Will I ever make it home....: Welcome to my Life

Will I ever make it home....

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Welcome to my Life

Please feel free to step on me whenever you'd like. Now, if I ever have a favor to ask, you are to be indebted to me. Don't make excuses. Don't say you have to do too much. Don't say you have school, or appointments to meet. Just do it. Don't say you'll do something and run out on me on the last minute. Okay, now that I got that off of my chest. Onto my other bitching.

Today, LCS graduates from his "Warrior Leadership Course". Gay. Anywho, I just am looking forward to someone else being here, so I don't feel like I do slave labor all damn day for my measly paycheck. Bitch, Bitch, Bitch!

Gabe was "sick" again. He must have been bitten by a spider or some other random bug on his chest, which is now inflamed, and he has had off and on fevers. He has been moody and cranky, whiney, and just well a brat. He was pretty good last night, which was surprising. Even though he embarassed me at the hospital (which is usual nowadays!). I go to spend all day with him yesterday, which was okay. But between hating work, and not wanting to do anymore housework, I think I'm in dire need of a vacation! It's not that I am lazy. Or feel that I have too much to do. But I'm at the point of "Fuck it!"

I got my surgery next week. I'm scared, even though I don't think I want to admit that. What if things go wrong? Ugh, I wont think about that. NEXT!

I noticed that I am still very angry and resentful towards my XH. I thought I was over it, but I'm not so sure nowadays. I need to tie all my loose ends so to speak in order to move forward in my life. Maybe the anticipation of going back to where it all started, has woken up those dormant angry emotions. I'm waiting for him to fuck me over. It's his thing. I'm standing here guarded agaisn't him, and yet guarding myself subconciously from Randy. Even though I KNOW he would never be like that with me. I know Randy does love me now, and that there might be a possibility of us actually making a future together. I don't know where my life is going, and I am still very young, and Gabe and Aaron (sp?) complicate things a lot. I still haven't met his kid. Not saying that I want to right now, this minute, but I think that factored in would concrete my mind about where all this is actually leading.

I'm pissed. Why? I don't know? Maybe it's this stupid diet. Or the fact that I hate myself a lot these days. That I regret every misleading turn, every heartbreak, and every tear I've shed. I don't want that for my rowdy boy. I want laughter, dog kisses, sunshine, bubbles, and midnights filled with s'mores. I want simple. I want clean. I want, I want, I want!

Still have many bills piled up. The collection agencies have started harrassing me again. Fuck them! My XH was supposed to pay for that since he took everything! I kept just the things I went into the marriage with. Why?! Ugh, enough about unhappy things.

DQ and Specy. What an unlikely pair! They are fabulous! I love them. I am so glad to have another couple to hang out with (or at least did a couple of times), that were cool and talkative and down to earth. DQ is really great. She is a lot nicer than I would have expected. Most people usually look down on me, since I am so young. Uncle Tome and Sugarduck are getting married next week. Congrats to them. They are an awesome couple. They match each other perfectly! I'll miss Uncle Tom, since he'll be in Korea forever! Hopefully our paths will cross once more.

Randy. I can't bitch about him. He is my lover, my best friend and confidant. I can't believe how lucky I am sometimes to have such a wonderful guy like him in my life. He makes all the bad things better. He has stood by me, since all the bullshit has commenced. He treats me like I am worth millions, and is funny and smart. And I am so thankful for having him alongside of me through this fucked up journey called life.

Me. I'll bitch about me. Because I should. I hate myself a lot. Why? Because I'm not happy with myself. I've made a mess. I forget to clean it up. I take my personal frustrations and take them out on others. I forget about me, a lot. I forget that I was once unattached, and free. That I had no strings attached to my heart. That I had no responsibilities. That I was happy with myself. That no matter how I looked, I was happy. And now, well, I just hate how I've let myself go. I used to care so much about myself. Really loved myself. But was with someone so toxic and poisonous that he made me hate myself. I want to look in the mirror and love myself again.

So, I'll start today. Wish me luck, and pray for me, if that's your thing.

posted by The Devil @ 1:11 PM

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