| Wednesday, December 07, 2005 |
| It's my disease....I can't help it.... |
| If anger were a disease, I think I would seriously suffer from it. I guess in a way it is a disease. It gives me headaches, makes my heart ache, and makes me loose my appetite. I am a good worker, or else I wouldn't have all the good praise and awards that I have thus far. I know this. People tell me that all the time. But I hate when people keep pushing my buttons, when I have told them on more than one occassion to please stop before I stop. I suffer from keeping my emotions in check and being polite. I don't show my anger to people. I am passive-aggressive....Until I can't take anymore and I completely loose it all. It's hard writing this. Because I am about to cry. My mental health is deteriorating. I know this. I have seeked out the help for it but as of late that went to the wayside. My psycologist had a lot to say about my childhood and my behavior. It hurt to hear, and I have been trying to deal with it in my own way. But it's hard. Have you ever felt like you were drowning alone, even in a sea of other people? That's the best way I can describe how I feel. I don't know what it is that triggers it off here at work, maybe it's everything. Everything has changed and I don't know if it is for the better. But I feel very....surpressed...very cornerned. Like I will lash out at the next thing. I displace my anger and my feelings onto others....The results of this is a messy word throw-up that I end up regretting. All of this is incapacitating and if is all consuming me. The anger is infecting everything. Why am I so angry? What is making me so angry? EVERYTHING. That's just it. I don't know why. I am mad at myself mostly. For being a pushover. For not standing up for myself. For not defending myself. For not believing in myself. I have failed myself somewhow and I am no longer upset about it, just angry. I have forgotten how to love myself like I used to. I don't know why. I feel very alone in my anger, and the most excruciating part of all this is that I want to be alone in it. I want to revel in it. I want to be angry. I feel like I have the right to. I have beem far too kind for far too long. No more of this nice me. I am going to get everyone back for all the frustrations and tears I have cried. EVERYONE. I promise. Okay maybe not. I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror everyday, knowing that I had turned into a bitch. So what does one do when the anger is spreading in their hearts, kicking out the love that once was there? Can anger replace love? |
posted by The Devil @ 10:45 AM  |
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| About Me |
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Name: The Devil
Home: Somewhere in, Texas, United States
About Me: I'm a young mom, who stresses out far too much.
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"Before you do anything, think. If you do something to try and impress someone, to be loved, accepted or even to get someone's attention, stop and think. So many people are busy trying to create an image, they die in the process."-Salma Hayek |
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