| Monday, January 30, 2006
Imagine if you will, pressure stemming from your ribcage into your thoracic cavity. Feeling like a stabbing from underneath your nipple to the back of your ribcage. Eveytime you breath.
The only comfort you find is hot showers, and crouching over while applying pressure on the affected area.
Can't take a deep breathe, because searing pain tears into your lung. Just cross out yawning while your at it.
Walking up the stairs you feel faint and dizzy because you can't breathe.
Now imagine this all weekend.
Oh, did I forget to mention a 2 year old boy throwing the temper tantrums of his life...
That was my weekend.
How was yours?
|posted by The Devil @ 12:54 PM
| Monday, January 23, 2006
| Reflection, on things past....
| Memory is a child walking along a seashore. You never know what small pebble it will pick up and store away among its treasured things.
I tend to remember a lot of insignificant things. Smells. Tastes. People's hands. Eyes. The way they walk. I notice a lot of things that most don't. I tend to become rather nostalgic, especially as of late. I look back at a past that haunts me, yet is silenced by the happy times I share with him, now. I have played many different roles in the past, and I have known to be a rather different person in each relationship. I think all people are like that. We are all different in each relationship. I have been the hopeless romantic, the damsel-in-distress, the heartless bitch, the battered victim, the unhappy adultress, the mistress, the golddigger, the fuck buddy, and countless others. Those are just the relationships that I can recall at the moment. Maybe not as significant as some others, but those are a few of the roles that I have partaken in. But lately I haven't done either. I haven't faked being someone to be more appealing. I haven't fluffed myself up or dumbed myself down to be someone's illicit fantasy. I have been......ME. Plain and simple.
I read back on all my myspace blog entries and see so many parts of me, shinning through the mirred words.
I see my cry for help. I see myself trying to surface. Trying.
But never truly getting through.
I've always been afraid of who I am. For many reasons:
- I don't think I'm as nice as I wish I was.
- I say things without thinking of the consequences.
- I try too hard to make everyone happy.
- I have become a rather selfish and introverted person lately.
- I have never been able to get past my guilt and resentment towards things and people.
- I don't know if I really love myself.
I just reflect on my past a lot. To see how I have grown. And to value the wonderful things in my life, such as Randy. Last night he ran a bath for me. It had to be the one and only thing that no one has ever really done for me, that I have always wanted. I mean he does these amazing things for me, that others may think are simple or what-not, but I have never had someone treat me like that. I don't even know how to act. Should I be mad? Glad? I don't want to grow accustomed to something that may not occur as often later on. He buys me flowers and chocolates and writes me sweet things.
And then I feel guilty for not doing these things in return. But I don't want him to think that I am just copying him. I want to have my own original ideas. I want him to know that I love him and think of him all day. That I dream of him at night and that I can't wait to see him after work. It brightens my days. Last night as I soaked and pruned up in my bath, I stared at the candles burning...and I had a moment of silence underwater. I just heard the mechanical heartbeat of my washing machine. I lay there underwater. Floating. Suspension without suspense. It was great. I tried to remember some of the nice things my ex-husband did for me. I couldn't think of any. Just the occasional bouquet of carnations, to apologize for never being there. He seldom helped me. I had to nag him to do simple chores around the house. Randy does them automatically. And it frightens me. I don't know how to thank him. Or how to tell him that he doesn't need to do that.
He is always helping me. I never help him. And that bothers me.
I don't want him to feel as though I just keep around so he can wash my dishes or take out my trash. Or to help with groceries. I want him to know that I don't need those things even though I truly appreciate it. I'm dumbfounded at times. He just does things. Without me asking. And I don't know what to say.
So thank you, Randy. I love you. For being a better man, than any I have ever known.
For loving me freely and openly.
For taking the time and effort to do sweet things for me, when I don't deserve them.
For coming over and holding me while we sleep.
For just being you. Perfect. For. Me.
|posted by The Devil @ 12:45 PM
| Thursday, January 19, 2006
| Love is like hot soup on cold days....
It warms you from the inside, out. Towards your fingers. They alight with warmth and kindness. Where they touch, your warmth remaisn. Condensing on the surface. It is sadistic and pacifist. It is endearing and swallows you raw. It encases your dreams, fears, and hopes. Hoping for things you thought you'd never desire.
It is all these things, and yet we search lifetimes to find it. Once we do. We make choices. Nurture it. Or let it go. You experience loss. You experience joy. You cry inpregnated tears. Tears that make you feel empty inside. That relieve you temporarily. You go insane in love. You lose yourself in that person. You think that your love will defy all odds.
But sadly, this is not true. Love and marriage do not go hand in hand. Marriage is more than just a solemn promise made to try your best. It is the decision to make things work each and every waking day. To keep going. To not give up and lose ground. It can be described as battle. You will not surrender to the enemy.
Love frees you of past inhibitions. It makes you see yourself as something better, grander, more real. You see yourself in the raw. As you came to earth. You love yourself more. Care more. You place another before you. To love unconditonally is impossible. I know this. We all have conditions for others. Tests, for them to pass or fail. You decide from there on if it is worth the risk.
|posted by The Devil @ 8:17 AM
| Thursday, January 12, 2006
| Did you just say I do what?
I knocked on the door, three times. I had shuffled around the vending machine waiting for the eternity that was a minute to pass by. I stood there, looking at that omnipotent door, as though it were infected. I stilled my breath so that I could hear the quiet chatter inside that room.
"Enter", she says. I walk in looking at my boots. Wishing I had had more time to shine them to a nice gloss. I walked in, closing the door silently. I looked at the familiar faces, and tried not to show the fear and anxiety on my face. My heart was racing . I surpressed a giggle, and tried not to blush. But once you try not to blush you blush more. I could not bring myself to meet their eyes. I stood there for what seemed an eternity. Very still. I saluted, announced my name and greeted the President and the other members.
She tells me to sit. Which I do. And self conciuosly wonder if I shall remember anything that I have studied in the past week. My mind is a big blank. Nothing. Just silence ringing in my ears. I hear them distantly speaking. And I nod my head in the right places. But my mind is a million miles away.
They start firing questions at me. I answer as best I could. I giggle. I smile. Not in a flitatious manner, but in a nervous one. I can't make eye contact. I'm ferociously red, and my palms are sweaty, sticky and sliding on my lap. I turn my head. I hear the loudness of my heartbeat pumping in my ear. The wall clock counts off seconds, but they seem too long and foreign. Within a span of 10 minutes, they finish. My heart slows as I know we are nearing the end. I had a horrible opening, but the ending was good. I succeded in not making a complete and utter fool of myself.
The she speaks. Constructive criticism, they called it.
I bite my lip too much. I look up. I don't make eye contact. I giggle. I smile. I answered truthfully and didn't try to fluff myself up to some bad-ass army girl. I wasn't Hooah enough.
But what bothered me, was the biting my lip too much. Yes, my nervousness makes me bite my lips. Lack of carmex makes me bite my lips. But why would they say it's a bad thing?
So that was my board. We'll see how I do on the real one. I'm off to study.
|posted by The Devil @ 9:20 AM
| Wednesday, January 04, 2006
| Nine Layers of Me
Name: Nancy R. "Meds"
Birthplace: Houston, Texas
Current Location: Bethesda, MD
Eye Color: Brown
Hair Color: Naturally brown, but an odd mixture right now...
Righty or Lefty: Righty
Sun Sign: Taurus
Innie or Outtie: Innie
Your heritage: 100 % Mexican
The shoes you wore today: Black Steel toe Doc's & my pink n' black adidas
Your hair: Highlighted, straight as a board, and to my shoulders
Your eyes: Brown, big
Your weakness: smoking, chocolate, Gabe's hugs
Your fears: Chokin, being raped, bees, heights
Your perfect pizza: pepperoni & mushroom
One thing you'd like to achieve: get financially together
Your most overused phrase on IM:LMFAO, hee hee hee, WTF?
Your first waking thoughts: '10 more minutes!'
The first feature you notice in the opposite sex: Eyes, Hands
Your best physical feature: Uhm, I like my smile...but I get a lot of compliments on my eyes
Your bedtime: I should be asleep by 9, but I hardly am....
Your greatest fear: Being hated by my child
Your greatest accomplishment: Being a mother
Your most missed memory: Appreciating everything
Pepsi or Coke: Coke, especially the Vanilla kind!
McDonald's or Burger King: BK...
Single or group dates:Single at first, group afterwards
Adidas or Nike: Adidas
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Any! As long as it SWEET!
Chocolate or vanilla: CHOCOLATE!!!
Cappuccino or coffee: As long as it has caffeine, I'll take it...
Smoke: No tas much as I used to..
Cuss: Is it bad when you're child repeats "I'm gonna beat your ass, mommy!" at Walmart?
Sing: Yes, but only when I'm drunk or cleaning....
Take a shower everyday: Only on the days that end in Y
Have a crush(es): Yup....
Who are they: The sweetest person ever!
Do you think you've been in love: Yup...
Want to go to college: Sure do...maybe this summer...
Like high school: Yeah, it was fun!
Want to get married: Just got divorced....
Believe in yourself: not as much as I should
Type with your fingers on the right keys: Sometimes
Think you're attractive: When I'm dressed to the nines, of course!
Think you're a health freak: No, but I love healthy food...
Get along with your parents: My father, yes.....my mother, that's a whole different story
Play an instrument: I used to play the clarinet, flute, oboe, sax, and a little piano...now I don't do squat!
In the past month, did you...Drink alcohol: Yup....that's fun!
Smoke: About to go out right now...
Do a drug: Nope, that's pretty irresponsible
Make Out: Last night
Go on a date: Kinda...
Eat an entire box of Oreos: Nope, but sounds fun!
Eat sushi: Nope, but I love it...
Been on stage: Naw...
Been dumped: Not really....I mean, been dumped on...lol....not like that, fool!
Gone skating: No, but it'd be fun....
Made homemade cookies: Indeed I did, and it was a burnt disaster....
Been in love: Yes, thankfully!
Gone skinny dipping: In my bath tub...
Dyed your hair: Nope, but I do need to!
Stolen anything: Naw....
Have you ever...Played a game that required removal of clothing: Yes..
If so, was it mixed company: Yup!
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Ha ha, Gabe wasn't just conceived out of thin air!
Been caught "doing something": Yeah, kinda....
Been called a tease: Yeah, I don't get it!
Gotten beaten up: Definitely, but I won a few fights here and there back in my hayday
Shoplifted: Yeah, used to do it a lot....
If so, did you get caught: Naw...I was pretty slick
Changed who you were to fit in: Not that I can recall, but probably....
Age you hope to be married: Uhm, when I am ready....to do it.....again....
Numbers and Names of Children: 1 Boy, Gabriel Xavier
Describe your Dream Wedding: Uhm, immaculate! Clean and simple, yet elegant....like a Martha Stewart Weddings Mag....
How do you want to die: Quietly in my sleep, once my son no longer needs me
What do you want to be when you grow up: Happy.
What country would you most like to visit: Italy
Number of guys I have kissed: Ha ha, like I'm supposed to know!
Number of boyfriends you've had: Dated a lot, but I would say about 4 real relationships
Number of drugs taken illegally: Too many
Number of people I could trust with my life: 6
Number of CDs that I own: however many are scattered around my car, office, and house
Number of piercings: Just 2...both my ears
Number of tattoos: Three, but I want more this year
Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: I know of at least twice
Number of scars on my body: A lot, I'm really clumsy and accident prone...and I was a tomboy
Number of things in my past that I regret:I wish I didn't have any regrets, but I do....mostly about things I have done that I can not change....
|posted by The Devil @ 2:08 PM
| Tuesday, January 03, 2006
| 2005 is out the door....
|Last year I...
Was living "alone" for the first time ever....
Was separated from my "husband"......
Was legally cheating on my "husband".....
Was working on New Years Day.....
Had a great view on how life was going to be without "husband".........
Had an almost 2 year old who adored me.....
Was in Texas, and thought I would be there till I died.....
Thought the guy I was with, was a good person.....(boy! was I wrong on that one!)
Had several mental breakdowns.....
Was being sued by the state of Texas and the Attorney General....(thanks, MOM!!)
This year I....
Am living alone with Gabe....for real.....
Am divorced from "husband"......
Am in a serious relationship with Randy.....
Worked on New Years Day.....
Have a shitty view of life.....in general....
Have an almost 3 year old who treats me like shit......
Currently live in the DC area....will be here till 2008.....
Think the guy I am with is awesome.....(hopefully my judgement is better!)
Haven't broken down....but I did almost cry this morning.....
Am still being sued by the state of Texas, blah blah blah.....
Isn't it fucking hilarious how so many things may change but yet, so many stay exactly the same?! They are forever constant...always there....omnipotent in their own right. I still feel tied down to "husband", because he calls me every day and tries to talk to me like we are still married.
I am a resentful person. I hold resentment. For everything and everyone. I just can't let it go. I still hate my mother, even though the thought of her missing so much of my son's life bothers me. I want him to have as much family as possible.
I wish I could learn to let go. Of a lot of things. I have been misjudged because I am young, because I am hispanic. Because I have a kid and I am only 22. I'm not as bad as I might seem or as I may come off to people. I work my ass off and I try hard to be a good person, for what?!
I just pray....that in 2006....I find a lot less tears....a lot less heartache...and a lot less stress....I hope that this is the better year that I have hoped for....Cheers for now...
I'll let you know next year, if it was okay....or not....
|posted by The Devil @ 3:12 PM
Name: The Devil
Home: Somewhere in, Texas, United States
About Me: I'm a young mom, who stresses out far too much.
See my complete profile
"Before you do anything, think. If you do something to try and impress someone, to be loved, accepted or even to get someone's attention, stop and think. So many people are busy trying to create an image, they die in the process."-Salma Hayek
|The Ones I Adore