Will I ever make it home....: Why, hello!

Will I ever make it home....

Monday, November 06, 2006

Why, hello!

I know I haven't necessarily been up to date with what has been going on with everything and everyone at the moment, just completely overwhelmed with everything that has happened in my life. I finally went and got my little boy back from my XH. That was akward. But he was actually nice this time. He didn't insult me for once, and didn't try to touch me. It was actually a big sigh of relief on my part, since I think he has finally gotten the fact that we are over. I don't know, maybe he has never felt anything for me, but it sure did seem like it after we got divorced. I feel terrible for him, I wish he would find a nice woman to make him happy, and keep him out of trouble. Enough about the XH.

My baby isn't a baby anymore! He is a little man! He is so grown up, I am just amazed. I am glad that he is potty trained and has had no accidents at all since he started going on the potty. He is very independent right now. You know, he just wants to do everything himself. I am just flabbergasted at how much he can do now. I feel pretty useless sometimes, since he can get dressed by himself now, take a bath by himself, brush his teeth, wash his face, and other things like that. It just is so weird. It almost makes me want to have another baby, so I can feel needed again. But I can't bring myself to think about what life would be like, if I did have another kid. I just don't think I have to capacity to love anything as much as I love my son. So, things haven't been going as smoothly as I wish they could, but I am working on it. I am trying to balance things, but it seems as though I am going to fail one way or other. I don't really want to go all into it, even though I think I should just be free of it. I guess I can try?

RC said something last night that really upset me. I know. I suck at telling people things right then and there, but I was so upset, that I didn't want to say something that I could possibly regret in the morning. And I am glad I didn't because then, I'd be having a bad day. He went back to OH this weekend, and even though I was upset he decided to not invite me and little man, I am glad it didn't happen. I am sure he needed a break from both of us. And it was nice to spend a quiet weekend at home not doing anything at all. I was in my PJs all weekend, and it was fabulous! Little man and I just noshed on snacks, watched cartoons, and played silly games. I seem to be having a problem with controlling my temper, even though I am seriously trying not to blow up over every little thing. But I just, I don't know. I just have been really stressed out over miniscule things, I suppose. It's really shitty. I just don't feel like I have anyone to talk to.

I miss my family. A lot. I need that closeness. I need to feel like everything will work out no matter what. It's so hard to not be there and be a part of the family. I just feel so displaced, and even though I have a couple of "friends" here, I can't really go to them when I am having a personal crisis, like I can with my family. Yes, I can actually talk to my family on the phone but it's not the same. I need that reassuring look from my dad, or that smile from my step-mom. I know I should tell RC about this stuff, but it's so hard. I hate being a burden. I don't like feeling like I might stress him out because of my dumb bull crap. I just, ugh!

I am worried about things. All things. Not working out like I planned. Or am planning. It's so difficult to get ideas in my head without me thinking about everything that could possibly go wrong and try to prepare for it. I wasn't prepared for having to find civilian daycare but I managed to get it done and get him in. And it only cost me all my savings! Woo Hoo. Now I have to start from scratch once again. I feel like I will never meet my goal.

I found one of my old journals yesterday. I read through it. My desperation, my unquiet lonliness and altogether dissatisfaction with how my life was going was clearly evident on every page. It is such a change, to think that only 3 years ago I was so scared to become independent, to be free. And that in the end it was the one thing that I lived for. I wanted to be divorced. I wanted to get away. I wanted freedom. And I got it. And maybe I paid the price by having a child that is perceived as needy. But I am glad to finally be appreciated even if I may not show it all the time, and may want to be left alone most days. I am happy that he still hugs me and loves me no matter what I look like, or am like. That he still wakes up and smiles at me as though it were the first time he looked at me. And I am happy to be a mom. Whether anyone agrees with how I parent, I don't care. I am doing what I think is right.

And that is good enough for me.

posted by The Devil @ 9:45 AM

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