Will I ever make it home....: "I'm fuzzy and blue.."

Will I ever make it home....

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

"I'm fuzzy and blue.."

I can't even begin to put into words how I feel.

It's insecurity. I know, I know. I just get all freaked out about everything. It's me. It's what I do. I'm only human, and you can't possibly expect me to be all confident all the time. It's just not the way shit works.

I don't know what it is, really. I just....feel this throbbing in my heart. It's so painful. Like emotional pain. I see his beautiful smiling face looking back at me from every corner....and I just am filled with this longing, this terrible ache. I feel so empty. So much like an eggshell. I just want it to stop filling in with this aching and desire. To feel him near me. To experience his wonderful kisses, his warm embrace, to be welcomed back into his heart. Does he miss me? Does he think about me? Does he still remember me? Will he want to come back to me?

I just can't accept it. It hurts too much. It stings my heart. It insults my mind. It aches in every inch of my body. I want him back. I don't want to let him go so easily. I'm helpless. I feel like a vacant person. Haunted by his laugh. Coming back home is hard when it is so bare. There are no giggles in the background. No scurrying around upstairs. No movies playing in the background. It's so naked. The room is clean, and blue. The toys in their place, the clothes put away. It's all clandestine. Veiled with a false sense of hope for me. As though, I have lost him in a way that I can't explain. But I haven't and I wont. So many decisions to make in the next year.

Should I go back to Texas as planned once I am done. Should I stay in longer? Will I be able to succeed in the civilian world? Am I too "militarized" now? I just don't know. I can only hope and pray in my mind that things make sense. And that they start falling into place. But they haven't just, yet. Getting away from my XH was a great decision. Will moving back be hurtful? Would it be more beneficial for me? I have no clue. Will RC want to go with me? I know he would be happy to have Specy close by, since that is like his brother. And I wouldn't mind being closer to my family and my dear friends. Yes, I like the distance at times, but I miss the connection. Each time I return home, I feel more and more displaced. Like I don't belong. Like we have outgrown each other.

And that frankly is not a feeling I want to experience. In my culture family is a structurized moving, flowing entity. Different branches working together for a greater good. We all raise our children together, and are constantly caring for the elders in our brood. I can't have that because I am here. So, Gabe doesn't know his cousins, doesn't know his aunts and uncles or his grandparents. That is not what I wanted for my child. I need that emotional support from them. There are just some times when I need comfort from my father or brothers. There are things that they solely will always understand. That no matter how much explanation RC will never fully grasp. It's not his fault. Nor do I blame him for anything going on right now. He has however influenced this influx of emotions. I am so torn. I had my heart set on going back home when I was done with my time here. And now....

Someone threw a damn monkey wrench in my life. I love RC. And I know eventually down the line, in like 5 or 6 years, we'll probably get married or what not. I am so not ready to rush into anything. I know I love him and that he loves me too. It's great. We can talk to each other, we don't argue, we get along with each other's families, and we have made it okay sharing spaces. Maybe when we both feel ready, and completely convinced we'll get married. But I think we both want a long test drive before we actually get all legal and shit. LOL.....Sorry....

So where is it all going? WHO AM I? I don't know. I am still growing, learning, and experiencing life one moment at a time. I am still lost in my head, I have no real direction. All I know is that I want to be happy. And I want Gabe to be happy as well. Will they happen all the time? I know they wont, I mean I am still a realist. Will RC and I work out? WHO KNOWS? All I know is that I will try and put in the effort to make this work out. And if that isn't enough, then I guess it will be time to move on. But I am happy with him. I just wish I knes more about the actual place where I will end up, ya know? Like, will I end up staying here in Maryland....or will I finally make a break for it and get back to Texas? I just don't know.....

"I'm fuzzy and blue
You see I'm fuzzy and blue
Yeah, me I'm happy to be
So fuzzy and blue "

Grover

posted by The Devil @ 9:53 AM

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