| Friday, September 08, 2006 |
| Acerbic |
A definition.
a‧cer‧bic: Show Spelled Pronunciation[uh-sur-bik] Pronunciation Key
–adjective
1.
sour or astringent in taste: Lemon juice is acerbic.
2.
harsh or severe, as of temper or expression: acerbic criticism.
Wow, that stings.
I have been called many things in my short life, but only a few stick with me.
I know my sense of "humor" is quite different and dry.
I know I am not an easy person to get along with.
I used to be nice.
I also used to be a welcome mat for tragedy and sadness.
And in order to stop the oocurence of this, I have put up a defense system inside of me that would rather berate someone than to let them know how mushy I am inside. I know it's not a healthy thing to teach a child, I recognize that. But it is so hard to be a good person and be genuinely sweet, when everyone is just trying to use you or screw you over. RC has called me rude. Others balk at my comments. I am just as scared of rejection as everyone else, so why must I reject everyone in order to stop it from happening to me. I feel like I have created something that I can't necessarily stop anymore. I don't want to be seen as rude or crass. I am a good person inside, but since I have my defenses up so high, not a lot of people realize that I am actually nice and in some instances sweet. I wish I could blame it on my childhood or even on my parents, but I can't. I have unveiled it all on my own. I have learned the hard way how to roll with the punches, and I have also learned that they never stop coming. I hate the fact that people may view me as a bitch, or mean. I am really, neither. I am straightforward and even blunt. But I try to be kind with my words, and I usually fail. I hate that.
I see my son growing up, flourishing. And I regret so many instances where I have lost my head in anger, or have taken out my bad days on him. I have done it to RC, also. I bite my tongue. I hang my head. And everyonce in awhile I let the tears flow. I bleed, I cry, I hurt. I am just like everyone around me. Yet, I am the person that you see as rude, or acerbic. Or just downright mean. I can't even look at my son's face on my desk, because I hurt so much inside thinking that I am actually making him a bad person for not knowing how to make myself better. I don't know how I got here. Or what to do now, that I am at this place of recognition and of acceptance. I know that I am a terribly sarcastic person. I know I have a wagging tongue with daggers that fly out in rapid bursts. I want to not be this way. I want to be adjusted. I want to be an adult.
I am tired of being a mean girl.
And yes, it still stings. Deep inside. |
posted by The Devil @ 11:00 AM  |
|
|
|
|
| About Me |
|
Name: The Devil
Home: Somewhere in, Texas, United States
About Me: I'm a young mom, who stresses out far too much.
See my complete profile
|
| Dear Diary |
|
| Past Indiscretions |
|
|
| Shoutbox |
"Before you do anything, think. If you do something to try and impress someone, to be loved, accepted or even to get someone's attention, stop and think. So many people are busy trying to create an image, they die in the process."-Salma Hayek |
| The Ones I Adore |
|
|
| Powered by |
 |
|
