waters of uncertainty and drown in unhappiness, I begin to ponder. I feel the waters filling my lungs, the slow burn of a fire inside diminishing and completely dimming into blackness. I feel like a charred piece of paper. Unseen, black, and empty of information. I don't know where to turn.

I hate that I am pretending. I am pretending. Always pretending. But I am not happy. I am masking my sadness with a smile. I yell, I scream, I fight. But I lose myself. I lose myself like I have so many things in my past. To think that I thought this was healthy. But I look at myself sitting there so young, naive. And so full to the brim with laughter. I see now where I am going wrong, but like any accident of hope, I can not bring myself to stop it. I have no one to turn to. I have isolated myself in this facade. How could I have lost sight of me? When did I forget about my hopes and dreams? Did the Army brainwash me into thinking like them? Am I forever lost in this isolation??

Why am I so cruel? Why am I so unjust? Why do the words fall from my mouth like daggers, aimed at those who love me? Why can't I be more patient? More loving? Why?

I have questions, but I can not articulate them. For fear of your reactions. For fear of your consequence. I am lost. So lost.

But I will continue to pretend. And as I cry in my dreams, so as to not disturb you, I will feel the suffocating desperation that is burning inside of me.

All because I love you.
posted by The Devil @ 7:57 PM   0 comments
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Dirty little secret....
I figured I would post 100 of my dirty little secrets, facts, and things about me. Just for laughs. Really for my own record.

  1. I hate onions, but use them to cook a lot.
  2. I have a lot of moles (or beauty marks). They're allover the place!
  3. I love purses. But don't buy them as often as I used to.
  4. I have too much makeup, but I want more.
  5. I adore Stephen King's books.

  6. I never wanted kids. But I had one.
  7. I never wanted to be married. But I did it.
  8. I didn't want a divorce. But I did it.
  9. I hate sweet and meat together. As in mince meat pie. Yuck!
  10. I thought I would go to college before I was 22.

  11. I used to suffer from anorexia nervosa. I still want to lapse back into it. I did when I was getting divorced. I blamed my 40 lb weight loss on stomach issues.
  12. I did a lot of drugs to forget my problems.
  13. I used to drink to forget my problems.
  14. I collect Snoopy stuff. Have since I was 5.
  15. I get excited over cleaning commercials.

  16. I was a constant drunk dialer. But I don't drink like that anymore.
  17. I puked in Johnny's car. Twice. And he was still my friend.
  18. I am no longer allowed in Adam's Morgan.
  19. I have always had GM vehicles.
  20. I have 3 tattoos.

  21. I want a sleeve. Of what? I don't know.
  22. I hate people who shave off their eyebrows. It scares me.
  23. I have a lot of pictures of randomn things.
  24. I wanted to be a photographer.
  25. I gave up drawing, because my brother was better at it.

  26. I have 4 brothers, and 1 sister.
  27. I only keep in touch with 2 brothers and my sister.
  28. I get jealous easily.
  29. I have eternal patience with other people's kids.
  30. I lack patience with my own.

  31. I like to sing karaoke. But I suck at it.
  32. I ♥ cheez-its.
  33. I'm always cold. If it's not at least 78. I am cold.
  34. My favorite colors are pink and green.
  35. I can't live without coffee in the morning. It will just make me grumpy.

  36. I always try to prepare for the worst.
  37. I was a tomboy up until high school. Then I discovered boys.
  38. I was a band nerd.
  39. I was a cheerleader, on the dance team, and the mascot in high school. I loved being the mascot the most.
  40. I feel depressed when things are unorganized.

  41. My favorite holiday is Valentine's Day. My kitchen is decorated in hearts, and in red and white.
  42. My favorite flowers are roses and lilies.
  43. I hate people who are late.
  44. I hate bad drivers.
  45. I used to think I was in love with someone. But I wasn't. He manipulated me to think that I was dependent of him.

  46. I get scared when I look in RC's eyes sometimes. I feel like I can dip in them.
  47. My son's voice is so adorable. It is one of my favorite sounds in the world.
  48. I think I will look into being a makeup artist when I done with the army.
  49. I hate telling people what I do. Since they judge.
  50. My thoughts are endless. I wish I could take a vacation from my head.

  51. I cry during makeover shows, and almost any touching movie. But I can't cry freely.
  52. I am so worried about my future. I hate not having control.
  53. I wish I could run off and just marry RC already. But then I worry things will change.
  54. I have a lot of nicknames.
  55. I hated my XH most days. I would watch him sleep as I stayed up with my sick baby, and think of how to smother him. And if I could get away with it.

  56. I can't believe I married him. But I learned so much.
  57. I haven't gotten in trouble with the law since I was 17.
  58. I used to work as a personal shopper/assistant for an escort service. I would set up dates, for really rich lonely men, set up the hotels, and buy outfits for the escorts. I would take home about $2,000 a week. I was making more then, than I do now.
  59. I still have old letters from friends.
  60. I collect small things that remind me of my life. They are very meaningful to me.

  61. I used to be very catholic. But now, I am leaning towards agnostic. I got tired of praying to something I wasn't sure was there.
  62. I feel a lot of guilt.
  63. My mother always reminded me how much she wished she had had an abortion instead of having me.
  64. I am severly in debt. Thanks, mom!
  65. I used to date someone for free drugs.

  66. I work out, not because it feels good, but in hopes that I will be thin again.
  67. I usually ignore my health problems until they are so bad that I can't function.
  68. I ♥ hoodies.
  69. I love flip flops. They are the best thing ever!
  70. I am NOT a morning person before coffee.

  71. I love being kissed on my neck and forehead.
  72. I wish I was a better writer.
  73. I love to sleep. I need at least 9 hours to feel good the next day. But I prefer 12!
  74. I got my first kiss when I was 13. Yeah.
  75. My first kiss dumped me for my best friend. Yeah.

  76. My best friend and I, used to live accross the street and get our kids together and get drunk. WE would bitch about our shitty lives. And how we got so off course.
  77. I always worry that no one will like how I cook. But I try to act non-chalant when things come out badly.
  78. I like to dye my hair. A lot.
  79. I hate how I look in pictures.
  80. I ♥ scented candles. I got a real weird thing about smells.

  81. I once broke up with someone because he hung up on me. Twice.
  82. I also broke up with someone because he had ugly and nasty feet.
  83. I lost my virginity a week before my 16th b-day. I can't remember his name. But I can remember how bad he smelled.
  84. Having sex does not end an argument for me. It just makes me feel better.
  85. I hate talking about my feelings. I hate putting that burden on others.

  86. I take the time to notice little things about everything.
  87. The first things I notice about people are their hands and eyes.
  88. I can't eat something that is too close to the expiration date. I get worried I will get food poisoning.
  89. I remember every pet I have ever had.
  90. One time, my brother found an almost dead bird. He told me to throw it up in the air to see if it would fly. It didn't and it fell to ground and died. They called me bird killer for a year. And my brother would pull on my feet when I was sleeping and say it was the bird.

  91. I used to think Freddy Krueger was going to kill me.
  92. I read all the time in junior high. It was the only thing that excited me.
  93. I am really clumsy.
  94. I love to decorate.
  95. I have a bright orange bathroom.

  96. I once threw up ramen noodles. That was not a good experience.
  97. I have to have a thick blanket when I sleep. And a lot of pillows.
  98. When I was little there was a white boy in my school. I had a crush on him. Since him, I have always had a thing for tall skinny white boys.
  99. My favorite video game used to be Tekken or Soul Caliber.
  100. I think I fell in love when I first laid eyes on RC during our change of command ceremony. He was standing there chatting up people in his white uniform. I glanced over, but looked away because I was too shy to make eye contact.
posted by The Devil @ 4:04 PM   0 comments
Thursday, November 09, 2006
10 Secrets......10 People.....
I posted this on myspace, thought it was a good idea. It's nice to put all that bad juju on "paper" instead of carrying it around. Now I can live guilt free I suppose.

1) List 10 things that you want to say to people, but never will.
2) Don't say who they are.
3) Never discuss it again.

1. You know, I thought we were friends, but you had to go and be scandalous. And that is just something I can't necessarily tolerate. I hate stupid drama. But you have to always go off and start some dumb bullshit. I'm glad that you are happy, now. Even bitches deserve to have some good in their lives.

2. I'm sorry that I did that to you. Really. I shouldn't have just broken your heart, that way. I seriously hope that you have found someone that makes you happy. I am happy, now. Thank you for always being there when I needed it. I should have been better for you, but things happen for a reason.

3. I was never going to actually stay with you. But circumstances prevented me from leaving. I don't regret what happened between us. It made me a stronger person. Thank you for aiding me in growing up. I wish I could have gotten over myself long enough to be a better partner. But I was too conflicted with my own desires of independence to even begin to be ready for what you asked of me. And if it wasn't for you, we wouldn't have had the greatest gift we have now.

4. Well, I wish I could tell you that I hate you. But I can't bring myself to do it to you. I wanted to for so long. You're always going to be a part of me, no matter how much I deny you. I needed you and you weren't there. You hurt me badly. But it's all good, because I am learning from your mistakes and seeing that it must have been difficult for you to cope with that situation. I will let him make his own judgements of you when he gets older. Maybe you can be better for him, than you were for me.

5. I thought I loved you. But as I have grown older, I realized that that wasn't love just mere infatuation. I was obsessed with what I thought was you. You lied to me for years and I was naive enough to believe you. When I found out the truth I was beyond hurt and asside with hatred for you. But I am glad that you apologized to me. And you taught me so much.

6. Keep drawing on your eyebrows, bitch. You're still ugly. And even though you tried to make my life shitty, and you did piss me off a great deal. I am all the better for it. Because as you sit at home not doing shit with your life, I am seeing so many beautiful things and experiencing life. So, I hope that no one ever treats you like you did me.

7. Hey, you! Yeah, thanks for being a shitty ass boss. Because I can now appreciate the good ones I have now. You made me a better worker and you taught me a lot about how people can be when put in positions of power. Especially those that don't deserve it.

8. I have never met you and you probably don't know about me. But I always have thoughts of you lingering in the back of my mind. I wish I could just see you. I want to know what you look like. What your voice is like. Because I carry a part of you in me. And I just want to answer some questions about myself. I know never will be able to bring myself to look for you. I just don't want to crash your life.

9. I wish I could have been a better friend to you. I want to call you sometimes, but I can't. It's so hard to know that you will never know how thankful I was for our friendship. You made a hard part of my life so much more tolerable. I hope you are in a better place now, and that you have finally found the peace you deserve.

10. You fucking crazy ass motherfucker. You taught me a lot! Without you, I probably I wouldn't have done all the things I did last year. I am glad that you taught me that I could be independent. And you said I hurt you? Well, in all honesty I don't think you ever had feelings for me. Just for yourself. You are obssessive, compulsive and psychotic in your love for yourself. And that was not healthy. Not for me, not for you. You have better things to live for, than someone who wasn't ready to love you.
posted by The Devil @ 8:23 AM   0 comments
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
I love you.
"Brighter Than Sunshine"
by Aqualung

I never understood before
I never knew what love was for
My heart was broke, my head was sore
What a feeling

Tied up in ancient history
I didnt believe in destiny
I look up you're standing next to me
What a feeling

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
Brighter than sunshine

Let the rain fall, i don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine

And it's brighter than sunshine
I never saw it happening
I'd given up and given in
I just couldn't take the hurt again

What a feeling
I didn't have the strength to fight
Suddenly you seemed so right
Me and you
What a feeling

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
It's brighter than sunshine

Let the rain fall, I don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine

It's brighter than the sun
It's brighter than the sun
It's brighter than the sun, sun, shine.

Love will remain a mystery
But give me your hand and you will see
Your heart is keeping time with me

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
It's brighter than sunshine

Let the rain fall, I don't care
I'm yours and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine

I got a feeling in my soul ...


I know you're upset with me. But I love you. And that is all I can do or say. We're in this till the end. You're it, whether you like it or not. And I wont give you up without a damn fight. So, bring it on. If you want to not talk to me, fine. I'll be here when you are ready to talk to me. Maybe I act immature a lot, but I am still young. I may not know a lot of things or how to do certain things but I do know that I Love you more than any other person I have ever cared for. I may not have the answers to every problem, but I am willing to work it out with you, because you are worth it to me. And I hope I am worth it to you.

With all that said, I LOVE you and I am sorry. Tell me what I have to do, and I'll do it.
posted by The Devil @ 8:15 AM   0 comments
Monday, November 06, 2006
Why, hello!
I know I haven't necessarily been up to date with what has been going on with everything and everyone at the moment, just completely overwhelmed with everything that has happened in my life. I finally went and got my little boy back from my XH. That was akward. But he was actually nice this time. He didn't insult me for once, and didn't try to touch me. It was actually a big sigh of relief on my part, since I think he has finally gotten the fact that we are over. I don't know, maybe he has never felt anything for me, but it sure did seem like it after we got divorced. I feel terrible for him, I wish he would find a nice woman to make him happy, and keep him out of trouble. Enough about the XH.

My baby isn't a baby anymore! He is a little man! He is so grown up, I am just amazed. I am glad that he is potty trained and has had no accidents at all since he started going on the potty. He is very independent right now. You know, he just wants to do everything himself. I am just flabbergasted at how much he can do now. I feel pretty useless sometimes, since he can get dressed by himself now, take a bath by himself, brush his teeth, wash his face, and other things like that. It just is so weird. It almost makes me want to have another baby, so I can feel needed again. But I can't bring myself to think about what life would be like, if I did have another kid. I just don't think I have to capacity to love anything as much as I love my son. So, things haven't been going as smoothly as I wish they could, but I am working on it. I am trying to balance things, but it seems as though I am going to fail one way or other. I don't really want to go all into it, even though I think I should just be free of it. I guess I can try?

RC said something last night that really upset me. I know. I suck at telling people things right then and there, but I was so upset, that I didn't want to say something that I could possibly regret in the morning. And I am glad I didn't because then, I'd be having a bad day. He went back to OH this weekend, and even though I was upset he decided to not invite me and little man, I am glad it didn't happen. I am sure he needed a break from both of us. And it was nice to spend a quiet weekend at home not doing anything at all. I was in my PJs all weekend, and it was fabulous! Little man and I just noshed on snacks, watched cartoons, and played silly games. I seem to be having a problem with controlling my temper, even though I am seriously trying not to blow up over every little thing. But I just, I don't know. I just have been really stressed out over miniscule things, I suppose. It's really shitty. I just don't feel like I have anyone to talk to.

I miss my family. A lot. I need that closeness. I need to feel like everything will work out no matter what. It's so hard to not be there and be a part of the family. I just feel so displaced, and even though I have a couple of "friends" here, I can't really go to them when I am having a personal crisis, like I can with my family. Yes, I can actually talk to my family on the phone but it's not the same. I need that reassuring look from my dad, or that smile from my step-mom. I know I should tell RC about this stuff, but it's so hard. I hate being a burden. I don't like feeling like I might stress him out because of my dumb bull crap. I just, ugh!

I am worried about things. All things. Not working out like I planned. Or am planning. It's so difficult to get ideas in my head without me thinking about everything that could possibly go wrong and try to prepare for it. I wasn't prepared for having to find civilian daycare but I managed to get it done and get him in. And it only cost me all my savings! Woo Hoo. Now I have to start from scratch once again. I feel like I will never meet my goal.

I found one of my old journals yesterday. I read through it. My desperation, my unquiet lonliness and altogether dissatisfaction with how my life was going was clearly evident on every page. It is such a change, to think that only 3 years ago I was so scared to become independent, to be free. And that in the end it was the one thing that I lived for. I wanted to be divorced. I wanted to get away. I wanted freedom. And I got it. And maybe I paid the price by having a child that is perceived as needy. But I am glad to finally be appreciated even if I may not show it all the time, and may want to be left alone most days. I am happy that he still hugs me and loves me no matter what I look like, or am like. That he still wakes up and smiles at me as though it were the first time he looked at me. And I am happy to be a mom. Whether anyone agrees with how I parent, I don't care. I am doing what I think is right.

And that is good enough for me.
posted by The Devil @ 9:45 AM   0 comments
Sunday, November 05, 2006
To the ghost of my past
My wings were broken, The tears were shed
What was not spoken, Was left for dead

You deceived me, Beyond belief
I was not let be, In my bitter grief

I struck back, I glinted steel
I was under attack, Just to feel

I saw the sun rise, And watched the sun set
I could but only sigh, And feel immense regret

Wanted to be great, Wanted to move beyond
I was utterly upset, But I was empty and wronged

And as I let go, You came to me
Begged for me so; Again, I didn't see

Second chances, Wings still torn
Lost glances, Feelings forlorn

I asked for your best, yet I received nothing.
It must have been a test, It was something?

But I can't remember, Your face or your smile
Was it in November? It's been such a while.

I sigh with relief, as I find myself today
To think that was grief! No, sir. No, way.

So, goodbye and goodnight, sleep well everynight.
As you mutter my name, and hold yourself tight.

Please remember me as I was then.
Because I am different, and happier.

Two things you will never know.
All because you decided to let go....
posted by The Devil @ 5:14 PM   0 comments
About Me

Name: The Devil
Home: Somewhere in, Texas, United States
About Me: I'm a young mom, who stresses out far too much.
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"Before you do anything, think. If you do something to try and impress someone, to be loved, accepted or even to get someone's attention, stop and think. So many people are busy trying to create an image, they die in the process."-Salma Hayek
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