 "Then I see you standing there, Wanting more from me, And all I can do is try, I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness, And all the real people are really not real at all, The more I learn the more I cry, As I say goodbye to the way of life, I thought I had designed for me"
I have this pocket on my board labeled "Pocketfull of Wishes". I have yet to actually put a wish in there, for I have grown to disbelieve wishing will actually accomplish anything in this world. So here I go, maybe if I write them down, I can actually start trying to make these come true. So here goes: I wish for patience. I need it desperately like I need air. I need to be more patient in all my undertakings in the world. I wish for unconditional love. Open, free love; not necessarily open relationships, but real and trusting love that actually lasts longer than I can hope for. I wish to understand others better. To be able to communicate without judgement, without lies, without my lack of compassion for others. I wish to grant every wish my son has to him. I never want to fail him. I want to be his beloved, as he is mine. I wish to be a more loyal friend. It's not that I think I am a bad friend, I just tend to get wrapped up in the moment and forget to keep in touch with those near and dear to my heart. I wish to succesfully make someone in this world happy. I mean truly happy. To make them feel fulfilled however I can. I wish to learn how to become a photographer. I wish to make my son's childhood happy. I know I can do a lot more with what I have, but I don't think I have made the effort. I wish I were a better "soldier". I wish that I didn't give up on my many endeavors, from the smallest ones to the larger goals that I have made for myself. I wish I could learn how not to be disappointed with people. Or maybe I should learn how not to expect so much, yet receive so little. I wish to be able to give 110% of me all the time, to everyone. No exceptions! I wish that I can actually open up all parts of my heart and let love in. I am still learning how to do this. And I'm getting better at it, but I still have many doors closed inside. If only I can find the proper keys to succeed in this. I wish to know myself before I settle down again (if I ever do again!). I want to know that I have been able to take care of myself, before I rely on someone else to be there for me. I wish to be free from all the demons that still haunt my heart. I need to learn forgiveness for myself and others who have trampled on my heart.
"Most plain girls are virtuous because of the scarcity of opportunity to be otherwise." Material Things Entertainment Center Entertainment system Bookshelves Computer desk Cable/Internet Phone (both cell and house) Clothes Shoes (especially some nice black books or FMBs) Dresser for my room Bedroom set Digital camera New car seat TV and DVD player for Gabe A gift card to a nice salon so I can get my hair "did"
Now I don't think I will get any of these things anytime soon, just because I am only an e4 with a lot of bills, trying to take care of a 2 year old, and trying to get back on my feet. I just wanted to write all this stuff down. I guess to make me feel better, like maybe I'm not the only materialistic person in the world. |
