Will I ever make it home....
Sunday, June 25, 2006
15 days.....
Is all it took. I am amazed. My XH succeeded where I have miserably failed. He has motivated Gabe enough to be potty trained in 15 days. I had tried but decided not to push him too much. Not to make him feel inadequate in any way for not being interested.

I have missed him terribly. And he has had 2 trips to seaworld, an afternoon bike ride almost everyday, endless popsicles, and gotten to hang out with his daddy. Who has a big house. With a big backyard. For him to run around in. Now don't get me wrong! RC and I have a pretty nice house, considering the area, and our pay bracket. But I don't have a half acre lot, or a beautiful house built just how I wanted it. No, I am renting away a place, that I do love, but I will never own. It pisses me off. Not in a "I wish you were worse off than me, and miserable!" kind of way, but in "You so don't deserve that!" kind of way. He gets the best time of the year with Gabe, albeit the hottest, and he gets to look like the cool parent, because he isn't here for 8 months out of the year to play mommy and daddy.

If Gabe comes back looking raggedy, or acting like a fool...I think I will have to rethink joint conservatorship. I just...have so much on my mind. I don't know where to put it all. I am internally stressing out about so much. I can't seem to concentrate. Like right now I need to be doing my SOPs and my studying for my LAT exam. I mean, that could be a real opportunity there. I could get me LATG and get a great job, starting with even better pay than what I thought. Not bad for someone with no college degree, just "vocational and on the job training" and hands on experience.

I just...blah! I don't know where to begin with how I feel. I am pissed off. I guess at circumstances. For not being brave enough. For not being more ruthless. For not being what I want to be. For giving up on myself without a fight! I need to do something! Stop sitting here being all pitiful like something or someone will come along to help me out. Ugh! I don't know what this post is really about. Maybe I am just mad at my decision making. Mad at the fact that I give up so easily. That I claim to be stubborn, but in fact am nothing more than just a pushover. I have always been this way. Probably always will. I want to stand up for myself. But without causing a riot. I want to believe in myself but without sacrificing anything. That's the most upsetting part. I know I am getting screwed and in most settings I am the first one to say "Fuck You!" But I can't here. Because my child is entangled in it all. I don't want him to think he is the cause of all the ruckus. But he is. And I am. And his father. Why? Because we want different things for him. I want a certain childhood. Full of love, laughter, and a sense of family belonging. A place for him to smile about because the warmth of those memories fill his heart. Not a place where he is being shuffled between two homes, each one broken in it's own way.

Did I want the divorce? YES. Why? Because I weighed my options. MARRIED: I was the epitome of unhappy, alchoholic wife/bitch who pretended to love all his friends and kept the house immaculate and spent countless hours cooking while maintaining an appearance of perfection to everyone around us. I would have killed myself had my son not been the only thing that made me happy. Or DIVORCED: Struggle for awhile until my finances got back in order, try to raise a boy on my own most of the year, while living 1800 miles away from my closest relatives, find someone eventually who understood me and loved me for me and not what they wanted me to pretend to be. So, I went with divorced. Yes, it's been a hell of a trip. (Thank goodness ya'll weren't here for that!) Maybe someday I will post some of my journal entries from back then....Eh, maybe not!

I just..I don't know. I am tired of feeling so guilty. So torn. So tired of it all. I am impatient, selfish, and just not good at it. I am trying to do the things I said I would. To better myself. For my child. For RC. I don't know if we'll work out. I can just say that I will keep trying. And I hope that we do. He makes me happy. Yes, we get on each other's nerves. And yes, we get cranky and take it out on each other. But I know each night before I drift off to sleep that he loves me. And that I love him. And there is nothing more beautiful than that. Just like I know that I will always love me son no matter what happens. And I just hope I am as deserving of both of their love as they are of mine. I'm not perfect. And neither are they. Or anyone else for that matter. I am human. I feel, I bleed, I do all the things that you do (well, except for that...Specy....)....and I just want to say that I am going through a rough patch in my life right now. I am not at all well. I want certain things and I feel certain things that aren't meant to be. Everything will work out the way it needs to.

And with that....I love you, my baby boy. Momma's so proud of you!
posted by The Devil @ 6:38 PM   1 comments
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
A picture story....

Well, for those who don't know RC, Gabe and I decided to go back to my home state of the big, wonderful, and beautiful Texas. I sure did miss all the good food.

Texas... Born & Raised!

Abuelita & Gabe

Turtle, Turtle!

"Just keep swimming!"

Do the monkey!

I'll post the rest later. I just thought I would give ya'll a preview of my trip....Enjoy!


posted by The Devil @ 6:55 AM   0 comments
Friday, June 09, 2006
"See you later"
That is it. No more.

Until October. Till I see your shinning face again. Hear your tender sweet nothings in my ear. Till I can feel your warm embrace. Till I can experience your loving affection.

I sit here yearning.

Burning for you. I will continue to simmer. I will continue to love from a distance. The shadow behind you. The blanket to caress you at night. I will be your comfort. You happiness and joy. Just as you are mine.

Tomorrow, I leave you. Not behind. But just here.

Without truly knowing if you'll understand. If you'll forgive me. Will it all wash away when you see me again. Will you miss my smell, my smile, my voice, my touch? Will you miss how I look at you? Will you miss me laughing with you? Will you miss my impatience? My anger?

As I lay in bed, not being able to sleep, I wonder how you are. I wonder what you doing, or thinking. Who will receive your affection? Who is there to embrace you throughout the day? Who will kiss your eyes each night, and whisper in your ear? Who will have a secret for you when you want one? Who will have a surprise for you when you get home?

Not me. NOT ME.

Do you understand? Maybe not. You probably resent me. I have seen your hot tears falling when you see me turn away.

I bite my tongue, my cheek, my lip. I don't want to go. But I have to.

Our time is done. You are not mine anymore. I will always belong to you, but you are no longer binded to me. You are no longer dependent of me. You have entered another stage in your life where you are better off like this.

Tonight will be the most difficult of every other night. I will see you again. With my painted on smile, my pained eyes, my lonely hands, my empty arms. I want you there. With me.

But no!

It wont be me. It's not ME.

I love you. And I always will.

I will yearn for you and everything you do. The way you know how to get on my nerves. The way you dance without rhythm. Without beat. But with so much heart that it flows out of you. I will miss your beautiful eyes looking at me. Your hot tears on my cheek. Your selfish embrace. Your everything. Demands and pleas. All the attention you wanted. I will miss it.

I hope it is easier for you. Because I feel like I have just died a little bit inside.

I will always keep dying when you leave. Forever.

You were mine. I love you.

How can I just turn around, walk away when I can so clearly see you don't understand. How can I make you understand that I made this decision with your best interest in mind? How I can explain it to you in terms that wont mislead you? I love you. LOVE YOU. It aches me to know you aren't near to me. To not be able to just walk over and see you.


I will be far away. But please know that I will leave you my heart.
posted by The Devil @ 3:56 PM   0 comments
About Me

Name: The Devil
Home: Somewhere in, Texas, United States
About Me: I'm a young mom, who stresses out far too much.
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"Before you do anything, think. If you do something to try and impress someone, to be loved, accepted or even to get someone's attention, stop and think. So many people are busy trying to create an image, they die in the process."-Salma Hayek

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