Will I ever make it home....: Dear Diary

Will I ever make it home....

Monday, February 12, 2007

Dear Diary

I have no clue how to even begin this post, as it would either come out as bitchy or whiney, or maybe a weird cross between the two, but what the hell, it's my blog and here it goes...(yes, that was a run-on rentence....)

I have recently discovered that my ex-husband has a myspace. Yes. And well, even though it has always been clearly evident to me, that he is a total douchebag, he is making himself look like one completely. It's not that it hurts my feelings to see him gloating at clubs with sub-par looking females. It embarasses me, actually. Because I was married to him for 3 years. I was with him for a little over 4 years. And it embarasses me, because that is the father of my son. I don't want people to misjudge me thinking that THAT is me. Because it isn't. And it's not even people judging me about that, but judging my son, I suppose. Because now, it is confirmed. My ex-husband never dissappoints, I suppose. Well, at least in that regard. I have taken great pains to make my profile private, and myself virtually unfindable. I have assumed a name, and used last names from my past. I have changed my area code, to one far away from me. So even, if he figured it out, and did actually find me, he wouldn't be able to snoop into MY life without him. He tends to overreact over miniscule things, and I know he would try to find some reason, albeit through my page, to try and take custody from me. WHY? Because he is spiteful, and hateful towards me, even if he does swear up and down that we are good friends, and that he still cares for me. I grew up with a liar all my life, so I know how to spot one. And I have an inane intuition that is usually dead on about people's intentions. So, being this "cautious" is for my well being, as well as his.

Okay, but that certainly doesn't stop me from lurking on his page. I know. I'm terrible! I am just so.....I guess, disgusted, is the right word here, at him. I feel so....stupid. I have let him walk all over me time and time again, why? Because I felt guilt. Guilt for things I couldn't undo, for things I shouldn't have done, for thoughts and tears that would never go away. I let him screw me over and over again. All because I felt that I owed him something. Something.
Some people have asked me how I could get over some of the fucked up things that have happened to me. I really don't have an answer. I have been low. I have been high. I have had wonderful friends to guide me and help me through it all. And without my family, I probably wouldn't still be here. It has taken a long time for the rain to stop and my rainbow to shine through. And even if sometimes that rainbow might not be as bright as it was that first day, it's still there. I have been...I suppose "blessed" by circumstances. I didn't see them as such at first, but have now been able to realize that I am lucky.

I am awfully worried about getting out, but that hasn't squashed my excitement. No. Not at all. I can't wait, to be ME again. I am tired of being confused for other people. I am tired of being treated like a dumbass, because I am "low ranking". The sad part is, I might have more sense than half the people in leadership positions in my command. Oh well, I "lack motivation". I am not "driven enough". And you're right. I'm not. I am happy being me. And being dependable, and being reliable, and realistic. Yes, the Army is going through changes, you're right. But they are changes I frankly don't want anything to do with. I am not looking at this as six years wasted of my life, because without the Army, I probably would still be living at home, in some going nowhere job, aspiring for something better, but never realizing it.

My main fear is not being able to get a GOOD job. A job that I am happy in. Money....well, I don't really care for it. As long as I can pay my bills and get a nice thing or two every once in awhile, I'll be fine. I want a life of happiness. You know...all that mushy stuff in hallmark movies. I want that. The nice house in suburbia, with the couple of kids, and dogs. Loving couple happily married. I want that. And I just want a job, where I feel useful, and happy in. Too much to ask for, I suppose. I just get scared that I might not get a job when I first move. And then what am I going to do? File for unemployement? HELL NO. I will get my ass in school so quick they wont even know my name at the registrar's office. I am still debating whether to go to vocational type of environment or go to an actual college and strive for my MBA.

Growing up is hard. I am realizing that. And yes, I have had my heels stuck firmly in the ground for awhile now, wishing to go back to simpler things and times in my life. But I can look in the mirror with pride, and with hope in my eyes. Because I have proved everyone wrong.

And that feels good.

posted by The Devil @ 8:08 PM

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