Will I ever make it home....: My So Called Life...

Will I ever make it home....

Saturday, March 24, 2007

My So Called Life...

I sit in this orange office and feel, well...incomplete. I feel like I have become nothing more than a failure. I have failed to realize my goals and dreams. I remember being a little girl at the tender age of 9 and wishing that I was older. That I would become sophisticated, educated, and successful at a young age. I would ponder longingly into the oak tree I planted and watched as it flourished through the years. I wanted to be like that tree. That no matter what, come rain, or drought, I would continue to grow. I envisioned my adulthood as a life of abundance. A life of carefree nights, dancing in dark clubs, meeting new strangers. By day I would wear power suits, and be beautiful.

I joined the military. Why? Because I had something to prove to everyone. I was more than a pretty face. I was a strong woman. I wanted to prove to everyone that I could be more than what I looked like. Looks aren't everything. I tend to forget that on most days. I had the dream of joining the military when I was just 8. Yes. I joined at 17 with permission from my parents. I regretted my decision on that first day of Basic. It was the worst experience. But as the weeks passed and I noticed my inner self succeeding, I was finally proud. Proud of myself. And what I had accomplished. How in just 11 weeks I had changed so profoundly that I hardly recognized the girl that signed that contract. The military has been a tilt a whirl of experiences. A lot of lows, and a couple of highs. I have learned that life is completely different outside of the military. People in general are different. I have made some of the most wonderful friends in the military. Some of them are closer to me than my family. I have also lost the sense of who I truly was.

The last couple of weeks have been a blur. They just feel like one extremely long day. I was working my butt off. I was trying not to have a mental breakdown. I took my certification exam and passed. I am still waiting on my certificate. I am now a registered nationally accredited technician. Translation: more money for me when I go civilian. We had our inspection and passed with flying colors. I got kudos for my enrichment program, and I also got a lot of thanks from everyone for it. Except Momma Bear. I guess we are on the outs. Which is fine by me. I hate when people can't be direct, and try to pussyfoot over issues. Or get credit for busting their humps, when in reality they're not really doing much. I had my surgery to remove a cyst from behind my ear. Hopefully it wont come back anymore. Gabe has been sick the last couple of days and I just feel like an awful mother. I "started" with Mary Kay, and even though I am in "training", I feel unconvinced by it all. I am on the fence about whether I can actually play along with the cult like stuff they want me to do. I just want some extra cash, so I can fluff up my savings account. Expect the unexpected, I suppose. Things are still going great with RC and I, but I feel like I have been neglecting everything lately. I just want a break from my son, RC, the dog, and just life in general. I feel like everyday is the same. Get up, get stuff ready for my son, drop off my son, go to work, pick up son, make or buy dinner, watch TV, yell at son, get him ready for bed, take care of dog, watch TV, go to bed. Wake up and do it all over again. I feel like I have completely forgotten who I wanted to be. Who I was supposed to be. I know when I made the decision to have and keep my child, that I didn't really think of everything. I just thought it through to baby. After that everything was sort of a big blank.

I miss me time. I know how selfish of me. But I do. I miss sleeping in on weekends. Not having to answer a million questions about every single little thing and why. I miss being able to read a book all day if I wanted to. I miss being able to go out, have fun with some of the girls, and come home at 6 am without the worry of having to wake up at 7 or 8 am to a crying kid, knocking on my door. I miss the me that had greater ambitions, than to just be able to have an awesome birthday party for my kid. I know. I know. I must sound like the worst parent in the world, but I still do all the things that are required of me. Yes, I may be overstressed with the thought of being a single parent, but my child was MY choice. And this is what comes with that choice. I just have to sacrifice myself. And even if I did go out and do those things, I just end up feeling guilt. Am I horribly broken in some way for not feeling okay with leaving my kid with a babysitter so that I can go out and enjoy a movie, or have coffee with some friends? Or am I wrong for wanting to do those things instead of enjoying my son? I know I am not the BEST mom out there, and I am strict to a certain degree, and I am sure RC would disagree with me in a heartbeat, but I am trying. I just have given up, in a way.

I feel like I have no real friends here. No one that truly can understand what it is I am talking about. I mean I have "friends". But not like my best friend. No matter the distance we can talk and completely understand one another. Oh okay, this isn't a damn pity party. I am not sitting here saying love me, tell me I am okay, and I am not a complete failure as a human being. No, I don't want pity. I don't want some magic cure all drug to make me feel less shitty about things. This is life. At least I am living it, to a certain degree. There are people out there that want children. That can't have them. And here I am just complaining all about it. How crappy am I? I just need to vent this out. I just need this to be out of my system. I am just worried. And I know I overly worry about everything, but it's my thing. I have the gray hairs to match my worry.

Maybe I am jealous of those moms that seem to have it all. A happy marriage, good kids, a succesful career, and interesting friends. Is that possible? I know I am NO where close to ready for another shot at marriage. And even if RC and I did tie the knot sometime in the next 10 years, we wont ever be able to be like a normal family. We each have our children from previous marriages, and from what I can tell, we aren't going to have any of our own. Our home would be strictly unconventional, since I wont be able to parent his child, and well he doesn't parent mine. Sounds like the recipe for disaster. His parenting style is VASTLY different from mine. I grew up with a very strict father, and borderline abusive mother. I don't want to be that. I don't want my child to fear me. I want him to respect me, and understand that sometimes I have to spank and correct him. I don't want to be his best "friend", but I don't want to be so emotionally unavailable that he doesn't understand me. I love that he's curious and that he wants to learn about the world, but RC does make me feel bad for answering questions and for letting him do some things. It's just a constant battle with myself. Please my child.....or please RC. I fail either way.

I just need........

................Peace.

posted by The Devil @ 11:00 AM

1 Comments:

At 1:26 PM, RC666 said…

We all dream of that fancy life growing up, it's not over yet, there is still time. It does get boring quick going through the same routine, but that is life someday that will change too.

You are not a bad mother for wanting to go out, you need not feel guilty when you leave him with a babysitter, you hardly do that as it is, if you were doing it a couple times a week then that would be a different story. And just because my parenting style is different doesn't mean its better or worse than you. Its your child I just offer my opinion on things to try to help, I'm sorry if my opinions make you mad or whatever. It doesn't make me hate you or him. I just get cranky. I'm sorry.