I have this pocket on my board labeled "Pocketfull of Wishes". I have yet to actually put a wish in there, for I have grown to disbelieve wishing will actually accomplish anything in this world. So here I go, maybe if I write them down, I can actually start trying to make these come true. So here goes:

1. I wish for patience. I need it desperately like I need air. I need to be more patient in all my undertakings in the world.
2. I wish for unconditional love. Open, free love; not necessarily open relationships, but real and trusting love that actually lasts longer than I can hope for.
3. I wish to understand others better. To be able to communicate without judgement, without lies, without my lack of compassion for others.
4. I wish to grant every wish my son has to him. I never want to fail him. I want to be his beloved, as he is mine.
5. I wish to be a more loyal friend. It's not that I think I am a bad friend, I just tend to get wrapped up in the moment and forget to keep in touch with those near and dear to my heart.
6. I wish to succesfully make someone in this world happy. I mean truly happy. To make them feel fulfilled however I can.
7. I wish to learn how to become a photographer.
8. I wish to make my son's childhood happy. I know I can do a lot more with what I have, but I don't think I have made the effort.
9. I wish I were a better "soldier".
10. I wish that I didn't give up on my many endeavors, from the smallest ones to the larger goals that I have made for myself.
11. I wish I could learn how not to be disappointed with people. Or maybe I should learn how not to expect so much, yet receive so little.
12. I wish to be able to give 110% of me all the time, to everyone. No exceptions!
13. I wish that I can actually open up all parts of my heart and let love in. I am still learning how to do this. And I'm getting better at it, but I still have many doors closed inside. If only I can find the proper keys to succeed in this.
14. I wish to know myself before I settle down again (if I ever do again!). I want to know that I have been able to take care of myself, before I rely on someone else to be there for me.
15. I wish to be free from all the demons that still haunt my heart. I need to learn forgiveness for myself and others who have trampled on my heart.

"Most plain girls are virtuous because of the scarcity of opportunity to be otherwise."

Material Things

• Entertainment Center
• Entertainment system
• Bookshelves
• Computer desk
• Cable/Internet
• Phone (both cell and house)
• Clothes
• Shoes (especially some nice black books or FMBs)
• Dresser for my room
• Bedroom set
• Digital camera
• New car seat
• TV and DVD player for Gabe
• A gift card to a nice salon so I can get my hair "did"

Now I don't think I will get any of these things anytime soon, just because I am only an e4 with a lot of bills, trying to take care of a 2 year old, and trying to get back on my feet. I just wanted to write all this stuff down. I guess to make me feel better, like maybe I'm not the only materialistic person in the world.

Thanksgiving weekend was a lot of fun, and I also got to experience a lot of new things. Some of these I have actually never done or experienced..actually all of them! So, I decided I would list them here, for your enjoyment.

1. Saw real snow falling on Wednesday night. It was absolutely beautiful. It looked like what I have seen on tv my whole life. I can't wait for it to snow again. It was amazing!
   
2. I cooked my first turkey, actually my first Thanksgiving dinner, and it was good. No one complained and they seemed to enjoy it! I was really worried!
   
3. I morphed into my mother on Thursday. I totally melted down on Thursday afternoon. I was really stressing, and just feeling like a failure as a parent. It is so hard to be a single parent. I realized that on Thursday.
   
4. I kept up with all the dirty dishes most of Thursday. I invited people to my house and didn't freak out the whole time they were there. I actually was at ease.
   
5. I saw Randy "dressed-up" on Thursday. My, oh, my....did he look scrumptious!
   
6. I didn't wear make-up all day on Thursday. Can you believe it?
   
7. I posed in lingerie for Randy, and I let him take a picture (to keep him occupied when he leaves me, I suppose?).
   
8. I went to Lakeforest mall and didn't buy a thing. I know, I KNOW!!! They even had a sale at Express (my fave store) and I didn't spend a dime!
   
9. I started baking things I have never baked before, and they were good!
   
10. I didn't get all my stuff ready for this morning and I slept in until 5:10 this morning.
    
11. I was super patient with Gabe this morning, and I even stayed a couple minutes with him at Daycare, even though I was 5 minutes late already.
    
12. I thought about actually trying to talk to my boss-lady and tell her that I wish she wasn't such a high riding bitch with me, but I haven't, yet!
    

• For having Gabriel as my child, even though he frustrates me and I get so pissed off at him a lot of the time because he wont listen. I still love him unconditionally.
• For Randy, because he loves me and treats me better than I have ever been treated. He listens to me rant and doesn't complain.
• For my family. Yes, we are a big mess and we have so much drama, but we love each other and are always there when we need each other.
• For my ex-husband. Odd, maybe? But he taught me a lot about relationships and what I am willing to sacrifice in them. I have learned about who I am, and who I refuse to be.
• For the people I work with. Yes, they get on my nerves, but they have been a mini-support group when I was down on my luck.
• For every bad and good experience I have had. They have molded me into the person that I am today.
• For being in the Army. I have proved just about everyone wrong about me. I'm not a little sissy girl, dammit!
• For the people who donated all the wonderful food that I shall cook for Thanksgiving.
• For all the people who will take a chance and eat my Thanksgiving dinner....lol...
• For cat naps, in the middle of the day, when you are tired.
• For Child Support Checks arriving just in time.
• For bed time stories, so I can spend an extra 15 minutes being silly with my son.
• For being able to sleep in sometimes.
• For my morning coffee and smoke, before I have to start the day.
• For hot showers, followed by a warm towel.
• For make-up to cover unexpected pimples and hickeys.....lol....
• For daydreaming, goals, dreams, hope, and faith.
• For my warm blanket, and my wonderful body pillow...that huge bed also helps...it's like buttah.
• For my heated leather seats....yum, toasty butt!

She played mommy to this child, as best she could, falling short of expectations that were held by her husband's family. She disappointed them. They disappointed her. She started to resent them, and said husband for lack of support and understanding. She was called an overbearing mother, too young and naive to really know how to be good enough, they said. They dissected her every decision and questioned the paternity, her, and her parenting skills. She fell hard. But not into love with her husband. She fell into hatred. What a thin line, between love and hate, they said. She could no longer keep on with this passive-agressive role she had taken. Constantly defending herself. It was a war zone, and she was never born a fighter. She was tired, weak, and had lost all hope to someday be good enough for someone.

He left. For six months. Because of his job. She stayed alone. For a couple months. His friends would come and go at first, being supportive. Then they all stopped coming around. He left her broke, with a young, sick baby to care for on her own. She dropped her college courses before she even began. Her dreams of becoming an educated woman were ruined. Not by a child, but by a man. Who was supposed to love, honor and obey her, and vice versa. Or so said vows were said the previous year. Then along came a man, disguising himself as a friend.

He was understanding. He cared. She liked him. Developed feelings that were stupid for him. She let him in. Not only in her heart but in herself. Then, husband was coming back. She left friend. Sadly and tearfully, but she left him. It was hard to let him go. He opened up a part of her that would never fully close. She demanded divorce from husband. He laughed. Then cried. Asked for a second chance. And after a second of reconsideration, she accepted it. Making a mental note that six months was all she would give him.

Fast forward to eight months later. Same couple with a young child. Still married. Still miserable. Counseling was unfounded and unhelpful. She drank too much, bitched too much, was unhappy too much. He wanted more than she would give. She wanted more than he could offer. She was stubborn and worn down. Exhausted from a life she never desired for herself. But to other who looked in, it was a perfect union. No one suspected any resentment or hatred. He had started to lay hands on her. But she taught him a lesson once, and he learned it well. No more hands on this woman, end of story. Well, at least that one.

She moved out, for the first time. He still came by everyday. She still cooked and cleaned for him. So what was the difference? She had no clue. But that is how it was. She met someone else. Someone who excited her and made her feel alive, when she had almost felt dead. He fulfilled the romance that she craved. And she thanked her God for sending such a wonderful blessing into her heart. He was great, or so she believed. He treated her child as though it were his own, and he treated her like gold. He was accepting of her mistakes and realized that she was not perfect. But that she would try to make him happy, whatever the cost. Then, he started to frighten her. She feared for her life and her son. She tried to leave him, but he insisted. He made her miserable. She couldn't find help. For he had isolated her, just as her husband had. She was stupid for making the same mistake twice in a row. She was thankful, when the military decided to move her again. This time, to Maryland. And off she went, this damsel-in-distress.

She arrived to Maryland, alone. No friends, family, or aquantances in the immediate area. She had never truly been on her own. She got her own place. This time without the soon to be ex husband lounging around in his underwear, requesting food and beer. She had her own things. But most importantly, she had her own freedom. Something that can not be purchased. She was going to learn just how much her heart could take, on her own. She found her inner strenght again. She spoke for herself, and did as she pleased. She made a couple mistakes. Picked the wrong people and friends to be with, but she took them as learning experiences. She had learned to appreciate a good thing when she saw it.

Then, one day at work, she saw someone that caught her eye. She was captivated by this person. He was tall, and just the cutest thing she had seen. He was what she had wanted. But she took her time with it. She didn't want to rush into anything again. And after all she had been through she was afraid that he might be mentally unstable, or abusive. Or just an asshole. But she would see him, and like him more each time they talked. He was genuinely sweet. Not saccharine or artificial. He was real. He asked her out. She ran away and laughed. Not in a mean way, but just balked at the idea. She was fearful of falling again. She took a chance. After much consideration, and just threw out her self doubts and insecurities out the window. She wanted to be open minded. If it wasn't romance he was after, maybe she would at least gain a good friend.

Gradually, she started to fall for this mysteriously kind person. He was what she had wanted. Honest, kind, loving, caring, loyal and just overall a good person. She felt she had met her equal. And it was good. I would love to say they lived happily ever after. But I don't know if she has, yet. It became serious really quickly. He gave her the kind of commitment she longed for. And she was ever grateful for this. For she had finally found someone to make her feel good about herself, and he accepts her as she is. With the young child, ex-husband, flaws and all. So maybe sometime, I can tell you that this story has a happy ending. But I am still awaiting this answer. And they are, too.