Will I ever make it home....: 15 days.....

Will I ever make it home....

Sunday, June 25, 2006

15 days.....

Is all it took. I am amazed. My XH succeeded where I have miserably failed. He has motivated Gabe enough to be potty trained in 15 days. I had tried but decided not to push him too much. Not to make him feel inadequate in any way for not being interested.

I have missed him terribly. And he has had 2 trips to seaworld, an afternoon bike ride almost everyday, endless popsicles, and gotten to hang out with his daddy. Who has a big house. With a big backyard. For him to run around in. Now don't get me wrong! RC and I have a pretty nice house, considering the area, and our pay bracket. But I don't have a half acre lot, or a beautiful house built just how I wanted it. No, I am renting away a place, that I do love, but I will never own. It pisses me off. Not in a "I wish you were worse off than me, and miserable!" kind of way, but in "You so don't deserve that!" kind of way. He gets the best time of the year with Gabe, albeit the hottest, and he gets to look like the cool parent, because he isn't here for 8 months out of the year to play mommy and daddy.

If Gabe comes back looking raggedy, or acting like a fool...I think I will have to rethink joint conservatorship. I just...have so much on my mind. I don't know where to put it all. I am internally stressing out about so much. I can't seem to concentrate. Like right now I need to be doing my SOPs and my studying for my LAT exam. I mean, that could be a real opportunity there. I could get me LATG and get a great job, starting with even better pay than what I thought. Not bad for someone with no college degree, just "vocational and on the job training" and hands on experience.

I just...blah! I don't know where to begin with how I feel. I am pissed off. I guess at circumstances. For not being brave enough. For not being more ruthless. For not being what I want to be. For giving up on myself without a fight! I need to do something! Stop sitting here being all pitiful like something or someone will come along to help me out. Ugh! I don't know what this post is really about. Maybe I am just mad at my decision making. Mad at the fact that I give up so easily. That I claim to be stubborn, but in fact am nothing more than just a pushover. I have always been this way. Probably always will. I want to stand up for myself. But without causing a riot. I want to believe in myself but without sacrificing anything. That's the most upsetting part. I know I am getting screwed and in most settings I am the first one to say "Fuck You!" But I can't here. Because my child is entangled in it all. I don't want him to think he is the cause of all the ruckus. But he is. And I am. And his father. Why? Because we want different things for him. I want a certain childhood. Full of love, laughter, and a sense of family belonging. A place for him to smile about because the warmth of those memories fill his heart. Not a place where he is being shuffled between two homes, each one broken in it's own way.

Did I want the divorce? YES. Why? Because I weighed my options. MARRIED: I was the epitome of unhappy, alchoholic wife/bitch who pretended to love all his friends and kept the house immaculate and spent countless hours cooking while maintaining an appearance of perfection to everyone around us. I would have killed myself had my son not been the only thing that made me happy. Or DIVORCED: Struggle for awhile until my finances got back in order, try to raise a boy on my own most of the year, while living 1800 miles away from my closest relatives, find someone eventually who understood me and loved me for me and not what they wanted me to pretend to be. So, I went with divorced. Yes, it's been a hell of a trip. (Thank goodness ya'll weren't here for that!) Maybe someday I will post some of my journal entries from back then....Eh, maybe not!

I just..I don't know. I am tired of feeling so guilty. So torn. So tired of it all. I am impatient, selfish, and just not good at it. I am trying to do the things I said I would. To better myself. For my child. For RC. I don't know if we'll work out. I can just say that I will keep trying. And I hope that we do. He makes me happy. Yes, we get on each other's nerves. And yes, we get cranky and take it out on each other. But I know each night before I drift off to sleep that he loves me. And that I love him. And there is nothing more beautiful than that. Just like I know that I will always love me son no matter what happens. And I just hope I am as deserving of both of their love as they are of mine. I'm not perfect. And neither are they. Or anyone else for that matter. I am human. I feel, I bleed, I do all the things that you do (well, except for that...Specy....)....and I just want to say that I am going through a rough patch in my life right now. I am not at all well. I want certain things and I feel certain things that aren't meant to be. Everything will work out the way it needs to.

And with that....I love you, my baby boy. Momma's so proud of you!

posted by The Devil @ 6:38 PM

1 Comments:

At 12:30 PM, Terri said…

Don't worry HB, we all go through what you are going through at sometime in our lives. Some of us more than others. It sounds like you are doing right by your child, you are enjoying your relationship, and you are getting through one day at a time. The real truth is we can't ask for much than that.