Will I ever make it home....: Tell me baby, What's your story....

Will I ever make it home....

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Tell me baby, What's your story....

So, lately I have been contemplating a lot of things, it's my nature to be introspective and not want to talk about things that might be bothering me. I usually wait my time, and think it out in my head before the thoughts and words can form upon my mouth. But a bitter taste has been left in the trail of my thoughts. I have been revisiting the same thoughts over the course of months, and like an uninvited rat that gnaws at your things in the night, these thoughts have gnawed themselves into a tangled mess.

What am I talking about? Well, for starters my future. I have been pretty sure that I would leave this area (DC) immediately after I was "done" with my time in the Army. But now, as I recall all the unnecessary drama that would occur on an almost daily basis, I have grown fond of the distance and almost closet like security I have felt here, alone. I do miss my family terribly, but I hate all the dumb bullshit they try to stir up. I honestly do. I feel like I am too old and too tired to have to go home to some meddlesome crap about goodness knows what not even concerning me.

It's just hard to make the choice to stay or to go. I want a house. I want one when I move. Will I be able to fulfill my dream? I don't know at the moment, and that is scary. I had made a financial plan and goal for myself and I have not even come close to realizing it. I am afraid to get out and not have the comfortable life I have made for myself being in the military. But on the other hand I am completely unhappy with this lifestyle. I hate being shuffled around the country having to start over time and again, and once you get comfortable you get asked to move once again. It's not the type of childhood I had in mind for my child.

I just feel like I have completely forgotten my dreams, my hopes, my goals since I have been in the military. I let someone else do it for me. I have been on autopilot long enough! I want things so different from what I have now, that albeit they scare me, they are things I want to try and taste. I want to go to cosmetology school, even though I am not that great at it. I want to learn about busisness management, so that one day I can run a business. I yearn to discover architecture so that I can build my own home one day. I want to do such radically different things that I haven't quite figured out which dream is more ardent. Which one is the most passionate of those that it will make me not only continue living, but put a smile on my face through the process.

My dreams may be decadent in nature. I know this. But they are dreams. They are MY dreams. I am allowed to have wishes for myself and for my family. But should I continue to put myself on hold until I can get a handle on the reigns? Should I continue to aspire for these things, to pine for them in my dreams, to wish one day to be able to realize them fully? I dont know.
Everywhere I turn I will hit dead ends. I have become accustomed to it. I am no longer sheltered or naive like I was. I know that every little experience, every human life, every word spoken, is life. I am living it. I am thankful, but I am forgetful of my gratitude for the insurmountable blessings that have come upon me. I have a beautiful healthy child. I have a loving and understanding partner. And best of all I have a wonderful family full of laughing friends, caring parents, and obnoxious siblings.

I can never be what people expect of me. I am not perfect, I am flawed, I am human. I have given up on the prospect of ever making one person completely happy. I am just here to make sure I can look back upon it all and say I tried my best. I have made countless mistakes and cried many tears. Have filled oceans with bitterness. But I still remember to smile. I can still look at the utter beauty of everything I have encountered. Some people ask me how. I don't know. I don't want to keep living a life of complicated simplism. I like the simple complicated-ness of life, of birth, of death. The way the breath sucks out of me when I am angered. The way my head never stops racing. I thrive on that. Without my thoughts in my head circling about, I would run around mad.

I am so many things. Rolled up into one thing. Do these things describe who I am completely....NO. They all add up to the gist of me. The fragance of me, the taste, but not the actual reality of me.

I am a mother, a sister, an aunt, a soldier, a friend, a blogger, a myspacer, a sarcastic, a half-assed feminist, a woman, a girl, a loser, a winner, a mexican, an american, a divorcee, a girlfriend, a dreamer, a skeptist, a spiritualist, a non-believer, a conformist, a black sheep, a bastard, a catholic, a laugher, a cryer, a self-made make-up artist, an extroverted introvert, a dog owner. All this and more than I could ever scratch on the surface.

Does this have to make sense to you? No.

So.... that is MY story.

So far.

posted by The Devil @ 8:58 PM

2 Comments:

At 7:37 AM, RC666 said…

Damn I posted a nice comment but it disappeared!

SA is far enough away to keep family drama away if you want. We'll just have to deal with the ex and that won't last long.

I kow what it's like, I have had so many dreams and goals that have all fallen by the wasteside. It's hard to just pick one thing you want to do for the rest of your life. But I will be next to you the whole way to support you and hold your hand when you need it.
At 8:07 AM, The Devil said…

Thanks. I know things will work out the way they are meant to. And hopefully it isn't too much bull crap with him...I just blah...

That is the only way to describe it...blah.