| Monday, March 20, 2006 |
| I finally admitted it... |
I did. The worse possible thing I could have said. I said it out loud. I admitted it to Randy. I am the world's worst mother.
re·sent·ment ( P ) Pronunciation Key (r-zntmnt)n.
Indignation or ill will felt as a result of a real or imagined grievance. See Synonyms at anger.
I admitted something that I have never even told or mentioned to any of my therapists, for fear of being judged as a horrible mother. I don't want to be seen as incapable of providing a stable home environment for my child. I tried not to cry. But it hurt to admit it. I am missing things. Maybe they are just imagined or maybe even real, but I still have grieved them internally. I blame my son, though not seriously or in real life. But I do. Inside of me. I have harbored these horrible emotions, pent up. Festering. Into hateful little balls, that burn me from the inside in.
What kind of mother am I? How could I resent something like my own my child? It's not his fault that I am not in college. There are plenty of single mothers who work full time, go to school and still are mothers, on their own. But I am such a coward. I can't deal with change. I am still emotionally traumatized by having to uproot my son and myself. I am 1800 miles away from the only place I have ever known my entire life. The area is growing on me, but I still yearn for home. I miss it. I want to be there. So my family and friends could help me achieve what I want to do. Without feeling massive guilt for wanting to be selfish. I have spent my life caring for everyone else except me. I can't bring myself to be selfish. I could never just run off and ignore my responsibilities as a mother for more than one night. It racks me with guilt. I don't even have fun if I go out. Because Gabe is there, in my heart. I worry about him the entire time I am away from him. I worry that something will happen. Or that he'll have a hard time. Or that some accident will happen to me, and I wont see him again. Or a fire. Or a burglary. Or this..... or that.....
I resent. Not Gabriel exactly. Myself, really. I hate that I am a coward. That I have no real skill. That I am lazy, pretentious, boring. That I just sit and mope about how I am not doing this or that. Instead of getting out there and doing it. I hate myself for being guilty, for being spineless. Kids don't come with instructions. I know this. I want someone to tell me how to be a better mother. But I always fail. And I resent him sometimes for making me feel like a failure. I will not admit defeat. |
posted by The Devil @ 10:27 AM  |
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| 2 Comments: |
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Don't get so down on yourself. I have someone sitting next to me who knows exactly how you feel. So don't think your alone. Don't forget you have friends here too.
Just think about those mothers that could give two shits about their children. You care enough to think that your a bad mom...even though you're not.
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from all i've read on your posts, and how helpful you've ben with me i honestly can't think of you as a failure. you're a good person, and from the sounds of it an excellent mother. its common to want things different, to think your possibly missing out on something, and with children it ain't easy. they are supposed to be a challenge. because with you tryin to raise them right you are growing at the same time. you both are kinda raisin each other just in different ways, and when you look back at those times you'll see that you didn't miss anything. everyone has doubts, everyone has resent towards certain situations they find themselves stuck in and at times hate the fact that they are powerless to change things, so there is nothing i can say to help you feel at ease with those, but i believe that you are no failure. you got a good kid, who's growin strong and knows that he has a loving mom who would do it all for him. And you got RC...well...he's pretty much like Gabe alot of the times so yeah you got two kids that know you love them and would do everything she could for them. :)
Smile kiddo.
~Frank the Tank
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Name: The Devil
Home: Somewhere in, Texas, United States
About Me: I'm a young mom, who stresses out far too much.
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Don't get so down on yourself. I have someone sitting next to me who knows exactly how you feel. So don't think your alone. Don't forget you have friends here too.
Just think about those mothers that could give two shits about their children. You care enough to think that your a bad mom...even though you're not.