Will I ever make it home....: How are you?

Will I ever make it home....

Monday, April 24, 2006

How are you?

I hate when people ask me this. For many reasons. It's only a polite question. Not directed to actually try to figure out how you are doing, in reality. I'm not fine. But I always answer with a polite "I'm fine." To be honest, I feel quite unfullfilled. I feel like I haven't accomplished much. Yes, I have a child. And I am raising him. But as far as cultivating any type of solid future for myself, I have only achieved the title of "housewife". And nothing much. I am "perfect" marrying material as my family has put it. I know how to keep house and how to cook. I can raise a child, and work full time. I shut my mouth, and I am willing to be a "lady in the streets", while maitaining a "freak in the sheets" attitude about sex. But that is what I had never wanted for myself. I wanted to amount to more than my mother was. But as I look back I am on the same track she was on at my age.

So, upon realizing that I haven't done much to really enrich myself, I figured this summer instead of moping in depression and drinking myself into oblivion, I would actually get out and give back to the local community. I wanted to do volunteer work at the DC Rape Crisis Center. But the training is 8 weeks long and starts in May. I would miss at least a couple weeks of training, since I have to go back to Texas in June. And the commitment is a year long, where you work at least 4 days a month, 2 days on the 24 hour hotline, and 2 days with their advocacy groups. I know I want to do something like this. It's something that is very near to my heart. It is nothing that any woman should ever experience. I was never brutalized like some people I have known, but I was nonetheless degraded. I don't know if I can talk about it just yet. Maybe eventually with time, and the right encouragement. But I do want to help people.

Anyone who knows me and knows what I do, would probably say I should do work with animals. Back in Texas I tried to volunteer at a local dog rescue. It's sort of a way of having pets without having them. And it would be good for me to do, as far as a job experience and getting my name out to a different field than what I am in. I would love to do rescue work! It's a good cause, and you're helping the ones who can't help themselves. There are so many opportunities just waiting to be seized. Maybe I will volunteer for more than just one thing. Maybe I will find a way to do the Rape Center thing without having to miss the training. And I could have time to do the dog rescue, if I can find one around the area!

I plan on taking online classes. I will be 23. I have no college education. Yes, I know I am a dumbass for not having gone to college before I had my child, but since I can't change the choices that I have made and I wouldn't change them if I could. I just feel like I haven't done enough with my life. I haven't guaranteed a secure future for myself, much less my son. I have been living an existential life. Taking everything a day at a time. I know where I work. I know I will go home. I know I will do the same thing tomorrow. I want to know that I will have this until I am ready to retire. Not exactly where I am at right now, but a job, the benefits, the opportunity to grow, and just the overall security that I can take care of myself. But I also want to help people. Why? It's just always been in my nature to want to be someone in the community. The person who can help. It's me! Some of ya'll are probably puking or gagging, but I like the way I feel when I volunteer to help others. I feel at peace, fullfilled, and joyous. Thankful for my meager blessings. I am a very lucky person to be able to still have compassion for people and their different situations.

So, maybe this summer I will be busy motivating RC to attend school. And doing some good volunteer work. I can't wait! I just hope that Gabe is happy to go with his daddy for a little bit. I want him to have fun, and to make great memories with his father. They both deserve it! Ya'll have a great week!

posted by The Devil @ 9:45 AM

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