Will I ever make it home....: Three's a crowd....

Will I ever make it home....

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Three's a crowd....

I've been pretty blah, lately. Not having too much to complain about. And there's been a million things I would like to have discussed on here (with my 2 readers), but for lack of real privacy, I suppose I have chosen to keep silent and just let the thoughts keep grinding in my head and heart. But I can't keep doing that. Writing has always been one of my outlets, and since I am currently not going to therapy anymore, I have to find a good medium to express myself. And I suppose I shall begin. But before I actually get into what I want to write about, I want to issue a "disclaimer" if you will. To anyone who may read this and think this has something to do with them, it does...yet, it doesn't. I have been feeling like this from the get-go, but it's just now beginning to become an issue. I hope you don't get your feelings hurt over this, but I'm just worried.

As most of you know, I have a kid. He is not impaired in anyway. He is healthy, bright, and an almost 3 year-old. My wonderful boyfriend accepted this when we first started dating. Most guys would have chosen the other route, of either being a booty call, or to not be there at all. But no, he understood where I was coming from and decided to stick around. Maybe I should have waited to have them meet. Maybe I shouldn't have brought him around my son so much, so quickly. Maybe I should be a better parent, and stop being so selfish. Maybe.....maybe....maybe.

But I can't change the course that I have chosen to take. Nor, can I really change all the awful things I have done. I just need to figure how to make this equation work for us. I love both of them very much. And if I were to choose, well I'd have to stick with my child. Not saying that I would just discard the wonderful person in my life, but it's my duty as his mother. I never wanted to be a single mother, for this reason. The first couple of months were great, but each day my child is getting meaner, and more annoying. He annoys me. And I feel horrible for admitting that, but he does. I feel like I can't take him anywhere anymore. He does this whole: "I want this....and I want that....I want this....", until I basically have to hurry up and scramble out of a store before I loose my fucking mind. And then he hits me. And pushes me. And talks back to me. My dad tells me that I need to set the rules right now! Because he needs to learn that I am the boss. But it's so hard. I feel so guilty. For so many things. I hate spanking him. It makes me feel like shit. I feel like I might go off and get too pissed and beat the shit out of him. I've spanked him hard enough a couple of times to welt up his little behind. And I cried so hard after I did that. I felt like the world's worst mother.

I've been to a couple parenting classes. But their methods don't work with my kid. I've tried time-outs. Taking stuff away. Spanking. Yelling. Trying to talk to him. Everything that I can think of. And still nothing. I look at my kid, and basically hate him for making me feel so damn worthless. And I want to go out, and have fun. And do "couple" things with my love. But I can't. I feel guilty for leaving my kid all day at daycare, so I can work, and then wanting more "me" time. I want to just runaway in the night. To leave everything. I'm so worn down, and just feel broken. I look at the pictures of my beautiful son at my desk, and I can't help but feel like I let him down. Like maybe if he were happier, he would listen to me more. And do the things I ask of him. I try to go out of my way to make sure that he is happy. But I still feel like I am failing.

I also think, at the moment (or maybe always!), that my son's behaviour is annoying Randy. He mentioned it last night. I was kind of hurt. I tried to laugh it off. But it did really hurt my feelings. Because I felt like it's my fault that my son is so out of control. I have let his behaviour slip through the cracks of my parenting, because I am mirred in guilt over my parenting. Maybe if he spends a couple of nights alone without Gabe to annoy him, he'll be okay. But if this is going to be a serious relationship, how is going to act when he doesn't have his place to runaway to? Is he going to resent me for the way I parent? I never learned how to be a mom. I'm still learning. I don't know how I will make it through the end of this week. But I know I will. I will learn how to be a better mom. I'm trying to play mommy and daddy to a 2 year-old. It's hard. I have to give a lot of kudos to any single parent out there that hasn't lost their mind.

What should I do? I don't want you not want to spend time with me, because of Gabe. I know I am a pushover. And I fail on all my punishments. I am too leniant. I get lazy. I don't know how to be a mom. I don't think I can control my child. All I know is that I love both of ya'll very much. My life would be very empty without each of you. I just, I don't know. I'm worried.

posted by The Devil @ 9:33 AM

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