Will I ever make it home....: Grudges

Will I ever make it home....

Monday, August 28, 2006

Grudges

I think there is a lot of internal work that I need to start. I wish I could rewire myself sometimes, and sort of start off new. But it's hard to. I don't know where to start. I am one of those people that forgives easily, but believe me I will never forget. Once someone crosses me the wrong way, my defenses will be up permanently. It is the one aspect of my personality that really bothers me. I mean sure I have many others. But they all sort of tie in to this one. This is the after effect of those emotions. I do put up my defense in new situations. I am terribly sarcastic, and even rude at times. Why? Because I don't want to get hurt. It's sort of a veil I hide behind, as I walk down the aisle of life. I hide behind that. I am scared and wounded. I don't want to be seen for who I am. I am sensitive and emotional. I am also honest. It is my greatest strenght and weakness. I can't just "get over" things. I have never been able to. And I am ashamed to admit it. I know I am not perfect, and I know I should damn well try to be. But it's hard to feel so damaged. I am jealous without reason, I get angry over the smallest thing, and I am passive aggressive. I don't want to be these things. It's not a healthy environment for a child to thrive, much less love. I doubt myself a lot these days. I am insecure. I need reassurance from those around me that even though I may be a tyrant with my words, that I am still capable of being lovable. And that they wont abandon me once I let them down. After all, I am human. I fall, I get dirty. I crash to the earth, and bleed like everyone else.

With the availability of myspace now, well it makes it easy to keep in touch with people I haven't talked to or seen in years. Even the ones that I never have forgiven for past misdoings. For example, this girl (let's nickname her Blonde Girl, or BG for short), found me. We used to be inseparable. We would hang out and my family loved her. It was cool. We were complete opposites. But together we began to rule my high school. We were a team. And with that came certain privledges. I know, this sounds like the plot to a stupid teen movie, but hold on...okay?

So, in the escense of the movie Thirteen I was her Tracy to my Evie. She was the bad girl, and I the good girl. I had never done drugs, had sex and so on. She exposed me to so many things. But I wont go into great detail about it.

A couple months go by. I see us being divided, slowly. Mechanically. All I will say is we fell out of touch. She really hurt me. And misused my trust. Well, she found me on myspace. And now she wont leave me alone. It's not that I still harbor bad feelings, but I feel like I can't trust her if she has screwed be before. I told her that I was still upset with her, she said she was sorry. But somehow, I find it hard to believe. I know I am not perfect and that I too have hurt people along my path. But I wont ask for forgiveness unless I truly know that I am sorry. I am not sorry for a lot of things, and maybe I am just immature, but I'll apologize when I am ready and truthful about it.

I have learned a lot in the past couple years about people who misuse your trust. I have learned that I used to retrust so easily and just look like a bigger fool in the end. So, I have used these instances as examples for everyone. I sort of have a throw away policy. If you screw me over once, I throw you away. It may not be right, but it's the truth. I have been hurt too many times to be wasting my time any longer with people who are just out to use me. I am honest. It's not like I don't let people know of this policy. I don't have the patience to keep forgiving and to keep letting things slide.

Yes, I am a keeper of a grudge. I just....well, I am ashamed to admit it. But you know what, I guess the first step to recovery would be acceptance. I am recognizing the fact that I have a problem and that I want to work on it. I wish I wasn't so cynical. I wish I was more forgetful and mindful that I am not the first person in history to have had my heart broken, or been hurt by someone's words or actions. And in all actuallity, I guess I don't want my son to be so unforgiving like I am. I am setting a bad example for him. I am not being a good catholic as my family would say. I mean he is still learning about himself and how to conduct himself. I don't want him to think that holding a grudge is an acceptable form of behavior. I don't want him to get trampled on and become cynical as I have.

So, how does one get past indiscretions, or past hurts? How can I help myself past being navie but not all the way to cynicism? How can I get to that place of utimate forgiveness, or of patience with mistakes that people make? I want to be different. But would that alter who I am so used to being? I want to be a better person. For my son, for Randy, for my family, but most importantly for myself. I don't mean to keep rambling, but I feel so lost. So confused about which path is the one to take. So wish me luck.

Because I think I will try to put down my grudge. And I will try to be friends with BG and with the other whore who screwed me over.

Again.

posted by The Devil @ 8:45 AM

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