Will I ever make it home....: No me conoses....

Will I ever make it home....

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

No me conoses....

It may seem to me that lately I have been under an odd depression. I seem to just keep living every day in sync, without really putting much thought to any of the regular on goings of my day to day life. I have had no motivation to do anything, go anywhere, or talk to anyone. I don't know why it is this way as of late. Maybe it all the changes that are about to happen in my life that have frightened me into a submissive attitude. I have always been a worry wart. An anxious person. But lately I have balled up all those emotions away into a little ball. I just don't want them to implode into a rage of disillusionment. I guess I am just really scared about being a "civilian" again. I mean this is all I have known for the past 6 years and it is really scary to think that in a couple of months all the benefits (that I hardly take advantage of anyway), the security, and the comfort will be done. Over. For who knows how long. I am just overwhelmed and don't really have anyone that I can confide in about how I am freaking out completely internally.

Life is funny sometimes. Through the misdt of my 1/4 life mid life crisis, our country is in a mess. The Virginia Tech Massacre has been all that has been on TV for the past couple of days. Why a school shooting? A college at that?! Is there no where in this country where a child can be sent off to school without giving their parents a heart attack out of anxiety. I mean since the Columbine thing there have been numerous school shootings. Even at elementaries. Seriously, what is wrong with this country? I am fearful of sending my child to public school. Now I have to fear him going to a college? I guess life is like that. You never know when your last day is. When the last time you see someone you love will be. When the last time you eat, bathe, drive, look up into the sky, see the stars, feel a breeze, get a kiss, have an argument, or anything else will be. It's the fact of life. Since birth we are ticking time bombs awaiting unexpected, unplanned circumstances to set off. It's so abnormal that this is our reality. Driving in the DC area, there have been numerous times where I have wondered if that would be the last time I drive. Forever. If the last time I see my child will be when I kiss him when I drop him off at daycare. I know. I shouldn't worry about death. I am not a morbid person, I swear. I just get anxious about certain things. Maybe it is this area. I have not really felt safe since I moved here.

I guess I am tired of being so blah about everything. A couple of months ago I searched fervently for a job, a place to live, and for things that I want. Lately I have been so let down, maybe?, that I have no real inspiration to put myself out there. It's always that fear of being rejected that lingers in the back of my mind. That satisfaction of knowing I wont get a job has been feeding my depression. I don't want to be a burden to anyone and have always been a very driven and unquenchable mind, but lately I feel so overwhelmed, underpowered, and misguided with the process of being a real adult. I just want to lay in bed all day doing nothing. Maybe be alone with my thoughts and my fears. But I am trying to refuse them. I will not allow them to consume my every bit of hope, as that is all I have left for my future. I have some issues with the whole moving to San Antonio that I haven't necessarily addressed with myself or with RC. I know he probably feels 10 times the stress I am. I mean to be realistic he is wanting to move there because of me. And maybe that pressure has transcended into me, and has made me much more anxious about the future. The repercussions of this move, should things fail would be VAST. And that thought alone is enough to make me want to cower away into a little ball under the security of my blanket.

As I try to not let those harrowing thoughts pester me as I sleep, I try to think of the possibilities. After all my mind is the only thing that is actually keeping me from thinking like a successful person. I need to convince my mind to allow itself to think big, to dream bigger, and to wish for the hopefulness of tomorrow. Would it be wiser to finally make those adult situations that others expect of me? I have no clue. Should I give up now, while it's still good? I still don't know. I have less than 4 months left. Almost a quarter of a year to decide my fate for what seems a promising future. I just need to continue making the right steps towards my actual goals. And I know that with RC and Gabe there to support me through it, I can achieve anything.

posted by The Devil @ 7:05 AM

1 Comments:

At 2:50 PM, RC666 said…

I have been thinking about blogging about my depression too, just haven't really had the time to sit and try to sort through all the thoughts swarming.

I love you and we will get through it together.