Will I ever make it home....
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Anger Management
I need it. I am so lit up right now. My fucking goodness. I can't believe the amount of anger seething inside of me. I feel as though a flame just instantly burst in my soul. It's not that I want to act like a brat. But damn it! I am so tired of picking up the slack for everyone. I have to give up whatever I want in order to accomodate everyone else. Why is that? I am so tired of being the damn welcome mat! FUCK YA'LL! LCS had an appointment this morning, so of course he wasn't going to be here. I had a detail (because I am in the color guard) at 1030 this morning. Mama Bear, wasn't doing shit, so that's covered, and TS&HA was going to be here (for once!) and actually work (for once!). So, I showered, after I made sure the boss had everything she needed for the surgery, and that TS&HA was okay. I managed to get halfway dressed. And then as I was getting my stuff ready to go downstairs, I hear TS&HA saying she just got stuck. That Mama Bear was coming to replace her, so I could still go do the color guard thing. Mama Bear had a different story. She always backs out of work. She claims to be so "busy", but when it comes to actually doing something with the animals, she doesn't do shit! And that shit pisses me off. She is my supervisor, so I just can't be like "Look, cunt, you're gonna actually fucking work for once, while I go do this color guard thing. Capish?" Even though I think I would be able to die euphoric if I did get the opportunity to give her a piece of my mind. She made all these excuses, about this and that. And how much more important it is. And her position takes precendence. I hate that word. I hate it!

And ya'll can guess who got stuck here.



You know you wanna!



I am so fucking tired of this shit. Now, see I love to work. I am a work-a-holic. I love being busy, and being in surgery, and doing stuff. You know all the nitty-gritty. I love it! But I hate being walked on. I get taken advantage of because I am nice. And because I like to work. And I like to clean. So, the other lazy people try to use that to their advantage. Ugh! I just want to go home. Sleep. And maybe wake up next week. I am just exhausted. Burned out.

Eh, did I mention the so-called proposal that Mama Bear made to us, the cubs, this morning?

Well, goes like this:

We work 4 days a week 10 hour days. We get 1 day a week off guaranteed.

Sounds good, right?

Hours of operation: 0630 hrs till 1800 hrs. (meaning 6:30 till 6:00 pm)

See, our 1 hour of PT (exercise, if you will!) is cut out. The "1 hour lunch" also, excised from that block. And of course our 30 minutes of hygiene after PT. So there you have it. Of course TS&HA was upset, because with this schedule, she can't make prior commitments and not be here to cover here shift. Sounds good for us. But she was putting up a bunch of excuses. Talking about how she was going to get burned out. Uhm, hello?! You are getting 30 days of convalescent leave for gallstone removal! How can you bitch about being burned out? I haven't had a vacation since October! I need a break! Well, there you have it. I am done bitching. I was just so pissed off! I still am.

The poison is spreading. God save us!
posted by The Devil @ 12:31 PM   0 comments
Friday, March 24, 2006
Make me unselfish, without being blind...
"Let me be patient let me be kind
Make me unselfish without being blind
Though I may suffer I'll envy it not
And endure what comes
Cause he's all that I got
And tell him...
Tell him I need him
Tell him I love him
And it'll be alright"

In just a couple of months Gabe will be going back to Texas. I will be there to drop him off. To return him to our birthplace. To return him into the embrace of his father. I will not get to spend the summer with him. I will miss our trips to the pool, and to the lake. I will miss lazy Sunday's at Trader's Village in the company of my boisterous family. I will miss us laying the itchy grass outback, soaking in the summer sun. I will miss the crickets with their llulaby. I wont get to see him play softball, or to see him put on his first pair of soccer shorts. I will miss him getting on my nerves. His talking back to me. His laugh. His smell. I will miss his cries out to me in the middle of the night. I will even miss him waking me up at 6 on the weekends. I already ache for him. It's not enough time. I have taken him for granted. I get angry too quickly. He will come back a boy. No longer my baby. He is independent, curious, and stubborn. He takes after me. His embrace, albeit rough will be sorely missed. I will probably fall apart. My heart breaks thinking that I wont see him everyday. I am missing what is here, now. What if something were to occur and I wasn't there to kiss the pain away? Will he despise me? Will he ever understand why I am doing this? I need the break, don't get me wrong. I need to go to school. I need to better myself in order to provide. I plan on finishing up my time playing Army. Six years of my life wasted. I haven't accomplished much if anything at all. I am seen as nothing but a blip in the radar. There one second, and gone the next. I will cry my heart out, when I leave him. Cold turkey is difficult. It's not easy to have him here and to just deposit him into his father's care. But I am not here to deny him of a father. It's not my motive to divorce him of his father's love. My perogative was to divorce my XH, not divorce our families. Before he leaves, we need to find a bigger place, have everything moved in and ready for when Aaron comes and visits Randy. How funny. As I leave my child, Randy will have Aaron here. It's funny. But it should help keep me occupied. At least temporarily. I will miss you, my rowdy boy. I will cry for you. But I will stay strong. I hope you enjoy your time with your father. And that he enjoys it, too. I will be here waiting untill you come back. And like I tell you: Mommy always comes back.
posted by The Devil @ 10:41 AM   0 comments
Monday, March 20, 2006
I finally admitted it...
I did. The worse possible thing I could have said. I said it out loud. I admitted it to Randy. I am the world's worst mother.

reĀ·sentĀ·ment ( P ) Pronunciation Key (r-zntmnt)n.
Indignation or ill will felt as a result of a real or imagined grievance. See Synonyms at anger.

I admitted something that I have never even told or mentioned to any of my therapists, for fear of being judged as a horrible mother. I don't want to be seen as incapable of providing a stable home environment for my child. I tried not to cry. But it hurt to admit it. I am missing things. Maybe they are just imagined or maybe even real, but I still have grieved them internally. I blame my son, though not seriously or in real life. But I do. Inside of me. I have harbored these horrible emotions, pent up. Festering. Into hateful little balls, that burn me from the inside in.

What kind of mother am I? How could I resent something like my own my child? It's not his fault that I am not in college. There are plenty of single mothers who work full time, go to school and still are mothers, on their own. But I am such a coward. I can't deal with change. I am still emotionally traumatized by having to uproot my son and myself. I am 1800 miles away from the only place I have ever known my entire life. The area is growing on me, but I still yearn for home. I miss it. I want to be there. So my family and friends could help me achieve what I want to do. Without feeling massive guilt for wanting to be selfish. I have spent my life caring for everyone else except me. I can't bring myself to be selfish. I could never just run off and ignore my responsibilities as a mother for more than one night. It racks me with guilt. I don't even have fun if I go out. Because Gabe is there, in my heart. I worry about him the entire time I am away from him. I worry that something will happen. Or that he'll have a hard time. Or that some accident will happen to me, and I wont see him again. Or a fire. Or a burglary. Or this..... or that.....

I resent. Not Gabriel exactly. Myself, really. I hate that I am a coward. That I have no real skill. That I am lazy, pretentious, boring. That I just sit and mope about how I am not doing this or that. Instead of getting out there and doing it. I hate myself for being guilty, for being spineless. Kids don't come with instructions. I know this. I want someone to tell me how to be a better mother. But I always fail. And I resent him sometimes for making me feel like a failure. I will not admit defeat.
posted by The Devil @ 10:27 AM   2 comments
Thursday, March 16, 2006
"You're back already?!"
Uhm, obviously I am back if you are asking me, correct? To all who thought of me, thank you for your best wishes! The procedure went well, no complications and pretty quickly. It was something I'd rather not experience again, even though the Serax was fun! I conned them into giving me a relaxing drug, since I giggle too much when I am nervous, and the fact that they would be electrocautering my cervix, while I giggled, isn't the most anticipated reaction to pain. I couldn't eat, but I forced myself to eat something, and once the Serax took effect I felt like I was stoned and a little drunk. I was very relaxed. Non-chalant about everything going on. Now, don't get me wrong, I almost cried during the procedure, and it did hurt, but I didn't care. RC waited for me. I am sure he was feeling uncomfortable waiting with the pregnant ladies. I had to tell about two of them that I was not expecting. I am he probably had the same scenario. So, people have been curious about what I had done, and being an honest and maybe somewhat blunt person, once they hear what I had done, they balk and seemed disgusted. This is mostly the male audience, and the females only cringe in pain while holding their lower abdominal (sp?) area. Then they follow up with a "You're back already?!", with a look of shock! Ha ha, I feel fine. Yes, I feel like I have major cramps, but other than that, I feel fine. I did a light walk around the track, about 2.5 miles. The bleeding has gotten much heavier. And no sex, nothing in the vagina for the next four weeks. This is going to suck! Uncle Tom and Sugarduck's wedding is on Saturday. I can't wait. This will be fun. I am going to get all dressed up, and RC is going to wear his dress blues, which he looks damn sexy in, and I can't even take advantage of him later on, because.....I can't have sex! The nurse told RC we had to "be creative". RC shuddered as we walked away. I think she disgusted him with the whole, just be creative statement. Ha ha ha. Well, just wanted to say a quick, I'm fine. I'm alive. I have cramps. But I feel good. I feel as though a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I know in time the weight will return. But as far as today, I feel very glad to be here once again. I bid you all good health, and a wonderful day!
posted by The Devil @ 8:15 AM   1 comments
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Welcome to my Life
Please feel free to step on me whenever you'd like. Now, if I ever have a favor to ask, you are to be indebted to me. Don't make excuses. Don't say you have to do too much. Don't say you have school, or appointments to meet. Just do it. Don't say you'll do something and run out on me on the last minute. Okay, now that I got that off of my chest. Onto my other bitching.

Today, LCS graduates from his "Warrior Leadership Course". Gay. Anywho, I just am looking forward to someone else being here, so I don't feel like I do slave labor all damn day for my measly paycheck. Bitch, Bitch, Bitch!

Gabe was "sick" again. He must have been bitten by a spider or some other random bug on his chest, which is now inflamed, and he has had off and on fevers. He has been moody and cranky, whiney, and just well a brat. He was pretty good last night, which was surprising. Even though he embarassed me at the hospital (which is usual nowadays!). I go to spend all day with him yesterday, which was okay. But between hating work, and not wanting to do anymore housework, I think I'm in dire need of a vacation! It's not that I am lazy. Or feel that I have too much to do. But I'm at the point of "Fuck it!"

I got my surgery next week. I'm scared, even though I don't think I want to admit that. What if things go wrong? Ugh, I wont think about that. NEXT!

I noticed that I am still very angry and resentful towards my XH. I thought I was over it, but I'm not so sure nowadays. I need to tie all my loose ends so to speak in order to move forward in my life. Maybe the anticipation of going back to where it all started, has woken up those dormant angry emotions. I'm waiting for him to fuck me over. It's his thing. I'm standing here guarded agaisn't him, and yet guarding myself subconciously from Randy. Even though I KNOW he would never be like that with me. I know Randy does love me now, and that there might be a possibility of us actually making a future together. I don't know where my life is going, and I am still very young, and Gabe and Aaron (sp?) complicate things a lot. I still haven't met his kid. Not saying that I want to right now, this minute, but I think that factored in would concrete my mind about where all this is actually leading.

I'm pissed. Why? I don't know? Maybe it's this stupid diet. Or the fact that I hate myself a lot these days. That I regret every misleading turn, every heartbreak, and every tear I've shed. I don't want that for my rowdy boy. I want laughter, dog kisses, sunshine, bubbles, and midnights filled with s'mores. I want simple. I want clean. I want, I want, I want!

Still have many bills piled up. The collection agencies have started harrassing me again. Fuck them! My XH was supposed to pay for that since he took everything! I kept just the things I went into the marriage with. Why?! Ugh, enough about unhappy things.

DQ and Specy. What an unlikely pair! They are fabulous! I love them. I am so glad to have another couple to hang out with (or at least did a couple of times), that were cool and talkative and down to earth. DQ is really great. She is a lot nicer than I would have expected. Most people usually look down on me, since I am so young. Uncle Tome and Sugarduck are getting married next week. Congrats to them. They are an awesome couple. They match each other perfectly! I'll miss Uncle Tom, since he'll be in Korea forever! Hopefully our paths will cross once more.

Randy. I can't bitch about him. He is my lover, my best friend and confidant. I can't believe how lucky I am sometimes to have such a wonderful guy like him in my life. He makes all the bad things better. He has stood by me, since all the bullshit has commenced. He treats me like I am worth millions, and is funny and smart. And I am so thankful for having him alongside of me through this fucked up journey called life.

Me. I'll bitch about me. Because I should. I hate myself a lot. Why? Because I'm not happy with myself. I've made a mess. I forget to clean it up. I take my personal frustrations and take them out on others. I forget about me, a lot. I forget that I was once unattached, and free. That I had no strings attached to my heart. That I had no responsibilities. That I was happy with myself. That no matter how I looked, I was happy. And now, well, I just hate how I've let myself go. I used to care so much about myself. Really loved myself. But was with someone so toxic and poisonous that he made me hate myself. I want to look in the mirror and love myself again.

So, I'll start today. Wish me luck, and pray for me, if that's your thing.
posted by The Devil @ 1:11 PM   0 comments
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
"Crews Into Shape"
So, on Friday I signed my "contract" to participate and commit myself to a four week challenge, and lose 4 lbs by the end of the month. And I sort of started on Friday, to gradually introduce water and more veggies in my diet. Not that I am unhealthy, but I love fast food, and most of it isn't the healthiest, either. I decided to keep on online memoir, if you will of everything I have eaten since my "diet" commenced.

Friday night:
Drank about 32 oz of water
Ate Specy's food (which was amazingly delish!)

Sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit & hashbrown from McD's
16 oz coffee
Snacked on stuff around the house
Grilled fajitas & "borracho" beans without the beer
12 oz cran-apple juice
Huge slice of chocolate fudge cake

1/2 wheat bagel with fat free cream cheese and fresh strawberries
16 oz coffee
Leftovers from fajitas
1 Orange
Grilled salmon, steamed zuchini, and white rice

1 plantains with reduced fat sour cream
4 oz coffee
1 Odwalla fruit smoothie
1 asian pear
Whole wheat bagel with turkey pastrami, cheddar cheese, lettuce and tomato
20 oz water
1/2 cup fruit salad
1/2 cream cheese danish (I'm fessin' up!)
1 porkchop and baby spinach salad

1/2 wheat bagel with fat free cream cheese & fresh strawberries
20 oz coffee
1/2 cup oatmeal
1 oz smoked almonds
20 oz water

So that's been my diet so far. Hopefully, I'll at least lose some weight before this is over. I wouldn't want to fail my PT test, because of my weight! Oh, and that's just another tangent about the stupid weight standards for women in the Army. For my height (5'7" or 67") and age group 21-27, my maximum alloted weight is 149, but in the 17-21 group the max is 145. I weigh in at about 138 right now, so I'm okay if they weigh me now. I wear a size fitted 4 or baggy 6. So it's not like I'm a big person. I'm sturdy! But those weight standards really kill some people. And what do they want, supermodels in the Army? I already get enough crap from people telling me I look like a bean pole. I hate the stupid standards America has! Ugh, well, I need to go shower and start my slave work again! See ya'll laters!
posted by The Devil @ 8:40 AM   0 comments
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Good Company
My love and I packed up my kiddo and went over to Specy and Dancing Queen's house to hang out. They were so awesome and just nice. Gabe was being tolerable. Except, he is like I am and can't sleep in new places. Specy cooked some awesome grub, but I felt bad about eating it since I am on a new "weight loss" program. I don't officially start till Monday, but since I don't want to completely shock myself, I thought I would start this weekend. I felt bad, beauce I got there and felt a headache coming on. I was super busy yesterday, and didn't get a chance to eat all day or drink anything, so not only was I dehydrated, but exhausted. I had no energy to try and put up with Gabe. But he is my responsibility, and I am his mother. I felt it was my duty to have him not completely destroy their home, or to embarass me too much. He was pretty good for the most part. Until about 8:30 or so and he started getting cranky, he wanted to sleep. So, Specy made him a bed, but Gabe was resisting and I didn't want it to turn into an all out screaming match. Interesting moment of the night: Gabe said "Fuck you!" to me. And I had to take him to bathroom, pull down his diaper and swat his little behind. The boys got drunk and wanted to play HALO, and I wanted to go home, take a sleeping pill and sleep. It's not that I didn't have fun or wasn't having fun, but I've been working for the past two weeks straight, plus putting up with Gabe's much more tolerable behaviour was tiring me out. I could feel the headache throbbing in my head, but I was trying not to look too miserable (which I must have failed at!). SO we left at like 10:30 or so, and I could tell in the car that Randy was a little upset. His best friend is leaving soon, and I should have just gone with it. But I didn't want to be rude and pass out on the couch, with Gabe still running around touching everything. Dancing Queen (DQ) is so nice and intelligent. It's cool to hang out with another chick. I have no friends here, and it's awfully difficult to get out and meet them. Being as to which most females are scandalous and too materialistic for my liking, and I can't stand all that stupid chitter chatter about insignificant shit. I live a simple, if albeit secluded life, and I like it that way. Yes, I am boring! I have always been. I love to read. It's a passion of mine that I hope to pass on to my child. I'm girly to an extent, I wear make-up and love getting my hair done, but for the most part, I don't go on shopping binges, and go shake my ass all night at the club. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE TO DANCE!! But for me to go out every weekend and do that sort of thing, well, I just can't. I don't have a close group of girls to hang out with, or talk to. I work a lot, and I'm much younget than most of the other mothers around this area. I don't have a lot of "me" time. Which I do miss! But this is my life. It's what I wanted. So, I just deal with it. I feel much better today, and was hoping DQ would want to hang out since the boys are getting together again tonight. Im planning on some fajitas (to get some veggies and my meat), and maybe even a chocolate cake that I was going to bake for TS&HA since her b-day is tomorrow, but we start this "diet" on Monday, and that wouldn't be a good way to kick it off. So why not do it, tonight, this way we can eat it! And enjoy it and not feel guilty about it! So, yeah that's was my Friday. I hope the rest of the weekend is a little more mellow, at least for me. I guess I've been anxious over this surgery thing, and it's starting to show. Ugh, I'm going to be alright. Well, ya'll have a nice one! Untill next time...HB out!
posted by The Devil @ 1:14 PM   0 comments
Friday, March 03, 2006
The mediocrity of this place....
The longer I'm here, the more I tend to hate it. Maybe I'm burned out. I'm so tired of working. Of cleaning up after the nasty ass adults I work with. I just don't understand it! I clean so much at work, by the time I get home, make dinner (sometimes!), and take care of Gabe; I just want to relax! Cuddle with my hunny, or read a book. I feel like my life has been spent cleaning after people. I'm frustrated with it! I was a maid before. That was an okay job. I like to clean. I'm meticulous about my work, and I had a good attitude. Plus, I was much cheaper and faster than the other maids in the company. But cleaning is hard work. It takes a certain type of person to do the job right and get things done in an orderly fashion. Since LCS has been away, and TS&HA has been in and out of work, I've been pinned down with all the petty jobs. You'd think I was a private again. My battle buddy has been my mop. Oh yeah, and my frustration. I keep telling Momma Bear that I'm tired. That I want a break. That my responsibilities have gone to the way-side, because I'm the only one here, and she wont do any of the easier work. But on the flip side, I've had dreamless sleep. I haven't had too much time to stress out about my health. I purged it onto my blog (see previous entries and my "Runaway" blog). I finally fessed up to my dad last night about what was going on. He was kind of worried but said he was glad that I wasn't going to stress it. I had to put up a front with him. He is already worried about me living here alone with Gabe, and no family around. I don't want him to think I can't handle it all. At least this whole health thing has put my board crap to the side. Momma Bear hasn't been pushing me to do too much as far as that goes, even though at this moment I would die to get promoted. I'm so tired of being treated like nothing because I am the youngest and the only one who hasn't been in damn near ten years. Yes, they have seniority over me because of their time in, but I know how to actually do my job correctly. And I mean, I know my shit. So don't fuck with me about it and question the things that I suggest. Ugh....I have to stay late today, and I'm tired. I can't wait till Monday. I might take my baby boy to go see Curious George. I think he will like it. Well, gotta go to a weight loss meeting. See ya'll later!
posted by The Devil @ 1:20 PM   0 comments
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Beware the Ides of March....
March has always been the equivalent of spring in my eyes. It symbolizes new beginnings and afterlife of the dead winter. It's always been filled with spring flowers, beautiful showers, and all the animals coming out of hibernation to reinhabit the fields once more. I am encased with sorrow at this time. Over a loss that I can't really explain. It's as though my womanhood shall be questioned. I don't feel. I am terribly numb. I want to wake up from this coma, that I have befallen. I have no reason to fear, what my God has given me as my burden. I made my choices and without prior knowledge this is the route that my life has taken for me. I will be okay. Only time will tell, though. I don't want to do this. It seems too painful. Too questionable of my reasoning. It seems to be too real. I have been happy living life at the sidelines, never actually partaking in anything. Just a cheerleader for life. Never really having to experience too much pain. I always let go before it was too late. For pain would consume me, if I were too human. But now, I have this hurdle ahead of me. If all goes well, I shall recover and never have to worry about this again (highly doubt it!) My surgery is scheduled for the 14th. It will take almost 6 months for my body to mend. I hope everything turns out well. I can't even thank my unlucky stars for catching this before it was too severe. If everything gets worse, a hysterectomy is called for. All because of a virus, that I never shook off. So bid me, good health and not luck. For luck is for the ignorant. And health is the one thing that is fragile and seldom found among us. I've always been healthy. I was never a sickly child. So, I guess this is payback, times ten! So, with this interestingly sad note, I bid ya'll a happy weekend.

May you all find yourselves in health.

Thank you, Randy. For staying when others would have run away.

I love you.
posted by The Devil @ 8:24 AM   0 comments
About Me

Name: The Devil
Home: Somewhere in, Texas, United States
About Me: I'm a young mom, who stresses out far too much.
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"Before you do anything, think. If you do something to try and impress someone, to be loved, accepted or even to get someone's attention, stop and think. So many people are busy trying to create an image, they die in the process."-Salma Hayek

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