Will I ever make it home....
Friday, July 28, 2006
You're Invited
So, RC and I have decided (well, me more actually....) to host a Housewarming Party. And since we don't have any friends really combined....I just invited the folks from work.

It should be interesting....

Good food, good company, and good drinks....

Hee hee hee....
posted by The Devil @ 8:10 AM   1 comments
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Let's try this: Seven things I would like to do before I die.

1. Travel....to Europe, UK, Islands, all over the US....anywhere...everywhere....I want to be able to say I saw as much of this world as I could.

2. Own a house. And not just any old house, but one that I built from the ground up. I like working with my hands, and I love the concept of being able to do things to my liking.

3. At least see my biological father from a distance. I don't know if I would want to say, "Hey, I'm the daughter you never knew you had...Love me, NOW!"....I don't want to ruin anyone's life, and I think I would be too overwhelmed with it all.

4. Have a farm. I love animals, and I've always have been a little bit country. I want horses, cows, pigs, goats, even chickens. I want the whole nine yards.

5. I want my son to have a wonderful childhood, and adulthood. I want to leave him with enough money to take care of himself, and his own home.

6. I would love to be an english teacher for children that have language barriers. Growing up multilingual is difficult, and english is a difficult language to master.

7. Marry RC, live happily ever after...The end...You know...have a wedding, and a honeymoon. Maybe even another kid? Who knows?! We are perfect together...and I can't imagine my life without him.
posted by The Devil @ 12:50 PM   0 comments
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Tell me
This is for The Scheherazade Project: Theme for 7/17-7/30. Enjoy! Oh, and for the other S Project players that check out my "story", please leave all your criticism and thoughts. Thank you!

The light filtered in through a triangular window, slapping all the contents inside of the smokey room with vigorous beams of intensity. The light flickered momentarily. The smoke swam in the enclosed spaces of the room, dancing erotically towards the ceiling and dark corners. Some of it licked the window obsessively as if it were kissing an old lover. The glass did not return the affection. The seductive manner of the smoke agaisnt the bitter window was the ultimate oxymoron of life. The twirls and curls of smoke drifted passed the rays of light, and continued on its lonely dance. I could feel it crawling on my skin, tickling my cheek.

"So, you said you didn't see anything?", She whispered towards me. Her face was covered in shadows. But even through the darkness of the corners in the area, I could feel her unnerving presence. Her inner life shown through the almost dead eyes, and her skin glowed. A droplet trickled down gracefully on her neck. It was the only tender thing in there. The light reflected the sweat into a million shards of light, and as quickly as I saw it, it disappeared from my view.

"Yes," I enunciated. My voice sounded raspy. Feathery and light. I wanted it to sound harsher.

"And you are claiming to not have heard anything at that time, also?", her velvety voice responded. She sighed as she took a long drag of her cigarette. She blew out the smoke, and it caressed every inch of her sleek hair. It made things look that much more surreal. I could feel her eyes prying through every space in my skull. The paint was chipping in one corner as though it were smiling widely at the smokey sunshine.

I cleared my throat. I shifted the hard metal chair. Took a sip of the acrid coffee. I nodded my head instead of saying a word. She questioned me again with her body, pushing herself into me with just her eyes. I could almost feel them analyzing every inch of my body. "Well, I just.....I- uh....I don't know...You know? I don't know how to say it.....I...hmmm....didn't know....About it all....the whole situation, if you will. I just know that.....it-uh- happened.....so.....fast...and then....I'm here....and.....yeah...-uh-", Is that what she was looking for? I wouldn't stumble over my words, or feel that I should be desperate in my case. I wasn't giving her what she wanted. And we both were aware of it. A hand drew up near me. She was pointing the cigarette at me, but not as an offer. She smiled. It was an icy one. Her hand moved in one fluid movement back to the file in front of her. My gaze followed her every shift. I could hear nothing but the inner workings of my body resounding in my ears.

"Okay, what do you want from me? Do you want me to sit here and give you these answers as if I knew them? Or would you like me to sit here and beg for my life? Well, I'm not some pitiful person with a legion of lies waiting to come out when I want them to," was the words that came from me. I could hardly recognize my voice. It was harsh, but not abrassive. I wasn't trying to put her off. I just wanted her to understand what I had gone through. But she didn't.

"I can't believe you actually think I want to hear your feeble lies! I have no idea why I am wasting my time here. I know everything. I....KNOW.....", she hissed back at me. She never raised her voice, but the venomous tone she took with me made my skin crawl. Her eyes flashed from a burning glow, to empty abandonement. I almost burst out laughing nervously. I was questioning myself. This made no sense. She wasn't in charge. My gaze fell upon her creamy skin, the trickle of sweat. The almost cherubic face, it was one so inviting and welcoming....until your eyes arrived to those plunging eyes. I could almost feel the ground giving out from under me and my body tipping over into those pools of hatred.

She laughed as though she had heard my thoughts. It shredded the smoke and the light outside flickered once more. I shuffled in my chair. Not out of anxiousness, but from the uncomfort from feeling violated in the privacy of my thoughts. "I don't know what you want fro-", I was interrrupted by her poisonous voice.

"Oh shut up! Look, I am going to tell you a little story...Let's see if you're intelligent, that means smart, enough to figure it out. Does that sound fair?", she impatiently said. I could feel the anger spewing up inside of me. I clenched my fist and my teeth bit back the raging words. I insisted on being calm, but reassured myself to not give her anymore ammunition. I wanted to protest that I wasn't the one she wanted. But I didn't. I returned her cool gaze. And perked up my ears as if interested in listening.

"One day", she sweetly began," there was a girl. She was beautiful. Envy of all those around her, yet so kind that it was hard to actually hate her. Dancing her way into hearts, laughing her path into life. She was this almost angelic figurine. Beautiful, sweet, kind, caring......", she continued. But I drowned her out. I began to think of how I ended up here. I could see everything clearly. What lead me here? How could I have been so naive? Why did I do those things for him?

Understand one thing when you see me in the courtroom. Don't judge me without hearing me out. I know what love is about. I know what it is. It is always about loss. Loss of hope. Loss of dreams. Loss of self. No matter how you slice it, it always ends up the same. You compromise yourself. Even the person in the same place as you could agree. You do things diffently than you had planned. That's what happened here. I was in that loss. I was being twisted and mangled in the process. Like we all do.

"Please, please....don't....I am sorry....Please! I love you. I LOVE YOU. I'll do whatever you want!!!" That carried me through each day. Through the stares. Through the lonely nights since...well....

Oh, her voice was like maple syrup. She was beautiful. And yeah, I loved her. Loved her until I killed her with my love....and with my hands.

Stupid bitch.
posted by The Devil @ 6:48 AM   3 comments
Monday, July 17, 2006
Dearest Big Johnny:
Hey, buddy! What's up?! I have missed you so much. I hope you have been okay. I heard some bad news today. I was rather awestruck when I was told, and I wish I was there to hold your hand, or tell you thank you for all you have done for me. You are the best person I have met in a long time. You took me in, accepted me as I was. And didn't forget about me when I moved away. You still called me, we still hung out.

We would go out, get drunk, I would puke all over your car (twice) and you still were my friend. When I couldn't buy my son a mattress, you did for me. And gave it to me as a gift, even though my pride stung. You would be completely honest with me. Telling me I was too pretty to be so desperate, and what guys were wrong for me. You took care of me, and made sure I was always okay. You always made me smile, and held me when I cried. You understood my sense of humor, my need for humanness, my sarcastic nature, and my blundering need to get totally obliterated.

You knew I was in pain, but masked it with a numb drunkness. You gave the best hugs, and could dance your ass off. You know about my love for platanitos and Salvadorian sour cream. You love me, even though I am mexican. And you made me laugh, and pointed out my flaws, without remorse. You'd build me up, break me down, and put me back together better than before. Your innate kindness showed me that the world wasn't such a bad place, that I had a right to be pissed. That it was okay for me to not forgive in certain circumstances. And you showed me how to love myself more. I am worth it! (Did that just sound L'oreal-esque?) You are right!

You promised me things, but didn't come through. You brought me things I never asked for, but you knew I needed. You. Just you. How could it be like this now? I was coming to see you, and just like always you slipped out the door faster than I could get to you. I didn't get to say goodbye, or say thank you for all the wonderful memories we have shared.

I am mad at you, for leaving me alone. I thought you would come party with me in Houston one day, and that our kids would play together at Chuck E. Cheese's. Or that you would meet Randy. And tell me that you missed me. And we would hug, and you would make fun of me. And everything would be good. You were the only good friend I have here. My first good friend. And after all the crazy things we did together, after all the times you took me under your wing, and showered me with your knowledge....I have to forgive you. It wasn't your time to go, but you did. And I am so upset!

It's not fair, when there are assholes who rape and murder people who need to go, but live to be old. And here you are. This wonderful kind, big hearted person, and you left. Without saying goodbye, without hugging me one more time, without making me smile, through my runny mascara. I will see you once more, with tears in my eyes, and a sadness in my heart.

As I say goodbye, to the most wonderful man I knew. An outstanding father, a magnificient friend, a competetive soul. I hope you are better now. And in a better place. I hope you are not in pain. And that you can hear me pray for you. I have prayed for the first time in a year. Thank you. Oh, Johnny....my dearest Johnny....I love you. *muah*

-Your friend in life (and maybe one day I will meet you for a kamikaze shot wherever you are)-

posted by The Devil @ 8:26 AM   0 comments
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
She said no.
Saw this in this : The Scheherazade Project: How To Play and thought it was a fantastic idea for those who like stretching their creative muscle. See if you can figure out the theme, after reading.....Thanks!

"No!", she repeated in a firm tone. I hated when she did that. It made me angry inside. Like I could burst at the seams, but I kept my face expressionless. My eyes blank, not presenting the hysteria inside. I struggled to control the very emotions running through me.

I turned away, sighing silently to myself. Feeling the heaviness of my feet as I trudged on forward. I could feel my lips cracking in middle. They were splitting in momentum with my deepest manifestations. The metallic taste of blood rushed in my mouth. I urged my mouth not to spit. I choked back the swallow as I felt the very life of me spilling into my mouth.

I felt her hand on my shoulder. Cold, dead almost as if the inner iciness had frozen her solid, from inside out. I struggled to not look down at the many rings and embellishments on her overly adorned hands. The veins, the rings, the spots were all like a secret playground that only invited itself in short irritated burst to me. I yearned for a warm, comforting touch. For someone like me. For another soul. She squeezed my shoulder, frantically. Spun me around so rigidly, I could feel the fluid spinning in my head. I almost heard the movement of her tongue agaisnt the back of her lips, it reminded me of moth wings on a screen door. Dry rasping out of her jagged mouth, her violent voice demanded adoration that I was unwilling to give.

"I said NO!". A rapid surge of power came from those seemingly fragile hands. I felt the hand ornaments tear my skin. Only the faint aroma of anguish left behind. She would instill it in me, since I would not let it be born of itself. I felt the discharge of blood. It flashed in the light, reflecting from red, to blue, to purple, to black in a single blink. As if synchronized with the blood my emotions went from rage, to heartbreak, to calm, to numbness before the light. The droplets sprayed everywhere. And yet I did not turn my head away this time. A smoldering took over my cheek.

I looked down to my own two hands. I tried to reach the grass below me. To feel the warmth of it. The everlasting life in every blade. A tear swam in my eye, I blinked it back. Inside I was bemusing myself with the beauty of the grass. The warmth of the sun. I felt the rush of warmth on my palm, and before I could extend it, I heard the coarse leather move stealthily in the wind. The whip arrived onto my open palm.

You see, I wasn't always so disobedient. I was once a beautiful performer, my "partner" and I so equal and so disimilar in size and charisma. Our audaciousness, of raw force and dainty grace ridiculed similar acts. I never understood my own worth. Or how I was this special creature. Never before had the world gazed upon a being of my magnitude. I was extraordinary and rare. Something you could fantasize about as a child, but would forget about once you discovered the falseties of being an adult.

I was the world's first. Maybe not the world's last. But I was unusual, and stunningly beautiful. Not only in size, but my fur was exotic. It was the most iridescent azure. It varied from sky to robin's egg blue, extending from head to toe. My skin was a striking navy, contrasting agaisnt my coat. I was larger than any other primate in the world. And I was magnificent!

I had been exhibited around the world. Pictures were taken of my ice blue eyes, and my crooked smile. I could have been the envy of every living primate. Snowflake (the albino gorilla) was no match for me. My trainer was a brusque woman, with a taste for anger and fear of nothing. She probably was the devil herself. She detested me and my so called "spoiled-ness". Abusing me with her whip, and shredding me with her tongue. I was being trained to be angry. To be violent.

I envisioned breaking out one day, lashing out to this fragile creature who kept me in apprehension and captivity. I would tear her flesh open with unembellished hands, and I would not have a whispering anger in my tone. I would have an enormous remarkable voice that would feed terror into those hissing veins of her hand. I would be the very fury to make that cold statue into a living being once more. I would become the ultimate femme fatale.

The Theme

Did you get it?
posted by The Devil @ 1:37 PM   2 comments
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
I can't take it anymore.


This is so much harder than I thought.

I let it fall already and it keeps creeping back into the back of my throat. Slithering, warning me of the inner storm. I can't choke it back anymore. I have to cry.

For my losses. For my wins. For my happiness. For my madness.

For being too close, and being too far. For not doing what I wanted with myself, for achieving so much more.

I just need to spew it out. Don't rush me. PLEASE JUST STOP......

Don't tell me that you care for me, when all you want it dirt.



Just let me be......
posted by The Devil @ 1:34 PM   0 comments
Friday, July 07, 2006
Happy 1 Year....
anniversary to TS&HA and I, who have just made the one year mark here in the good ol' unit we work in. I would like to say that last year on July 7th, when I first walked into the building I work in, and met the people I work with now, I was a very different person. I was a timid, skinny, and depressed woman. Someone going through a divorce, who had just left everything she has ever known in Texas. I had taken a risk, found a roomate that I had never known in real life before and moved to Fairfax, VA, with nothing more than a computer, a closetful of shoes and clothes, and 3 albums. I didn't have furniture. I didn't have friends. I now have a beautiful town house. I have awesome furniture. But I still don't have too many friends! I have gone through a shitty year. But I am looking forward to my next anniversary here, because by then, I will hopefully be seperating from the Army, and getting ready to move to Texas (oh, btw RC!)! Oh for those who know TS&HA personally, she tied the knot in Vegas (with someone she knew, previous to the trip), and I hope she doesn't make too many appointments. LCS and Momma Bear have gone to the field, along with my darling DQ. Hurry back soon DQ! So, we can have out slumber party. I would invite everyone, but I don't know too many chicks out here....Eh, what the hell! All the chicks who live in the DC area are welcomed to come! Well, that's it...Have a nice weekend, ya'll....
posted by The Devil @ 1:45 PM   0 comments
Thursday, July 06, 2006
.Confront your fears.
To dream that you are being stalked, indicates difficulties and problems which you are not confronting. Your avoidance of these problems is not making them go away. If you are being stalked in real life, then this fear may be carried over into your dream state.

To see a stranger in your dream, signifies a part of yourself that is repressed and hidden. Alternatively, it symbolizes the archetypal dream helper who is trying to offer some insight and advice.

To dream that you feel fear, signifies that you achievements will not be as successful as you had anticipated. You are having anxieties in certain circumstances of your life.

To dream that you are scared, indicates that you are experiencing self-doubt and feelings of incompetence. You may be feeling a lack of control. Anger often masquerades as fear, so also consider issues about which you are angry about in your waking life.

To dream of emptiness, signifies fruitless labor or that something is missing in your life. There is nothing to show for all the effort that you have dedicated to a project or development.

To dream that you are in the bathroom, relates to your instinctual urges. You may be experiencing some burdens/feelings and need to "relieve yourself". Alternatively, it may symbolize purification and self-renewal. You need to cleanse yourself, both emotionally and psychologically.

To dream that you are in the bedroom, signifies aspects of your self that you keep private. It is also indicative of your sexual nature.

To dream that your house is broken into, suggests that you are feeling violated. It may refer to a particular relationship or current situation in your life. Alternatively, it indicates that some unconscious material is attempting to make itself known. There are some aspects of yourself that you have denied.

To dream that you are alone, indicates feelings of rejection. You may be feeling that no one understand you.

To see children in your dream, signifies your own childlike qualities or a retreat back to a childlike state. It is an extension of your inner child during a time of innocence, purity, simplicity, and a carefree attitude. You may be longing for the past and the chance to satisfy repressed desires and unfulfilled hopes. Take some time off and cater to the inner child within. Perhaps there is something that you need to see grow and nurtured.

To see an intruder in your dream, represents your feelings of guilt and your self indulgent behavior.

To dream that you are in despair, signifies that you will have many hardships and experience much cruelties in the working world.

To dream that you are being chased, signifies that you are avoiding a situation that you do not think is conquerable. It is often a metaphor for some form of insecurity. In particular, to dream that you are chased by an animal, represents your own unexpressed and unacknowledged anger which is being projected onto that animal. Alternatively, you may be running away from a primal urge or fear.

To see or be in a bathtub in your dream, suggests a need for self-renewal and escape from everyday problems. You need to rid yourself of the burdens that you have been carrying. Alternatively, it indicates your mood for love and pursuit of pleasure and relaxation.

To dream that you are running away from someone, indicates an issue that you are trying to avoid. You are not taking or accepting responsibility for your actions. In particular, if you are running from an attacker or any danger, then it suggests that you are not facing and confronting your fears.
posted by The Devil @ 8:07 AM   1 comments
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
"I'm fuzzy and blue.."
I can't even begin to put into words how I feel.

It's insecurity. I know, I know. I just get all freaked out about everything. It's me. It's what I do. I'm only human, and you can't possibly expect me to be all confident all the time. It's just not the way shit works.

I don't know what it is, really. I just....feel this throbbing in my heart. It's so painful. Like emotional pain. I see his beautiful smiling face looking back at me from every corner....and I just am filled with this longing, this terrible ache. I feel so empty. So much like an eggshell. I just want it to stop filling in with this aching and desire. To feel him near me. To experience his wonderful kisses, his warm embrace, to be welcomed back into his heart. Does he miss me? Does he think about me? Does he still remember me? Will he want to come back to me?

I just can't accept it. It hurts too much. It stings my heart. It insults my mind. It aches in every inch of my body. I want him back. I don't want to let him go so easily. I'm helpless. I feel like a vacant person. Haunted by his laugh. Coming back home is hard when it is so bare. There are no giggles in the background. No scurrying around upstairs. No movies playing in the background. It's so naked. The room is clean, and blue. The toys in their place, the clothes put away. It's all clandestine. Veiled with a false sense of hope for me. As though, I have lost him in a way that I can't explain. But I haven't and I wont. So many decisions to make in the next year.

Should I go back to Texas as planned once I am done. Should I stay in longer? Will I be able to succeed in the civilian world? Am I too "militarized" now? I just don't know. I can only hope and pray in my mind that things make sense. And that they start falling into place. But they haven't just, yet. Getting away from my XH was a great decision. Will moving back be hurtful? Would it be more beneficial for me? I have no clue. Will RC want to go with me? I know he would be happy to have Specy close by, since that is like his brother. And I wouldn't mind being closer to my family and my dear friends. Yes, I like the distance at times, but I miss the connection. Each time I return home, I feel more and more displaced. Like I don't belong. Like we have outgrown each other.

And that frankly is not a feeling I want to experience. In my culture family is a structurized moving, flowing entity. Different branches working together for a greater good. We all raise our children together, and are constantly caring for the elders in our brood. I can't have that because I am here. So, Gabe doesn't know his cousins, doesn't know his aunts and uncles or his grandparents. That is not what I wanted for my child. I need that emotional support from them. There are just some times when I need comfort from my father or brothers. There are things that they solely will always understand. That no matter how much explanation RC will never fully grasp. It's not his fault. Nor do I blame him for anything going on right now. He has however influenced this influx of emotions. I am so torn. I had my heart set on going back home when I was done with my time here. And now....

Someone threw a damn monkey wrench in my life. I love RC. And I know eventually down the line, in like 5 or 6 years, we'll probably get married or what not. I am so not ready to rush into anything. I know I love him and that he loves me too. It's great. We can talk to each other, we don't argue, we get along with each other's families, and we have made it okay sharing spaces. Maybe when we both feel ready, and completely convinced we'll get married. But I think we both want a long test drive before we actually get all legal and shit. LOL.....Sorry....

So where is it all going? WHO AM I? I don't know. I am still growing, learning, and experiencing life one moment at a time. I am still lost in my head, I have no real direction. All I know is that I want to be happy. And I want Gabe to be happy as well. Will they happen all the time? I know they wont, I mean I am still a realist. Will RC and I work out? WHO KNOWS? All I know is that I will try and put in the effort to make this work out. And if that isn't enough, then I guess it will be time to move on. But I am happy with him. I just wish I knes more about the actual place where I will end up, ya know? Like, will I end up staying here in Maryland....or will I finally make a break for it and get back to Texas? I just don't know.....

"I'm fuzzy and blue
You see I'm fuzzy and blue
Yeah, me I'm happy to be
So fuzzy and blue "

posted by The Devil @ 9:53 AM   0 comments
About Me

Name: The Devil
Home: Somewhere in, Texas, United States
About Me: I'm a young mom, who stresses out far too much.
See my complete profile
Dear Diary
Past Indiscretions

"Before you do anything, think. If you do something to try and impress someone, to be loved, accepted or even to get someone's attention, stop and think. So many people are busy trying to create an image, they die in the process."-Salma Hayek

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