Will I ever make it home....: You.

Will I ever make it home....

Saturday, November 25, 2006

You.

My balance is so off right at this moment. I feel like I am constantly losing ground. I take one step forward and five back. I can't get to where I want and I am tired of sitting here hating myself. But I can't make everyone happy. Much less myself. This is so hard.

I am at a crossroads. I would have given up 3 years ago. But circumstances prevent me. As I dip into the waters of uncertainty and drown in unhappiness, I begin to ponder. I feel the waters filling my lungs, the slow burn of a fire inside diminishing and completely dimming into blackness. I feel like a charred piece of paper. Unseen, black, and empty of information. I don't know where to turn.

I hate that I am pretending. I am pretending. Always pretending. But I am not happy. I am masking my sadness with a smile. I yell, I scream, I fight. But I lose myself. I lose myself like I have so many things in my past. To think that I thought this was healthy. But I look at myself sitting there so young, naive. And so full to the brim with laughter. I see now where I am going wrong, but like any accident of hope, I can not bring myself to stop it. I have no one to turn to. I have isolated myself in this facade. How could I have lost sight of me? When did I forget about my hopes and dreams? Did the Army brainwash me into thinking like them? Am I forever lost in this isolation??

Why am I so cruel? Why am I so unjust? Why do the words fall from my mouth like daggers, aimed at those who love me? Why can't I be more patient? More loving? Why?

I have questions, but I can not articulate them. For fear of your reactions. For fear of your consequence. I am lost. So lost.

But I will continue to pretend. And as I cry in my dreams, so as to not disturb you, I will feel the suffocating desperation that is burning inside of me.

All because I love you.

posted by The Devil @ 7:57 PM

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