Will I ever make it home....: Yes.

Will I ever make it home....

Monday, January 15, 2007

Yes.

As I casually try to be a good mother, partner, worker, daughter, and everything else that I am supposed to be, I feel it all being sucked out of me. I want to be a blank canvas, not held down with bills, questions, emotions, responsibilities. I wish I could pick up and leave. Start over again. Maybe I went about this situation all wrong, maybe everyone was right.

I speak to my best friend, and try to encourage her on her newfound decision to finally get divorced, I see a part of me that I have forgotten throughout this proccess. I see the girl that was scared to move on. The girl that was so frightened of a life of solitude and of chastity, because that was what I thought being divorced with a kid would be. That I would never find someone to understand me and my child. That would love us both and not pick and choose which part they wanted. It was either take it or leave it, no halfway point. And maybe I did make mistakes along the way, I wanted to break free of those chains that had contained me for so long. I never got to experience real life, a grown up life. I was playing pretend with an idiot. I had to hold his hand along the way, and pretend I was happy. I would smile my laughless smile, and I would never shed a tear in front of him. Maybe I do want to see the good in people too hard. Maybe that is why I have been here all this time, I would question myself.

I don't want to wake up 10 years from now, hungover, unhappy, and alone. I don't want to keep pushing everyone away, but it's what I do. I can't break those old habits. I push you away to protect myself. I don't want to hurt more than I do. I am exhausted of battling the words that want to fly out of my mouth and hurt you with their jaggedness. I am tired of trying to play happy, when I am indeed angry at myself. This all can't be healthy for my child. I don't know how to go on, or how to continue. I have so many doubts. They weren't there before, but now they gnaw at me at night, as I try to sleep, and I try to shut them up in my head, I feel them popping up in my dreams, suddenly. Maybe I do overreact, maybe I try too hard. Maybe I don't. But I am so tired of having to defend one to the other, and vice versa. I am only human, and I make mistakes, and I am so far from perfect. And so are you. And the person next to you and everyone else. Is it that humanness that scares me at night? No. It's the way you have shut yourself off to me. And for no reason. I am tired of always being the bigger person with everyone, always having to apologize to everyone., as if I am the one who is always WRONG. Maybe I want an apology! Maybe someone should come to me for once and tell me that they are sorry. I can't be the cement that tries to hold my world together.

I want to hear so many things. The rain, the gentle crushing of sleet on the trees, the rustling of dry leaves dancing to the ground, the traffic at night, the sound of music playing distantly in the background, and apologies. Are those words so hard for anyone to say? I don't know. I have spent a life full of apologizing for everything. From divorces, to being how I am, to accidents not of my doing, to hurt feelings, from burnt food, to chores not being done. And I am tired of having to explain myself to everyone. WHY? I just want to leave. Go home, runaway. To anywhere. To everywhere. Because I am so tired of it all. I am tired of the daily mistakes I make. I am tired of the way people look at me. I am tired of being misunderstood. Of being a mistake.

I am tired of it all. I just want to be left alone. I am not worthy of being a parent. All I do is yell, and scream and fight and say the hurtfull things my mother would say, I am quick to spank, and to punish. Because I am trying to prove to some that I am a "good" parent in their eyes, and yet it is not enough. They still condemn me and look down upon me from their high places. And frankly I just don't give a fuck about their opinions anymore. I am ready to start my own life. With the life that doesn't have a choice in the matter. The one who is tied to me, without our choices. I am sure he would pick better, and I..well, I don't know. Would I live my life as it is again? Maybe. Would I change things about it? Maybe. I don't know. That's the entire genius of it. The risk of not being able to predict how things will work, that's the magic of life. I can plan as much as I want, and it could all go to pieces tomorrow. I could have wasted almost two years making sure all my plans were in perfect shape, and it could all be gone in a second.

Life is about choices. I can make a left or a right. I am allowed to go forward. But never to go back. So, as of right now do I want to move forward with my situation? I don't know. There is so much doubt and uncertainty in all of this. And I think I am starting to grow weary of it. Maybe I should take my best friend's advice. Maybe I should heed the words of wisdom from my nearest and dearest. I just don't know, yet if I am ready to say yes....

posted by The Devil @ 10:32 AM

1 Comments:

At 12:39 PM, RC666 said…

I apologize, and I am sorry for being cranky and yelling at Gabe. He just doesn't listen, it's not your fault, you are trying but everyday it's the same things over and over again. You will find whatever works or he will grow out of it. I've never asked for an apology from you and I probably never will. You can't be sorry for how you are or how you feel, it is something you can't really control.

I am here to help when I can, all you have to do is ask. I don't hate Gabe, I don't hold a grudge or anything about him annoying me, if you need time to yourself or to go away let me know I can watch him. I always offer but you always "ass-ume" that it is too much of a hassle. I am here, I love you, I am sorry that I sometimes make matters worse but I am willing to try to help make them better.